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Dh and I have one dd, 21 months. Conceiving her was a surprise when we first got married but dh had always said he wanted children... after dd was born we even said maybe 3 or 4 at least. I love being a mom, love everything about what I do and think I'm pretty darn good at it! We became pregnant again and lost the baby at 18 weeks and since then I've been re-thinking having any more children with dh.

He says he wants more children, just not now and can't say when he will. He doesn't seem to enjoy raising our dd and doesn't go out of his way to be involved or to bond with her during the few hours he spends at home with us. He critisizes and disagrees with a lot of my parenting tactics even though they seem to work just fine and dd is a well behaved, sweet, smart and curious child.

Dh doesn't seem to like me when I'm pregnant, is almost resentful of the fact that I require some extra support and attention when I'm pregnant, he doesn't get involved and I certainly can't imagine going through losing another baby with him, I grieved all alone.

If he weren't a factor I know I would be gung-ho about having all four of those babies I've dreamed of but when I picture having 4 kiddos with him it sounds like a nightmare.

Dh really is a good guy. He doesn't seem like a great dad lately, but he isn't a bad dad either... just not a passionate dad. He works hard to support us and says he loves us, he's just not always great about showing it.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone here has thought about having fewer children because of the aspect of parenting together or how it would negatively affect your relationship and his relationship with your first child. I never wanted to have just one child but I'm wondering it would be crazy to have more...

Sorry so long... just saying things outloud for the first time is a relief...
 

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My partner has many many great qualities, i'm going to marry him and i love him very much.

that said, if *I* wanted many kids (i don't), i don't think i'd stay with him to make them. he's a wonderful dad, but sharing parenting with him changes the way i parent, in ways that i don't often like. he's not a bad dad(quite the opposite), i'm just a control freak. he's a great balance in many ways, but i also have a lot of respect for single-by-choice mamas who do it all their way, all the time.

also, if i were going to find a 'husband' on purpose, i would be having the 'kids' talk ASAP. not going to spend my time trying to convince some dude to do things my way. we either agree or don't. the 'don't' part can easily become a lifetime of guilt, nagging, and resentment, to which i say 'no thanks!'

FWIW, i was raised by a mother who to this day tries to create a relationship between me and my dad that doesn't exist. not saying that this is YOUR situation, OP, not at all. but it does suck, suck, suck, and i wish she would just let go and let us all acknowledge that my dad is a bum. what a sigh of relief that would be!

about the pregnancy resentment thing...what's up with that?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by moodyred01 View Post
I guess I'm wondering if anyone here has thought about having fewer children because of the aspect of parenting together or how it would negatively affect your relationship and his relationship with your first child. I never wanted to have just one child but I'm wondering it would be crazy to have more...

Sorry so long... just saying things outloud for the first time is a relief...
I'm glad it was a relief.
s

For me, it is kind of a factor. My DH is a great dad and since I went back to work full time he has totally stepped up to the plate in picking up our son and stuff.

BUT he is also a workaholic in a very demanding field (that he enjoys) and it is very, very hard for him to balance family time and work time. He has been making great strides in that area but I don't think he will ever work a solely 50 hr a week job. He doesn't make enough for us to go totally completely without some additional income despite the hours, but I thought we could have several children and I would just stay home except for a bit of freelance work.

Except I found that a) it didn't work that way easily in our family... watching him work all weekend while our son was tugging at him proved to be really emotionally trying on a lot of levels. I keep trying to think of it like being a single parent, but it's really not the same. And b) while I'm perfectly content with a 35 or 40 hr workweek, I missed my career too.

So we are rethinking things.

I don't know if that helps but I wanted to share that you're not alone. I don't really have any advice for you, except that if it were me I might wait (not TTC) and see what comes.
 

