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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I recently enrolled Skanda into a nearby preschool for 2 days a week, 3 hours a day.
It's $200 a month and we can't even really afford it.
But I felt he really needed it. He's only been 4 times
and he's already shown such a difference. BUT and this
is a huge BUT
On Thursday, he got in a fight with a girl. He was
pretty upset by it and kept telling me that his friend
scratched his train, crashed it and broke the train
tracks. I arrived late to pick him up that day because
Dimitrius tried driving without asking me where we
were going (I assumed he knew the way) and then got
lost and insisted on going home and letting me get
Skanda alone. So I ran in to pick him up and the
school director immediately ushered me to her office.
She said that Skanda pushed a kid and the teacher
intervened and he head butted the teacher. When they
got him to calm down, he started picking at himself
and making it bleed. She had this really disturbed
look on her face about the bleeding thing. He's got
mosquito bites on his face which he has picked to
bleeding/scabbing point and continues to pick at them.
He has this thing for picking. If he isn't picking at
himself, he's picking at the furniture or carpet or
something. Does that mean he's mentally disturbed?
She also asked me if he had any food allergies. I told her that
we don't give him apples or bananas because he gets really wild.
Maybe I'll look around to see if I can get NAET testing.

Anyway, she asked me how I handle it at home and I
told her that I usually bear hug him and then go to
his room with him and leave when he's not completely
wild and let him come out when he's ready. He's never
headbutted me but he has kicked and hit me. Of course
they can't do this at school since he has no room there. I also have an
appointment with Early Intervention but that's not til
August.
She just called me and asked me to keep Skanda home
Tuesday because Michelle (one of the two teachers)
will be out on Tuesday and they will only have one
teacher in the class. So now I feel like I should just
pull him out of the school
He really loves it and
was learning so much. I think it's mostly an eye
opener for him to have other adults teach him about
not hitting and cooperating instead of just me. They
have a Nonviolent Communication approach (the teachers
are trained in it)and a very nice way of running the
school. They don't teach anything. They just facilitate play and guide their interactions so no one gets hurt or anything like that. She never said she wanted me to take him out of the school, but I'm guessing she wouldn't even if she wanted me to? I dunno. I feel kind of sick about
this

Before school started that day, she had approached me
about putting Nadia in for free. She said she could go
on scholarship for the summer and I could start paying
in the fall. I wonder if she regrets that now?
I have a lot of questions and don't feel comfortable
having this conversation with her. I feel like a
failure.
Should I just take Skanda out? Another issue is that I
still owe $100 for the month of June and the summer
break is the last week of June. So he's only scheduled
for 7 (of the 9 days) and now he's only going to get 6
for $200? That's $11/hour and I'm there for 30 mins in
the morning and 30 mins at the end of school. So it's
more like $16/hr. Should I just send them a check and
never go back? Or not even bother sending them a
check? I paid them $150 deposit and $100 already. He's
only attended 4 classes.

I almost feel like this is too personal to post on here. But I need help

I think I'll go cry now.
 

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FIrst off,


That said, really I think if she wanted you to pull out your child, she would have said so. I do think you would be perfectly within your rights to ask for tuition to be prorated for the time you were asked not to attend. That just makes sense.

I've been on the administration end of child care and preschool. It sounds as if she is really trying to work with you. When you go to early intervention, if it comes to making an IEP, maybe you can ask her or one of Skanda's teachers to attend? That way, you will all be on the same page.

Kids fight, it happens. Some kids have a harder time adjusting to group learning situatoins than others. I don't think that neccesarily means they don't want him there.

Good luck.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by kavamamakava
:LOL AngelBee. I laugh when I see your smilies now

Everyone is.....
 

