[whatta_mama]

Well... here they are again, in town in a motel a few blocks away from me, with no direct notice to me and only vague details from dd's father about their arrival prior to them coming. *sigh* At least it is not x-mas eve like last year with one day notice.

Apparently I am to go to some company picnic @ a private residence that (try to follow this) dd's father's brother USED to work for so dd's paternal g-parents can see her while they are here.

:

Can I just say that I am not a crowd person, especially when it is an event where I KNOW absolutely NO One and have no common link to like say.. we all have babies,a common interest or all are celebrating the same person.. what ever. I am not a last minute kind of person either, I like to plan, I have to, I work full time , I am tired and my weekends are SACRED TO ME! I just cannot stand when people make plans for me. I barley know these people, and have met them exactly twice... in my hospital bed the day after I gave birth and last x-mas. I did not marry into their family and it is just all around awkward for me. DD does not know them either, and will not want to be all smothered with concentrated "IseeYouTwiceInAlmost3yrsAttention" in an atmosphere with an entire event full of strangers . I do however feel a moral obligation and it is just ... well... I don't know... is awkward. I don't mean to sound cold or heartless, I mean after all they are her grandparents and obviously would like to see her, I do not begrudge that, but why cant we go to the park, just with dd or something more low key? Why does it have to be at this big ol event so they can show off their grand Daughter that they don't even really know... why wouldn't they want more one on one time with her??? Personally I just don't get it.

Please do not quote this.. dd's father knows I come here and I will probably delete it later even though he knows how I feel, I wouldn't want him to feel bad that I announced it... kwim? I just needed to commiserate I guess with others that might know how I am feeling.

Any tips on how I can get through this?
~Peace

 

[Tilia]

Wow, momma, that sounds really rough. I am the same way that you are with crowds, especially when I don't know anyone.

I don't get it either. If I were them I would prefer a park or mall or something.

So DD is almost three? At least you can focus on her. I would feel worse alone. I would just concentrate on her and just leave a couple hours in.

Hope everything goes ok.

 

[momof4peppers]

Can you just say no? We have other plans.

My in-laws have absolutely NO respect for boundaries. They just emailed and announced they'd booked plane tickets. I'm so fed up with it that I just responded and said that it wasn't going to work.

They're in town. If they want to see their granddaughter, they can call you to make arrangements that work with YOUR schedule. Afterall, they're grownups too.

 

[Naless]

Did they make these arrangements with you or thur your ex? Can you just tell them that you are not comfortable going to the picnic but more than willing to meet them at a park or someplace else? That seems fair to everyone to me.

BTW You are the first person other than myself that I have heard use the not-in-law term.

 

[Iris' Mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Naless Did they make these arrangements with you or thur your ex? Can you just tell them that you are not comfortable going to the picnic but more than willing to meet them at a park or someplace else? That seems fair to everyone to me.

:

 

[Rainbow2911]

I wouldn't feel any moral obligation to go. If you weren't consulted and it was just arranged for you at the last minute - well that is down- right rude. I would personally offer an alternative arrangement (and be very tempted to leave it to right at the last minute...

) like a meeting in the park where your DD will be more comfortable. I know my 3 year old DD would not enjoy meeting her dads parents (who she has met once when she was a baby) at a party full of strangers. I don't think she would have a thing to do with them under circumstances like that! But if we met in the park where she could run around and play and get to know them on her own terms she would probably have them pushing her on the swings in 10 minutes flat.

If you have to go then I would say when you get there 'as this was such a last minute arrangement I can only spare a short time' then you can bail when you get too uncomfortable!
Hope that it isn't too awkward and your DD enjoys herself

 

[whatta_mama]

Oh mamas, It felt great to see your responses and know that I wasn't completely awful for felling awkward about this and that I could set some boundaries. I really was trying to be accommodating and was going to go to the picnic to keep peace, even though I had no clue what time it was supposed to be at.

