Mothering Forum banner

Not doing well with this...

905 Views 15 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  Indysay
I just posted this in TAO because I was pretty sure I'd offend lots of folks here if I posted it here, but they said that I should post it here anyway so here it is, and my apologies in advance...

I'm not sure where to put this - every forum I think might be appropriate seems fraught with opportunities to for me to offend the folks there... so here goes, I will now proceed to generally offend, ahem!...

So it seems inevitable that I will soon be out working full time, and my girls will be in a preschool. After fighting this off since they were nine months old, and after looking at various part time things that would keep us close, it appears that it is not to be.

I am just not doing well at getting my brain around this. Most of the time I feel like vomiting, I feel dizzy like I'm going to pass out, I have the shakes (no I'm not pregnant and I did not neglect to eat today ), right now as I type this my teeth are chattering (it's not cold) and I keep making typos so this is taking forever to type since I make more when I go back to fix them (I do not make typos generally).

I don't know who to talk to about this. DH is beyond max burnout at his highly stressful job and needs a break more than desperately, so he doesn't seem like a great choice as a confidante at this point in time.

My friends are either WOHMS who love it (one is my doctor, who I admire so much I named Alicia after her) or SAHMS who love it.

I just don't know how not to be horrified at the thought of being away from my girls, them being in a preschool, me doing who knows what to earn money and more importantly health insurance (this is really the kicker, it has to be a job with health insurance). I wake up every night and can't go back to sleep because I've got the bends from the agony.

I know this is whiny, and I feel so selfish to feel this way. Ugh. Help.
See less See more
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Take a deep breathe, I find that usually everything has a way of working out in the end. Sometimes taking huge scary leaps can be frightening but who knows what you will gain, yes you will miss your girls, its only natural, but I find myself much more patient with my daughter after being gone all day. I would try talking to your friends and make sure they don't pass judgement, what works for one doesn't work for everyone else.
hugs to you mama! i went back to work after a 13 mo. maternity leave. i know how you feel. i was SICK at the thought of leaving my 3 yo dd and 1 yo ds. however, through the Grace of God... when i actually did it, it wasn't as bad as i had imagined. yes, i miss them terribly, but i'm actually pretty numb to whole thing! (thank God!) i just view it as "this is what i do... i go to work, i come home, i'm finally with my kids!" (although i'm fortunate that my dh works nights so they don't have to go to daycare). but, from what i hear, kids actually love preschool. it's going to be ok, you'll see.
could dh be home with the girls?

mothering is all about instinct. what works for some doesn't for others.

in my case, an onsite daycare provides a nice balance, because I'm still very involved and can see my kid/s often throughout the day.

some offices and jobs even allow you to bring your kids.

sounds like you're not set on a profession, so you can work it around your family some, and allow yourself some kind of peace of mind.
I don't find your post offensive at all. Normal, yes. Offensive, no.

It seems that feeling conflicted and ambivalent as a parent is how it is for some, others sail through with little doubt or guilt. We are who we are.

I am a part time working mom who mostly works for the health benefits, in fact the real reason why I changed my status from per diem (as needed) in the ER was the health benefits. My husbands sucked and were double what it cost at the hospital. Now, changing and working 8 days a month up from 4 was not difficult for me, as I love what I do. I have zero conflict. I do not feel bad or guilty because we need benefits, we need dental, we need a retirement and we are paying cash for our oldest college (and the checks I am writing are mighty!).

When I went back to work after our youngest was born, I absolutely had had had to. We simply could not survive without my income. We came close to losing everything anyway.

You might find it easier once you are in the swing of things. You might not find it as awful as you are anticipating it to be right now. When I went off weekends and nights to a more "normal" shift/schedule at the hospital I worried terribly about my now 8 yr old, as he was so attached and couldn't be with anyone other than my husband or myself or his older siblings. Well, all my worrying and concern was silly because he loves going to karate after school 2 days a week (every other week) and hasn't had a bit of trouble.

We do what we have to do, and if going to work to bring in some extra cash and provide benefits is something you have to do, then do it. You are caring for them just as much if not more than when you were with them 24/7. Don't forget that.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
See less See more
I think the key for you might be to, hopefully, find a job doing something you truly enjoy. While I had a hard time returning to work after my first, I absolutley love my job and that made everything workable. When I came back after #2 it was easy frankly. Dh was at home and that made a huge difference but even so, the love of the job was so essential!

