[Sarah-Tina]

I'm looking for support and experiences. I can't find the non-bio mom thread. So i hope this'll work for now. Basically, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with being away from their non-bio child for a week...My DP is taking DS to see grandma and I can't go. I'm feeling like a complete freak and train wreck for feeling like my heart is being torn from my chest. I find myself being weirdly unsupportive about the trip which i encouraged her to go on. DS is 14 months. This is scheduled for next month. I've never been away from him for more than 12 hours (at work). It's not about not trusting them or anything like that...it's about just missing him so much it hurts...and needing support from people who have been there. I know I'll get more sleep and get stuff done around the house when I get home from work...but I can't help but think I'm going to miss something and that I'm.....I don't even know...just torn. I need community support here. That's all. Thanks!

 

[starling&diesel]

Not in your situation, but couldn't help but stop by and give you a hug.

ps. i think your feelings are completely normal and to be expected!

 

[lexbeach]

My dw was often separated from our kids (who I gave birth to) for a weekend starting when they were pretty little (6 weeks old!). She really *needed* the breaks. When our twins were five months old, she left for a month to go work in Alaska, and repeated that trip every summer until last summer (when the kids were 5, 5, and 1).

I NEVER could have been separated from our kids for that amount of time. I don't believe that it's a bio/non-bio mom issue though; I know of plenty of bio-moms who are ready for an overnight away from their little babies after just a couple of months. I think everyone feels separation differently and has different needs in regards to space and alone time.

I am very concerned about having to leave our new baby (who dw is giving birth to) for any amount of time (I've never left our other three kids AT ALL before they were several months old, and even then it was only for an hour or two until they were well past one (and even still then, I've never been apart from my 2-year-old for more than 4 hours)). But since dw will be staying home for a while, I will have to leave the baby and go to work at some point. It is going to be very difficult for me.

A week is a long time for you to have to be separated from your little one if you don't want to be. Is there any way to shorten the trip, or that you could join them half-way? Or could grandma come to you?

I do believe that your needs to be with your child should not be overlooked. I know that I would never be able to handle a week-long separation from any of our kids (and my feelings aren't any different for the babies I gave birth to vs. thinking ahead to the baby that dw will give birth to).

Lex

 

[Sarah-Tina]

thanks for your input star/diesel and lex. There isn't anything I can do about the trip. It is shorter now, just friday through Wednesday. And that should help. DP is close to her family, but they are 8 hours away. And them coming here isn't an option this time since the reason grandma wants them to visit is because she wants my dp and ds to hang out with her and the baby cousin (dp's brothers baby, who grandma watches 3 days a week). Since I work 2 jobs (as current sole income) I can't go.

her family has helped us through tough financial times...so i feel extra like i cant say anything. ANd yeah...I never imagined Id ever be away from him overnight. I only ever slept seperately from him once, when my cat was dying and I didn't

want her to die alone.

its important to my dp for us to be independent from each other. And other than that, I do feel like as non bio mom, I have second say in things like this.

 

[megincl]

I totally feel you on separation from a non-bio child. Frankly, I think that for many people, separation from a child doesn't have to do with birthing them, being biologically connected, etc. You are his parent, you love him, he's part of you. I was away this week for 5 days and felt literal ache for my boy the last two days.

What saddens me the most is the last thing you wrote about feeling like you have second say in things wrt your son. I wonder if you're feeling this way about the separation is really a way of your heart and mind signaling you that something is amiss in your parenting partnership. I think that as a kiddo moves into a year/toddlerhood, there are many shifts. He's less dependent on your partner, if he is nursing, he's getting more into the world, etc. So parenting roles shift in accordance. I would recommend a good heart to heart with your partner about your feelings of second fiddle-ness.

Thinking of you.

megin

 

[Disco Infiltrator]

I'm the bio mom, but that said, I don't think it's about being the birth mom or the non-birth mom. It would be no less painful for my wife to be separated from DS than it would be for me, and I wouldn't expect it to be any different. I'm sorry you're facing this separation.

:

 

[Sarah-Tina]

thanks everyone, that's quite helpful. DP and I are working this out.

I think part of the problem is that I feel isolated, and I FEEL differences between bio, non bio, stay at home, vs working mom...nursing vs. non-nursing (whether or not they exist or not is irrelevant, as thinking makes it so). DP has a moms group that she goes to, and spends all day with DS. I have the mornings, nights and weekends with him. And I have no other parents (other than DP) that I hang out with. Which adds to my isolation. It's a little crazy making. Did I mention I'm from a dysfunctional family as well, and that I'm a little crazy...

:

Maybe the differences are only present here in my relationship and I was incorrect for titling this post non-bio mom question. It's interesting though that mostly bio moms replied and told me this was not a non-bio mom issue.

Am i really the only person who feels like this?

