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Discussion Starter #1
I am a SAHM to our five month old son Brian and I think I am cracking. I love motherhood and I love my son but I have <span style="text-decoration:underline;">nothing</span> else.<br><br>
As I mentioned in my, "Help m save my SAHM" post, we live with DH's parents and basicaly with his sister and two kids as they are here at least eight hours a day everyday. This is a 3/1 house that is <1000sqft. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hammer.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hammer"><br><br>
The in laws are very friendly and very generous to give us roof over our heads but they are also very different then dh and I. AP and BF are very foreign to them. SIL is a yeller and not very attentive so her kids have crazy freak out tantrums about basically everything which freaks out ds. MIL is a extremely active, "I am everyone's mother" type of person who walks in our room without ever knocking, makes jokes all close to us if we kiss, eavesdrops on our conversations/arguments and trys to participate even though it is clearly private. There is no communicating differences of standards or opinions because they just don't hear things as they are said. (for example,to sil :"can you try to maybe take the kids to play outside with bubbles or something while brian is sleeping?" response: "come on kids, lets go home. we can't stay because we are bothering your aunt and uncle." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: )<br><br>
I struggle to try and ever accomplish anything between brian eating every hour and the kitchen/ washer and dryer being used around the clock. I can't start to chop things for dinner, bf, come back and continue because either I am in someones way or mil takes over. She gets stressed out when the kids come in our room and always wants the door shut.<br><br>
So...ds and I have a bedroom to live in. I try to make the best of things. We play and read books and go for walks, when he naps-latched on of course-I come here. But living here makes me CRAZY. DH and I have been married for almost three years and lived here for two and a half of that! We are young, 22 and 24 and trying to finish school and ds was a surprise so there are reasons that we are here. But I am suffocating!<br><br>
There is no talking to dh about this, he takes it very personally and feels like it is too much pressure. But I don't have any friends outside of our marriage- most people I know my age aren't married APers- and I don't have a car to do anything. Now he is saying that MDC is a waste of time, that rather than complainning to him I should be trying to make money to help us get out of here. He doesn't think becoming IBCLC will be that profitable and doesn't want a life of struggle. He doesn't see why I would try yo get a degree from FIU (online)if I want to be IBCLC anyways. (I want to open a NFL resource center, and I think that a degree in finance would help me to make it more than emotionally fufilling, profitable you know? and I have financial aid and scholarships that would just be wasted otherwise.)<br><br>
What am I supposed to do? Without this site....This is the only time I feel like anybody can understand. I have to go ds just woke up. Thanks in advance for listening.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mama, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I have lived with my ILs too and know how tough it can be (though mine was only for a few months, not years!). It sounds like you have a great, mature head on your shoulders and great future plans for your education and career. But it sounds like you need to assert yourself more in what appears to be a chaotic, noisy household and set some boundaries. Why is your SIL there every day, all day? Are none of her children in school yet?<br><br>
If I were you, I would write down a list of things that bother you and in the column right beside that, what you think could make it better or what you would like to see changed. Then sit down with your DH and share this list with him, going over each one and talking about how you feel overall. He shouldn't be taking these things personally, you are his wife and you and the baby come first, not his mother or his sister and her children. If you are unhappy with the situation he needs to help you address it and figure out a way to make it work for all parties involved. Once you and hubby are on the same page, maybe you could have a word with his mother first, about some of the smaller things she could do to make life easier for you. Tell her, gently and politely, that she needs to knock before she enters your room and respect your privacy as you are bonding with your child right now and need some boundaries in order to feel like you have that precious mother-child time.<br><br>
Also, work out some better rules for sharing the kitchen and appliances so that you don't feel you can even cook your dinner without her taking over. Maybe try to be all lighthearted about it and say "I really enjoy cooking and want to get better at it. If I start on something and then have to leave it for awhile, would you mind just leaving it where it is or moving it aside if you need the counter space? Thanks." Or something along those lines. It doesn't sound like (from what you've said) that she is unreasonable or that you don't get along, just that she might take advantage of you if you're quieter and more passive than she is. You've got to stand up for yourself in a household like that or you won't ever get a say in anything!<br><br>
As for the SIL and her kids running wild, maybe you could ask her to bring along some quieter activities for them to do when your DC is trying to nap. Story time, a puzzle, coloring, a board game, etc..? It's only fair that your child be able to sleep if you live there and she doesn't, technically (though I'm sure she feels like she does if she's there that much).<br><br>
You mentioned that you don't have any friends outside of your marriage -- can I ask why you think that is? Have you just lost touch with your old friends, or is the area you live in new to you? Try taking your DC to a playgroup or two, or to the local gym/pool/activity centre. He's getting to that age where he can sit up soon and will be more and more interested in things around him. It sounds like you could use the social interaction too.<br><br>
Best of luck mama, and you can always find understanding and friends here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Yikes!<br><br>
How old are your SILs kids?<br><br>
