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Not telling anyone about the hb?

922 Views 12 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  kbrozman
Ok, at this point I am only 12 weeks but I really want a hb after a very bad very long hospital birth. I am trying to look into getting Tricare to pay for the hb / midwife but if that doesn't happen then we will go to the OB for all prenatal visits, then just have a hb without telling them.

My family is also not going to approve at all. Even my very crunchy stepmom who only sees holistic doctors, eats 90% organic, everything around their house is organic (laundry detergent, cleansers, shampoo), and even will only have an orgaic carpet cleaner come to clean their carpets. She also had both of her children in a birthing center. I told her about how I didn't like my hospital birth and she said "Yeah, find a good birthing center, that would be great." When I told her that wasn't an option, she told me to labor at home as much as I could, but to be careful not to wait to long to make it to the hospital. *sigh* The one family member (besides my sister) who I thought I could count on for support, threw it out the window.

Not to metion that most of my friends would freak out if I told them I was planning a homebirth. I know of two that would be completely supportive, one is my LLL leader (7 children), the other is very crunchy and wants a hb herself if they have another child.

I don't even know if I can convince my DH to be supportive with a hb. Untimitly it is my decision, but do I really want to have my DH pouting, or being negative while I am trying to naturally have my baby? Not to mention that if we have a mw there it is going to cost us some money, reguardless ($600 - $1500 I have heard). DH will not be happy with that, and I am not happy with that! So I am starting to think about a UA birth.

But is it really possible to going through 9 months of pregnancy and not tell anyone that you are planning a hb? Then when you have the hb to say "Oophs, we accidently had it at home!" Has anyone done this?! I really don't know if I can take the stress of having every person I know lecture me about how dangers it is, and how foolish I am being, while I am pregnant.

What to do... what to do...
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I thought about not telling people, but me and my big mouth- everyone knew. I'm glad I told everyone though- maybe I helped change some minds. I just had an aura about myself that I knew what I was doing, had done the research and would not be swayed.

good luck!

I thought about not telling, but didn't feel like I could keep that important of a detail from family & friends, in the end. I'm glad I told them, too. Not everyone's happy or supportive, but at this point my decision's made & they know this & are more accepting of it. There will always be more people looking down their noses at your decisions than there are supportive people when it comes to hb (at least in my world). I'm accepting of that & I'm alright with it because I *know*, without a doubt, this is the right thing for me & my baby. It may not be right for them or even for me with my next baby, but I'm accepting of that.

What I'm trying to say is, if you're sure this is right for you & your baby then people's opinions won't sway that. Yes, you may have to listen to negative comments & stories now & again, but ultimately what you want to have is what's best for that baby & for yourself just like they do. There are ways of telling people to keep it to themselves without offending them (unless they're just easily offended). And there will be people who will be offended but it's not their place to have a say in this.

I was wondering why you'd go to a dr for your prenatal checks & not a midwife if you plan on birthing at home. Is hb not allowed in your state? My midwife does all my checks, is why I'm asking.

If you pray, do alot of that to help you come to know for sure that this is right or wrong for you & your baby. If you're confident in your decision, little will sway you. As for your dh, pray that he'll see that it's right too &, if it's right he probably will. I hope I'm not coming off the wrong way here....this is the way I live my life, so I have a hard time advising others any other way.

My thoughts are with you.

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I'm not telling any of my family (well, my sister who is a MDC member probably knows...) because my mom was the head RN on a maternity floor, and is NOT supportive of homebirthing at all...and I'm sure MIL would have a thing or two to say about it as well (she usually does question our choices). Heck, I don't even know how to tell people AFTER the birth without hearing "what on earth did you do that for? Was it an accident? You should go get checked out by the hospital now..."
I told my family about the homebirth but dh did not tell his famiy. I was due on May 5th and when the baby didn't come and we didn't induce asap like hospital births, they started asking questions. My dh told them on the 11th. My DD didn't come until the 26th (21 days over the original date) so we did have to hear about two weeks of nagging, being accused of not doing our homework, being hippy dippy and imature. This from my dh's mom and one of his older sisters that never had kids. I am glad we didn't tell them sooner.heehee Anyway it is possible to keep a secret that long. When the would ask how the drs. appointments went I would just tell the fine or quote something my midwife told me.
I thought about not telling as well. Now I think that I will if I am asked where I'm having the baby. Unfortunately where I live (which is about thirty minutes from you) that's the first question anyone asks. People around here go anywhere but the local hospital so they ask innocently. What I am doing is keeping this pregnancy a secret as long as I can stand it. I am 14 weeks 4 days and the only one around here who knows I'm pregnant is dd's daycare provider so that she can hold a spot for the new baby. My family is far enough away that there isn't a whole lot they can do about the situation anyway so I've been honest with them but did have to cut ties with my mother who is unsupportive.

I think I've told you before but incase I didn't, if you need any support at all PM me and we can talk. I'm willing to bet our midwives are closely connected if not the same
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As far as the mw part goes, we have TriCare who pays for 100% of all my medical care, prenatal included. I would love a midwife but I am currently working on getting one who is covered by TriCare, which I have read on here is possible, it just takes a bit of work. So, I sent in an email to the NC homebirth website for a list of hb mws in my state. I plan on calling all of them (thank goodness for unlimited long distance phone service) and asking if they have had any experience with TriCare paying for their services. I am hoping to get some sort of information from there. I also need to call the TriCare office here on base.... but I know the ladies personally (so I would try and call anon) because of so many issues of payments not being sent (their fault).

As of right now I haven't gone to my first OB appointment, it's set for June 24th. We had to cancel 3 times due to DHs father passing, and DH getting a shift change. So, I have 3 weeks to figure out what I am going to do, and if I can get a mw paid for.

