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Oh Andrea. *hugs* Sounds like your little one might have a health issue causing her to be unhappy - have you considered an elimination diet? I've heard it makes a world of difference for babes who nurse, but are sensitive to some things (like wheat or dairy). Also, maybe a lactation consultant could help you two resolve the nursing issues - scabbed up nipples are neither fun nor necessary...
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I hear your frustration, fatigue, stress, and disappointment b/c your needs for peace, closeness, and competence aren't being met. Please know that your daughter's tears may not have anything to do with your competence, but a health-issue in disguise.
Good luck, mama!
Heidi (anxious about re-starting 3rd-year med school on Monday... ARGH!)
I hear your frustration, fatigue, stress, and disappointment b/c your needs for peace, closeness, and competence aren't being met. Please know that your daughter's tears may not have anything to do with your competence, but a health-issue in disguise.
Good luck, mama!
Heidi (anxious about re-starting 3rd-year med school on Monday... ARGH!)
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11,048 Posts
Mama, it is tough having a high-needs baby. There are no two ways about it - you have a tough row to hoe.
Is her reflux under control?
I think you should talk to a health-care provider about depression. You are not a bad mother! You are not a bad mother! But it sounds to me like you're in a very depressed place right now and may need some help.
And you do not have to smile and take it when she hurts you - don't hurt her back, obviously, but feel free to make sad faces, cry, put her down, whatever you are feeling - because you are a person and you have rights, too. You can be gentle but assertive with her that she is not to bite, hit, punch, kick you etc. - gently restrain her or do whatever is best, including putting her down and walking away, to keep both of you safe.
If your dh is telling you that you're a horrible mother then he's an asshole. No one is allowed to say that to you, not you, and especially not him. He is not allowed to treat you that way, and if he does, then leave him or get help but do not take that verbal abuse from him.
He also needs to step up and take care of his own daughter so you can take a shower, brush your teeth, and have a cup of tea. Your dd has two parents, not one, and he needs to start acting like it.
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mama Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your dd doesn't hate you - she loves you more than any person in the whole wide world, and needs you to be healthy for her. Please get some help, mama.
Is her reflux under control?
I think you should talk to a health-care provider about depression. You are not a bad mother! You are not a bad mother! But it sounds to me like you're in a very depressed place right now and may need some help.
And you do not have to smile and take it when she hurts you - don't hurt her back, obviously, but feel free to make sad faces, cry, put her down, whatever you are feeling - because you are a person and you have rights, too. You can be gentle but assertive with her that she is not to bite, hit, punch, kick you etc. - gently restrain her or do whatever is best, including putting her down and walking away, to keep both of you safe.
If your dh is telling you that you're a horrible mother then he's an asshole. No one is allowed to say that to you, not you, and especially not him. He is not allowed to treat you that way, and if he does, then leave him or get help but do not take that verbal abuse from him.
He also needs to step up and take care of his own daughter so you can take a shower, brush your teeth, and have a cup of tea. Your dd has two parents, not one, and he needs to start acting like it.
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The fact that you continue to try to bf despite all the trouble is a testiment to your love. What you need is support and it doesn't seem like you are getting it from your partner.
Your baby is high needs, you can't change that and it is not your fault. But you do need to find ways to deal with it. I often closed myself in the bedroom just to breath for a few minutes before dealing with my daughter. You need to work out some support for yourself, wether from your dh, friends, family. Even if you just have someone who will keep her company while you take a bath or get some work done, you have to take care of yourself so that you have something to give to your babe.
It will not last forever. She will calm as she grows. In the mean time, get some support and know that your babe loves you, uncondtionally! And you love her too. No matter how hard it gets there is nobody better to care for your babe than you. Hang in there and ask for help when you need it.
Robyn
This post made me sad...big hugs for you. It sounds like you may be depressed and could use a professionals help. Don't be afraid to ask for help you are not a failure. We all need help in one way or another especially with the kids. Challenge your negative talk and you will discover it is not true. Reconsider living with your partner. It is hard to believe the good when you hear negative talk from someone who is supposed to be your support. I hope you can get the help you need.
Some thoughts:
*Have you and your dd been evaluated for physical conditions? For instance, your infected blistered nips concern me. Could it be thrush or a bad latch? Even experienced bf'ing dyads can develop bad habits, due to teething or developmental milestones. Have you seen a LC? Can you call your local LLL leader for help?
*I second the call for an elimination diet. For BOTH of you! My DD shows extreme sensitivity to soy, peanuts and artificial colors if I eat any of those things and they make a night/day difference in her personality. Go here for instructions: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/4/t041800.asp Warning, starting an elimination diet is stressful esp if you enjoy food, and may make your depression worse in the short term. But IT IS WORTH IT, just remind yourself that you are taking active steps to address your problem and that things will improve, then just hang in there!
