I have a friend that is so opposite AP (spanks, doesn't respond emotionally to her ds -he's 2 now, puts him down, is always calling him a trouble maker-even though he's a sweetheart.... ) anyway, this all drives me crazy... she's always telling me I should put dd down more even though I've explained my point of view.... Yesterday, at a party, she tried to give dd (age 4 months) a taste of cucumber beet garlic soup!!! I actually batted the spoon out of her hand when it was about one inch from dd's mouth!!! Ahh! I felt so violated. My friend said "I only wanted to give her a taste and see her face expression" I told her "I'm not giving her any food until she's at least 6 months old" (we've had this conversation before). I just feel like our different parenting styles are making us drift apart. I certainly don't want to hang out with someone who's always judging me. In her defense, she's from Morroco, where children aren't exactly respected generally. Anyone else have friendships change after kids come into the picture? It's kind of sad but I don't really want to be around her with dd and would certainly never leave her alone with dd! Sad, since she used to be one of my closest friends
Non AP friendships?
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Yes. I've had to let a few friendships go. The spanking friends were first on the list for me.
It was definitely hard for me to let certain friendships slide, but it was more important for me for my DC to not be exposed to them.
Originally Posted by Enudely Anyone else have friendships change after kids come into the picture? |
It was definitely hard for me to let certain friendships slide, but it was more important for me for my DC to not be exposed to them.
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I've had to let a friendship go over parenting differences. I had one friend who spanked her dd. She also yelled at the poor child throughout the meal whenever we had dinner with her family. They would yell at her to sit up, get her elbows off the table, eat, etc. It drove me crazy. I wondered how the girl could eat at all with the stress. Strangely, this friend also liked to give babies strange tasting foods to "see the expression on their faces." I thought that was mean. We drifted apart and I don't regret it at all.
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I have friends with different parenting styles. Some are minor differences...we use a sling, they use a stroller. Others are much bigger differences like circumcision and giving a 4 month old cookies (not just solids, but cookies!).
So far I have not lost any friends over our differing parenting practices. But I have changed certain friendships. With some friends we simply don't discuss parenting practices...we talk about life, music, films, the weather, food, tv shows, our partners, our jobs, our recent books, what we're knitting or weaving or painting, and the funny things our babes are doing...but we don't talk about breastfeeding/age at weaning, or co-sleeping/cio, or spanking, or circ, or vax, or any of those subjects that could devolve into hurt feelings.
In some cases I don't like the atmosphere of some homes (inappropriate toys/videos/games/attitudes towards discipline or baby care) so dd and I don't go there...we'll socialize in the park, a coffee shop, the science center, the library, wherever...but not in that mama's house.
I think the thing that makes this work is that we were all good friends for years before the little ones came along. We all went to college together, we have enough in common that we are all willing to "ignore" certain aspects of parenting. The more "mainstream parents" don't talk about how wonderful Ferber is or how great it feels to "not be stuck breastfeeding" and the "crunchy parents" don't talk about the damage caused by cio or the benefits of extended breastfeeding. There's a sort of mutual tolerance (if not respect) for other people's choices.
The situation you're describing though sounds like your friend doesn't respect your authority in your own family, and isn't willing to abide by the boundaries you've set. Is there any way you can discuss this with her...not make her feel like your choices are "better" than hers (even if they are!), but explain that you have made certain decisions about your child and would like her to respect those decisions even if she can't agree with them?
If all else fails, and you still want to be friends, maybe go with the "socialize without your little ones"? That can put a real damper on getting together and maybe your friend will realize she wants to keep the relationship going and so learns to respect your boundaries?
Good luck mama...
So far I have not lost any friends over our differing parenting practices. But I have changed certain friendships. With some friends we simply don't discuss parenting practices...we talk about life, music, films, the weather, food, tv shows, our partners, our jobs, our recent books, what we're knitting or weaving or painting, and the funny things our babes are doing...but we don't talk about breastfeeding/age at weaning, or co-sleeping/cio, or spanking, or circ, or vax, or any of those subjects that could devolve into hurt feelings.