The day started out great, a good nights sleep and dd playful, happy & loving in bed this morning. A nice breakfast & slow cup of coffee. Then about 11:20am it all went down hill from there when I retrieved a 2 voice mails that dd's father left the day before & about 20 minutes earlier. I was personally insulted, he insinuated and made huge assumptions, then proceeded to lay on the guilt. The reason I missed the calls when they came in was he called the cell phone in my purse that I never use at home & it is set on silent because last I used it was at work & have to set it that way- I cannot hear it and he NEVER EVER CALLS ME ON IT unless I am late getting home from work while he is watching dd. He didn't even bother calling my home# (?

After the voice mail, he hooked me... I called him back and was only able to keep even tempered for about one sentence. When I asked why he didn't call my home# , He says I told him it wasn't working (?

That I told him to call me on my cell (again ?

He is referring to 2 weeks ago when my cordless lost it charge and I told him to call me back on my cell. He has called my home# EVERY MORNING for the past 2 weeks when he arrives to watch dd, so I can let him in.

: HELLO!>?!?!?!? IT WORKS... I swear he tries to set me up to look like the bad guy every time his parents come. There is so much more, like this past Friday night when I was notified they were around the corner checked into a motel the second I walked in the door from work... dd was asleep.. he said they wanted to go to dinner... I declined and said I could meet them downtown afterward, when dd woke, I nursed her, etc and we could stroll around, shop, get ice cream, whatever... his mother happens to call his cell while he is still at my place and he tells her that I am "not going to dinner, that I had business to take care of downtown"... I am standing right there and saying OUT LOUD, THAT IS NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU TO TELL THEM!

BTW: I told on him today when I saw his mother after she acted disappointed that I wasn't going to the picnic & they didn't see dd much at the park...

I said, "well I wanted to meet you all downtown Friday after you had dinner.. dd was asleep when I got home and I didn't want to wake her when you were going, she would have been too cranky to sit through dinner "

she said," Oh? that's not what he told us.. "

and I said "I know that's not what he told you , I was standing right there when he told you *quoted his exact words* and I was going crazy that he always does that to me" I think she was taken aback that her son would do this. But the discussion ended there. I have no idea if she would believe me, which is why I quoted him.

Today just sucked the life out of me. So much so that I do not even have the energy to tell the story of how the day played out. It was one disastrous detail after the next. And after the day dd's father put me though, tomorrow morning I get the lovely pleasure of letting him into my home to love on dd while I am commuting and working all week.

I need to transcribe that voice mail to share with you all and keep it with the 3 1/2 page letter he wrote me 4 days after I gave birth threatening to take my baby away from me. Yeah... and his parents wonder why we have such an unconventional relationship.

 

[Tilia]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this stress. It sounds like you are the only one putting DD's needs first. You can't just run out of the house whenever someone calls!

 

[whatta_mama]

Well, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him in my house today after yesterday.
I was up all night with anxiety and thoughts of the details of everything that happened. After our argument over the phone yesterday he called back MANY times... and we discussed(& argued some more about a meeting time) doing the park thing instead... I told him dd had gotten up @ 5am and was napping now, but when she got up and was bathed, I would call and then meet at the park. He was all "well she has been asleep for what 2-3 hours now?" Actually it had been 50 minutes, get your facts straight. He says well if I have to make 70 calls to keep everyone happy, then I guess I have to." I told him "well that is the position you put your self in to be the liaison between everybody, and if you don't want to do it then give your mother my phone#. (Last year I begged for their address so I could send a x-mas card and he put me off and I never got to send it) About 35 minutes later he called from Target down the street and asks if I need anything(?- yeah that never happens) I figure he just got here on the train (he lives 15 miles away) and was killing time before we were ready to meet, then would hook up with his parents and visit until dd woke up.. next thing I know my phone rings again and he says, "I'm here"
"what do you mean you are here?" I say... HE WAS AT MY FRONT DOOR AND I WAS NOT DRESSED and busy preparing dd's snack for the park, and eating my own lunch, etc while she was napping . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I let him in and said "SEE SHE IS ASLEEP.. ok do you believe me now, I am not keeping her from your parents! I told you I would call you when she woke up and I got her ready!! I am busy now doing 3 things at once and I would like you to leave.. again I will CALL YOU when we are ready to go" Had he not left me that voice mail earlier in the day, I would have let him hang out...I always put my dd 1st when it comes to him, which is why he cares for her while I work, but I was so upset with his actions and his not respecting my boundaries that I just didn't want him here.

