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Not sure if its PPD, but its scary to me

810 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  doulajewla

Im not entirely sure i have PPD. I havent been officially diagnosed with it, but my counselor said i did have some signs of it. A few weeks ago, my PPD kind of disappeared for a while, i wasnt really having any of the signs, except i still cant eat well. Every time i go to prepare food, i draw a blank and say forget it and dont eat. But let me start at the beginning.

I have 4 kids. 3 were unnecessary c/s, and then my fourth was a wonderful, joyous home water birth. She was born almost 5 months ago. It was really a great birth, the best....and i loved every single minute. I keep reliving it every day and watch the video often--dont know if this is a problem, but i feel that i have to keep reliving it becuase i dont ever want to forget it....OR move out of it for that fact. I am stuck in November, i dont want to move out of it. I dont want my baby to grow bigger (although i do, but im having severe trouble with this....i dont want to lose the babiness...if that makes any sense.) After the birth i started having food issues, not being able to prepare food for myself, but forcing myself to have at least a piece of cheese or turkey for the baby. Nothing satisfied me and i would just stand in the kitchen holding my baby and cry because i didnt know what i wanted and didnt know how to make it. Mind you, i used to love to cook and did all the time during my pregnancy. That kind of subsided and then came back, then subsided and now came back a little bit. The other day i made a sandwich and then didnt want it because the lettuce was falling out.

Now im having disturbing thoughts. I had this with my first child but dismissed it easily because i knew i would never harm my child. I had it on and off for a year with my first, and it scared me, but i did nothing about it because i was afraid of being put in a straitjacket and hauled away (i know where this fear comes from---my mother used to tell me when i was 10 that men in straitjackets were coming to take me away to the mental hospital for sick girls like me if i didnt stop being so bad.) i told no one, i didnt want to be away from my baby. I knew in my heart id never do anything, but these thoughts would just come out of nowhere. Just like now, i have these similar thoughts. I would NEVER EVER harm my baby...EVER. I cried last night because the thoughts wouldnt stop. It was kind of like OCD. I couldnt get them to stop and it was a nightmare for me. Finally after a while they did stop, but i couldnt stop obsessing why i had these thoughts. Please dont think im a bad mom--im not--but i cant understand why i have these thoughts. Im a loving mom and love my baby SOOOO much, i co sleep and breastfeed and babywear, i cant stand to be apart from her even for a little while. I kiss her all the time and just lovingly look at her itty bitty toes and hands and beautiful hair everyday...and i play with her and make her laugh. I just dont understand, why is this happening to me? I thought i was a good mom(never used to think so, but then this birth happened and i think im great and i can do anything lol---im kind of all high on myself since her birth lol). I cant control these thoughts, its such an intrusive thought....the same one over and over. Its just too horrible to write, i cant even tell my good friend about it...i did tell her, but i couldnt bring myself to tell details. I cant even write it in my journal, i tried but it was too painful. I just want to know that im not that nuts and im not alone, and that i dont need to be hospitalized. I love my baby so much and feel that i have to protect her even more---its starting to get to the point that im worried about what if i die and shes all alone without me, shell cry and be so sad and what if something bad happens to her and she gets sick or we get into a car accident....i feel that i cant protect her enough. I go to counseling, but missed my appointment this week, i had a parent teacher conference. This has only been happening for about a week now, and i want to do something about it. Motherwort, and Bachs flower remedy do help calm me down, but even after the intrusive thoughts, i think about how horrible i must be to have my brain even come up with something like that. thanks for listening
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I read your post and was sorry to hear your pain.
I have PPD but it is more generalized anxiety about caring for two little ones (that and just plain old fashioned sleep exhaustion--my ds#2 is almost 6 weeks old, has reflux and wakes up frequently to feed).
But I wanted to respond--
I do think you have PPD. The intrusive thinking is a form of it, I think it is referred to as postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder. It is really coming from a hormonal imbalance.
You're not a bad mom. You may want to read a book called women's moods by deborah Sichel and Jeanne Driscoll. It discusses PPD and the accompanying forms of it.
I would continue talking to your therapist. Prescription medication may help; some folks here recommend natural remedies such as b supplements or omega 3 fatty acids.
Hugs to you.
It's OK.

Everything is going to be OK.

