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((((JesseMomme)))) I read through the whole thing. I'm so sorry things are bad right now. The only concrete advice I have is for you to go to counselling. Without him. While he is the root of a lot of your problems, you're not going to get him there, so don't even try for now. But come hell or high water, you need to talk to someone.
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I'm so sorry this is going on.<br><br>
I want to echo irishmomma's comment about counseling.<br><br>
YOu get it. Don't even suggest him.<br><br>
by the way, be prepared, he'll be threatened by you going because he'll know what is being discussed.<br><br>
I have suggested this book many times to moms here and I am going to suggest it to you. It is probabaly at your library.<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F006091565X%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...46510?v=glance</a><br><br><br>
also read this...even though you are already married you need to remember where your strength is and new boundaries with husband and this is good primer...<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0380718154%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...46510?v=glance</a><br><br>
once you read that..then this one will make more sense... well, you know what....maybe you can just skip to it directly...on second thought. This is a very wise woman. I have friends who go to her here in Los Angeles. Changed their lives because of her data.<br><br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0380723824%2Fref%3Dpd_sim_books_5%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance%26s%3Dbooks" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books</a><br><br><br>
Editorial Reviews<br>
Midwest Book Review<br>
The key to long-lasting relationships is an understanding of sexual roles and marital problems. This book defines common male personalities and interaction traits, and teaches women how to interact positively despite common barriers to communication and action. An involving, realistic psychological approach. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.<br><br>
Book Description<br>
Marriage is not an end--it's a beginning. Yet, despite commitment, care, and communication, a marriage will sometimes falter. When it does, the good news is that it can be made wonderful again. Following her landmark Getting to "I Do", Patricia Allen, the "Love Doctor" to over five thousand happily married couples, shares her proven methods for making a marriage come alive with love, passion, intimacy, and openness.<br>
Dr. Allen's methods are so simple and basic as to be revolutionary. In each of... read more --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.<br><br><br><br>
See all editorial reviews...
I want to echo irishmomma's comment about counseling.<br><br>
YOu get it. Don't even suggest him.<br><br>
by the way, be prepared, he'll be threatened by you going because he'll know what is being discussed.<br><br>
I have suggested this book many times to moms here and I am going to suggest it to you. It is probabaly at your library.<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F006091565X%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...46510?v=glance</a><br><br><br>
also read this...even though you are already married you need to remember where your strength is and new boundaries with husband and this is good primer...<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0380718154%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...46510?v=glance</a><br><br>
once you read that..then this one will make more sense... well, you know what....maybe you can just skip to it directly...on second thought. This is a very wise woman. I have friends who go to her here in Los Angeles. Changed their lives because of her data.<br><br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0380723824%2Fref%3Dpd_sim_books_5%2F102-1725683-3446510%3Fv%3Dglance%26s%3Dbooks" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books</a><br><br><br>
Editorial Reviews<br>
Midwest Book Review<br>
The key to long-lasting relationships is an understanding of sexual roles and marital problems. This book defines common male personalities and interaction traits, and teaches women how to interact positively despite common barriers to communication and action. An involving, realistic psychological approach. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.<br><br>
Book Description<br>
Marriage is not an end--it's a beginning. Yet, despite commitment, care, and communication, a marriage will sometimes falter. When it does, the good news is that it can be made wonderful again. Following her landmark Getting to "I Do", Patricia Allen, the "Love Doctor" to over five thousand happily married couples, shares her proven methods for making a marriage come alive with love, passion, intimacy, and openness.<br>
Dr. Allen's methods are so simple and basic as to be revolutionary. In each of... read more --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.<br><br><br><br>
See all editorial reviews...
