[nukedwifey]

My MIL informed us this weekend that she will be coming the week I'm due and staying for 2 weeks after that. I'm NOT thrilled. It's not that I don't like her. She's a very nice person, it's that I don't KNOW her that well. She lives, what? 8 states away, I've met her literally a handful of times. It would be much easier for me to tell someone that is genuinely NOT nice that they can't be there when I give birth over having to do it to someone who IS nice. My DH thinks I'm overreacting and being mean by saying I wasn't thrilled about this. Of course I told him when he strips down naked and pushes a bowling ball out of his butt in front of MY mother then he can say that! I also sort of yelled at him "I can have who ever I want in the room with me. You don't have to be there." And then of course I just broke down into tears, I couldn't help it! I was much happier when I thought it would just be my mother and sister and I didn't have to deal with the thought of his. I know where my family stands with my birthing ideas and I've seen them during births. Now I'm totally panicked and worried. I don't know what she thinks about birth. I don't know what opinions she'll feel the need to voice while I'm in labor or leading up to it even. Is she one of those people that will think I'm nuts for having a natural birth? I DON'T KNOW! Will she butt in too much? I DON'T KNOW! My nice calm demeanor about this has been tossed out the window with one more thing to worry about! My Dh just doesn't get it! Despite sitting through birthing classes and watching videos, listening to the instructor and what she said about past experiences of other clients (in regards to non-comforting mothers, etc) he doesn't get why this is a huge deal to me. I feel like all of the birthing classes were a waste of money as he obviously doesn't get it, everything I've said to him went in one ear and out the other and now I'm JUST insulting HIS mother. After all "it's her grandchild too."

I don't even know what I want (advice, etc) because I said my thoughts to him. He still thinks I'm being mean. And I can't even have the MWs handle it because he knows the rules for the BC. There are no limits on the number of people. He'd knows it's not true. We don't have kids so no other "purpose" or job can be delegated out to her. None that I can think of anyway. I just don't know!

 

[russianthistle]

I'm with you...nice or not, I wouldn't be into a MIL stay for 2 weeks, either.

 

[CookAMH]

This is first and foremost an issue of DH being on your side and totally on board as your coach. It is then an issue of your MIL completely over stepping her bounds. It doesn't matter how nice she is - she needs to respect your wishes. DH ought to be the one handling this with her. I wish I could offer something to get through to DH but I don't have any ideas. I would be furious though, like you are.

 

[Ldavis24]

You are right, it is your birth and you can choose to have whoever you want there or the opposite having someone not be there...

My mother, not my MIL (who for once was smart enough to not even ask) wants to be in the room with me and DH when I am in labor and I finally told her flat out that it wasn't going to happen at all. She will only be seeing me after DD is born...I love my mom, we get along really well and are very close.

This hurt her incredibly, she was shocked and had assumed she would be there, telling her she wouldn't was very hard but I also realized that now is not the time to be catering to other people's feelings (DH or mom or MIL or anyone)... This is the time when you are going to need to feel as comfortable as you can, not wondering if your MIL is going to judge you during your birth...

Your DH really does sound like he just doesn't get it to be blunt. I wouldn't try to argue with him about it either, I would just flat out tell him, this is not happening your MIL can wait outside or whatever but if you truly support me then you won't fight me on this... If he fights you, I don't know, I would still do what I know is best for me!

I feel so badly for you because it is an awkward situation, it was hard enough saying those things to my mom whom I actually know pretty well and knew how she would feel. Maybe it would easier with someone you don't know well? I don't know, I can only say you gotta be strong!!

your DH is flat out wrong, you aren't being mean, you are aware that having your MIL would probably not be best for you!
sorry for the rant, this type of thing gets me heated!

 

[j_p_i]

Oh mama, how frustrating!! I would feel like this had been sprung on me, and it would put me SO far outside my comfort zone. To not have my DH behind me on it would just put me over the edge

:

Is there any way you can speak to her (if your DH won't) and discuss having her "around" during the birth, but not actually there while you labor/birth the baby? You could explain that you're the type of person who is very private, uncomfortable around people, need to be alone, just you and your dh... whatever it takes to get your point across. You wouldn't have to be mean (and I certainly don't think you're being mean at all in this situation!) to tell her that it doesn't make you comfortable to have her there during the birth.

I'm sorry, I feel frustrated for you!