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I have 1 child (12 yrs old) by a previous marriage and DH and I have 1 together and are expecting our second very soon. The first pregnancy was great, but this second one... ugh... I've had to basically go on as normal while gaining weight and aches and pains and all the other fun stuff. It has NOT been pleasant at all.
I'm glad DH isnt going to push for another child after this, but even if he was going to, I wouldn't agree to it. My DH is great with DD when he's focused on her, and is a great dad. He just has too many things going on and I've often ended up parenting while he plays on the internet all night long, or being left with a weeks worth of dirty dishes because if I was too sick to clean them, he wouldn't do it either. He doesnt mean to be this way. Its just how he is, and I cant handle the idea of raising 4 kids without more support.

I will say though that this past week he has REALLY stepped up to the plate in a night and day kind of way. I think he has finally started to realize exactly how hard I'm having it, w/ the pregnancy and 2 yr old and homeschooling my often difficult to not strangle
12 yr old.
 

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is this something that is somewhat temporary?

it should be noted that for many men, it is very scary becoming a sole or lead breadwinner and having to be respondible for two or more other people. it is hard to work through this, and most men aren't even allowed (perosnally, culturally) to express this anxiety with each other or to their partners and families.

beyond this, many men do not know what to do with small children, particularly small girl children. they don't know how to relate. most of us girls were raised raising kids (babysitting, etc), whereas boys didn't do this. my husband, for example, has little to no experience with very little kids. he likes them and finds them interesting, but he never asks to hold them or touch them and rarely talks to them unless their parents are present and part of the conversation. This is because of the way people view men-without-babies and babies. So, when do they really have time to gain the skills that we ladies get? so, that might be something that is solved when she is older.

beyond this, you mention that he works hard. could it be that he's working so hard that he's exhausted and maybe even depressed? could it be that he doesn't have tha tmuch energy left to give because of work?

i think that this may be something where he just needs more uspport and a method and timeline by which to become more balanced and happy.

and then you can decide about other kids. don't make the decision now--see if he's depressed or over-stressed, figure otu a way, as a team, to support him so that he can come into balance, and then see if you want more hcildren or not.
 

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Quote:
I guess I'm wondering if anyone here has thought about having fewer children because of the aspect of parenting together or how it would negatively affect your relationship and his relationship with your first child.
Kind of. Originally we wanted 3-4 kids. After having my first I was very hesitant to have another because of how it might affect him. We did eventually have another and I don't regret it at all. My boys have an amazing relationship and I think dh and I do very well with two.

However, we've almost totally decided that we are done.
 

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My DH wanted children. Talked me into it in fact. But after a very stressful birth (that really traumatized him, I was somewhat drugged) and actually finding out the amount of work a child involves, he was NOT into having another kid. I think he said that he suddenly realized "holy $*%$, I'm responsible for feeding and caring for this person for 18 years", it wasn't really real until ds1 was born.

We have 2 now tho. I agree with PP to ask him if he feels overwhelmed at all, really listen and take it from there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks everyone, it helps so much just to hear your perspectives and have your support. I suppose it's early yet to be thinking these things but having more children has been at the top of my 'dreams' list since dd and dh had always said we'd have another a few years after dd. I doubt he would ever bring it up or ask for another right now and I am feeling less and less that my 'dream' would make for a good reality.

Yes, dh is overworked. We are both students and he is working full time. We're both stressed but that is why his lack of attention towards dd makes me sad. I am tired and overworked and stressed too but I can't imagine ignoring her when I come home or not missing her on a day I don't see her. I can't imagine leaving her with him for 5 days and not looking back or being concerned how stressful those 5 days might be. He's been gone for various reasons lately and doesn't seem to think I might be tired or need a little support when he comes home, even though I have tests and studying and other things crushing me as well.

I believe he is likely depressed, unfortunately I think he's been depressed since we got married and although we go to regular counseling this isn't something he's been able to help. This is probably the biggest reason I think of not having more children. If he will always feel dissatisfied and sad about our lives I don't think it is wise to bring another child into this.

Waiting to decide is a good idea. I just like to calmly consider and accept ahead of time that we won't ttc in May as planned so it will be somehow less traumatic.

Thank you all, I'm open to any suggestions or ideas at all!

