[limabean]

DS has always been very easy-going, happy-go-lucky, etc., and is just starting to develop his defiant streak (he's 21 months). Yesterday as I got him out of the bath, he hit me in the face a couple of times as I was drying him off. I said, "Hitting hurts. Gentle touches" and he touched my face gently, then hit me again. I brought him to his changing table and he started kicking me in the belly. I said, "Kicking hurts. No kicking Mommy" and he just smiled and kicked again.

I finished putting his diaper on, put him on the floor, and said, "I don't like being around people who hit and kick me" and walked out of the room and closed the door. He started crying hysterically -- I've never left him in a room by himself before without leaving the door open. I felt absolutely horrible, went right back in, and he was fine and we played for a while. He kept coming over to give me hugs (he's not normally very snuggly), which made me feel guilty, like he was trying to reconnect because he felt abandoned earlier.

Thinking back, I think I should have still said what I said, but then sat in the rocking chair in his room, or left the room but left the door open so that he could come after me if he wanted to. It's just so hard to fully think things through in the moment, and to come up with a reasonable solution when I'm frustrated and caught off guard! I know he's just testing his limits and doesn't have mean intentions or anything, so from that perspective it doesn't really bother me, but in the moment it's hard not to be a little upset when someone hits you regardless of the reason, you know? So, how do you guys handle this whole hitting thing?

 

[jaye_p]

Ds has done similar things with me, and I have responded by holding his hands away from me or taking him off my lap (i.e. if he smacks or kicks me while nursing). Typically he then screams & cries. I try to wait out his tantrum, then ask him in a calm voice if he's done crying, and if he wants to be held/nurse/sit in my lap and read a book again. When he says yes, I ask if he is going to hit or kick me. If he says yes, I tell him that I can't hold him. Then I ask him again if he is going to hit or kick me. Usually he will say no. Then I hold him again, and usually he will not hit or kick me. But mine does the same thing your dc does - I tell him he's hurting me and he laughs - my assumption is that he is not yet capable of empathy, and so doesn't really understand what "hurting Mommy" means.

 

[Roar]

I think you are being way, way, way too hard on yourself.

In my opinion you handled it fine. You don't want to be around people who are hitting you. Who does? It is fine to walk away from that and get physical distance and frankly far more admirable than hitting him back. You kept calm and he isn't damaged by this really. I think you need to get a little confidence in the bond you've built together to realize it can withstand a short break when both parties clearly need it.

 

[limabean]

Thanks for your replies. Roar, I hear what you're saying. When it happened, I really thought I was doing the right thing (and I still do for the most part), but when I heard the fear in his voice when he was alone in his room, I realized that it wasn't quite right. I think my reactions right up until I shut the door were fine; I just didn't like hearing him sound so scared about being left alone.

 

[abac]

From your post, I gather that his hitting and kicking was not malicious (how DO you spell that?) but done more in a fun way. Ds has done this with me a few times. He might kick me while I'm changing his diaper and smile and say,"I kicked Mummy." I usually just smile back and say, in a very light tone, "Oh, please don't kick Mummy. That hurts me. If you want to kick something, kick this ball." I then hand him a ball and ENGAGE him in play with the ball. (I've done the same thing for throwing toys.)

I find it very easy to avoid being hurt by him kicking or hitting me, unless he catches me off guard, and really if it doesn't hurt and he's not doing it out of anger, it's not a big deal. I find most of the time when ds does stuff like this, he's trying to engage me in play and really doesn't know that it's an inappropriate way to do so.

And I try to remember that I don't need to teach him that it's inappropriate. He will realize that as he grows and learns. I always try to focus on helping him learn what he CAN do, and try as much as possible to avoid telling him what he can't do. When I do tell him that he can't do something, I try to say it in a very matter-of-fact, light way, so it comes across not as admonishing him, but like I'm giving him information.

All that being said, don't be hard on yourself. We all do things we regret. Heck, I slammed ds's door so hard I broke a piece of the jam (not one of my better moments.) Resolve to do better next time and forgive yourself.

HTH.