[Jilian]

I'm having a very sad Halloween. At 6:30 I had to drop DS at STBX's house. He has DS Monday nights and we hadn't worked out a Halloween split so he got to have DS tonight. I'm REALLY sad. I got to take DS to my moms in his little costume then had to drop him off. STBX's new girlfriend is in town for a visit so they're all going trick-or-treating together. I'm so heartbroken that this girl gets to play mommy to my DS on Halloween. Then STBX called to tell me not to pick DS up at 7 am like usual, but come at 8 am, because new GF is dropping STBX off at work then stopping at Wal-Mart (with MY baby)

There is so much more to the story but I didn't want to do a super-long post. DS is 2.5 yrs, I've been seperated for 1.5 yrs, new GF has met my DS three times so far, she's from out of state. STBX is using her as his new baby-sitter (and shes young enough to be one). I could go on and on and on....

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian I'm having a very sad Halloween. At 6:30 I had to drop DS at STBX's house. He has DS Monday nights and we hadn't worked out a Halloween split so he got to have DS tonight. I'm REALLY sad. I got to take DS to my moms in his little costume then had to drop him off. STBX's new girlfriend is in town for a visit so they're all going trick-or-treating together. I'm so heartbroken that this girl gets to play mommy to my DS on Halloween. Then STBX called to tell me not to pick DS up at 7 am like usual, but come at 8 am, because new GF is dropping STBX off at work then stopping at Wal-Mart (with MY baby) The thought of having to deal with someone playing mommy to my baby rips my heart out. Part of me just wants to fight for full custody, but I know that's not fair to DS. I don't know what to do anymore *sigh* There is so much more to the story but I didn't want to do a super-long post. DS is 2.5 yrs, I've been seperated for 1.5 yrs, new GF has met my DS three times so far, she's from out of state. STBX is using her as his new baby-sitter (and shes young enough to be one). I could go on and on and on....

I am sorry for your troubles. I personally think it is awful, first of all for him to expose your son to some other woman when you are not even divorced yet. In my opinion, one should wait and see if the relationship is serious before introducing the children to the person. Some kids have so many people in and out of their lives that it cannot be good for them.

 

[Jilian]

Yeah, that worries me. My STBX met her twice (and only knew her for 4 weeks) before he announced that she will be moving in.

I don't mind him dating before we're divorced, we should have been divorced a year and a half ago but we moved across country, etc and had to fulfill a 6 mo residency before even applying in our new state, yadda yadda.

I'm really concerned that this may not be a stable environment for my DS.

I need a VERY HONEST opinion here. I can give more info if needed.

 

[kirei]

Of course you would feel threatened by another woman mothering your baby!!! This is something I have been thinking about recently... the idea that if ex-db has another serious girlfriend / wife down the road.... that she'll start mothering my baby. That makes me so MAD!!!!!

:

The thing is... if -I- have a new boyfriend / husband eventually... won't the same thing be going on? Wouldn't I want new DB or DH to eventually [if the relationship is truly serious] take part in parenting my dd [not that ex-db would lose his place as "her father"]? Yeah, I probably would. But I would be LIVID if it went the other way around, which totally isn't fair.

 

[Jane]

I'm really angry for you - I would be drinking a glass of wine if I were you, but that's my coping mechanism for anger that I cant do anything about. I don't recommend it, obviously. Some of it's personal for me, too, I've seen someone sweep in on birthdays and christmas and play like she does all the work. I get vomitting at 2 am and she gets pictures with the easter bunny???? Not fair.

However, I don't think I've heard anything that would be bad for your son. Yeah, his dad's life sounds like there's gonna be a trainwreck soon, but he is providing good care. Not personally, but he's still "providing" it. I know he might be trying to impress her with his fathering skills, but he's still acting appropriately towards his son, even if his relationship to the gf is odd.

Can you separate out and think about, "Would this person be a good babysitter?" She certainly sounds affectionate and your son tolerates her. Those are usually a good sign.

 

[the sunshine]

Isn't it technically against the agreement for your ex to give her the child after he goes to work? If your time starts at 7, you get the child at 7. period.

I'm sorry, i know the feeling of another woman caring for your child in that sort of situation. your stbx sounds like a jerk.

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by the sunshine Isn't it technically against the agreement for your ex to give her the child after he goes to work? If your time starts at 7, you get the child at 7. period.

We don't have a written court agreement yet. We only have an agreement we wrote up ourselves, not signed.

 

[Dragonfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian We don't have a written court agreement yet. We only have an agreement we wrote up ourselves, not signed.

That's good.

At least you're learning what's important to you before you put ink to paper and sign on the dotted line.

One of the things that ex and I did was go through the holidays and discover which ones we would share with ds together (may or may not be an option for you depending upon how well you get along) and which ones we would alternate.

About the girlfriend thing: I SO hear you. We put provisions in our agreement that ds was never to be in the care of someone else unless the other parent first refused the opportunity to spend time with him (right of first refusal). We also spent hours (and I do mean hours) discussing introduction of boyfriends/girlfriends, appropriate behavior, etc. A lot of this was just laying out on the table what behavior by the other would chafe our rears. In reality, we don't have any control over those things unless there is clear neglect or abuse going on. It really helps to be heard, though. I know it's cold comfort, but at least you can feel good that this woman is being good to your child. Loving kindness is never a bad thing for a child, no matter who it comes from. And you will always be mama.