In some cases I don't like the atmosphere of some homes (inappropriate toys/videos/games/attitudes towards discipline or baby care) so dd and I don't go there...we'll socialize in the park, a coffee shop, the science center, the library, wherever...but not in that mama's house.
I think the thing that makes this work is that we were all good friends for years before the little ones came along. We all went to college together, we have enough in common that we are all willing to "ignore" certain aspects of parenting. The more "mainstream parents" don't talk about how wonderful Ferber is or how great it feels to "not be stuck breastfeeding" and the "crunchy parents" don't talk about the damage caused by cio or the benefits of extended breastfeeding. There's a sort of mutual tolerance (if not respect) for other people's choices.
The situation you're describing though sounds like your friend doesn't respect your authority in your own family, and isn't willing to abide by the boundaries you've set. Is there any way you can discuss this with her...not make her feel like your choices are "better" than hers (even if they are!), but explain that you have made certain decisions about your child and would like her to respect those decisions even if she can't agree with them?
If all else fails, and you still want to be friends, maybe go with the "socialize without your little ones"? That can put a real damper on getting together and maybe your friend will realize she wants to keep the relationship going and so learns to respect your boundaries?
Good luck mama...
I'm not completely AP, but we eat organic, I breastfed my kids, I'm into gentle disicipline and am trying cloth diapering. However, I have friends who are both extremes (Ap to non-AP). I think it is a case by case basis for me. However, as another poster said, the spanking gets me. I can be friends with mom's who formula feed, do CIO, eat junk food, whatever (I feel everyone has a right to make their own parenting choices as long as their child is not in danger, and I don't want them to make the choices for me, so who am I to make them for them?), but it gets really difficult when I see a mom spank their child, or speak horrifically to them. I have one friend who IMO is really mean to her daughter at times. I don't hang out with her as much. It breaks my heart to see it.
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i cant hang with parents who beat their kids! and thats what i consider spanking.
many of my friends ff, CIO, eat junkfood, etc....as long as they aren't judgmental of ME, our f/s is ok. unfortunately, most ppl get off on making fun of my crunchiness, so i tend to hang with my non-AP friends less than my other ones.
i prefer to hang with someone who respects my decision to cd, cosleep, EBF, not circ. and not vax (although im still not entirely sure about the vax issue).
it gets on my nerves when ppl say cd'ing is just "too hard", junk food wont hurt them (its FUN!), and im being extreme by not letting my little baby have vax's.
so....although i don't refuse to hang with non-AP parents, the respect needed for my decisions doesnt come as easily from those friends.
many of my friends ff, CIO, eat junkfood, etc....as long as they aren't judgmental of ME, our f/s is ok. unfortunately, most ppl get off on making fun of my crunchiness, so i tend to hang with my non-AP friends less than my other ones.
i prefer to hang with someone who respects my decision to cd, cosleep, EBF, not circ. and not vax (although im still not entirely sure about the vax issue).
it gets on my nerves when ppl say cd'ing is just "too hard", junk food wont hurt them (its FUN!), and im being extreme by not letting my little baby have vax's.
so....although i don't refuse to hang with non-AP parents, the respect needed for my decisions doesnt come as easily from those friends.
yeah sorry about the generalization, but my friend told me everyone spanks in Morrocco
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Anyone ever say anything to said friends? IMO, CIO is abusive so I dont think I could hang w/ someone who did it. Oddly, the friend Im speaking of does the family bed thing. She also is totally mean to her kid, always puttinh him down :"you;re a troublke maker/pest/monster" You're gonna drop it, fall, break it....etc" and she's constantlt on his case about EVERYHING! I just want to say "leave the poor kid alone!!" I feel SO bad for the little guy and almost obligated to say something but Im worried it will be crossing boundaries
Anyone ever say anything to said friends? IMO, CIO is abusive so I dont think I could hang w/ someone who did it. Oddly, the friend Im speaking of does the family bed thing. She also is totally mean to her kid, always puttinh him down :"you;re a troublke maker/pest/monster" You're gonna drop it, fall, break it....etc" and she's constantlt on his case about EVERYHING! I just want to say "leave the poor kid alone!!" I feel SO bad for the little guy and almost obligated to say something but Im worried it will be crossing boundaries
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You know, I think your friend may be a little full of it in just saying everyone in Morocco does things a certain way. I have several friends from Morocco who are very gentle AP-type moms. I'm sure plenty Moroccans spank but that doesn't mean she should feed your baby beet soup!
