[mirandahope]

I am so tired of in laws everytime we are with them and DD exhibits hunger or tiredness telling her "no, you couldn't be hungry..." or "no you couldn't be tired". What on earth are they talking about???

I spend my days learning and mastering her language (she is nearly 4 months old) and have worked out all the ways she communicates hunger, needing her diaper changed, wanting to go outside, wanting to be held, not wanting to eat when it is offered to her. I pride myself on having the linguistic fortitude and skill to understand her 80% of the time. I love that when I guess what is bothering her correctly, she says "uh huh" to me and stops crying. Somehow, to my inlaws, none of this exists!! I don't understand how they can have such little faith in me or such little expectations of her.

Babies are small people who are in my estimation just as present and real and aware as adults (sometimes more than many adults I have known!). They just have fewer ways of communcating. But I understand her.

What I do is try to explain that yes, she does feel hungry because she is growing and needs extra calories for her new skills she is learning or yes, she is tired because she was just sleeping when the phone rang and it woke her up too early. I also make sure that I am a safe place for DD to express any feelings she has. But I am feeling like I might lose it on them one day.

I have spent half my life dealing with an abusive childhood where I was not allowed to feel anything that challenged my family (outside of joy), and it took me til the past couple of years to know that my feelings are safe. I don't want DD to have to go through that too! What if something happened to me, would she lose the only person that told her any feeling is okay? I can't stand that thought!

I think I am venting more than asking advice. But if you have something to share about dealing with this kind of behaviour from in laws, feel free to share.

 

[cjuniverse]

Not from in-laws (mine are in Peru), but from my own family.

Whatever explanation I offer for his behavior is always the wrong one, whatever explanation they offer is always the right one. Even when I'm right, they're still right. It's maddening, isn't it?

Hear you on the troubled past and lingering influence it has on our behavior. It STINKS to be stuck with the responsibility of un-doing what OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE TO YOU. Just stinks. I for one think it is absolute unfairness, and totally relate to not wanting the cycle to repeat for my kid either.

Just the thought of my little guy having to suffer through even a shadow of what I did makes my skin crawl. It will never happen, I would give my life before it did. He deserves better. We all deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated like garbage and thrown away.

It's one of the hardest things there is to not let the opinions of your family color you or change you. No matter how awful they are to us, we continue to desire their love and approval. But try not to cave in! It only makes you feel worse.

There too, frustrated as hell. Because of course, you can't challenge them. That would be BAD. Everything would fall to pieces if they couldn't somehow belittle or demean every danged thing you do or say. So what are you left with? Ignoring them or trying to reason with them, neither of which work half the time.

Grrr. Anyway, me too.

 

[cellarstella]

I was in the car with my mom and tending to baby in the back seat. She was upset because she wanted to nurse, it was very obvious, but we couldn't pull over just yet. My Mom actually said, "oh, she's just being ornery!" I was like, "Mom, she's not even three months old! How could she be 'ornery'?!" I'm so not letting her watch her grandchild anytime soon.

I just keep a tight hold on my baby, and chalk it up to "new-motherdom." No one will influence the way my daughter and I communicate!

 

[bri276]

one time at my dad & stepmother's house my dd was crying out of hunger. she had eaten recently but this was when she was very young, your dd's age or less, and I said "Sounds like she's hungry" my stepmother (who has no children) said to MY FATHER "That can't be true, can it?" As if HE would know better than I, her mother, whether she was hungry or not. This was a baby who spent 5 days in NICU for not eating enough. Who never, ever cried unless she was hungry for at least 6 months.

Anyways- you know your baby best. Smile very smugly and condescendingly while you simply take your child from whomever presumes to know better than you do. They are undermining you, and that is inappropriate, rude, and unacceptable, babies need their mothers, not strangers.

 

[PortraitPixie]

my mil always said that....

I just chalk it up to she doesn't know any better.....

 

[*guest]

Just keep doing what you're doing! She'll know who meets her needs, and they'll just have to deal with watching you successfully satisfy her again and again. Are they jealous they never figured out their kids?
My in-laws are ok, but I hate hearing "again?" when she wants to eat an hour or 2 after the last time she ate. She a baby! With a tummy the size of a walnut. I always think "again?" when they get seconds (they are quite overweight...).

