[GradysMom]

We have a lovely, mobile energetic and apparently really smart 11 mo ds. (of course we think he is brilliant).<br><br>
I am finding it really hard for me to keep going with my patience already, and as I read all these other threads I feel doomed to fail at GD.<br><br>
Ds's great grand ma - an awesome 97 yr old who can't hear well spends alomst the entireity of the first 24 hrs of any visit asking me why I don't teach ds NO. She can't hear me explain that exploration is safe - that we are watching him. Any redirection I do in her home she "steps" in and corrects ds as if he is bad, so no redirection is good. And to fill in the empty air time during our last visit she just started telling me about children of distant relatuives who were horribly neglected, not raised well, known for destruction, disliked and one who killed himself ( as a result of having never been taught no I assume).<br><br>
Despite the fact that I know I am dealing with a horrible communication impass I feel like that fact that my child is doomed to be bad has been drilled into my head and I feel like a failure every time ds doesn't "obey" when I say no. The whole thing even tipped off a rediculous fight with dh because we both feel all this tension. My problem is the visit is over and I still feel awful about my ds.<br><br>
this isn't fair to him.... but I have to admit I'm at a loss as to WHAT my expectations of him should be... and HOW MUCH do I let him have "his way"...<br>
Help me understand what I need to do to evolve and deal with my ever adventurous walking baby...<br><br>
Now He even does things "on purpose" because in the past we would sweep in a grab him and say no... like looking to see if he has our attention and then pulling really hard on some very expensive blinds that will always be with in his reach... I've been trying to ignore the behavior entirely as if it doesn't interst me but...<br><br>
HOW do we teach "no" in a Gd manner with a spirited mobile 11 mo boy who likes to tempt us now?<br><br>
I need to add ds is swatting/hitting, growling and biting.. and i just don't want it to become an out of control habit.

 

[DevaMajka]

I really recommend you get a gd book- one I like that talks specifically about babies (and has separate sections for kids up to 5) is Becoming The Parent You Want To Be. It will reinforce to you the fact that you are right, as far as redirecting. I would have been lost without BTP in the first couple years!<br>
11 months old is so so so little. Even IF they understood exactly what you were telling them not to do, they have very very little (if any) impulse control and self control. They really can't stop themselves even if they want to. Though I guess that may be different for kids who have to learn that early as self preservation (ie- babies who get spanked or smacked, etc). But that's not what's developmentally appropriate.<br>
When young kids here the word no (or whatever you use) they know that it means that YOU will stop them. It takes a lot longer to know that they are supposed to stop themselves, and even longer to have the ability to stop themselves! (my ds was able to stop himself pretty young, but I think it wasn't so much impulse control, as it was that he knew that I'd have something else for him to do, that was related to his reasons for doing it in the first place. He knew that I'd have something fun to do.)<br>
BTP has a good explanation of how young children understand the word "no" (<a href="http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/subsection13.html" target="_blank">http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/subsection13.html</a>)<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">It sounds like one of the most frustrating things for you is that Emma persists even when she clearly understands that you don't want her to do something. If she's banging on the window and you haven't yet noticed, you may have even seen her "call" your attention to what she's doing. Even though she "knows" that she isn't supposed to bang, she will still do it, because she believes that it is your job to stop her and her job to bang.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I didn't even start on "discipline" until ds was about a year old. Before that, it was just distraction and major baby proofing. (though I think that technically, distraction is discipline method).<br><br>
As far as letting him have his way, if it's not bothering anyone, it won't harm him or anyone else, and it won't harm anyone's property, it seems like a good idea to let him have his way! If there are legitimate reasons that you can't allow something, then stick with it, in a gentle way.<br>
One thing that I used to do with ds, when he'd get ahold of something that was unsafe (say, scissors), I'd say "that's unsafe. Would you put it where it belongs please?" (yes, at 1yo. He may not have understood the words, but I'm sure he understood my intentions. kwim?). then I'd take him to the drawer where the scissors belong, and tell him to put them in. If I had just taken the scissors away, even if I replaced them with something else, he would have been upset. But by letting him help put them away, he was part of the solution and he had closure.<br><br>
Another thing is, honoring the impulse. So when you redirect, redirect to something that serves the same purpose as what you are taking away. Your ds has a reason for doing what he's doing, so let him know that you understand that, and you'll try to let him do it, in a safe way that is agreeable to both of you. For example, if he's banging on the window with a block, some options to redirect to might be giving him a cloth to wipe the window, showing him that he can bang the blocks on the floor, or building blocks with him. It would depend on the REASON that he's banging the blocks in the first place- does he like playing with the window? Does he like the sound (I always let my ds experiment with hitting certain surfaces to hear the sounds. But never windows!)? Is he trying to get your attention? So the redirection would depend on the reason.<br><br>
ok, I hope that wasn't too long winded, and that some of it addressed what you are actually asking!<br><br>
eta- for the biting- here's a great article. It goes along the same lines of "honor the impulse" that I LOVE in the BTP book.<br><a href="http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/looking_past.html" target="_blank">http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/looking_past.html</a>