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I think certain friends are better at certain points in our lives. I've had friends who supported me (and I supported them) in college and early marriage years. But somehow, parenting seems to bring out the best and worst in people.
For the record, I have had friends who are almost anti-AP. But they were smart enough not to engage me on the topic, or to spank their kids in front of me. Other people, some of whom were even partially-AP just didn't respect *my* authority as parent of my child.
That's where your friend is. It's one thing for her to raise her children her way, it's another thing entirely to disrespect your decisions regarding your children. I would probably approach the topic with her from this direction rather than as a condemnation of her parenting choices. If it happens again, then clearly you have to distance your children from her (which at this point means distancing yourself.)
Interestingly enough, you'll likely find that as you discover these things about her as a parent, you'll start to notice similar unhappy habits she has in general.
For the record, I have had friends who are almost anti-AP. But they were smart enough not to engage me on the topic, or to spank their kids in front of me. Other people, some of whom were even partially-AP just didn't respect *my* authority as parent of my child.
That's where your friend is. It's one thing for her to raise her children her way, it's another thing entirely to disrespect your decisions regarding your children. I would probably approach the topic with her from this direction rather than as a condemnation of her parenting choices. If it happens again, then clearly you have to distance your children from her (which at this point means distancing yourself.)
Interestingly enough, you'll likely find that as you discover these things about her as a parent, you'll start to notice similar unhappy habits she has in general.
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I love what Sharondio says and agree totally!
My biggest issue is keeping calm around work friends who are having kids and making what I consider (and many here would consider) very selfish decisions. FFing because they want more "freedom" from their kids, for example-- I had to work so hard to BF, pumped exclusively for six weeks and am still working on getting rid of shields, and one friend who had her baby in June had NO latching difficulties whatsoever and has already switched for FF just 'cause.
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: My old department head has told me and another work-friend who's pretty AP that if she had to do it over again (her kid's a year older) that she'd do CIO. I keep my mouth shut but make NO apologies for the way I do things, either.
But on the other hand I know that I've had an influence on my one friend who's pretty AP and has a son the same age as my dd. She still takes her ds to the pedi who "fired" us over not vaxing but shares all the bad advice she gets from them and we make fun of it together.
My biggest issue is keeping calm around work friends who are having kids and making what I consider (and many here would consider) very selfish decisions. FFing because they want more "freedom" from their kids, for example-- I had to work so hard to BF, pumped exclusively for six weeks and am still working on getting rid of shields, and one friend who had her baby in June had NO latching difficulties whatsoever and has already switched for FF just 'cause.
But on the other hand I know that I've had an influence on my one friend who's pretty AP and has a son the same age as my dd. She still takes her ds to the pedi who "fired" us over not vaxing but shares all the bad advice she gets from them and we make fun of it together.
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I haven't completely ended friendships over parenting, but I have limited time I spend with people. I have also decided not to pursue a new friendship when in our first irl conversation the Mama told me how 'bad' her two year old was, etc
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sigh. i was just posting about this. food, sleep... yeah. drift is too small a word in my case. violently shattered might fit better. breaks my friggin heart, but there ya are. the worst part is its keeping me from other friends too.... shes kinda comandeered them. augh.
i'll be your friend. i promise never to give your food if you promise never to tell me i MUST buy this that and the other contraption for ds.
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hugs!!!!
i'll be your friend. i promise never to give your food if you promise never to tell me i MUST buy this that and the other contraption for ds.
hugs!!!!
It is so sad. My friend yells at her dd constantly. She is always telling her to stop it, you're being annoying, you're pissing me off, Where's your mother? She lets her kid cry when she clearly just needs a hug, etc. Then she calls it "The terrible 2s hit early". It got to the point where everytime I saw her she was constantly yelling at her daughter for something.
