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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We had a baby on the 8th of August, and I knew that meant quite a bit of change and adjustment for my son( well, for allof us but him especially).<br><br>
So, here it is three weeks later. My son is SO angry with me.He told me he did not like me anymore about four times today. He is having such a hard time.<br><br>
I had been trying for the last few months of my pregnancy to get him used to sleeping in his "big boy" bed..a toddler bed a foot away from mine.<br><br>
This is not working. He fights that the entire way." Momma I need a drink, Momma I want to give you a hug, Momma I want another kiss, Momma read me another book, I am not tired"...etc. etc. etc...<br><br>
Every night is like this. I am so tired it is not funny but I have to go through the hour of stalling he puts forth and it is breaking my heart.<br><br>
I wish I could just take him into my arms in bed and hold him like I used to..but there is this tiny little baby there now and he has NO idea how strong he is and he is clumsy and hurts her with out meaning to. So..I have to protect her and I am hurting him at the same time and it hurts me to see it.<br><br>
During the day if he and I are alone togethor( my mom is here helping out) he will do things that are not allowed and fight with me over mundane things..especialy the diaper change.<br><br>
Today I had to practically hold him down to change and incredibly foul poop diaper. I was So wiped out by the time I was done! Why does some thing so simple have to be so hard?<br><br>
Today at the store, we were having lunch and my Mom walked awy from the table for a moment( she smokes...I know..i know..) and so I was ther with Emily in my arms and Paul..who decided that was his point in time to mis-behave by getting out of his chair, wandering about, shoving things, laying on the floor and attempting to run away from me.<br><br>
I was ready to cry by the time my Mom came back. I am turning into a big B*tch as well. I grabbed his arm at least two or three times today to get him to just STOP doing what he was doing.And I was angry when I did it and it hurt him.<br><br>
I am NOT pleased about this, and I wish I knew what to do to make him happy or soemthing. I feel like a complete miserable failure as his Mother. I treid and tried to make sure things would good for him after the baby but they aren't..I am short tempered and tired and I want him to just STOP acting up.<br><br>
He willl not listen to me half the time and says " I like Gramma Suzie better than you" on a fairly regular basis.<br><br>
Needless to say,this hurts.<br><br>
I feel like I am somehow losing my child and I am not sure what to o. It seems like all I say is "no/please dont do that/dont hurt the baby..etc." I sound like a broken record .<br><br>
I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> I'm so sorry it's going this way. Respect yourself, too, and the huge ordeal your body has just gone through. Could your Mom hold Baby for a little while? Could you snuggle w/ds as Baby naps?<br><br>
I have no answers but whatever you do, just be ready to step back and give yourself a timeout when you get frustrated. I KNOW how totally exhausting and draining it can be. My sons are 9 mos. and 2.5 years.<br><br>
I've always told #1 that Baby was HIS baby and he takes care of him like a little doll. Can he have alone time w/dh? Could you get him a "toy" or a "pet" or something he can attach to at the moment?<br><br>
Later, it might be nice for each of you to have alone time w/each child. Even if it's just a trip to the grocery store.<br><br>
It WILL get better. Just keep loving them and taking some mental breaks for yourself.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
PS: For the first couple of mos., we all slept together. Now, dh sleeps w/#1 so it's THEIR special time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Would that work?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama.<br><br>
My dd is exactly the same age as your ds, although my 'baby' just turned a year old, so we went through this a year ago. It is so tough, your hormones tell you to take care of the baby, but your ds is also a baby, and needs you.<br><br>
Bedtime was a biggie for us too. I recall just sitting on the bed in tears myself several times in the early days. We worked out a bedtime routine that gives some 1:1 attention to dd#1. I nurse the baby, then give her to dh to take for a walk in the stroller, when hopefully she'll go off to sleep. I then go to bed with dd#2 and snuggle with her alone in the bed. This gives us a chance to reconnect if things have been stressful, talk about our day, and me tell her how much I love her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
Dh then brings the baby back, and if she's asleep, just parks the stroller. I usually get a bit of a sleep too - in the early days, this was an added bonus! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> When we go to bed together, the baby is between me and the wall, then dd#1 on the other side, so she can't roll on the baby, and dh next to her. For a while, she hated being on the other side of me, but now she's used to it and I can manage to turn from one to the other in the night if they need me.<br><br>
If you can manage it at all, I'd forget the 'big boy bed' for a while and get ds in with you, however hard it might be. I think that might make your daytime behaviour much easier. I also avoided times in public, like restaurant, for a good while as I knew it would be too much for dd. In fact, I avoided most situations where we'd come across other people and I'd have to worry about behaviour, and we stuck to spending time with good friends who understood what it was like.<br><br>
How about getting Grandma to take the baby once a day for you to do something alone with ds? Your hormones will be screaming at you to focus on the baby, but I found that when I scheduled it and stuck to it, it made things much easier in the long run.<br><br>
Finally, be easy on yourself and rest assured, it will all work out fine. Dd told me to send the baby back on more than one occasion, but now they are the best of friends, and the other day she told me to have another baby as our baby 'isn't a baby anymore.' So, if I do have another, I'll just go through the same thing again with dd#2. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:
 