I finished what I was doing, got dd's bath drawn , clothes ready, lunch, everything together before I forced her awake(which I NEVER DO) so we could get going... Of course there is a fit when the bath ends because she want to play...

Poor kid has no idea what is going on.

I was going to drive to the hotel and have them follow me to the park, but dd's father was sitting on my front porch when I opened my front door to leave and his father was wondering my property and talking to my landlord that happened to be here checking on something. I was creeped out in a BIG BIG WAY and felt like I was being stalked in my own home. I have NO IDEA how long they were out there... DD's father tries to take her from me, and I say, "I have it covered you don't know how to put her in the car seat" (although I have tried to show him he never paid any attention on how to do it...)

Meanwhile at the park... his father keeps saying under his breath
"this isn't right, this isn't right" .. I have no clue what he is referring to exactly, but I can guess pretty accurately that he meant things *seemed off*.. probably because his SON doesn't give them the entire story from an unbiased perspective, has a tendency to exaggerate and misquote others. (last x-mas I had to actually say to him, Your parents DO know that you don't live here right? That we are not this happy couple, right? because the feeling I got was that he hadn't been totally truthful with them)

In the past when dd was an infant, his parents made a comment like ( and he told me- and probably wishes he didn't) "she isn't going to run away with the baby and not let you/us see her is she" Where they got that idea is beyond me... Yeah, I am going to leave my home town, my parents, my adult child and my job of 20 yrs and go into hiding so you all cannot see my dd... did he say something to them that would make them see me that way? Or is it something they would resort too? I don't know - but it was an odd statement to me & I have never forgotten it.

So with all of this, I couldn't sleep last night... this morning my mama instincts told me not to let him have dd for the day with his parents around the corner still (no idea when they are leaving or time of their flight, etc) I just couldn't get that feeling of them lurking on my property yesterday out of my GUT and the "this isn't right " comment out of my mind.

I called work this morning and took my last available vacation day that I was saving for x-mas time. I decided better to trust my mama instinct today than to have that day off in December. I probably would have had a nervous breakdown wondering what was going on all day if I had gone in.

How do you all handle that mama instinct? Do you always listen to it? I felt it so strongly all night and this morning, I just couldn't not respond... am I just being paranoid or smart? I have no idea

Normally on a day to day basis I trust him with dd, but he is like some other person when his parents are around.

 

[Naless]

so sorry that you are going thru this, but have you tried talking to the not-in-laws directly. Stop going thru your DC father since it is apparent that he does not always tell the truth. They only have his version of you which is skewed at best. Get to know them and let them get to know you for your DC sake. This may make things easier for you. Hope this helps

 

[vloky]

No way would I go. If they actually wanted to see your dd they would plan things out with YOU ahead of time and a plan you were comfortable with and that dd would be comfortable with.

 

[lilyka]

not right? NOT RIGHT? that whole company picnic thing was not right. WHat a totally weird situation. You were far more generous than I would have been.

I think it would be a good time to call up grandparents, get to know them outside of of their sons influence, let them know how much you want them to be a part of dds life and set the record streight. I am guessing they have no clue about anything. it sounds like their son tells them all sorts of crazy crap. I mean if he can't be honest about dd sleeping what the heck else is he (not) telling them?