Thanks for your support wise mamas.
 

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I guess I'm wondering if anyone here has thought about having fewer children because of the aspect of parenting together or how it would negatively affect your relationship and his relationship with your first child.

I think it's important to always consider the strengths and weaknesses of one's partner and your kids' relationship when planning a family. You are wise, mama.
 

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We definetely want more, we had planned on it this year, and I *thought* I was pregnant. He didn't tell me how incredibly stressed he was until after I got my period. Turns out he was having a freak out. We're postponing until next year, but it's for both of us.

My DH could be an incredible brat while I was pregnant the 1st time. Mostly he was good, sometimes great, but sometimes he was resentful towards me for "needing" more.

That said, we were coming out of some horrific relationship problems, and we both had to work really hard to let them go.

I would NEVER have kids with someone who wasn't gonna commit to them, in the sense of me seeing them be the kind of parent I need to co-parent with.
It makes for some bad mistakes. My Step-dad didn't like us. My Mom thought he would learn. 20 years went by and guess what? He still doesn't like us. (You might agrue that he loves us, but liking someone is different)

However, I'm not sure you're in that boat. It sounds like your DH needs some relaxation. Have you thought of encouraging him to take some of his free time and go out? My DH goes to school, and between school, studying and family time, he has no "me" time. When I tell him jut to go play music with his pals, or hang out, he comes back a much better husband and father. It's hard for me because I want him to be around in his free time, but as a result, he's offered to watch the baby while *I* go out.
Something he has never done before that I am EXSTATIC about. It's been 2 years since I got to go out.......

Good Luck, remember to be loving and kind to your DH, life is a lot for him to handle, too.

-Crystal
 

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moody:

while you both are tired and stressed (overworked), he also has that added burden of depression. that is why he is withdrawn. it's not personal against you or your daughter. it's a biochemical/emotional thing that he is 'stuck' in right now.

it may be appropriate to bring up the idea of medication or changing his medication while in councelling. it might also be important to talk about ways of managing stress so that you can have a better family life. and, i think it's also important to remind yourself (selves) that this is temporary.

you won't be in school and working forever. he won't be in school and working forever. and true, your daughter won't be young forever. and if he finds the right treatment combinations, your husband may not be depressed forever.

no need to make a decision now, but i agree that right now isn't the best time to bring in another child. it may be different when you (both) are finished with school, when his treatment for depression is working (if it isn't working, mention this to the councellor!), and when you both have more time for yourselves (individually) and each other (whole family).
 

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also, while education is very important, i often feel that if going to school and working is too much, it might be better if people split the difference. one works while the other is in school, and then they 'switch' when one graduates and gets a job in that field.

this can decrease that amount of stress/work that the person is under. while it may increase debt (school loans), families are usually eiligable for more assistance (scholarships, grants, work-study). and, the schooling might be finished more quickly this way. if he could go to school full time, would he be done in a year? maybe less? you could take a year off and just work, and then once he graduates, you can go back and finish yours (going full time).

anyway, it's another option.
 

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Our situation is like so... DP wants another child, but he wanted to have our kids back-to-back, so they would be "best friends". I am not down with that. It's not that I want to wait 5 yrs, but I want to wait until ds is at least 1 1/2 to get pg. DP is now saying things like "time for my vasectomy!" apparently trying to get me to change my mind. Well, I won't--it's not fair to ds to give up on being the baby til he's at least almost 3. And it's *my* womb, not his, so I get to make the decisions imho.

The comment you made about grieving alone really stuck with me...You said your dh is depressed? Well I am sure that may have had something to do with him not being able to show his feelings about your m/c. I doubt he is as heartless as all that not to be sad about losing a child. Maybe he wanted to act like he was strong and not show his feelings about it. Some men are afraid to show deep emotions...I've never even seen my dp *cry*.

yeah that to what zoebird said.
 