 

[Shanana]

I could have writtent this post (except about my family instead of the ILs). I too grew up in a family where I wasn't allowed free expression of my feelings, was taught that I was wrong and bad and shameful for being mad, angry, upset, sad, etc. I have spent so many years trying to undo that damage, although it still presents challenges from time to time. And like you, I am DETERMINED to raise my dd in a space that is safe for her -- safe to express her emotions, whether she's happy, mad or sad. It drives me CRAZY when other people tell her how she "should" feel (she's only 12 months and not verbal, but whether she can understand words or not, I think babies of all ages can understand intent). If she falls and hits her head and starts crying, my dad will say, "Oh, now, now, it's not that bad." YES IT IS! Who said HE gets to decide how she feels?!?! When I hurt myself, I swear and yell and sometimes cry. Why shouldn't she get to do the same thing? It's all about THEM. Her crying makes him uncomfortable because he feels like he needs to "fix" it ... "fix" meaning "make it stop no matter what". And don't even get me started on my mother. Ever since she snuck up to the bathroom tucked away in her bedroom and locked the door and kept a CRYING, HUNGRY 4 month old dd in there without us knowing (thank god dh got suspicious and went looking for her), she is not even allowed to be alone in a room with dd, let alone babysit her!

I too have had thoughts about what would happen if dh and I were killed or incapacitated. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of anyone else parenting dd. We finally settled on the ILs as the lesser of many evils, but I am far from happy with the choice. So unhappy with it that we dragged our heels for months and months about signing the will, etc., because I was so afraid we were doing the wrong thing. But there really isn't a "right" thing -- except to not die -- and I wanted to make darn sure my parents didn't get their hands on her. My only hope is that while the ILs are far from perfect, they are not evil and toxic like my family, and I think my mil has the capacity to change. DH and I have been discussing the idea of giving her some of our favorite parenting books (Continuum Concept, Alfie Kohn stuff, etc.) and asking her to read them. I think this will be helpful no matter what, since she'll probably be the primary babysitter in the coming years.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. I severely limit dd's contact with my side of the family (a few hours, twice a month) to protect her. And we're going to work with mil, who is actually pretty good with dd but I wouldn't mind seeing a few small changes.

Just remind yourself that you are the primary influence on your dd's life ... you're there for her 24/7, and no one else will have the effect on her that you do. So don't be too freaked out about exposing her to *some* of this stuff, but do take whatever steps you think are necessary to protect her. Many hugs ...

And by the way, your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving and caring mama.

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

One suggestion:

Try politely and firmly standing up for what you know to be true.

Example:

"Oh, she CAN'T be hungry!"
"Yes, I beg to differ with you, she certainly can."

"Oh, you're not tired!"
"Excuse me, but she clearly is tired. Pardon me while I put her to bed."

"You're just trying to get Mommy to hold you."
"How nice that you're learning to read dd's signals. Please allow me to put her in the sling."

 

[moonpie's_mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shanana And by the way, your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving and caring mama.

:

 

[mirandahope]

i am thrilled to so soon after writing this receive so much comraderie (sp) and support! Thank you for your empathy, stories and suggestions. I look forward to more if there is more coming. So nice to know I am not alone!

 

[Mama Poot]

My problem is the converse of yours. DS#1's needs could be a thousand percent taken care of, but my mother insists he needs something. "Is he hungry? Does he want something to eat" "Mom he just ate ten minutes ago." She's stupid enough to not believe me, tries to feed him something and gets spit on. Serves her right. "I think he's tired. He needs a nap." "Mom he already had his nap AND slept 30 minutes in the car on the way over here." Sometimes he just needs to be held or played with or comforted for whatever reason, especially teething which he has a lot of trouble dealing with. So I will happily carry him in the sling or DH will carry him or take him outside to play. My mom just *can't* believe that we actually know what's best for our own children. The food issue is totally out of control right now. She is unhealthy and overweight and uses food as a drug, and now she's trying to push that on my child. I. don't. think. so.

 

[atozmama]

You sound so frusted because your expertise concerning your DD is not being recognized. I am the mother of 4, my sister, mother of 2, is always giving me "ideas" on what to do for my kids.

I recently saw an exercise, seies of questions, designed to show adults just how often a baby needs to eat. Just think for a moment about how often an adult puts anything, water, meal, snack, nibble, in thier mouth. It is about every 90 minutes. Well, for a baby, breast milk is everything for a small baby, so a sip every 90 minutes is not to far fetched. The other thing to think about is what would an adult need to do to double thier weight in 5 months or so? An adult would need to eat constantly.

It sounds like you are doing wonderfully with your DD, keep up the good work Mama!

 

[thefragile7393]

I started tuning just about everyone around me out. Out of self-preservation. It's worked wonderfully, although my mom is still a pill.....