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I would keep him there. I think it's great that they suggested he stay home when there's only one teacher. If he needs a little more direction right now - it would be bad to send him when they can only provide a little, I think. It might make the problems last longer because he would get conflicting messages - you can do the prohibited activities when you can do them without getting seen, like when they're short staffed.
What you have described sounds like they really like him and like you, too.
They needed to talk to you because he got hurt or potentially got caught and he surprized them. It doesn't sound like a reprimand, but more of a report of the day's activities so you'll be up to date.
Of course he would need to leave if things don't improve, but you might ask them if they think that will happen. It doesn't sound like they expect anything other than continued improvement from him.

About the picking - it's normal to "worry" at things. Do you want to redirect the behavior? You could help him find a new subject, perhaps a special smooth rock from the seashore, or a new watch, or some other object that feels good. I don't think it's worrysome at all, except the small risk of infection from picking his skin.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks, Apricot

You found another of my whiny posts. Heh.
When Dimitrius called the director of the school he said that she told him that someone ALWAYS gets hurt when Skanda is there. That's strange because the first time I was there with him to see the school, no one got hurt. There was an incident where a kid grabbed a toy he put down next to him and he ran after the kid and yelled but there was no physical incident.
The first day he was there without me, I asked how it went and they said great except that he cried because he wanted to go home about 30 minutes before I got there. They helped him write me a note and get a drink of water and they said he was fine after that. So that leaves 2 days (besides the one where he headbutted the teacher) that I don't know the specifics on. But I touched base with the teachers when I picked him up and asked how it was going every time. They never had anything negative to say. I have no idea where this ALWAYS thing even comes from except that it indicates to me that they view Skanda as a major problem.

I showed Skanda how I lightly smack a mosquito bite when it itches and he's been doing that today rather than picking. I've also been keeping his nails short and putting ointment on his scratches every night and morning. It was just the expression on her face when she mentioned the picking. Like she thought he was a mental patient. Ugh. And if the behavior is within the realm of normal, why were they so focused on it?
 

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Hey,

I'm sorry about the issue you're facing. It sounds to me like there is some very big communication issue going on. And you're in Seattle, so there's that sheen of politeness and passive-aggressive communication where nobody's feelings are supposed to get hurt, right.
It sounds like the director is not being completely honest with you about what's going on, or her perceptions, or perhaps the teachers are not being direct. Direct? In Seattle? That's wacky talk.

We have a little friend who also picks at himself (at every little mark)...and while it may be not the cutest thing on earth to see, it is a method of stress relief. Children are bizarre little beings. My daughter bites her lip until it's all chapped. People do some weird stuff for stress relief, but by adulthood they've just figured out how to do it in private. Maybe the director bites her toenails at night, but she sure wouldn't want you to know about it.

You might need to be the somewhat more assertive person in this relationship, it sounds like. Perhaps a meeting between the four of you (partner, teacher, director, yourself) to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding issues and strategies regarding your son's perceived aggressive behavior? Can you come into the classroom to observe one day and try to watch your son's behavior unobtrusively (some schools have watching windows)?

You might also look into schools that have a large amount of diversity in the classroom - i.e. children of varying developmental, socio-economic, racial backgrounds - if your son's school is not like that. Teachers who have to deal with all sorts of kids sometimes have better patience, understanding, and tools in their bag 'o' tricks. Some children need more direct communication than NVC. Our picking friend goes to a school like this, and the teachers don't even give it a second thought, other than to put band-aids on if he agrees.
 

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I'm so sorry - its so hard when you get icky feedback about something your DC is doing. It sounds to me like he just needs the opportunity to work on how he interacts with others. School is a big change and even though its not a really 'structured' environment its still sort of 'school' in that there are 'teachers' and other 'students'. I am sure that he will adjust - he just needs to focus on using his words to express himself. They should really know better than to suggest a child leave a school after ONE incident. Especially when he's only been there for 4 visits. That's absurd.

I hope you find the support you need and that this resolves itself without more upset for either of you!