Another key will be finding a child care situation which truly makes you and your children happy. We've been with the same home day care for over 3 years now and both my kids absolutely love it. When dh went back to work last fall I was nervous that dd would have a tough adjustment. Not even a tiny bit! She so loves going there each day. Sometimes I think she likes it better there than at home!

Good luck and know that it will all work out.
See less See more
I felt/feel exactly the same way and i just cant do it. We live paycheck to paycheck and get calls every day from bill collectors but I CANNOT leave my ds(dd is in school) with anyone but me, dh or my mom. M mom is not capable of babysitting anymore and dh works nights so it is just not a option. We ended up fileing chapter 11 Bankruptsy when dd was just over a year old. I dont regret having to do that but I would regret it if i had put dd in day care.

I still have nightmares if dh even remotely mentions me going back to work and I have feelings of guilt because of the $ but it is just more important to me to be with my kids. I would rather live in a cave honestly than go back to work and put my kids in day care. i dont have any issues with parents that choose to do so. It is just I cant do that. I will make every sacrifice to be the one there with them.

I wanted to add that my kids have everything they need clothing and food, they may not get whatever they want and i certainly dont but it is worth it. So be it if some bills go unpaid for awhile. I picked what is most important to me and my kids.
See less See more
Man, life is scary. I am ready to go back to being a kid! I tell ya, this whole grown-up thing is not all it's cracked up to be, is it? But, I guess if we weren't grown-ups, we wouldn't get our amazing, wonderful, gorgeous kids, right? So it's all a compromise. Yuck. I HATE to compromise. I don't see why I can't have my cake and eat it, I right? Isn't that the whole point of the cake in the first place?

Anyway, the point is: life is hard. It will always be hard, and we have to hang on to the good times to get through EVERYTHING that scares us. And there is a lot to be scared of!

My advice:

First, talk to someone about all this! Your reactions to needing to work are quite extreme and indicate that you have some serious issues about it, which you should try to work out. Therapy is expensive, so if you can't afford it, find a friend who will give you license to talk this issue to DEATH! This needs to be someone who won't get exasperated and tell you to just get over it or whatever! This always works for me...when I have something going on that just isn't fun, I ruminate over it, talk about it incessantly, and just generally annoy those whom I have taken into confidence until I finally work through whatever it is that is bothering me.

Second, your kids may just love preschool. I am a working mama, and I had to go back to work TWO MONTHS after my son was born (and it would have been 6 weeks had I h ad a vaginal birth, so I guess that is the ONE good thing that came out of my c-section), so I was thrown back into work quite quickly. It was hard at first, and my husband and I practice split-shift parenting, so he would watch him while I worked. Now, DS is in daycare one day a week, and let me tell ya...he LOVES it!!! Seriously. He is just exhausted after daycare and he has a BLAST! Now, his daycare is in a private home and right now it is just the mom and her two kids, so he gets LOTS of attention. But, he has made me wish we could afford to put him in daycare two days a week! Try to focus on the positive aspects of preschool, and deal with negativity involving daycare when you get there. There's nothing you can do right now about this issue, so try to make it small!

Third, if you can find a job you love, that will make things easier! I don't particularly like my job that much, but I have to admit, I really like working. It uses up that excess mental energy, and I love having conversations that do NOT revolve around DS's BMs. I like having adult time, and it really makes me appreciate my time with DH and DS. There is definitely a part of me that wishes I could stay home with him, and I think most, if not all, working mamas feel that way. But I imagine many SAHMs have a small desire to work outside the home, too. You know, it's a greener grass kind of thing!

Fourth, perspective and patience! Yuck! Those words make me wish I were a kid! Since your kids are about to start preschool, you have probably had other issues involving your children. Or, maybe remember when you were pg with the first, and remember all the uncertainty and fear that came with it. Of course, we love our kids, and for most of us, that love, even before we meet them, outweighs any negatives. But still, you had a great relationship with DH that was about to change, money stuff, etc, etc! However, YOU GOT THROUGH IT!! And things got better! Everything changes, which is great and awful, but it means that this period of scary awfulness CANNOT last long! Take heart!