*Could she be overstimulated by the things going on around her? Try staying in for a day, in a quiet environment, and see if it helps.
*Can you get your husband to help? Tell him to put his money where his mouth is. If you are "such a bad mom" (my god I would go on a ween kickin rampage if my dh said that!!) tell him if he thinks he can have a better job to please, please have a go. At the very least you deserve a hot shower and some time to yourself every day. The cynic in me says even Cambodian sweatshop workers are treated better than you right now.
*Try Rescue Remedy - for both of you. A good short term solution that may calm you both. I have tried it and it worked wonders for me.
Just some thoughts off the top of my head. Hang in there! YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM.
I just want to
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You are NOT a bad mom, you know there's a problem and I think everyone has their breaking point and you're knocking on it's door.
You need a break, help, etc.
Just wanted to add that if you're fighting with DH, baby can sense that too and it's just going to make anything physcial all the worse. Please, PLEASE seek some outside help.
Again
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You are NOT a bad mom, you know there's a problem and I think everyone has their breaking point and you're knocking on it's door.
You need a break, help, etc.
Just wanted to add that if you're fighting with DH, baby can sense that too and it's just going to make anything physcial all the worse. Please, PLEASE seek some outside help.
Again
how long has it been since you had a good night's sleep, or even seven hours of sleep in one 24 hour period?
you realize that sleep deprivation is a very effective torture device? It will drive anyone crazy, and it sounds to me like you are on the verge of a breakdown.
what I want you to do, and I really mean it, is to lay down and try to sleep every time your baby falls asleep. Even if you have other things you think you need to do, sleep is most important right now. Even if you might only get five or ten minutes of sleep, you gotta try.
My babies always react to my mood. If I freak out when they are upset, they get even more upset, and the cycle keeps repeating. You gotta take care of yourself first, or you won't be able to take care of your baby. You need help. I'm not sure exactly what sort of help you need, whether it is help with the housework and taking care of the baby, or help with your emotional state, but you gotta reach out and ask somebody for the help you need.
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you realize that sleep deprivation is a very effective torture device? It will drive anyone crazy, and it sounds to me like you are on the verge of a breakdown.
what I want you to do, and I really mean it, is to lay down and try to sleep every time your baby falls asleep. Even if you have other things you think you need to do, sleep is most important right now. Even if you might only get five or ten minutes of sleep, you gotta try.
My babies always react to my mood. If I freak out when they are upset, they get even more upset, and the cycle keeps repeating. You gotta take care of yourself first, or you won't be able to take care of your baby. You need help. I'm not sure exactly what sort of help you need, whether it is help with the housework and taking care of the baby, or help with your emotional state, but you gotta reach out and ask somebody for the help you need.
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11,754 Posts
Andrea, I hate that I am headed out of town right now.
I only have a minute to post but I want to say that I am right there with you. I feel every day that I am a failure with my girls and they are 19 months old.
I think that one thing that you absolutely have to do is spend time with other mamas. And I don't mean mamas that try to pretend that they and their lives are perfect. I mean down to earth, show-you-their-scars kind of mamas. It is so easy to look at other mamas and think that they are perfect and never do this, but it is a lie. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when one of my friends (who appears to be perfect in every way) confessed that she loses it and yells at her son and that she feels angry at him. I thought I was such a bad person, but knowing someone like her feels that way too made me feel like maybe I am normal.
10 months is a really hard age. And you aren't meant to do it alone. We are meant to mother surrounded by a supportive village, not alone in our separate houses. On top of all that your dh is being totally unsupportive.
I think besides seeking out honest mamas who will share their true feelings with you, you should also see about getting some counseling. Sometimes it helps just to have an objective person to vent to who can help you figure out some solutions.
I hope that others have some good advice for you, and I hope that you realize that it isn't a failure for you to feel angry and frustrated. Recognize it for what it is, a signal that you do need a break and some help to start feeling normal again.
I only have a minute to post but I want to say that I am right there with you. I feel every day that I am a failure with my girls and they are 19 months old.
I think that one thing that you absolutely have to do is spend time with other mamas. And I don't mean mamas that try to pretend that they and their lives are perfect. I mean down to earth, show-you-their-scars kind of mamas. It is so easy to look at other mamas and think that they are perfect and never do this, but it is a lie. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when one of my friends (who appears to be perfect in every way) confessed that she loses it and yells at her son and that she feels angry at him. I thought I was such a bad person, but knowing someone like her feels that way too made me feel like maybe I am normal.