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What a hellish time, and I'm sooo sorry you have to deal with this. My shrink always says an interesting thing, that even if your dh will not go into therapy with you, he will benefit from the therapy YOU get, because you'll get able to turn around and help him. She also says that if two people in a marriage want the relationship to work out, it has a 100% success rate. If only one person is committed to working it out, you have a 50% chance of working it out. Get thee to some help - it's too much for one person to handle alone.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Get thee to some help - it's too much for one person to handle alone.</td>
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jessemomme,<br><br>
why don't you bookend this with us here.... the next time you come back..please have called around and gotten the name of and number for a therapist.<br><br>
I bookend things all the time with friends.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Get thee to some help - it's too much for one person to handle alone.</td>
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jessemomme,<br><br>
why don't you bookend this with us here.... the next time you come back..please have called around and gotten the name of and number for a therapist.<br><br>
I bookend things all the time with friends.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
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I'm sooo sorry you're going through this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><br>
I hope things start to look up for you very soon.<br><br>
I'll be thinking about you and your family.<br><br>
Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
I hope things start to look up for you very soon.<br><br>
I'll be thinking about you and your family.<br><br>
Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
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What you guys have been through (and are going through) are SO STRESSFUL it'd be amazing if you guys weren't having problems. Pregnancy, birth, moving, new job, job loss, cps, all those things are HUGE HUGE HUGE stresses (even the positive events like pregnancy).<br><br>
Your dh does sound like he's depressed. I'd talk to him about it, not now but once you guys are settled in your new place.<br><br>
You sound alot like me, you hate being in limbo and hate the unknown. So, here's some advice, I hope it helps:<br><br>
Concentrate on the things you "know". You know you are moving. So pack! It doesn't matter that you don't have a place yet, since you are moving, pack. Your dh has a job. Maybe not an ideal job, but a job. So, that's a step. Dh has a job. You are moving. You can pack and learn more info about the cities you are looking at moving to. Packing is something solid and proactive; researching apartments and areas is another proactive step. Next, once you have an address, or at least an area narrowed down, go online and get the info for their local WIC and state health care/welfare/food stamp info. See if you qualify (I'm sure you will). Print out all the address and phone numbers so as soon as you move (or even before, as long as you have a local addy and phone number) you can get in there and get some financial help. This will defininately help you relax a bit <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I don't have much advice on actual relationship issues; what I can say (having been in similar situations before) is that since you guys are in such limbo in other areas, put the problems and issues aside and just focus on being united and getting set up. Does that make sense? Don't ignore obvious things, but just focus on the positives and being supportive and settling in.<br><br>
Having been isolated for two years when we lived in IL, and having no friends, and "walking around the mall" being a major event and treat, I've SO btdt! Our relationship situation was different, but my overall feelings were similar to yours. What it took for me to be happy was moving out of that place (I hated it there so much), to an area I wanted to be in; getting rid of debt and lifestlye choices that were contrary to what I believed in (living above our means mostly); and starting to go out of the house every day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Even in IL, if I left the house each day I did feel slightly better. It is so hard to do sometimes, but make yourself do it; even if it's just to walk down the street. You'll all feel better. When you move, go out every day! Say "hi" to neighbors, smile and say hi to strangers at the store and park, you'll meet people that way! I have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I find that even having a one minute exchange about the weather with another adult makes me feel happy; does that even make any sense or do I sound like a lunatic? Anyway, feel free to pm me anytime <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><br>
Kristi
Your dh does sound like he's depressed. I'd talk to him about it, not now but once you guys are settled in your new place.<br><br>
You sound alot like me, you hate being in limbo and hate the unknown. So, here's some advice, I hope it helps:<br><br>
Concentrate on the things you "know". You know you are moving. So pack! It doesn't matter that you don't have a place yet, since you are moving, pack. Your dh has a job. Maybe not an ideal job, but a job. So, that's a step. Dh has a job. You are moving. You can pack and learn more info about the cities you are looking at moving to. Packing is something solid and proactive; researching apartments and areas is another proactive step. Next, once you have an address, or at least an area narrowed down, go online and get the info for their local WIC and state health care/welfare/food stamp info. See if you qualify (I'm sure you will). Print out all the address and phone numbers so as soon as you move (or even before, as long as you have a local addy and phone number) you can get in there and get some financial help. This will defininately help you relax a bit <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I don't have much advice on actual relationship issues; what I can say (having been in similar situations before) is that since you guys are in such limbo in other areas, put the problems and issues aside and just focus on being united and getting set up. Does that make sense? Don't ignore obvious things, but just focus on the positives and being supportive and settling in.<br><br>
Having been isolated for two years when we lived in IL, and having no friends, and "walking around the mall" being a major event and treat, I've SO btdt! Our relationship situation was different, but my overall feelings were similar to yours. What it took for me to be happy was moving out of that place (I hated it there so much), to an area I wanted to be in; getting rid of debt and lifestlye choices that were contrary to what I believed in (living above our means mostly); and starting to go out of the house every day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Even in IL, if I left the house each day I did feel slightly better. It is so hard to do sometimes, but make yourself do it; even if it's just to walk down the street. You'll all feel better. When you move, go out every day! Say "hi" to neighbors, smile and say hi to strangers at the store and park, you'll meet people that way! I have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I find that even having a one minute exchange about the weather with another adult makes me feel happy; does that even make any sense or do I sound like a lunatic? Anyway, feel free to pm me anytime <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><br>
Kristi
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jesse,<br>
I'm still following your thread. Have you been able to get the books, yet? probably not, but I just wanted to let you know, I'm still rooting for you.... wait, is rooting the right word... too much world series in the air... anyway, you are in my thoughts. Just keep breathing. hugs
I'm still following your thread. Have you been able to get the books, yet? probably not, but I just wanted to let you know, I'm still rooting for you.... wait, is rooting the right word... too much world series in the air... anyway, you are in my thoughts. Just keep breathing. hugs
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by JesseMomme</i><br><b><br>
I feel weird that the ratio of views to replies is, well, nonproportionate. But ok I admit I often dno't have much in the way of advice for other posts in PasP because I feel like who am I to be handing out advice and though I'm sincere when I say hugs or I really feel for someone, it comes across as comes across as noncommital and "oh well, sorry" onscreen. Am I the only one to feel this way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:<br></b></td>
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Yes. I feel this way. I can't possibly give you any helpful advice about your situation, but I really want to somehow be helpful to you. Your writing about this incredibly challenging situation has been so thoughtful. I wish words could be stronger than they are, could convey the comfort you need and deserve, and that I want to send you.