I know how terrible it is; it's more common than you think. You're not crazy. No one is going to take you away from your baby. With just a little help, support and healing, you WILL FEEL BETTER.

Go get some help. There are herbal remedies if meds aren't appropriate for you. And an hour of exercise regularly can be as helpful as meds in some cases. Rest, exercise, eat, seek help.

You obviously are a great mama. You'll get through this.


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It is nothing to be ashamed of the way u are feeling
many woman struggle with ppd every day it isnt something we can control and isnt something that will just go away if u ignore it. With what u are describing I would definatly get to a dr ASAP and either try meds (zoloft very safe while bfing) or anouther of the approved meds. Also u could try counciling. U need to do something tho so that u can enjoy your dd 100%. My single greates regret with dd is not going to get the dr until she was 3mo so now I have no memories other than the bad ones of those first precious months.
The difference is like night and day between her and my ds I did have ppd with him but I started meds the week after his birth and have been able to actually enjoy having a normal experiance with him. I treasure it. When I think of all I missed and went thru when I didnt have to it breaks my heart. Please go talk to someone. I know it can be better. U are in my thoughts and prayers.
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((((hugs)))) you are NOT alone. I had those same types of thoughts with DD but had no clue what was going on (I was 18 and alone) but looking back I KNOW that it was PPD. I have some of the same worries and fears and instrusive thinking with DS, but not as bad as with DD. But the anxiety is much worse. I have started taking 5-HTP and lots of omega nutrients, and b vitamins. Hoping that it is enough to do the trick, but if not I will seek other help. Just know that it doesn't make you a bad mommy, it does sound like PPD, and that it is normal for PPD to manifest like that.

Is there anyone that you can talk to about this without fear?
Thank you, all of you for your wonderful replies. I dont feel so alone now. I am remembering to enjoy my little one, I know how fast these minutes and seconds vanish. I am thinking of taking the supplements and vitamins to start with. I am taking bachs rescue remedy and motherwort which seem to calm me down, but dont stop the intrusive thoughts. What vitamins and supplements are good again? I know the omega 3, right? Ill try that. I walk daily, even if its just around the yard, i do it anyway, and i feel awesome when i am walking. Its at night thats the worst. 3 nights a week I am totally alone with 4 husband works in NYC and im in he leaves on a tuesday or sometimes a wednesday and comes home friday night at like midnight. So its probably hard for someone with PPD to deal with it alone too. I did call this therapist my friend recommended, and i left a message. So hopefully they will call me back monday. Will it ever end, or does this linger for years? Since i was little, i always used to say "Why cant i ever have a good day with no pain or not being afraid of something?" It just seems that everyday theres something that doesnt feel good to me, even when i was little. Something always hurts or im too afraid. When i was walking the other day though, i was having fun with my kids and feeling good for once. So its a start, i suppose. Thanks again!
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Barbara, first off, thanks for sharing your story.
It is really hard just to think about something like that, but trying to share it too, is overwhelming.
I completely understand about those kind of thoughts that keep repeating themselves. I had the same thing with the birth of my first child, just a phrase, going round and round and round in my head, for hours at a time in the middle of the night. It was totally insane, and I was not treated, but after reading about that symptom recently, I thought, wow that was me too. I guess I had PPD worse than I thought.

So also, my sister has felt like you for nearly all of her life too. She has gone through counseling within the past few years, and has only just in the past 6 months started taking psyc meds for her depression. The difference in her is totally amazing. She is happy, you can talk to her about things and she won't jump off the deep end and accuse you of saying something that you didn't.
It makes talking to her or being around her a lot better experience.

Wishing you all the best.
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Im doing a bit better this week, i went away for 4 days just to get myself out of the house and try to go to the beach where I used to live to reconnect a little. Turns out that I didnt really need to do that because I love Vermont so much more than Long Island lol. I missed my yard and I missed the mountains, i dont really care for the beach anymore. But i only had two days of the ocd thoughts, so that was really good. Both times scared me half to death, but i just kept telling myself that i was fine. Then i did some pressure point therapy and that seemed to work pretty good at getting me to stop and refocus. But i know im a long way from done, I was depressed for most of the day yesterday, mostly because I developed mastitis in my left breast and i wasnt feeling so good. So far the herbs are helping to keep me calm, and I just need to work on the thoughts.....if the therapy doesnt help ill consider going on zoloft since i know thats worked for me before.
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