Not doing well with this...

I don't find your post offensive at all. Normal, yes. Offensive, no.

It seems that feeling conflicted and ambivalent as a parent is how it is for some, others sail through with little doubt or guilt. We are who we are.

I am a part time working mom who mostly works for the health benefits, in fact the real reason why I changed my status from per diem (as needed) in the ER was the health benefits. My husbands sucked and were double what it cost at the hospital. Now, changing and working 8 days a month up from 4 was not difficult for me, as I love what I do. I have zero conflict. I do not feel bad or guilty because we need benefits, we need dental, we need a retirement and we are paying cash for our oldest college (and the checks I am writing are mighty!).

When I went back to work after our youngest was born, I absolutely had had had to. We simply could not survive without my income. We came close to losing everything anyway.

You might find it easier once you are in the swing of things. You might not find it as awful as you are anticipating it to be right now. When I went off weekends and nights to a more "normal" shift/schedule at the hospital I worried terribly about my now 8 yr old, as he was so attached and couldn't be with anyone other than my husband or myself or his older siblings. Well, all my worrying and concern was silly because he loves going to karate after school 2 days a week (every other week) and hasn't had a bit of trouble.

We do what we have to do, and if going to work to bring in some extra cash and provide benefits is something you have to do, then do it. You are caring for them just as much if not more than when you were with them 24/7. Don't forget that.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

I think the key for you might be to, hopefully, find a job doing something you truly enjoy. While I had a hard time returning to work after my first, I absolutley love my job and that made everything workable. When I came back after #2 it was easy frankly. Dh was at home and that made a huge difference but even so, the love of the job was so essential!

Another key will be finding a child care situation which truly makes you and your children happy. We've been with the same home day care for over 3 years now and both my kids absolutely love it. When dh went back to work last fall I was nervous that dd would have a tough adjustment. Not even a tiny bit! She so loves going there each day. Sometimes I think she likes it better there than at home!

Good luck and know that it will all work out.

I felt/feel exactly the same way and i just cant do it. We live paycheck to paycheck and get calls every day from bill collectors but I CANNOT leave my ds(dd is in school) with anyone but me, dh or my mom. M mom is not capable of babysitting anymore and dh works nights so it is just not a option. We ended up fileing chapter 11 Bankruptsy when dd was just over a year old. I dont regret having to do that but I would regret it if i had put dd in day care.

I still have nightmares if dh even remotely mentions me going back to work and I have feelings of guilt because of the $ but it is just more important to me to be with my kids. I would rather live in a cave honestly than go back to work and put my kids in day care. i dont have any issues with parents that choose to do so. It is just I cant do that. I will make every sacrifice to be the one there with them.

I wanted to add that my kids have everything they need clothing and food, they may not get whatever they want and i certainly dont but it is worth it. So be it if some bills go unpaid for awhile. I picked what is most important to me and my kids.

Man, life is scary. I am ready to go back to being a kid! I tell ya, this whole grown-up thing is not all it's cracked up to be, is it? But, I guess if we weren't grown-ups, we wouldn't get our amazing, wonderful, gorgeous kids, right? So it's all a compromise. Yuck. I HATE to compromise. I don't see why I can't have my cake and eat it, too...am I right? Isn't that the whole point of the cake in the first place?

Anyway, the point is: life is hard. It will always be hard, and we have to hang on to the good times to get through EVERYTHING that scares us. And there is a lot to be scared of!

My advice:

First, talk to someone about all this! Your reactions to needing to work are quite extreme and indicate that you have some serious issues about it, which you should try to work out. Therapy is expensive, so if you can't afford it, find a friend who will give you license to talk this issue to DEATH! This needs to be someone who won't get exasperated and tell you to just get over it or whatever! This always works for me...when I have something going on that just isn't fun, I ruminate over it, talk about it incessantly, and just generally annoy those whom I have taken into confidence until I finally work through whatever it is that is bothering me.

Second, your kids may just love preschool. I am a working mama, and I had to go back to work TWO MONTHS after my son was born (and it would have been 6 weeks had I h ad a vaginal birth, so I guess that is the ONE good thing that came out of my c-section), so I was thrown back into work quite quickly. It was hard at first, and my husband and I practice split-shift parenting, so he would watch him while I worked. Now, DS is in daycare one day a week, and let me tell ya...he LOVES it!!! Seriously. He is just exhausted after daycare and he has a BLAST! Now, his daycare is in a private home and right now it is just the mom and her two kids, so he gets LOTS of attention. But, he has made me wish we could afford to put him in daycare two days a week! Try to focus on the positive aspects of preschool, and deal with negativity involving daycare when you get there. There's nothing you can do right now about this issue, so try to make it small!

Third, if you can find a job you love, that will make things easier! I don't particularly like my job that much, but I have to admit, I really like working. It uses up that excess mental energy, and I love having conversations that do NOT revolve around DS's BMs. I like having adult time, and it really makes me appreciate my time with DH and DS. There is definitely a part of me that wishes I could stay home with him, and I think most, if not all, working mamas feel that way. But I imagine many SAHMs have a small desire to work outside the home, too. You know, it's a greener grass kind of thing!

Fourth, perspective and patience! Yuck! Those words make me wish I were a kid! Since your kids are about to start preschool, you have probably had other issues involving your children. Or, maybe remember when you were pg with the first, and remember all the uncertainty and fear that came with it. Of course, we love our kids, and for most of us, that love, even before we meet them, outweighs any negatives. But still, you had a great relationship with DH that was about to change, money stuff, etc, etc! However, YOU GOT THROUGH IT!! And things got better! Everything changes, which is great and awful, but it means that this period of scary awfulness CANNOT last long! Take heart!

BTW, you didn't offend me! I hope this offers you some comfort and maybe a little help! I wish you all the luck in the world and I am certain you will make all the right choices!

peace,
Sara

Awwww, y'all are so sweet! I can't tell you how much I appreciate these very warm and helpful responses! After I posted this I went to take a shower and - finally - just let myself cry about all this and somehow it released something in me. I think that my very extreme response (as noted above, he he) has so much to do with just trying hard not to allow myself to feel my own feelings. Duh.

I'm realizing that I have to take this on as a project for my and my girls' and DH's benefit - really look hard at the work and preschool options and choose the best. I'm fortunate to have options, I realize. I bow before the pp who went back to work 8 weeks after a c-section!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 1/2 years later I think I can probably manage, hehe.

I'm also glad to hear from the pp who decided it wasn't an option for you, and that staying home right now is the only way. It helps to know there is a full range of normal emotions and decisions about this.

After I wrote this and cried and so forth I came up with some ideas to get me unstuck in my job search so that I can find something that, as several of you mentioned, is something I love and will work with my need to see as much as possible of my girls.

Thanks again for the wonderful words of encouragement, perspective, and BTDT advice. I think the most powerful thing was just to get it all out there, and to hear that it cannot possibly be as bad as I'm imagining it will be, LOL! Bless you all.

Quote:
No problem, not rude at all! He does have health insurance, but if he quits or has to leave because of the stress, we're without. KWIM?

Thunder, more later!