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I have found that doing things alone with the older child (even if it's only once a day) helps a lot. Like dh will hold the baby while we go into older ds room to build with blocks, or read a book, or I give him a bath. At bedtime we've had the toddler between mom and dad and the baby between mom and the bedgate. While nursing the baby I told ds to cuddle up to my back and I'd reach my arm back to let him hold. Once the baby was asleep I'd turn around to cuddle with ds (if he was still awake.)<br><br>
I have 3 kids, and I guess I've just tried to keep our daily lives as normal as possible when adding a baby. I have tried to just do the same things we used to while holding a baby, or having her in the carseat near us. You do have to be careful about not leaving them alone in the same room together (like when I shower I put a baby gate in my bathroom door with the baby in her bouncy seat inside the bathroom.)<br><br>
My 3 year old still says we should have the doctor put the baby back in my tummy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> I just keep telling him that she's here to stay!<br><br>
Your baby is still pretty new at your house, things will get better. The best approach for me was to resume life as normal as soon as I could, and to just incorporate the baby as a regular part of our lives. I was pretty matter of fact about it with both of my older two, and they seemed to adjust pretty quickly. I think they need to see that you can care for the baby and still care for them too. I know when I was pregnant with #3 my older son (then 4) said "you are going to take care of the baby, who is going to take care of us?" and I just told him that I would still take care of him just like I always had and that mommies can take care of everyone just fine! YOU might not always think so, but your son doesn't have to know that!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Welcome.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="welcome">ild
 

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Wanted to give you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to P also.
 

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I am sorry this is so hard on you. (((HUGS)))<br><br>
One thing I thought of reading your post (other than, it will get better soon, just hang in there), is if you could try sidecarring a crib to your bed for either the baby or ds to sleep in? We sidecar-ed our crib (just took one side off and attached the crib firmly to the bed) and it worked wonders.<br><br>
Things will get better though, you are an AP mama doing your best, can you imagine how hard this would be if your kids were being raised by someone non-AP? You ds is lucky that you are trying so hard, and it will make a difference, I promise you that.
 