 

[GradysMom]

Deva33mommy - thanks a million<br><br>
It goes to show - even if I'm a thread killer that one carefully, thoughtfully written response can make a difference... I love these forums!<br><br>
More responses would be great ofcourse

 

[DevaMajka]

I'm so glad it was helpful. I was worried that I was a big rambling mess, that didn't really address anything you wanted to know! lol<br>
Thanks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:

 

[mom22girls]

Well, I'd respond, but deva33mommy said it all really well! I once asked my ped when children learn impulse control. He asked me if I could pass by a plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies! The world is a plate of cookies to children, the more they do, the more experiences they have, the richer their lives are. Our job is to protect them from danger. Most children, once they have figured something out: hmm, the blinds go up and down (you're sitting supervising him) but they don't do much else, will go onto something else, the behavior will extinguish itself. If you make it forbidden, it will be an object of mystery to be conquered.<br><br>
It's a busy time for mamas, keeping young explorerers out of danger. Take care!

 

[Momtwice]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>GradysMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8619026"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Now He even does things "on purpose" because in the past we would sweep in a grab him and say no... like looking to see if he has our attention and then pulling really hard on some very expensive blinds that will always be with in his reach... I've been trying to ignore the behavior entirely as if it doesn't interst me but...</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This is COMPLETELY NORMAL behavior. ALL toddlers I've met, mine, kids I've worked with, nieces and nephews, friends, ALL do this.<br><br>
They are looking to you to remind them what the rules are. Gently of course. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb"><br><br>
And they don't have the ability to remember it next time at that age (or the impulse control to stop if they do remember.) The repetition is normal too.<br><br>
He's trying to figure out how the world works every second of the day. That's his job. He doesn't know they are expensive. He just knows they cause a reaction. He's like a little scientist, "if I do this, what will be the result?"

 

[lindsaye3]

I think the pps are great! This behavior is totally normal for your child's age. They are trying to figure out how this great big world works. They don't have impulse control, heck, I have trouble still with that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
It is hard when you can't really explain to someone why you parent the way you do - but the truth is, your child, your choice. Of course, you don't want to seem disrespectful to gr grandma, so listen to what she says and ignore 99% of it. My dh's gr grandma told us to bite our child when he bit and believed in using a switch (my dh even still remembers having to go cut one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> ) - obviously I wasn't going to follow her advice! She did have good advice as to nursing, she did it for an extended period and always felt if they needed to nurse to let them - so she had one good piece of advice out of 1000.<br><br>
Just remember that exploration is totally normal for young children, everything is new everyday - and isn't that one of the things that makes them so fun?

 

[GradysMom]

I think It is really great to think of him as a <b>scientist</b>... that is something I can get my brain around... maybe a scientist who forgot to write down the results or is looking for good statistically repeatedable results <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I have gotten some really decent results when I stress something is dangerous and I ask him to "stop himself"... I guess kinda asking him to take up the respondsibility... and he gets it. I don't ask to often but it is cool to see the wheels in his head mull that one over and then <i><b>try</b></i><br><br>
Keep the encouragement comming... I have a friend in the same boat whos gonna check out this thread!

 

[SugarAndSun]

I never taught ds2 no and I regret it. We only used it like, "no, don't knock those blocks over" when we were playing and stuff. We did use "danger" which he responds well to, but I would still prefer he respond to no. Even if he doesn't always have impulse control, I still think sometimes would be better than never. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:

 

[chandistar]

This is a great thread. I've learned a lot from it. I'm going to check out the BTP book.