10 months is a really hard age. And you aren't meant to do it alone. We are meant to mother surrounded by a supportive village, not alone in our separate houses. On top of all that your dh is being totally unsupportive.
I think besides seeking out honest mamas who will share their true feelings with you, you should also see about getting some counseling. Sometimes it helps just to have an objective person to vent to who can help you figure out some solutions.
I hope that others have some good advice for you, and I hope that you realize that it isn't a failure for you to feel angry and frustrated. Recognize it for what it is, a signal that you do need a break and some help to start feeling normal again.
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1,924 Posts
Oh wow, I have no words of wisdom for you...just don't say you are a bad mother. You obviously care, or you wouldn't be stressed about what is going on. You need some help around the house....with your child and with house "stuff".
And tell your husband..well, I can't say what I would tell him....but give me a break. Way to help out your partner and mother of your child...
Do you have family or friends nearby?
Caroline
And tell your husband..well, I can't say what I would tell him....but give me a break. Way to help out your partner and mother of your child...
Do you have family or friends nearby?
Caroline
Oh goodness, Andrea. I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't have any suggestion either just that I'm feeling for you.
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I'm quite sure your daughter doesn't hate you. I'm sure the stress has built up and that has lead you to read her that way. Tell your husband that you need not to be told you are a bad wife! He should be helping you.
Love to you and your precious daughter.
I'm quite sure your daughter doesn't hate you. I'm sure the stress has built up and that has lead you to read her that way. Tell your husband that you need not to be told you are a bad wife! He should be helping you.
Love to you and your precious daughter.
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4,897 Posts
I really have nothing new and earth-shattering to add to the previous, brilliant posts, but wanted to add my hugs and support and good wishes...and to say that if you need to talk to a show-you-her-scars mama, as laralou put it, I'll volunteer. I am so NOT the perfect mama and in fact have experienced a lot of what you're talking about...I especially related to the idea that DS would be better off w/o me. Am now treating my PPD with counseling and meds, and it is GETTING BETTER. You can get better too, hon. You can.
~nick
~nick
Andrea, I just wanted to say I so hear you on the nursing front. My dd also bites me every time we nurse and my nipples are cracked and bleeding. It makes me feel crazy when I am trying to put her to sleep, and she is chronically overtired most of the time, which only compounds the issue. Your post struck me as a normal reaction to your situation, I want to throw myself out the window a lot of the time(good thing it's on the ground floor) I have no real suggestions, just lots of empathy and
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s
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499 Posts
sister what you need is to tell your hubby that he isnt helping the situation at all and that he needs to be more positive so that you can reflect that. you should get on some meds. i have faught with depression my whole life and am on welbutrin and it helps. talk with your doctor about it...he/she can help you. your daughter needs you and is obviously having a hard time right now. try to discipline her gently by telling her that it hurts you when she does these things...and put her down and walk away. then try again.
please dont be so hard on yourself...
*singing*
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In this friendly, friendly world
With each day so full of joy
Why should any heart be lonely
In this friendly, friendly world
With each night so full of dreams
Why should any heart be afraid
The world is such a wonderful place
To wander through
When you've got someone you love
To wander along with you
With the skies so full of stars
And the river so full of song
Every heart should be so thankful
Thankful for this friendly, friendly world
i hope this helps
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please dont be so hard on yourself...
*singing*
In this friendly, friendly world
With each day so full of joy
Why should any heart be lonely
In this friendly, friendly world
With each night so full of dreams
Why should any heart be afraid
The world is such a wonderful place
To wander through
When you've got someone you love
To wander along with you
With the skies so full of stars
And the river so full of song
Every heart should be so thankful
Thankful for this friendly, friendly world
i hope this helps
We have tried elimination diets.My family is VERY unsupportive and judgemental of my parenting choices. Someimes they are downright rude.
I read the "finding your tribe" article about a year back and cried for a week. I need a bestest-friend momma whos shoulder I can cry on once in a while and who will appreciate me for me.
I read the "finding your tribe" article about a year back and cried for a week. I need a bestest-friend momma whos shoulder I can cry on once in a while and who will appreciate me for me.
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2,748 Posts
Believe me, I know where you are right now. I've got 9 month old twin girls and one of them is exactly like your daughter. I love her and her sister (who is still a high needs baby, but much more mellow compared to her) more than anything on this planet but some days I think of running away from home for good. I've got two of them to deal with and some days I feel like I'm already messing them up. I've caught myself yelling at them a couple of times and I can't explain how horrible that makes me feel about myself. I'm really confident as a mother but there are moments that I just feel like I'm going to lose it for good. But I'm concerned that you're probably under a lot of stress from external factors (not your daughter) that are affecting how you interact and respond to her. It sounds like the situation with your husband is putting some stress on you.
