[**guest**]

i just posted another thread about imagination and lying, and i wanted to post this separately, as this is a slightly different issue, i think.

dd, 4, is very sensitive to criticism. she is not criticised much, if at all, and if she is, this is done very thoughtfully and gently, and there are no punishments.

an example. she tossed a towel into the sink. she was trying to be helpful. but i just read that toothpaste remnants will stain towels, and since i just got these new towels, i told her, in a casual, factual way that towels are not to be put into the sink, and explained why.

she lowered her head and almost yelled 'you are lying!'. any rational discussion at this point is useless. i do realise it is not the right moment to discuss what lying is etc. i hug her, tell her that she is upset, that i didn't meant to upset her etc. but i guess i am affected myself by her accusations

another example. she was in the bathtub with her 19 m brother. she was singing to him and soaping him all over. i asked her whether she was using a real soap or a pretend soap. she said it was a pretend soap. to this i responded that a pretend soap was fine, but real soap is not good for his skin (i was there, but half watching). then i commented how much he was enjoying the pretend soap. then later i lifted him up, and he was all soapy. when i pointed this out to her, she insisted she was not using a real soap.

later i told her gently that what she said was lying, it was not the truth, because i saw soap on her brother. she screamed 'you are lying'. i find this very frustrating, because it is a dead end discussion. i didn't comment anymore, just changed the subject.

how would you deal with this?

 

[stik]

Four year olds do not take criticism well.

I'd try to avoid it as much as possible.

If your ds is not to have soap on his skin, remove the soap from the tub and put it out of reach when the two of them are bathing together.

If you don't want toothpaste stains on the new towels, rinse the sink to remove remnants after toothbrushing.

In situations that you can't prevent, I think you're right to address her feelings when she says "you're lying." It sounds like it's one of her ways of saying she is angry. I think acknowledging her anger and her desire to help is a good thing.

It might also be helpful to simply state what needs to happen next. Rather than saying, "oops, your brother is covered with soap," you could say "please help me rinse this soap off your brother." That way, you offer her a chance to help fix the problem instead of protesting her innocence.

 

[**guest**]

Quote:

Originally Posted by stik Rather than saying, "oops, your brother is covered with soap," you could say "please help me rinse this soap off your brother." That way, you offer her a chance to help fix the problem instead of protesting her innocence.

i really like it.

 

[LynnS6]

I would also remove the word "lying" from YOUR vocabulary for a while. She's not old enough for true lying, so why get into it?

Generally speaking, I usually just state the facts "Oh, your brother is covered in soap. Remember, soap can make him itchy." and leave the conclusion too her. (And I like the idea of having her help rinse him off.)

Another good phrase might be "Oh, we have different ideas about this, I see" for situations like the towel.