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by JesseMomme</i><br><b><br>
I feel weird that the ratio of views to replies is, well, nonproportionate. But ok I admit I often dno't have much in the way of advice for other posts in PasP because I feel like who am I to be handing out advice and though I'm sincere when I say hugs or I really feel for someone, it comes across as comes across as noncommital and "oh well, sorry" onscreen. Am I the only one to feel this way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:<br></b></td>
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Yes. I feel this way. I can't possibly give you any helpful advice about your situation, but I really want to somehow be helpful to you. Your writing about this incredibly challenging situation has been so thoughtful. I wish words could be stronger than they are, could convey the comfort you need and deserve, and that I want to send you.
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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by captain optimism</i><br><b>Yes. I feel this way. I can't possibly give you any helpful advice about your situation, but I really want to somehow be helpful to you. Your writing about this incredibly challenging situation has been so thoughtful. I wish words could be stronger than they are, could convey the comfort you need and deserve, and that I want to send you.</b></td>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> <-- Happy tears. It worked. Thank you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by captain optimism</i><br><b>Yes. I feel this way. I can't possibly give you any helpful advice about your situation, but I really want to somehow be helpful to you. Your writing about this incredibly challenging situation has been so thoughtful. I wish words could be stronger than they are, could convey the comfort you need and deserve, and that I want to send you.</b></td>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> <-- Happy tears. It worked. Thank you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
I'm sorry I've read and not posted if it makes you feel vulnerable or unable to be helped. I have no advice at all, being in a totally different world than you. But you definitely are in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you. I just keep shaking my head in amazement at how much stress can change your relationship in a year. Instead of you and him against the world you're at each other. I am definitely pulling for you guys, too.<br><br>
As far as Al-anon, wouldn't ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) fit you better? My Mom really speaks highly of them, she attended for quite a while as her father was fall-on-the-floor-drunk every night to the point she never had friends over because how do you explain your Dad is yelling mean things and sleeping in the middle of the living room floor, and that's just normal in your house? She would absolutely encourage you to go there.<br><br>
Good luck!
As far as Al-anon, wouldn't ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) fit you better? My Mom really speaks highly of them, she attended for quite a while as her father was fall-on-the-floor-drunk every night to the point she never had friends over because how do you explain your Dad is yelling mean things and sleeping in the middle of the living room floor, and that's just normal in your house? She would absolutely encourage you to go there.<br><br>
Good luck!
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Wow! You're moving to NC! That is a BIG change from NYC. What part of NC are you moving to? I'm glad dh has a job. Hopefully things will start to fall into place for you now. Hugs to you!
I know what you mean about the views/replies ratio, so I have to just check in and say that I've been reading all through this thread with my hair standing on end at times and my heart going out to you, JesseMomme. With sympathy, empathy, and admiration for the way you put it all down...<br>
hugs
hugs
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I am a HUGE fan of ACOA and Al-anon..... your mom is right on that one in my opinion. And if you are really brave you'll find a DA meeting (debtor's anoynmous) as financial instability might be your husband's/your own 'alcohol' but really that is way down the line... I would be all ove an ACOA meeting.<br>
I went for years..totally helped my life.
I went for years..totally helped my life.
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Lots & lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s to you -- probably at least 5 of the views are from me...I'm an terrible lurker, but can't usually post because of my ds.
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