 

[Smithie]

This is unacceptable, and will be awful, regardless of how nice the woman turns out to be, simply because it's not what you want. You are right to be panicking. Your birth is getting sabotaged by the utter, nigh-unbelievable cluelessness of your dh.

Honestly, in your situation I would do a complete end-run around your doofus dh and call your MIL directly and help her make an appropriate vacation plan. Maybe you can do the whole "everybody is always on hand right after the baby comes, but I keep hearing that a month out I will be desperate for help and everybody will have disappeared. DH and I would really love it if you could come out when the baby is about a month old and stay for a couple of weeks." You need to defend yourself and your birthing space and your weepy, emotionally overwrought postpartum state.

This is just so freaking far off the reservation that I don't even know what to say. I know that your dh must adore and the last thing he intends is to hurt you, but whyinhell would he invite his mother to come to your birth? Would he invite one of his buddies from the office? You probably know them about as well!!!!

(FTR, my MIL and I are very close and she may be front-and-center for this birth, since we now live close by. But this is my third birth. I have known the woman for TEN YEARS. It's a very, very different thing!)

 

[mysticmomma]

Is she staying with you? Where are you birthing?

 

[jeliphish]

How about eliminating everyone except your DH for the birth? I would be going insane right now if I thought my MIL was staying with us for three weeks....LITERALLY INSANE!!

 

[kriket]

My DH doesn't understand that I just DON'T KNOW my MIL either. Shes a freakin loose cannon. She may be the most wonderful person and grandma and bring me ice chips, she may be all up in my hoohaa telling me I'm doing it wrong.

You just shouldn't mess with a birthing woman by throwing these unknowns at her! You wouldn't go up and poke a cat as she's making her bed getting ready to whelp. Why would you throw a curveball at a human mama?!

To tell you the truth, I'm not overly thrilled about leaving my house half way through labor and having to get recomfortable somewhere else. That just seems like a huge set back and grounds for someone to yell "stalled labor! bring on the c-section!"

ick.

 

[philomom]

Not in your ddc but when did birth become a spectator sport?

I have a lovely yoni but I only share it with my dh. It is not for casual display, ever.

You have every right to NOT have her present if you don't want her there. And tell dh to grow a pair and tell his mom to come after you've had a babymoon.

 

[lotus.blossom]

I feel the panic that you are relaying!! First off, your MIL shouldn't have "informed" you of when she is coming in. She should have asked you what you'd like since it is your birth. Doesn't matter if she is nice or not. You probably know the old phrase "A watched pot....." I hope beyond hope for you that she isn't staying with you. If you can't do anything about her coming to town at least try to put her up somewhere else, at least until the baby arrives. You do not need to feel like you are playing host to anyone. She could be moderately helpful after the fact though.

Ugh. My MIL is a total mental case (and fortunately my DH despises her) yet she comes and visits twice a year. It it the worst 2 weeks of our lives. My DH is planning to tell her not to even bother coming this August when she plans to. Its nice having a one mind about the issue.

I'm sorry that your DH doesn't yet understand how you feel about the issue.

 

[Smithie]

I'm worried about the same thing, kriket - so much so that I'm renting a Doppler so I can stay home for absolutely as long as possible without worrying about baby's well-being. If I push out that baby in the elevator on the way up to the OB floor, that's comfortable enough for me

Just so I avoid stalling. Anything to avoid stalling...

... and I've had a great idea! Nukedwifey, why not have your MWs give your dh a big firm lecture about the tremendous risk of stalled labor if an unfamiliar person is present? Make it sound like he is callously risking a transfer and C-section if he doesn't make your birthing space comfortable (which is basically the truth)?

 

[nukedwifey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mysticmomma Is she staying with you? Where are you birthing?

Yes she is. At a birth center.

My DH didn't invite her here at that time. She did that herself. I knew she was going to come out after the baby was born but she said the end of June beginning of July. Then she said it might not be until later than that because of summer school, she works at the local HS there. So I was like OK fine, great, I don't need to worry. So I was sort of blindsided by this information. And when he got off of the phone with her he of course said "yay, now she can be at the birth." She is also coming back at the end of July with my SIL (she is in college and has summer semester up until then) and my DH's uncle from Mexico (who is awesome BTW). I can't really talk to her myself as she's very hard to understand and is really uncomfortable with English, in general. My DH just sort of doesn't understand "why this is such a big deal." I'm praying the baby comes early. That's about all I can do.

