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I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling...I'm thinking of getting professional help. Tonight was an eye opener...DH and I had a HUGE argument in the car (while DS was sleeping thank goodness)...BAD, MEAN things were said, I did most of the venting-no, yelling, as usual, DH is right (even though I hate to admit it) and I barely gave him the chance to talk. He is usually the one who tries to stay calm and end the arguments before they escalate. But he actually ended up yelling louder than me, saying now he know why people get divorces, he can't stand to be with me if I'm in misery every day and can never just enjoy life...just so happens he's right...I've been so down lately, complaining all the time, yelling at my DH, even worse, feel like I yell at DS almost all day over everything and nothing -poor thing he's only 3 yrs old- does he really deserve to see Mommy cry everyday while I say "sorry Mommy got mad, sorry I yelled at you, it wasn't nice"? He frequently asks, "Mommy, why are you mad?", and today actually asked, "Mommy, why are you mad at Daddy?"<br><br>
I can't coniune like this anymore, as tears flow down, I don't want to lose my husband or have our son affected by this...I have to change the way I feel. After my arguments, I always promise my DH that I'll try to change, but now I'm wondering if it's not that I have to change the way I think and act, if it's more like depression, something that I can't change on my own without help (be it psychological or medical/antidepressants).<br><br>
It's hard to describe all my feelings, but besides that a major feeling is one of loneliness and isolation, of having nobody but my husband and son (this puts a huge burden on him, he feels like he's not good enough for me). We have no (helpful) family close by and I have no mommy friends, just one who lives far away, and a single friend who is childless. It's basically DS and me all day alone...I didn't start driving until this year (had a major driving phobia, still not 100% over it, there are days I purposely avoid it even though I know it makes the isolation even worse). Everytime I try to make friends with other moms I meet, I feel awkward- I'm a shy person, but actually really eager to open up with moms because I desperately need that network of support. So then I feel like I end up letting all my "quirks" and vents come out right away(eg. I'll mention the driving phobia and get looks like I have two heads, or I'll start venting about how "difficult" my 3 yr old is being about everything, or mention how he <i>still</i> doesn't sleep through the night (yup, still nursing and sleep deprived here), and then I get even stranger looks). Maybe I just have never come across any AP-like moms whom i might be able to connect with better. I wish I could have friends...a playmate for my son, and someone to lean on for myself (I would listen to all their problems and offer them support as well!)<br><br>
I'm sure there are other moms out there who feel the same way, but right now, I feel like I'm the only one, and it's such a lonely place to be...I just want to be happy, and not look at my son each night as he's peacefully sleeping wishing I had been a better momma, wishing I had <i>really</i> listened to him, played with him more, snuggled and read to him at naptime when he refused to sleep and I just yelled. I feel like each day is going by and I'm not enjoying the litle things in life, watching my son grow, etc. Everything is "complicated" and gives way to an argument, negativity, or crying. I just want to be happy. My son deserves it, my husband deserves it, but most of all I deserve it.
 

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it sounds like you need some close friends!! if you live near me..we could hang out!!! I've been in that dark place a long time ago, it's not fun... I'm so sorry sweetie. also it's not a bad thing to get help for depression, it's real, and it's debilitating!! hugs hugs!!
 

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You do sound depressed and lonely. I totally understand, as I feel the same way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Being isolated with no friends around is extremely difficult, I lived that way for four years and still do to an extent. I also have a driving phobia, which is actually new for me.<br><br>
Is there any solution to your situation (moving or something?). Are you rural or are you in a place where it might be possible to make friends? Have you checked out our Finding Your Tribe forum for AP moms nearby? There are also many AP playgroups, you can check yahoo groups or do a google search to find one in your area....<br><br>
Sending lots of sympathy your way...
 

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I think one thing our society doesn't recognize is how isolating it is to be a stay at home mom these days. I know my depression was much worse while I was at home. And when you add in parenting choices that aren't always completely accepted, it can make it even worse. And I live in a city, so location has nothing to do with it all.<br><br>
I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree with the others that your symptoms could signal depression. There's a book I recommend to literally everyone (just ask, I really do), it was recommended to me by another mom here called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. What I love about it is that her treatments are natural and they will work very quickly when you get the right one, unlike psych drugs that take a couple of weeks to get up to the right level in your system.
 

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You describe some things I have experiencing. I too have a driving phobia, although I haven't been able to overcome at all. I have a really hard time feeling like I fit in with anyone. I have older kids, everyone I know is in full fledged babydom or childless. Either way I end up feeling awkward, like"why are <i>you</i> here?<br>
Don't really have any advise, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 
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