I am very adimit about a hb, this is something I really want. Where we live hbs are not heard of, I know of 1 person out of all the people I have ever spoken to, and she is my LLL leader. Also, the hospital here is very ridged about what they will 'allow' during labor. Once I am checked in I am given an IV, I am strapped to a bed for constant monitering, as soon as my water breaks they do an internal monitor. They won't let you change possitions, you will be lucky if they allow you to use the restroom. These are things I don't want! I wouldn't mind a hospital birth or a birthing center, but I have to be able to change possitions and I don't want to be hooked up to all kinds of crap, that is what caused my 45 hour labor with 3 hours of pushing. I don't want that again.

I know if my family finds out (like aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) they will freak, and I will be the talk of the family gatherings. It will be horrible. But they are people that I can keep something like this from, especially since we live across the country from them. The hard part would be my immediate family and friends. I see my friends a couple times a week and 3 of them are pregant, 1 trying, so we talk about birth and babies a lot.

I don't pray, I use to but thats a long story.
But I do appreciate that responce, because if I still prayed then I would probably have forgotten to pray about something like this. duh to me.
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With my first child I didin't tell my mom my plans to homebirth until I was 8 months pregant. I thought she would freak out and lecture me on hospital safety blah blah blah. However, she was very sweet, and simply responded that it is great that I can choose to birth where I want to.

My in-laws were supportive, however, they would tell me their concerns from time to time. I think if you know in your heart that Homebirth is what you want and know that is the right decision, you won't have to worry with any of the comments that people feel inclined to make.

One of the best things you can do is arm yourself with information. As I'm pregnant with my 2nd and planning a homebirth, I just poured through Ina May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth, and Spiritual Midwifery. These are two excellent resources and I highly recommend them, especially for your own peace of mind. Another book I highly recommend, and that is very useful in helping others to learn about Hospital dangers is A Good Birth A Safe Birth. This book is full of statistics and is very helpful for giving you information to those people who feel the need to lecture you on your decision.

Good luck!
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But is it really possible to going through 9 months of pregnancy and not tell anyone that you are planning a hb? Then when you have the hb to say "Oophs, we accidently had it at home!"
My second was born at home, and we didn't tell dh's parents until the last minute. We were going to have our older child present, but then I changed my mind after a few hours in labor so we called MIL and said "Come get dd; oh and BTW we're not in the hospital, we're still at home and that's where we're having the baby!"

I was born at home and my dad's mom did not find out for 22 years. :LOL I let it slip when I was pg with #1. I was at a family reunion and we were talking about the upcoming birth, and I said "I was thinking of maybe having an unassisted birth, you know, the way I was born!" And grandma said "What do you mean...Steve, are you telling me you delivered your children?!"

So it can be done!
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hunnybumm, Tricare will pay for a CNM for a homebirth. First get onto the Tricare website or get a list of CNM within a 40m radius of your zipcode. Call all them and ask if they'll do homebirth. If any do, you probably have to use them. Probably though Tricare doesn't have a CNM in your 40m radius that does homebirths. So then as you're doing, find one yourself. You could also try ICAN even if you haven't had a c/s - they might know of more alternative style CNMs. Interview the midwife(s). Then take the midwives name, address, tax ID info etc to your PCM and ask for a referral. (I'm assuming your Prime?) Tell them you're choosing this midwife because Tricare doesn't have one in network. That's what I've just done. It took me about 6 weeks to find out how to do it then another 3 weeks to actually get it done and get the authorisation number.

I don't think you need to deal with your local Tricare office. You go to your PCM for the referral, my PCM did it on the computer. The rest just happens. I never had to fill out any Tricare forms or go to any Tricare office. A request like this will go outside the MTF to the Tricare Regional Office, something like a Medical Management department who will authorise it. Deal directly with them. I found anyone further down the line didn't have a clue. Even the med. management dept at Tricare I spoke to, could only recall authorising one homebirth before.

And with family I work on a if they don't ask, don't tell means. And cause they just ASSUME I'm having a hospital birth, I don't think they're gonna ask. I did mention I'm seeing a midwife this time but then last hospital birth I saw midwives at my MTF anyway. I'm not gonna lie though, just not rushing to tell them cause I don't wanna deal with their issues. My dh was surprisingly easygoing about my decision to HB. Just keep slinging HB facts at him. Especially about the risks of actually going to the hospital - that isn't risk free either. Aren't medical mistakes the 6th leading cause of death in the USA? And I also pointed out that it must be ok, cause Tricare authorises it - you know if HB were so dangerous and likely to result in lawsuits, would Tricare be authorising it (hey pretty lame but appealed to my dh).
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I say tell the world ... we can only change the course of thinking by educating the masses who think hb is "crazy" let alone hbac. I recently had a successful hbac and told everyone. Even after my first hb attempt ended in emergency transfer to the hospital I told everyone even my mom who is an RN that I am safer at home than I will ever be in the hospital. Put on your armour and be prepared for the misinformed to try and create fear and respond with every ounce of info you have researched as to why your home is the best place for you and your baby! Best wishes for a beautiful homebirth!
I hear your concerns, as we also were concerned about telling people, both because we thought they wouldn't support it, but it is also illegal (crazy!!) in NY so we needed to protect our midwives. We told our families and very close friends, and our families were I think appropriately concerned for people who simply didn't have a lot of information about hb's. We listened to their concerns, gave them all the information we had that had helped us make our decision, and simply presented it to them as if it was not a discussion but rather us informing them of our decision. Our hb was so wonderful and this time around (will be having one with our second next month) I am so much more confident, and agree wholeheartedly with desertmoonmama's reply about telling everyone - be confident and proud in your decision and this will hopefully educate people and change people's false views of homebirth. Good luck.
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