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I've come to a similar conclusion lately. DH and I always planned on having 4-5 kids, but after having two, he says he's not ready now to have more. He says he finds our two kids overwhelming, which I don't really understand since he works till 6pm and we put the kids to bed at 8pm - what's so overwhelming about two hours a night for him?
He says maybe someday he'll be ready for more, but since I'm the one that stays home I don't think that will happen. I don't want to re-enter the workforce and then get pulled out again after a couple years for another 4-5 year hiatus. DH is a great guy, but a total introvert and not much of an initiator, so parenting falls squarely on my shoulders. So, I'm about 90% sure I'm done having kids - because I'm with him. If I was with someone who was more supportive and not so easily overwhelmed by kids then I'd have at least two more children, starting right now!
 

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OP, I know exactly what you are saying. I have been wavering between having another baby...or more...b/c DH is just like you said. I don't know what to do and don't know if I even want to stay married sometimes. He's a good guy too but I may as well be a single parent....and all he does is criticize and complain. Now he ignores me and the only things he ever says that resemble a convesation are "what should we have for dinner" and "let's do it. Come on, it'll only take a few minutes." Shoot me! Right now if you asked me to have another one I would tell you absolutely not. I think perhaps this will change, but we'll have to see if DH and I make it to that point or if I opt for adoption or sperm donations.
 

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my dh wants one more child and i do not. not with him anyway.he is a crappy father and does nothing with our son(oldest is with another man). why would i would to put more work upon myself and more heartache for another child. i would love to have another child but nope, not with dh.
 

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A previous post touched on this before, but I am picking up that he might be really freaked out about losing the baby at 18 weeks.
mama--
He might be so stressed that he can't really process it.

My dh was working full-time and going to school full-time. It was too much for him. He did this for 1.5 years and then just quit his job. There was some uncool management stuff going on, he was completely stressed, and had no time. Since he quit, he has been much, much better. He does more stuff with the boys, and around the house. He graduates in December--and then I'll go back to school when he gets a full-time job again.

How much longer do you both have in school? Perhaps when he graduates you can talk with him more--he'll be more present.
 

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Quote:
He says he finds our two kids overwhelming, which I don't really understand since he works till 6pm and we put the kids to bed at 8pm - what's so overwhelming about two hours a night for him?
Just musing here, but you know, I think it's because it's only 2 hours a night that it feels overwhelming to him! At least, that seems to be the case w/my dh....besides being a pastor (which is a more than full-time job!), he also works for the public school system....his secular job used to take up quite a lot of time (not home some nights until after six, then dealing with church stuff often until nearly bedtime, and trying to fit himself--and us--into the cracks some how!), but thankfully, the position changed and now he is home earlier, on a consistent basis! And I am learning to put much more of the kid stuff onto his shoulders.....and he is really growing in marvelous ways as a father! He spent most of the summer (since his job was only PT in the summer months) with the older two, doing sort of pre-homeschool stuff with them. And he was amazing to watch.....he's so much better at it than I am!

And now I've started leaving occasionally for the evening, taking some "me" time (which of course will come to a screeching halt in Dec. when the baby arrives, but it's nice for now!!
) and he does dinner, baths, bedtimes, the whole thing. And somehow has the house and kitchen clean when I get home! Of course, I reward him generously!
(how could I not get turned on when I come home to a clean house and clean, sleeping kids??)

It just seems that the more time he spends with them, in charge, DOING the parenting (rather than watching me do it) the better he gets at it, the more interested he is in doing it, the more joy he finds in it. The more confident he is.....and of course the kids respond to that in him, and adore him that much the more, which only further kindles his eagerness to spend the time with them.

It is really joyous to watch. Maybe even makes me a teeny bit jealous!
But I don't have a clue how to begin that process....I couldn't even say how it came about for us, yk? It just started evolving as his work load shifted, and I'm so thankful for it!
 

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I had my tubes tied before Dh and I were together and when my two kids were 2 and 4 ish, so it's not a real question for me. However, I would not currently have a child with my husband. We have changed a lot over the years, and I think it would make parenting a new baby together very very difficult. The kids we have now are older and it's not as big of a problem.
 
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