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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Despite the fact that their dad has lived with us their entire lives, my dc have been nearly "solo parented" by me. Ds12 has issues with this, but ds5 has been "blissfully" unaware. He seldom asks for his dad's involvement, and is used to getting a brushoff or a token effort.<br><br>
Due to this and other issues, stbx and I will be separating after the holidays. I told stbx 7 months ago that I wanted a divorce, and we've been civil since then. I don't <i>think</i> ds5 is picking up on any new tension.<br><br>
But, yesterday at bedtime, ds5 wanted me <i>and</i> stbx to put him to bed. Stbx putting him to bed is "new" this year-- he does it once a week, and ds usually begs for me instead.<br><br>
This morning, I was about to take the dc to our friends' son's birthday party. Ds5 started begging stbx to come too. Stbx said no. Ds started crying, and said "You never go anywhere with us, Daddy-- PLEASE come this time!" Again, stbx refused. He said he had to stay home and do a certain chore (which did not get done, btw <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">).<br><br>
Ds kept begging, and stbx said "Today was the first I heard of this party, anyway." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"> Saying that, to me, implies that he <i>would have</i> gone if he'd been told about the party. Bull. For one thing, he probably would not have gone if I had tatooed it on his dang forehead weeks ago. For another thing, I <i>had</i> been talking about the party, in specifics, for at least 3 days in front of him. I'm so tired of him trying to slide out of every freaking situation by trying to lay the blame on someone else (usually me)!<br><br>
So, ds5 just had to go to the party sad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Fortunately, the mood didn't last long. My mood hasn't recovered, though. Why does my little guy choose <i>now</i> to become interested in his father? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/crap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crap">
 

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Because he knows something is up. Kids know way way more than any of us give them credit for. Therapy for you and your DSs is not a bad idea, it can help you all learn to cope with the messed up life they've had so far (no matter how you tried to shield it, their "father's" actions have hurt them badly) and move on... he's set an example, especially to your older DS, of how to treat his family and your DS is old enough that without help, the cycle will likely continue. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I wouldn't wait any longer to boot his butt to the curb. You can make the holidays wonderful for your boys, it's going to be miserable with him around anyway right?
 

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some people say that a boy really needs his father (or other male role-model) from ages 6-14. Boys will also naturally become more interested in his father or a male figure during this age. So if his father doesn't want to be around, I would suggest looking into finding another strong, trustworthy male figure to bring into his life.<br><br>
Check out the book <i>Raising Boys.</i>
 

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I agree - he knows something's up. It must be heartbreaking to witness. Hugs to you, mama!<br><br>
After the separation, I agree, counseling with you and the two boys would be great if you can afford it. They are going to have a lot of angry feelings to get out, and a lot of wistfulness for the great dad they'll invent to memorialize the slacker who is moving out.<br><br>
In your shoes, I'd do my best to arrange some counseling after visitation at the absolute minimum. Maybe even counseling without you present, so they can tell the truth without feeling like they are taking sides between you. The worst possible thing is to let the bad feelings fester.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I would like to take the dc to counseling, but right now I'm more worried about finding a place to live that I can afford. Even with cs, I don't think I can afford to keep the house, and rents are comparable. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I "have" to wait to separate until after the holidays-- otherwise I will have my stbx-in-laws descending upon us, or pressuring stbx to bring the boys to visit (without me). I don't think any of us are prepared for that.
 
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