I think the most important thing for you right now is taking care of you and your daughter first. I'm a new mommy too and am learning to prioritize, but people keep telling me that my needs ultimately come first and then my girls'. I'm still trying to figure out how that fits in with making sure babies are fed, clean, etc. but I think it ultimately means that an unhappy mommy makes for unahappy baby(ies). So I would offer that same advice to you. Can you take off for a few hours a week? Just go outside for a walk, go to a coffee shop, shopping, exercise....whatever makes you feel better. I go the library once a week for a few hours because it's QUIET. Can you do something similiar?
Also, I've learned that babies react to stress from mom & dad (but especially mom). If I'm stressed out, they are even more clingy and needy. My ultra high needs baby cries if I even leave the room for a second to put a dish in the sink. Going to the bathroom is a real nightmare. But if I talk to them and sing to them and tell them what I'm doing it seems to make things a little better (maybe it's just in my head, I don't know). And when I feel real anger toward one of them, I've learned to try to turn my mind and tell them how much I love them.
I've also learned that my frustration toward them comes mostly from my wanting them to be different than they are. I think the whole point of AP is listening to your children and letting them be who and what they are. If they're being something that is annoying to us, then that is really our problem, isn't it? I'm trying to practice just letting my daughter whine & be needy while I sort of detach a bit so it doesn't affect me as deeply as it used to. I have to say it works for the most part (we had a bad day today, but it's slowly getting better. Today when she was crying her head off and wouldn't let me console her I just held her while she cried and told her how much I love her. It really didn't make her stop crying any less but it made me feel much better).
Your daughter is way too young to hate you. You are the most important person in her life. She looks to you for comfort and love. If you're feeling stressed out then you owe it to her and yourself to get some help. I don't know where you're located but I would urge you to seek out some commmunity resources for help. Maybe you could find some help for your husband too?
Good luck. I wish you the best. I don't think I've helped any, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. Hang in there.
I think the most important thing for you right now is taking care of you and your daughter first. I'm a new mommy too and am learning to prioritize, but people keep telling me that my needs ultimately come first and then my girls'. I'm still trying to figure out how that fits in with making sure babies are fed, clean, etc. but I think it ultimately means that an unhappy mommy makes for unahappy baby(ies). So I would offer that same advice to you. Can you take off for a few hours a week? Just go outside for a walk, go to a coffee shop, shopping, exercise....whatever makes you feel better. I go the library once a week for a few hours because it's QUIET. Can you do something similiar?
Also, I've learned that babies react to stress from mom & dad (but especially mom). If I'm stressed out, they are even more clingy and needy. My ultra high needs baby cries if I even leave the room for a second to put a dish in the sink. Going to the bathroom is a real nightmare. But if I talk to them and sing to them and tell them what I'm doing it seems to make things a little better (maybe it's just in my head, I don't know). And when I feel real anger toward one of them, I've learned to try to turn my mind and tell them how much I love them.
I've also learned that my frustration toward them comes mostly from my wanting them to be different than they are. I think the whole point of AP is listening to your children and letting them be who and what they are. If they're being something that is annoying to us, then that is really our problem, isn't it? I'm trying to practice just letting my daughter whine & be needy while I sort of detach a bit so it doesn't affect me as deeply as it used to. I have to say it works for the most part (we had a bad day today, but it's slowly getting better. Today when she was crying her head off and wouldn't let me console her I just held her while she cried and told her how much I love her. It really didn't make her stop crying any less but it made me feel much better).
Your daughter is way too young to hate you. You are the most important person in her life. She looks to you for comfort and love. If you're feeling stressed out then you owe it to her and yourself to get some help. I don't know where you're located but I would urge you to seek out some commmunity resources for help. Maybe you could find some help for your husband too?
Good luck. I wish you the best. I don't think I've helped any, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. Hang in there.
It sounds like your going through so much and I wish I could do more for you than just a cyber hug!
We all have our bad mama moments. I know that some days I wonder how im going to handle this for the rest of my life and I lose it sometimes.
please know you are NOT a bad mama and your dd would NOT be better off without you! you need to get some rest, regroup and get those nipples healed up. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of that beautiful babe of yours!
and I promise you, she'll get older and it'll get easier and all of this will be forgotten in that wonderful file folder called mommy amnesia.
and if you were in CA. I would love to be your mama friend and id let you cry on my shoulder anytime!
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