Maybe you can help her by setting a good example? Play with her kids, coloring books, play dough, tent, whatever? Maybe she will see that when you interact with them they are happy and easy going? I always like to say that when mom's in a good mood, the kids are in a good mood. Like they can sense our moods and we need to stay positive. Maybe she would see a difference in them when someone just pays a little attention to them. Or maybe engage everyone in a family game?<br><br>
I think it is key to get out of the house every day. Where are you located? Is there a place you can walk, or a place you can explore with your son? At that age they love to look around so much, especially outside. Or maybe you can take the whole family, just to get some fresh air. Maybe there is a playgroup in your area for AP.<br><br>
Hope you guys can finish school and get out of there fast! I cannot imagine living with my ILs, much less for that long!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
SIL kids are 2 and three. I always try the lead by example thing and they do act totaly different with me-no fits, manners, articulate, etc. I have even heard her note the difference but she is just her.<br><br>
The friends thing just sort of happened. I fell out of touvh with high school friends and the people I meet in colege have been hard to relate to. And without transportation it is really hard to get to playgroups, LLL etc.<br><br>
We live way out in the everglades, fifteen minutes from grocery stores even. We do go for walks and spent as much time as we can outside which ds really likes.<br><br>
*sigh* Sometimes the whole situation just feels hopeless to me. Other times<br>
I feel really bad for ever complainning and upsetting dh when the il are nice people. I never know if i have every eason to feel the way I do or if I need to just chill.<br><br>
I do know that I feel ready to go "home", to be done with this visit and just be somewhere where I can be me, without feeling out of place, without walking on egg shells. Where I can finaly exhale.<br><br>
Until then, the support that I have found here means so much. thank you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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I just have to give you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I can about tolerate staying with my ILs for a day or two. I can't imagine if I had to live with them. Actually your MIL sounds like a cross between my mother and my MIL <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/scared.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="scared"> They both drive me nuts in their own way.<br><br>
Edited: Okay I just read your reply and you already answered the questions I had. D'oh.<br><br>
When I moved to a new town I didn't drive but I called the LLL leader and I asked if anyone could give me a ride to the meeting. She said yes! (She became a good friend) Trust me, I am very shy and it's not at all like me to ask but I was desperate <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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So, I can closely relate to what you are going through. I am too a SAHM in a new area. When we moved here from another state, we moved in with the MIL who is a total control freak and wanted to tell me how to raise my child. We had to cram everything we owned into one bedroom, too. Anything outside the bedroom was her's and she didn't want it ruined so we pretty much stayed in there most of the time.<br>
We had to stay there for about 5-6 mos. and that was way past long enough for us. I couldn't imagine having to deal with all that for so long. Have you looked around where you live for houses for rent??That's what we did .Just to get our own place seem to help wonders, even though we didn't have much else for a while. Now, after about a year we are back on our feet, except I still don't have a car, and don't really know anyone yet. I would suggest joining the mommies network wherever you live. It connects you to other moms in your area, to help you meet new people.I feel like I don't have anything and that I'm alone alot , too. Things will get better, just know that.I think getting on the same page with the dh is important also. It's alot easier to move forward with someone on your "team". Just hang in there girl.<br><br>
You can always pm me , if you need someone to talk to. I been there in a very similar situation.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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I have not been in your circumstances, but I feel like I can relate just a little to your posts.<br><br>
Becoming a mom is hard. Becoming a young mom is hard. We had our first when were both 25 and still felt so young - even almost four years later I still sometimes have trouble relating to other moms. Most of the folks I meet seem to be so much more settled: financially, professionally, and even emotionally. I imagine that if we had started our family while we were still in school at 22 & 24 these differences would have been emphasized even more. It was hard not to get wrapped up in wanting friends who were my age and in my circumstances. The dream friend I wanted to suddenly appear... was renting their home, sharing it with family, working part-time, budgeting carefully, loved to spend time outside, and even had a rescued dog like ours. I had to let go of that to embrace the real people in my life who were ready to connect.<br><br>
Living with others while you transition to parenthood can be both a blessing and a challenge. We shared our home with my BIL at that time, and luckily he was a fairly low maintenance house mate. But even in that case issues came up and we had to work through them. When you put a bunch of people in a small space something or another is bound to drive someone crazy.<br><br>
Specific ideas - can you work out a schedule where you fix dinner for everyone on certain days? Then on those days ask MIL to leave anything you start alone knowing that she gets a meal out of it, or at the very least let you be in charge of dinner and ask how she can help you rather than taking over.<br><br>
Some options - does dh have a car? Can you and baby Brian drive him to work/ school and keep to car to go on adventures during the day? That's what we do some days.<br><br>
Can you, dh & ds schedule a weekly date to get out and be just the three of you once a week? It could be a hike, a coffee, anything just so you get time to work through your own stuff away from extended family's ears and also celebrate the family of three that you are...<br><br>
Read. It was when ds was around 4 or 5 months that I learned how to read while nursing. It can be an excellent form of escape...<br><br>
Good for you for reaching out online in the meantime. I wish I had figured out to do that sooner.<br><br>
Gotta run, dd need me. hang in there!!!!