Her daughter will stand there and scream "MOM" at the top of her lungs repetitvely as she is being ignored. Her daughter wakes up at 8 and cries until she decides to get up at 1030.
It's put a huge damper on our friendship. We're still friends but I don't accept parenting advice from her. Nor would I listen to her stories about how her daughter was doing anything bad. We also don't hang out during the day because I don't want to see what she is doing to her poor little girl.
Her daughter will stand there and scream "MOM" at the top of her lungs repetitvely as she is being ignored. Her daughter wakes up at 8 and cries until she decides to get up at 1030.
It's put a huge damper on our friendship. We're still friends but I don't accept parenting advice from her. Nor would I listen to her stories about how her daughter was doing anything bad. We also don't hang out during the day because I don't want to see what she is doing to her poor little girl.
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OMG! This really makes me want to cry......that's terrible
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I could never imagine parenting like that.....wow!
Originally Posted by krizty Her daughter will stand there and scream "MOM" at the top of her lungs repetitvely as she is being ignored. Her daughter wakes up at 8 and cries until she decides to get up at 1030. |
krizty, do you ever say anything to her? That's how my friend is. She's constantly on her 2 yo's case, he's going to have horrible self esteem!! I keep wanting to say something like "If you keep telling him he's a trouble maker, that's exactly what he's going to be" or "you know he's going to believe whatever you tell him about himself". But basically, I'm a wimp. I don't want to seem like I'm being totally critical of her, and she probably won't change but her poor, sweet sensitive little boy!!
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I love that little guy and he's going to have it sooo hard! His head is actually STILL flat in back from lying on his back so much as an infant and they used to gang up on him as a toddler, his dad holding his arms, his uncle holding his legs while his mom changed his diaper and he would SCREAM and they would laugh.... anyway, I could go on and on but you're right, it is SO SAD!
I love that little guy and he's going to have it sooo hard! His head is actually STILL flat in back from lying on his back so much as an infant and they used to gang up on him as a toddler, his dad holding his arms, his uncle holding his legs while his mom changed his diaper and he would SCREAM and they would laugh.... anyway, I could go on and on but you're right, it is SO SAD!
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I, too am *very* uncomfortable when I hear a friend say something bad about their child like that. What I have done in the past is say the positive part of that trait. For example, we know a little DC who is super affectionate and he sometimes gives unwelcome power-hugs. His mom will get mad and punish him/call him a monster, and I say to her -- have you ever noticed that [child] is just the most affectionate. And he never hits when he is mad or anything. He is just so overflowing with love that it comes out of all his pores!
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I try to keep it light. I make jokes that poke fun at the situation, but that show that the DC really is great.
My own DC is on the wild side, and one reason that we will homeschool him (at least at first) is that he can't sit still. I have heard a lot of negative comments about this from other mothers who feel sorry for me. But, see, I *love* that my DC is so brave, daring, and risk-taking. I am like that, too. I think he trusts that the Universe will protect him. I would rather have that kind of DC than one who is more timid. But, that is why he is *MY* DC. The Universe sure was thinking when we got landed with DS!
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Anyway, I hope this helps. I also tell moms when I hear them brag about their DC and they stop and say, "Oh, I don't mean to brag." I say, PLEASE brag! I love to hear parents loving their children!! Nothing uplifts me more than to hear a mom or dad talking great about their child!
My own DC is on the wild side, and one reason that we will homeschool him (at least at first) is that he can't sit still. I have heard a lot of negative comments about this from other mothers who feel sorry for me. But, see, I *love* that my DC is so brave, daring, and risk-taking. I am like that, too. I think he trusts that the Universe will protect him. I would rather have that kind of DC than one who is more timid. But, that is why he is *MY* DC. The Universe sure was thinking when we got landed with DS!
Anyway, I hope this helps. I also tell moms when I hear them brag about their DC and they stop and say, "Oh, I don't mean to brag." I say, PLEASE brag! I love to hear parents loving their children!! Nothing uplifts me more than to hear a mom or dad talking great about their child!
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