I'm sorry it's been a rough night for you.

 

[Katt2005]

About the girlfriend thing,To me, its better that he is loved and cared for by his gf, then hated and not wanted around. Thats the way I had to think about it. Would I rather her not like my kid and be annoyed constantly and not pay any attention to her, an hurt my daughters feelings, or love her, and care for her, and make my daughter feel comfortable when she is in her daddies home. I personally wouldn't want my daughter hated by anyone.

 

[crunchyconmomma]

i'm so sorry you have to go through this, mama. my best wishes are with you.

and i don't know anyone involved, but all things happen for a reason and all points converge where they do for some reason, so hopefully you can find the positive reasons why the points to which you are connected (DS and STBX and girlfriend) converge here and now. i hope that she is actually a good person if she is spending time with your most precious baby!

 

[Katt2005]

And another thing I was going to add is, maybe you could meet her, ya know, for yourself. So you could see who will be spending time with you child. Sometimes it helps. I wish you the best, it can be hard sometimes.

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katt2005 And another thing I was going to add is, maybe you could meet her, ya know, for yourself. So you could see who will be spending time with you child. Sometimes it helps. I wish you the best, it can be hard sometimes.

I tried suggesting that to STBX the first time she came down to visit. He worked all week and just left her at the house alone, I offered to go over and introduce myself and maybe take her to the beach or something. He told me that she is a very jealous person and that would make her feel really uncomfortable.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

Your post did sound a lot like jealousy to me. Could you perhaps quit thinking of her as "mothering" your child and just think of her as another adult that can love your child, possibly be a positive influence in your child's life, a role model or guide? I agree with others who say it is actually "great" that the girlfriend actually wants to spend time with your child and it nice towards them.

We want our children to have these people in their lives as they grow up. None of us can be everything to one person...not as a wife, not as a friend, not as a parent. We hope that our children will find many positive people to look up to, to share their ideas, love and support with....it's important for healthy growth and development.

It is tough to not have our kids for specific holidays. The first few years we were apart, we shared all the big holidays. As he started dating, he decided he didn't want to share them anymore and we started having to split the holidays. It is hard, but mind games can help make it better. Trick yourself into thinking it's a different day, find other things to do to help distract, create a whole other day (of course with Halloween it's more difficult) to celebrate. There are ways to help make it easier.

Hang in there. There are so many new adjustments that have to be made along the way and they aren't always easy. I hope you find some peace with all of this.

 

[boston]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katt2005 About the girlfriend thing,To me, its better that he is loved and cared for by his gf, then hated and not wanted around. Thats the way I had to think about it. Would I rather her not like my kid and be annoyed constantly and not pay any attention to her, an hurt my daughters feelings, or love her, and care for her, and make my daughter feel comfortable when she is in her daddies home. I personally wouldn't want my daughter hated by anyone.

This is a good point. My exh's live in gf does not want kids. Which at first made me so relieved. But I'm worried my dd is picking up the vibe. Several times they've had to make alternative plans for Papa weekends because his gf didnt want dd there. So, there's a good thing about your ex's gf liking your son. And yes, get the agreement written down. you are not coparenting with HER, you're coparenting with your ex. She should not have your son during your time. I'd be pissed too.

And I'm sorry you missed Halloween. :-(

 

[Katt2005]

Quote:

He told me that she is a very jealous person and that would make her feel really uncomfortable.

Sounds like it would make HIM uncomfortable. Seems like if she was a *really* jealous person she would rather it that way, where she see's you, instead of you and him just seeing each other. Maybe he's affraid you'll say bad stuff about him.

Just smile a say a friendly hi to her.

 

[whateverdidiwants]

All jealousy aside, I don't think it's unreasonable AT ALL for you to meet every single person who's going to be taking care of you dc alone, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants All jealousy aside, I don't think it's unreasonable AT ALL for you to meet every single person who's going to be taking care of you dc alone, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

I saw her this morning when I went to pick up DS. She was nice to me. But she did have DS eating a bag of powdered donuts. He at the WHOLE bag. except for one

Last time she was down she gave DS a box of cheez-its for breakfast. He is still being tested for a dairy allergy and is supposed to avoid dairy. Not to mention, cheez-its are not good for him.

It's just that STBX has told me so much bad stuff about her. He was mad at her for about a week, and during that time he told me that she has been in trouble with the law (drugs I think), is insanely jealous (he also called her a psycho-b**ch), and she just ended (6 mos ago) a 4 year very abusive relationship where she was beaten severely and cheated on hundreds of times. He hasn't painted the nicest picture of her, now he loves her again and she'll be moving in as soon as the police release her from her state. This worries me.

 

[athansor]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian Last time she came to visit she bought my DS a book about welcoming a new baby into the family! And she taught him to say "Baby brother from ______(her name)" I'm really concerned that this may not be a stable environment for my DS. But then again I'm not sure if it is just me being threatened by another girl mothering my baby. I need a VERY HONEST opinion here. I can give more info if needed.

I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this right, but is your stbx's gf also pregnant?
That might change things if she and your stbx have a baby coming.

 

[Jilian]

She is not pregnant but she wants to have a baby with him soon. He has also told me that she said "The pill I'm on in the same one that three of my friends got pregnant on"

So there is a chance that she could be pregnant, or become pregnant soon. It sounds like she really wants to get preg by him.

 

[littlemama06]

I would be worried if this women had to be "released''for one state to move to another one.What did she do?