BTW, you didn't offend me! I hope this offers you some comfort and maybe a little help! I wish you all the luck in the world and I am certain you will make all the right choices!

See less See more
Awwww, y'all are so sweet! I can't tell you how much I appreciate these very warm and helpful responses! After I posted this I went to take a shower and - finally - just let myself cry about all this and somehow it released something in me. I think that my very extreme response (as noted above, he he) has so much to do with just trying hard not to allow myself to feel my own feelings. Duh.

I'm realizing that I have to take this on as a project for my and my girls' and DH's benefit - really look hard at the work and preschool options and choose the best. I'm fortunate to have options, I realize. I bow before the pp who went back to work 8 weeks after a c-section!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 1/2 years later I think I can probably manage, hehe.

I'm also glad to hear from the pp who decided it wasn't an option for you, and that staying home right now is the only way. It helps to know there is a full range of normal emotions and decisions about this.

After I wrote this and cried and so forth I came up with some ideas to get me unstuck in my job search so that I can find something that, as several of you mentioned, is something I love and will work with my need to see as much as possible of my girls.

Thanks again for the wonderful words of encouragement, perspective, and BTDT advice. I think the most powerful thing was just to get it all out there, and to hear that it cannot possibly be as bad as I'm imagining it will be, LOL! Bless you all.
See less See more
Well, it sounds like you're feeling a little more secure about this situation. I agree with the PP's. Find something you love. And remember, nothing is ever permanent...if this really doesn't work, you can always look for something else.


Originally Posted by AmyY
My friends are either WOHMS who love it (one is my doctor, who I admire so much I named Alicia after her) or SAHMS who love it.

Here's my theory....most women don't want to admit to themselves or anyone else that they're unhappy...even for a minute. These WOHMs & SAHMs have plenty of bad days, I promise. Most or my mommy friends are SAHMs, and I'm often jealous of them....but I'll be damned if I admit that I'm not 100% happy with my career!
See less See more
Just a practical question - why is your dh working some super stressful job that doesn't even have health insurance? Is there anything that could be done (change jobs?) that could fix that? It would be much easier for you to find a nonstressful/pt position if you didn't have to carry the health insurance...

(Not trying to be rude, just trying to understand the situation.)

Originally Posted by cielle
Just a practical question - why is your dh working some super stressful job that doesn't even have health insurance? Is there anything that could be done (change jobs?) that could fix that? It would be much easier for you to find a nonstressful/pt position if you didn't have to carry the health insurance...

(Not trying to be rude, just trying to understand the situation.)
No problem, not rude at all!
He does have health insurance, but if he quits or has to leave because of the stress, we're without. KWIM?

Thunder, more later!
See less See more
I completely understand. Dh left his job about three years ago because he was working way too many hours with ok benefits and was always so stressed he just couldn't deal with the kids. So we made the switch and my company had better benefits at the time. Dh works night doing medical transcriptioning and I work days. It is hard but it was what we had to do. I had to leave my dd at 6 weeks to go back to work. But dh has finally figured out what he wants to do and it will end up being better in the long run. He's going back to school to become a nurse for job flexibility and good benefits. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Two years and counting!
AmyY feel free to hang out in the Working Mamas forum as you work through this. It is hard! I think anyone who first goes back to work at whatever point (for me after my first of third was born) can't even imagine doing it, but there is lots of good advice to be had, much of which you've already heard on this thread. I'm glad you were able to express some of the very large feelings that come with this territory!
I think it's great that you are recognizing and willing to do something that will be hard for you emotionally to help your DH avoid total breakdown. I think sometimes people are so focused on the one way they think is right for the children that they forget an unhealthy parent is not so good for the kids either. Maybe you'll only have to work for a while until he finds something else, or maybe longer, but if you know it's necessary for the family unit as a whole to function better for you to help your DH in this way, than that is a good choice.
I'm working part time, and started when DD was 5 months. The good thing about working is that when you get to the office, there is so much going on to distract you once you get there. I think it's great you made it to 9 months with your kids, good for you!

My husband and I have agreed to have me work for 1 year and then reassess. Maybe you could do the same with your husband? It's easier to work when there's an end in sight.

Good luck!
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.