 

[cjuniverse]

Mama Poot, your mother *is* my grandmother. And would likely be my mother if I still spoke to her...

It's flippin' trash, isn't it? Man, I can't STAND it! Lately whenever she starts in on the Issue of The Day, I just ignore her. Dead silence, sometimes augmented with walking away. 2 for 2 so far.

It's ridiculous when I really think about it, because as evidenced by the way her children (and the grandson she's raising) have turned out, the woman knows jack squat about raising healthy children. All of her charges have turned out neurotic and physically unhealthy, myself and my brother included. She's an extremely toxic person and has spread her poison to every child she's come into extended contact with.

Like hell my son will be subjected to that.

More GRR. My family really gets to me. Gotta settle some stuff internally so as not to leak the ugliness onto my own family.

To the original poster, I hope you come up with a solution that works for you. If so, will you share it here?

 

[Greenie]

Yep. I've seen that happen. My own family (in-laws included) repect my parenting skills and listen to what I have to say. I guess I just put my foot down.

Good luck to the mamas dealing with these things.

 

[jrose_lee]

Yeah....when I visited my parents this summer I had to PRY ds away from them when I knew he was hungry, needed to be changed, was tired, or just needed his mama. They would insist he wasn't tired. Um, two minutes later he'd be zonked in his carrier. It got to the point I just hated handing him over because I knew I'd have to tug-of-war to get him back. SO annoying. As if I don't know my own child.

 

[beccalriley]

I get this all the time...especially from people who never even tried to breastfede and who believed in strict scheduling. They're like a different breed, which includes most of my family. Trust your insticts!

 

[wonderwahine]

my FIL does the same thing, from day one, he used to get pissed off because we would have to tell him to leave the room so he could go down for a nap, he used to say (as a newborn!) he isnt tired! meanwhile ds is screaming in my arms.

hes even said before "thats not normal" when at 5mths ds needed to sleep after being up for 1 1/2.

 

[Jane]

I think you are absolutetly in the right! But I also wanted to remind you that your little girl is healthy and whole, due to the care that you are lovingly providing. She will have a resiliance that you might not have had. You will still need to protect her, but for those times you cannot (or you're too late), she'll be much better off than you might have been in the same situation.

In my family, it's the ticklers - no really, that child is ready for you to stop, even if he wanted to play earlier. Yes, he can change his mind - and YES you have to listen to him.

 

[KnittingKara]

That is such a pet peeve of mine!

:

okay, this may not be the most mature way to deal with it, but whenever I get responses like that I just turn the tables, especially when I don't feel like getting into a long drawn out debate ... for example, some of my IL's are big on pretending to talk for the baby if he fusses to eat and they don't want to quit holding him, actually walking away from me and saying things like "oh, no, mommy, I'm not hungry" and I'll just answer back "oh, yes, grandma/auntie, I sure am"

and walk over and scoop him right out of their arms and nurse him on the spot. The loud slurping nursing and happy coos usually prove my point: that *I* know this baby's cues and I was right. Usually, that is all I have to say or do.

I've also done something like this when strangers comment on him being in the sling, as in the case of one cashier who said something along the lines of, "mommy, I'm all squished up in here" I responded, "oh, no, I'm snug as a bug and twice as happy!"

It's easier than saying "Well, he's sound asleep and hasn't made a peep the whole shopping trip, so I think I know what I'm doing when it comes to this kid more than you Miss Stranger Who Doesn't Even Know Us."

I don't feel like I have to justify anything any more ... although as a new mama, I sure felt like I had to be on the defensive a LOT (which is especially hard when you are not always 100% confident, as I was much of the time ... why can't people be kinder to new mothers? Why? Okay, that is probably a whole other thread ...)

But, now, while it gets on my nerves like crazy, I mostly (on my good days) just blow this kind of speaking for/as the baby thing off because I know I'm right and they are wrong and hopefully them being proved wrong a couple of times will encourage the mouths to stay shut next time the situation comes up and if not, well, at least it makes me feel better to answer back with some of their own medicine.

(again, not the most mature response, I admit)

And, of course, there are those who will ALWAYS think they know better, no matter what, and I just have to ignore them or else my head will explode

But, oh, I SO get you on how annoying that is. l was actually visiting with a friend this weekend who has a 6 month old and she was telling me her mama not only pretends to speak as the baby, but has the baby call her names like "no, I don't want to go to ca-ca mommy I want grandma" I ask you!?

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