:

 

[lexbeach]

It seems to me like it might be more of a working mom vs. SAHM issue, which in your case does also correspond with the biological relationship. My guess is that if you were the one staying home with your LO, and your dw was working outside the home, then it would be more up to you re: travel and separation. But it is still significant that you FEEL as though your voice isn't as important as the NGP (non-gestational parent), regardless of whether or not your feelings are a true reflection of what's going on.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone in your current situation, and I hope that someone else pops in who has been in similar shoes.

Lex

 

[megincl]

Just to clarify, I'm the non-bio mom (I realize now that it wasn't clear)/NGP. And I have had and still have some of the same experiences. I even felt like second fiddle for a long while when I was the primary caregiver. So please know that you're not alone.

 

[Sarah-Tina]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate everything everyone has to say. Thanks Especially for having patience with me as I try to sort out my feelings and do so with a hint of an attitude that I don't mean to have.

 

[lyn_ftst]

Even if, as Lex says, this is at it's core about SAHM vs. working outside the home, I think in two-mom families, it is much more likely that the non-bio-mom/NGP will be working and a bio-mom will be home or at least in more of a primary caretaking role, for a host of complicated and not-so-complicated reasons (note: NOT all such families!). It can be really hard to feel that extra separation from your child (either due to being at work, or due to a trip like this), when you already feel like you need to do "extra" as an NGP (since you don't have a genetic link, or--most likely--a nursing bond).

I was first away from our daughter (and I am non-bio-mom for our first, currently pregnant with our second)), at about 4 1/2 months for a conference. I remember feeling absolutely horrible to be away, and swearing up and down I'd never do it again. I felt very sensitive that maybe our friends/family thought I was less of a mom because I had gone, and this was despite the fact that I was at that point our daughter's primary caregiver. Situations like that can bring out insecurity in any parent, but I do think there is extra when you are a non-bio-mom. These days though, both my wife and I feel comfortable leaving (usually for conferences), and actually relish a few days away. I also love it when my wife is gone, and I get a few days of really good solo time with our daughter.

What do you do to get time, preferably time alone, with your kiddo? For an NGP, getting some time as a solo parent, perhaps on the weekends, can do worlds of good in terms of increasing your confidence. If you can be confident in your parenting, then it becomes much easier to stop playing second fiddle so-to-speak.

Hang in there. There is a lot of pressure to pretend there aren't difficulties specific to building two-mom families, particularly for non-bio-moms. This ends up creating a lot of silence regarding the parts that are hard, when really we need to speak up and talk to each other.

 

[Sarah-Tina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyn_ftst It can be really hard to feel that extra separation from your child (either due to being at work, or due to a trip like this), when you already feel like you need to do "extra" as an NGP (since you don't have a genetic link, or--most likely--a nursing bond).

Right! I feel sad as a result. He might miss me, but he doesn't need me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyn_ftst Hang in there. There is a lot of pressure to pretend there aren't difficulties specific to building two-mom families, particularly for non-bio-moms. This ends up creating a lot of silence regarding the parts that are hard, when really we need to speak up and talk to each other.

This is so true. I wasn't anticipating it when I first posted my question, but yeah. I realized as I wrote and as I try to reply to the feedback I'm getting that I'm trying to "get it right" and to not offend others and to perhaps even silence the difficulties I feel if they are not shared.

 

[Disco Infiltrator]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyn_ftst Hang in there. There is a lot of pressure to pretend there aren't difficulties specific to building two-mom families, particularly for non-bio-moms. This ends up creating a lot of silence regarding the parts that are hard, when really we need to speak up and talk to each other.

I totally agree with this. I actually wanted DW to start some sort of non-bio mom support group because I feel so passionately that non-bio moms have specific needs and concerned that often go unaddressed. Being the bio mom, I don't always understand those difficulties. And the issues/concerns of non-bio moms cannot be equated to the issues of fathers, even if there are similarities. I wish there was more dialogue but I think there's also a lot of pressure for queer families to be very successful because of the discrimination we face. If we let the cracks in the facade show, we'll prove our critics right.

Our family is structured in a way that I (bio mom) work more than DW, making her the primary caregiver. The lucky part is that being an RN I do shift work, so I'm still home a lot. I think we have the most equal parenting relationship I've seen, but it's still not entirely equal because of the nursing relationship. This hurts me and sometimes I find that I almost want to set aside DS's needs in order to keep him from unintentionally hurting DW. It's a hard place to be.

 

[lexbeach]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Disco Infiltrator I think we have the most equal parenting relationship I've seen, but it's still not entirely equal because of the nursing relationship. This hurts me and sometimes I find that I almost want to set aside DS's needs in order to keep him from unintentionally hurting DW. It's a hard place to be.