Jenn
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by kavamamakava
It was just the expression on her face when she mentioned the picking. Like she thought he was a mental patient. Ugh. And if the behavior is within the realm of normal, why were they so focused on it?
It's probably her thing. I've got my own pet peeves - certain noises or certain animals make me shiver. She may have a blood phobia or be worried about disease transmission in the classroom.
If she is looking at it as a sign of distress, she may be concerned about his stress level. You are saying it's just his thing to do, but she may not know that's it's his normal daily activity.

And loraeileen may be on to something. Seattlites can be a little passive agressive.

I still think it sounds like they like Skanda and want Nadia to come, too.
 

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Big hugs to you. It sounds like you only want the best for your little one.

I suggest facing what is hurting you head on. Ask to meet with the teacher (maybe the director too) and just tell them your hopes and fears for you son like you would tell us. Ask them how they would suggest you work together to help your son "do better" with some of the things that trouble you (you said he hits and kicks at home too). Momma, there is nothing wrong with the fact that sometimes it "takes a village." That does NOT mean your little sweetie is mentally disturbed. You need to get over that real quick. If your son is high needs or has some quirks that would benefit with early intervention, then it truly will take a team approach and you can't be sensitive to that. And needing some intervention and structured plan on what "to do" with a child by no means makes them "disturbed." Hon, I think you are responding to the teachers from a place of shame. If it is a good preschool, then they like your little guy and want success for him, and that probably means all of you sitting down and getting on the same page about his habits and quirks and as a team coming up with ways to deal. Maybe even solutions. But you have to go into it knowing that concerns about behavior don't mean they think your son is disturbed or they don't want him (if they do just write off "bad" kids, then you are better off not there).

It also sounds like you were late for a pick-up that day. There is nothing that gets on the wrong side of a school more, so impatience about that may have colored the compassion they could really feel. When you say your DP/DH insisted on being taken home, do you mean to allude that you had a fight with your partner before picking up child? If so, then you would of course have felt even more vulnerable about it all. Does son see you and hubby fight? Is that maybe part of the equation? (sorry if that was intrusive, just trying to think of anything that could help your DS).

I'd meet with the school and put your fears and concerns about DS out there. I bet they respond by all of you trying to come together with a good approach. If not, and they are smarmy, then you havn't lost anything and you put your pride and stuff aside for the good of your son.

More big hugs for you two.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you everyone. It's helpful to get feedback on the situation from people who aren't emotionally blindsided like I am. That's so funny about Seattle, loraeileen. I've been here 1 1/2 years and I'm just learning that's the way Seattle is. I've only interacted with a few people and family members who aren't really native to this area for most of the time I've been here. I did make friends with the neighbors behind me but they moved to Montana
But that sounds so true. I almost felt like I was in the south where people are super nice and smile but there's something really weird and unsaid beneath the surface.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Oh yeah Kincaid. It wasn't really a fight, he was just stressed about getting to work on time (he had tons of time) so wanted to go home and get ready rather than go to the school after getting lost. I guess he didn't trust that I knew he would have enough time. I'm one of those cut it to the last second people and he's one of those get there an hour early people.
 

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One more thought- if you do go through early intervention and get a diagnosis of some sort and an IEP, and the behavior is related, they really can't just kick him out, because it then becomes part of a learning disability, and they will have to make reasonable accomodations. If there is more than one teacher in the room, they might try shadowing him. When I taught toddlers we had to do this all the time when one of them went through a biting phase.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I hope the Early Intervention appointment is productive. I made the appointment back in April. I tried getting in sooner but they said that was the only appointment I could get for my zip code. I live in an area with a large immigrant population so maybe they are bogged down with getting interpreters and translators for these little kids from Eritrea. The form they sent me had a lot of questions about whether or not the kid speaks more than one language or how many languages are spoken in the home or if the kid knew english, etc.
 

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Are you in the CD/South?

There is a nice preschool that does all Reggio Emilia in that area, I think it operates on sliding scale. Martin Luther King something preschool. It's super cool, very diverse, etc etc.

You can PM me if you want any information about schools. I'd be interested to hear which school you're using now, and what you're planning to do next year (public school?).
 
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