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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here, so um hi =)<br><br>
My son is almost 4 months old. I didn't have a big sex drive before, but once we got pregnant we only attempted sex once during the pregnancy (which caused lots of bleeding + trip to hospital) and since we'd had a m/c before we were both freaked out. So we didn't try again while I was pregnant. Well I tore very badly when I delivered and after 3 months finally got healed up and am not in horrible pain anymore =(<br><br>
But I have absolutely no interest in anything sexual and my husband is getting very frustrated. I feel so guilty about this every day. I don't like to be touched at all, even hugs and kisses bother me. I don't know... maybe with my painful tearing/healing and now that I'm BF I guess I just don't feel like my body is sexual now. Not to mention I feel horrible about how I look and can't stand to even be naked with him around.<br><br>
I just don't know what to do. I've tried other ways to satisfy him, but even doing that frustrates me because it is hard enough to make time for anything else now that we have a baby. And I feel like he would rather have sex anyway... And since our son co-sleeps with us, any time to even snuggle alone is rare.<br><br>
We have a really great relationship, and he hasn't complained about this once even though I could tell it is bothering him. Well today he emailed me about it and said it is really frustrating and he feels rejected. So now I feel absolutely horrible. I just don't know what to do. =(
 

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I was just reading an article this week about how when you have young children it's biological that you don't want to have sex, because you are already tied down with at least one small child, so naturally you don't want another one right away. I think it was in a magazine so I can't link the aritcle but it was really interesting. Anyway, I think it's natural to have loss of sexual appitite right now, your child is still very young.<br><br>
Have you told your husband all these things that are bothering you? Sounds like you have some real reasons to be hesitant, mentally you don't sound ready. It's your body and if you aren't ready, he should respect that, and he shouldn't make it all about him. If he still makes you feel bad, knowing that you are totally uncomfortable being touched, I think he's immature. Wait until you are ready and don't let his emails upset you. But be honest with him so he knows why you aren't interested.
 

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I don't know if it ever really returns. I just had baby #2 in June '06 and I'm dealing with the same situation. I got my sex drive back a little about a year after the first was born, but never like it was before I got pregnant the first time. So I understand. My husband also makes comments if we don't DTD at least twice a week.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Hang in there, he needs to be patient. If you are breastfeeding too that also affects the sex drive. Mine usually comes back after breastfeeding has stopped.<br><br>
Hang in there.<br><br>
Mama to two, Alexis 8/01/03 and Dylan 6/15/06
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I don't know that I have any advice for you, just wanted to say that my DD is 3 months old today and I have ZERO interest in sex. DH & I have cuddled and kissed a bit, but that's it. He is also frustrated, but nice about it. I agree, having baby in bed with you probably makes it harder, but I can't imagine another sleeping arrangement. Just hang in there. Four months is still not very long and I'd bet you're still adjusting to be a mom. I know I am. I think it is hard to balance the new role as a mom with the role of wife, let alone whatever other roles you have to play. I'm sure it'll get better in time.
 

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I've been going through the same thing, and it doesn't help that my son, who is 6 months, has never been much of a sleeper and we're both sleep-deprived and even though I'm physically okay now, every time I get horizontal I fall asleep. I too think that you should talk openly about it with your husband. My husband and I try to at least bring it up on a semi-regular basis so the lines of communication are clear, even if it's just us saying that we're frustrated with the situation. We co-sleep too, but my plan to help get my relationship with my husband back on track is to put the babe in a crib for the first "shift" so that hubby and I can cuddle and spoon in bed, or read, or whatever, then when the baby wakes up in a few hours, he spends the rest of the night in bed with us. This way, hopefully, we get the best of both worlds. It's a really difficult balance to strike. Of course, this is only because I'm starting to feel ready again, and that needs to happen before anything else. I feel for you! Give it some time.<br><br>
~OA
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks for your replies... im glad i'm not the only one
 

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Honestly? SO NORMAL.<br><br>
With our first child, we tried to do it once around 3 months, and it hurt so much that we didn't get 'back in the saddle' until 6 months postpartum. With my second born, it was a little sooner because I was more prepared for what it was like postpartum. So, the way you're feeling is totally normal.<br><br>
I would just suggest having a completely honest conversation with your husband, aimed at not only getting out how you're both feeling, BUT at different ways that you can both feel comfortable and satisfied...whether that's him helping out more around the house so you feel like you have more time to be available for 'fun' (my hubby knows I find him doing housework REALLY sexy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">) , or finding other intimate things to do, or maybe sneaking off to another room once baby is asleep in your room (we use the computer room <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> ).<br><br>
While sex isn't everything, and new dads need to be sensitive to new mom's postpartum emotions and feelings, intimacy is an important part of marriage; hopefully you can communicate all your needs to each other and then work together to figure out a solution that works for both of you!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I feel exactly the same way. We haven't even attempted to DTD yet, and it's over 4 mos. PP.<br><br>
And that's why I'm thankful he has the internet. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Bolt.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bolt">
 

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No interest here. DD is 4 mos. We did do it at 3 mos and it was fine but I would much rather go to sleep than DTD. Frustrating to DH but I assume eventually my interest will come back.
 

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It's 3 months later, and my sex drive has taken a nose dive. During my pregnancy, I wanted it all the time - and thank God for my vibrator <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> But now my body is different, sensations are different, and I'm different mentally. And then I factor in a lack of free time between working full time, spending time with my (never) sleeping daughter, and trying to keep my house clean (forget about sleep!). My so is beyond frustrated - it's become a huge, ugly issue between us now. But there are nights when I think - sex or sleep? And sleep almost always wins out. I wonder if I need hormone replacement therapy!
 

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New here.<br><br>
Same boat. DD is almost 3 months & we haven't DTD, either. My DH is also a sweet, understanding guy, and for the most part has said nothing. But I can tell.<br><br>
I read a book by Sheila Kitzinger, The First Year after childbirth, and the chapter on sex after giving birth was awesome. She suggests feeling around where your stitches were, where you tore, to feel comfortable with yourself, first, then to "show" dh around before DTD.<br><br>
Another thing that has helped us is to spoon in bed. I don't know where your babe sleeps, but if you put your bed against the wall, then babe, then you and then dh, you may get a little cuddle time. Little by little.<br><br>
_____________________<br>
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