 

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I think us having family day out weekly is really good idea! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
I know what you mean about the ideal friend business. At this point I don't really care about age anymore, I would just love some like minded or like lifestyled friends. My sister had a blessingway recently and two other mommies were there and we ended being at their house for like seven hours and didn't even realize it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> It was like a whole new world to be outside all day with other moms bf and talking casually about vax debates, eating whole foods as munchies, etc. DS loved watching their kids play.<br><br>
I want more of that so much! Now with how dh has been acting I am starting to wonder how much he really supports me sah. Like if we get mobile-we borrow the in laws truck for school, groceries, etc. but are trying to get a car to replace our van that was totaled a few months back-will he expect me to go to work or get down on me for socializing?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Im right there with you!!! I live with my inlaws and good is it ever hard!! Its at the point where we go to visit my mom for the weekend and mil clings to ds when we get home saying how much she missed him!!! Its like yeah think oh how my mom felt not seeing him for a month!!! ERRR!!! Were also in the same place...dh works hard and were trying to save for a house but Im at the point where Im ready to move into an apt just to have my own space!!<br><br>
I do understand the friends thing..NONE of mune live around us except one girl who is dh friends xgf(she has a crush on my dh..another story) and she works full time! So theres noone...Im Never home if I dont have to be..I LOVE baby time at the library!!! I need baby time!!! It saves me..look into it..it will help!<br><br>
Other then that I dont know what to tell you cause Id be telling myself! LOL!<br><br>
Hang in there and keep using the site!! I think my dh probelly thought the same thing until he realized that all these mamas helped me get through my son getting tests done!! If your husband has a problem with it just tell him look its not taking me away from our son,you or what I need to get done so im going to keep doing it!!<br><br>
Good luck mama
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">Now with how dh has been acting I am starting to wonder how much he really supports me sah. Like if we get mobile-we borrow the in laws truck for school, groceries, etc. but are trying to get a car to replace our van that was totaled a few months back-will he expect me to go to work or get down on me for socializing?</div>
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Maybe some added perspective on the inlaw situation is to look at it as a choice than enables you to stay at home? In seriously considering the alternative of working to help pay for living expenses it might be easier to bear the extremely difficult part of your living situation since it will feel more like a choice.<br><br>
Just a thought. Good luck as you continue to figure things out.
 

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I lived with in-laws for 3 years while we were finishing school and getting on our feet. They used me as their Cinderella, keeping me cleaning until very late every night. We had to suppress ourselves to stay out of their way. SIL talked to us like we were servants. She also fought very violently and loudly with her boyfriend. The phone would ring every few minutes, she would pick it up and scream at him, and then hang up again. There was no peace. We were also squished into one bedroom. I had no children at the time, but I had a cat. My MIL would disrespect my rules for the cat (she kept giving her junk food, and made her very fat....i was concerned for her health).<br><br>
I advise you to stick it out. When you and your husband and baby are in your own place, you will look back and be proud of yourself for your accomplishment in discipline and tolerance. It really develops your character. And, you are being very responsible to go to school and think about the future. I know it is hard, but you know you are doing the right thing.
 

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I don't really have any specific advice, but I just wanted to give <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I wish I could help you out! I was almost in the same situation as you. My husband and I have only had one car for about 5 years now and when ds1 was an infant, we lived in an apartment building mostly occupied by retirees or college students. I had NO ONE to talk to but ds all day long. It was really difficult. You need the socialization and to get out of the house! I agree with pp's...try to find some family time. I am sure it is really difficult trying to work your kinks out as a family unit when IL's are there watching/commenting on everything. You mentioned connecting with some women at your sister's blessingway? Is it possible to get together with them again. I know you may feel awkward, but do you think you could ask them for a ride and maybe you guys could go to the park or something? I have had to rely on friends for transportation and at first I felt really guilty, but then I realized that I would do the same for them if the situation was reversed.<br>
I know it may not seem like it now, but hang in there and things will get better. Try to stay positive and definitely discuss how you feel with your dh. Communication is the key to a great marriage and knowing how to communicate is also important. I imagine your dh is under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to support his family and may even feel pretty crappy about himself for the fact that you have to live with his parents right now. Being at home seems very important for you right now and unfortunately it means sacrificing a little. Anyways, I don't know if any of this makes you feel any better, but I couldn't not say anything!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I lived with my ex in-laws for a year and a half and dealt with alot of the same issues you are dealing with now. It's hard and I don't have a whole lot of advice except do what you have to to keep yourself sane. And try and keep in mind it won't be forever. I know it's easy to lose sight of that when you've already been there so long, but you'll be a stronger person for it.<br><br>
About not having any friends IRL, well I wish you lived closer to me cause I don't have any either. But to me dealing with living with in-laws is harder than not having friends.
 
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