We've found it helpful to remember that the nursing relationship is really only a brief period of time, and that there will always be times when one of us is more able to meet a particular child's needs. It is our choice if we decide to have hurt feelings when one of our children prefers the other mother, and not intentional on the part of the child. If we choose to feel hurt, we call it, "hurting our own feelings." Our twins did frequently prefer me as a source of comfort when they were nursing (weaned at ages 2.5 and 3), but that preference did not last beyond the nursing years at all. Since weaning, the twins have more often preferred dw than they have me (probably because dw took over in the nighttime parenting department when ds3 was born, and that's when most of the comforting takes place for older kids). At times I have felt rejected, but I make myself realize that I am choosing to feel that way.

In our family, since dw has worked outside of the home since our kids were born, and since I have always been a SAHM, the dynamic is that I am kind of "boring mom," and dw is "fun and playful, exciting mom!" As soon as I pick the kids up from school, the question is "when is Mama getting home?" and EVERYONE prefers Mama when she's here (even ds3 who is still nursing quite a bit).

I do feel like I have more to prove in regards to my relationship with baby #4 (who my wife is carrying), so I completely understand that the dynamics ARE different for NGPs. Already I feel like I am viewed as much less important to this baby than dw is by the public at large. Old acquaintances say hi to me and then congratulate Lena. When our midwives were here this week, we were discussing the birth tub set-up, etc., and one of them mentioned that I would be the one emptying the tub after the birth (and I thought, "but I'll need to be lying in bed with the baby TOO!"). I do feel like this whole experience is not as much my experience as it is my wife's. And while I'm guessing that what I am experiencing now is similar to what an expectant father would experience, I don't want to be treated like a father. I want to be treated like a mother. But none of these issues is a true reflection of what my relationship with my fourth baby will be. They are all about the perceptions of other people. Our baby will see me as his mother, regardless of how our old acquaintances see me, or how our midwives see me. And it will be my choice to feel differently about the rejection when ds4 rejects me in favor of dw just as his older brothers have. I hope that I will be able to realize this and not take it as a reflection on my role as my non-bio child's mother. I do think it is helpful to have already been on the other side of the biological relationship, and to have older kids, who have already clearly demonstrated that they see us both as truly equal mothers, without ever placing any emphasis on biological relationship.

Lex

 

[Turtle's Momma]

...for sharing so openly your experiences. My partner is pregnant, about 10 weeks and we have an 8 year old from (my) previous relationship. When we talked about having more kids I think we always assumed I would be the one to carry them. I am a Doula and loved being pregnant and giving birth. However, last October her ovaries started to throb and we have a ready and willing known donor so we went for it. We were blessed with the pink plus sign on our third cycle and here we are. I have bought every book for fathers I can find, and honestly being a non-bio mom is just totally different from what the dads are going through. I can't believe how I respond when people congratulate just her - and how good it feels to be congratulated too. I am relactating so we can both nurse and my darling partner can go back to firefighting at 10 weeks postpartum. Its hard to have to come out in every conversation about adding to our family. Its hard to have my best friend become this totally self obsessed eating and sleeping machine. But its wonderful to be able to talk to her belly while she sleeps. Its wonderful to look at the freckles on her face and wonder what our new baby will look like. I am delighted to show her what Doulas "actually do" for a woman in labor because I know she has a hard time wrapping her head around that. It will be wonderful to watch how motherhood changes her. I truly think non-bio moms could use a space of their own. The challenges are very unique.

 

[lyn_ftst]

It's really nice to see this discussion.

Disco-- We also have an extremely equal sharing of time with our kiddo, though for about the first year, I actually did more of the hands on care. This was largely for economic reasons, but ended up having big payoffs in terms of our family structure. We learned from that, and are actually prioritizing my wife's time with this new baby on purpose (i.e. not for economic reasons). Not drastically so. I'll still have plenty of time with the new baby. But enough to give her some "catch-up" time and some time to build a relationship with this next kid on her own terms. As far as the nursing goes, neither my wife nor daughter were interested in very extended nursing, so that distinction faded for us sooner than some others here. But I also remember that I realized very early, that for us at least, time meant a lot more than nursing in terms of bonding, so it's great that your partner gets good parenting time.

Lex-- You DO need to be on the bed with the baby and your wife and you have every right to be there. Emptying the birth pool can wait.

Turtle-- As yet, I've found no really good resource for non-bio-moms, and believe me, I've tried. I think my wife and I have read close to every queer parenting book out there. I assume you've already found the Harlyn Aizley other mother anthology of essays, but I'd say take even that with a grain of salt. It really does show her editorial bias that NGPs should be more secondary or supportive, and that kind of drives me crazy, though several of the essays are very good. In terms of real issues, I felt like the Brill pregnancy book actually got the closest to hitting on some of the actual early parenting issues. Rachel Pepper completely missed the boat, but that's a rant for another day. There's also an older book, called "Reinventing the Family" by Laura Benkov that has a couple chapters specific to two mom families and she hits some stuff right on target, and does not beat around the bush.

--Lyn