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My son was 3 y 5 mo when our second was born, and I have to say what you're going through is NORMAL. I thought I'd have this beautiful, nursing cherub in my arms while Ben and I played Candyland in my clean house, and that using the sling would allow me to make dinner and Ben would be content to google at the baby...NOT.<br><br>
My son did the "I like Daddy better" comments. My MIL gave me great advice: Just say, "Oh, I'm so happy you love (Daddy, Grandma Suzie, whomever) so much!" and leave it at that.<br><br>
Running away/breaking rules/pushing boundaries when you're nursing or most vulnerable: my second son is 17 months and Ben still does this, though not nearly as much as when Reilly was a tiny baby. I just learned to think ahead and to prevent situations (like being in public) as much as possible. I also went/go over the rules before going into a store or a public setting.<br><br>
Your baby is only 3 weeks old. Right now, she's a slug who takes up Mommy's lap (in your son's mind). And my son was very touchy/clumsy with the baby and I really got Mama bear about it, putting TOO MANY restrictions on my older son's access to the baby, which I regret now.<br><br>
Give yourself a mental break. you're still healing form the birth, getting nursing established, dealing with DH and DM, and helping your son adjust. Can he spend some 1-on-1 time with you, DM, or DH? Even 45 minutes playing Candyland or going for a walk alone can help.<br><br>
Good luck to you, and remember--it's all normal.<br><br>
Mel
 

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My kids are 23 mos apart and we went through this to a lesser degree b/c dd didn't have the verbal skills. I felt so awful for the better part of the first 6 mos. If I was giving ds what he needed, dd was crying and feeling neglected, if I was giving dd what she needed, ds was crying. It will pass. It will get easier. No advice, just understanding.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Britishmum</i><br><b>If you can manage it at all, I'd forget the 'big boy bed' for a while and get ds in with you, however hard it might be. I think that might make your daytime behaviour much easier.</b></td>
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I agree. My son was very jealous when I had my last child. He even wanted to start nursing again and tried to push the baby off of me so he could nurse. :LOL Anyway, we all shared a bed. One on each side of me, or my older son would be beside Daddy on the other side. It worked out well for us.
 

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"I wouldn't take your son back into bed, simply because of the way he might see that. Sure you can compromise, but to reverse a decision might make a lot more problems down the line."<br><br>
Sorry, Hils, I have to disagree. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Sometimes, I think it's fine, and even <i>necessary</i> that we say to our children "I'm sorry, I didn't realise how important this was to you. I'll change my mind/decision on this."<br><br>
My older dd is exactly the same age as the OP's ds, and I know that for her, to give up her place in the family bed for a sibling would spell disaster both for her comfort level, and for her feelings towards the sibling. If Avonlea's ds is really having such a hard time, I'd bring him back in with me and sort out what happens down the line, down the line.<br><br>
Of course, if he mellows quickly and easily without this, and Avonlea really doesn't want to bedshare again, great. But if not, he's a baby too, and at this age I believe it is a need, not necessarily just a want, to be in bed with mama. Especially when feeling thrown by a new arrival.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for the suggestions and hugs and reassurances that I am not alone in this.<br><br>
I do not have room for the crib/side car thing, unfortunatly. We have a California King sized bed and it takes up a huge amount of space AND cannot be moved anywhere else in the room because it is an air bed type mattress and has to be plugged into the wall.Not exactly my idea but oh well.<br><br>
I did hold him in my arms today for a nap and let Emily lie in his "big boy 'bed. He was not all that thrilled that hse was in his bed...I never gave that one a thought really..so surprise there for me.<br><br>
I guess I will just have to take each day as it comes, but why it has to be so hard I don't know.<br><br>
I want to have Paul back in my bed, but I am so afraid of something happening to Emily..basically I am frightened that Paul will rollon top of her somehow and kill her. So..I lay there in bed at night feeling awful that he is sitting up in his bed telling me wants to sleep with me and I have to say no...<br><br>
I tried laying in the middle of our bed with one baby on each side..but because of the way the mattress is designed and made, there is nothing in it so I am laying on a gap .Very uncomfortable to say the least!<br><br>
nak now....I have "issues" myself from when my little sister was born and So Badly wanted to avoid similar things with him.but I don't know how I really can.the realityof it just that some one is ging to feel sad because i cannot please both at the same time..which hurts. i did not want it to be that way.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

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No advice...just a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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