: My sister is supposed to be my doula. If I eliminate her I don't have one. I'm not paying for one when I have one in the family. I'm not completely comfortable relying on my DH to understand any of this as he is obviously clueless! He's never been to a birth and all of the natural birthing stuff is very new for him. My sister is supposed to help him if he panics or step in if he can't handle it anymore.

 

[Quate]

This is probably a silly question, but did she actually say she wants to be present for the birth, or is it just that she wants to be sure to be there when the baby is born so she can meet him/her as soon as possible?

I agree with the PP who said that she was a private person--for me, aside from professional birth assistants, I really don't want anyone besides my DH to be observing, not my best friend, not my mother, no how, no way. And even though I am extremely non-confrontational, I think if someone else wanted to show up during the birth, I would come up with a way to very politely tell them no--and really hope that would be the end of it.

 

[kcparker]

I'm not in your DDC either, but I feel your pain. My DAD decided to show up unannounced right before I was due (well, I guess he announced - he called from a hotel in Ohio with a cheery, "I'll see you tomorrow!" Say WHAT?). At least you have a little warning and can head this off at the pass.

This is obviously freaking you out in a way that is not going to translate into a groovy birth experience. You should ONLY have people there with whom you feel totally comfortable; having 'outsiders' will hinder the birth process and your ability to let go psychologically in the way you need to to give birth. DH doesn't have to understand, doesn't have to like it, but he has to respect that this is your hard work and you feel strongly about who can be in the Peanut Gallery for the event.

I would recommend that if he wants to be in the room, he should tell his mama very kindly, in fact, ask her, butter her up, that your family is coming for the birth, and you would both find it so much more helpful if she would come and pick up where they leave off when they depart. At 2/3/4 weeks out, you'll still be so grateful for help with cooking, laundry, holding baby while you take a shower. You need HELP, not guests, not gawkers. Also, this way, she doesn't have to "compete" with them for time/space/attention/tasks to perform. It will be a much nicer way for you to get to know her than if she is there before and during the birth itself.

 

[Smithie]

Oy God. I completely understand why you can't have this fraught conversation with somebody who doesn't speak English very well.

Do you think the MWs could persuade your dh to get on the phone and call this circus off? It sounds like you are up for plenty of family togetherness later in the summer anyhow!!!

One tiny crumb of comfort - since your MIL was apparently raised in a Spanish-speaking culture, she may be a whole lot less likely than a white-and-uptight MIL to sit on your couch and demand service from you during this visit. If you are able to relax about it (and I'm not sure that's a fair thing to ask of anybody!), you might find yourself being taken care of quite competently by somebody who was brought up to know what new mothers need (food, liquids, and a clean peaceful house).

 

[RasJane]

I'm in the opposite situation where I am just hoping babe waits long enough till my MIL is back from Scotland so she CAN be here for the birth.
I agree that your DH needs to stand up for you. But I also agree that not being white middle class, she might really have a clue how to help you out. But I don't think you need to get to know her over contractions!
Talk to your dh again. Clarify exactly what your MIL plans are. Make sure that SHE is the one who wants to be at your birth, not just your dh assuming that is what will happen. Could be miscomunication. If he still insists that she be there, tell him about how when a birthing woman is uncomfortable (for any reason-perceived threat or real) her labor stalls. It's basic biology, preservation of the species and all that.
If he still doesn't get it, talk to your midwives. They are probably used to running all kinds of interference. They may have the perfect solution.
I wish you luck. This sounds like an awful thing to have to handle right now.

 

[Punchy Kaby]

You are not going to want a visitor staying with you at all around the birth. If you are uncomfortable with her at all, it could keep you from going into labor at all, not just stall a labor. I know others suggested that you get your MW to help you convince your DH this is not a good idea, but I think you probably should do it yourself. I see in your siggy that you are newly married, this is a big issue to you and your DH is not listening to your wishes for a very private and huge moment in your lives. He is choosing his mother over you on the issue and you need to nip this in the bud now or you will be dealing with the issue over and over again throughout your marriage.

YOu have every right to have your family at the birth and not his.

Good luck!

 

[Punchy Kaby]

I wanted to add that c/s rates in Mexico are higher than they are in the US, close to 50% in some areas, so it is possible that your MIL is not well versed in natural childbirth and may have a similar attitude as many American women about natural childbirth.

 

[Quate]

Just wanted to add, sorry, we cross-posted before. So the second half of my post was kind of irrelevant.