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Oh my, oh my. I didn't like the idea of her not finding out that 1) She wasn't invited to the birth and 2) That we had the baby at home (with a midwife, but whatever, don't think that fact will matter) *after* the baby was born, but it seemed the easier solution, no nagging and freaking out prior to the birth (she's not one to listen to other peoples sides, she'd rather gather horror stories about whatever she disagrees with to throw onto the fire), and after the birth hey there's a baby now stop your fussing and be an adult or go away! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Now I get why Dh wants to tell her. She's going to be filling in for me with my daycare during my maternity leave and it would be best to not burn bridges. He thinks if we break it to her gently it would be better so she's not horribly hurt afterwards.<br><br>
Unfortunately I don't see her taking either point very well. And I see her getting her entire family into trying to convince me about the error of my ways. I shouldn't have to worry about someone else's feelings about attending MY birth, but her emotions will definitely affect us, that's for sure.<br><br>
Dh and I have agreed to speak about the subject more, he's not going to ignore my feelings about this all and tell her anyways (thank goodness!) and even said "tell her 2 days before the baby is born!". So he gets the neverending nagging I would recieve, although he is a bit blind to his mother's crazy ways (she flipped out when she found out we were naming our first Orion, to the point of hugging herself and rocking back and forth muttering "I just love him so much already, I just love him so much already" after screaming at us about how "only *black* people name their kids crazy names!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">... I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time) and thinks she might take it *well*. Which would only happen if she already thinks homebirthing is a good idea. And generally most of the population whom are not educated about homebirth don't generally think its a great idea without research if they are open minded enough to do that research.<br><br>
Ugh! Craziness! I'm thinking about letting her know she's not going to be invited nicely in a few months (I can't tell her the real reasons, she was trying to control even my birth, yelled at the nurse for giving me food before inducing me, complained that my doula didn't rub my feet as good as she could, and argued with me when I couldn't take it anymore and needed an epidural as I had so many wires stuck in me and up me that I couldn't *move*), so she at least doesn't have the disappointment of finding out she wasn't there afterwards...<br><br>
But I simply can't see her not flipping out completely and finding all of the mainstream resources citing homebirth being dangerous, and finding every possible horror story she can of out of hospital births to scare me/Dh with (and involving her other children/husband to do so as well).<br><br>
We spent an hour at therapy talking about just this last night.
 

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Ohh, momma! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">:<br><br>
I wish I had some advice! I don't, really - I'm going through very unwelcome family stuff too (uninvited members of my family just showed up at my wedding on Saturday).<br><br>
What we've decided is that my husband's job is to field calls from people who want to upset me, and maybe that's what your husband can do, too? Let your MIL know that her upsetting you equals her upsetting the baby, and that if she loves her grandchild, she'll understand that and bite her tongue. I've stopped picking up the phone when my family calls, because they can't listen to, "I know you're upset, but this is our decision" without telling me that it makes them suicidal or so angry that they don't want to hear from me...<br><br>
Just take care of you. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this!<br><br>
(And Orion, by the way, is a BEAUTIFUL name!)
 

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I didn't want my mother at this birth, for a variety of reasons, and so I asked her to stay with my older dd during the birth. This made her feel like she is helpful (which it is), and also avoided "uninviting" her, which would have hurt her feelings.<br><br>
Is there something else your MIL could be responsible for during the birth, so she feels involved, but isn't present? A distraction, so to speak?<br><br>
As for the homebirth issue, I would make it clear from the outset that it's not up for debate or discussion, and wouldn't bother trying to convince her of anything. I would just remain firm, and refuse to engage with her. Maybe just repeat the same line until she gets it, something like "This is a personal decision, we have researched it, and it is not up for discussion." The more important point to get across to her, to my mind, is not that homebirth is better, but that where you birth is no one's choice but yours.<br><br>
Anyway, none of this may apply to your situation and your MIL, but I wanted to try to help. Good luck with it all!
 

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We didn't discuss ANY specifics about the birth plan at all, to anyone, until about a month before I was due. We didn't *lie* - but we didn't correct their incorrect assumptions, either. Then, we politely told both parents that we wanted them to know that we're having the baby at home. My dad said "I figured". My mom was significantly uptight, but she knew better than to harass us. I'm sure she asked tons of questions, which we answered very matter-of-factly. MIL was full of questions, and even though she didn't approve, she wasn't too obnoxious. My DH was the filter, so I never had to talk to her directly about it at all. They ALL knew that we were in the care of a mw, they just didn't realize it was an independent CNM - instead of the mw group who delivered our first DD in hospital. I think that the fact that they knew we were getting prenatal care all along made all the difference, but if we'd told them early in the pregnancy, they wouldn't have "known" that.<br><br>
Now, with Baby3, they all know better than to ask where it will be born <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
--janis
 

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Hey Lisa, I was bored at the midwifes office today and reading an US magazine a few months old and some celeb had named their child Orion. I meant to remember it for you, but the visit distracted me and now I don't remember who it was. I was thinking maybe it was someone your MIL liked and in a year or two she'd start telling everyone that naming him Orion was her idea <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I think Kelley's suggestion is excellent, let your DH take the brunt of it, and if she tries to talk to you about it just say "oh you'll just have to talk to your son about that"
 

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I ditto the advice to tell her at the last possible minute. I mean, not while you're in labor, but maybe in the last few weeks.<br><br>
I think that is what I'm going to end up doing with my Mom, Aunt, and sisters/brothers. I haven't told them we're having a homebirth - I fear their reaction. I don't know what they'll say/do. I don't want to deal with any of it.<br><br>
My IL's are remaining quiet about it, but I haven't sensed any unpleasantness from them about it. I felt more comfortable telling my MIL than I ever will telling my own mother. I just know my mother is going to tell me I'm ridiculous and I don't want to hear that.<br><br>
I think wait it out. She sounds too judgemental to want to be educated about it, and too set in her ways to change her ideas about it.
 

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I don't really have any advice, just a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and I wanted to say, hang in there! And you never know what the reaction is going to be. I was freaked out about telling MIL about our homebirth with DS#1, and initially she was nervous... And then she realized that she herself (and all her brothers and sisters) were born at home, and she was fine with it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
Let your DH deliver the news and field the questions. And avoid the subject with her whenever possible.
 

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Definitely a big ole' hug for you. It sucks to be so excited about something and then when you think about sharing it, you realize you will just get unsolicited advice and unreasonable anxiety.
 

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Just tell 'em what they NEED to know, which like pp's have said, is probably not that much. You're getting prenatal care and taking care of yourself.<br><br>
I picked up the habit in my last pg of referring to my OB by her last name only, no title. I'm not sure how that happened exactly, but we did get bumped around quite a bit amongst the doctors in her practice because she (my OB) was also pg at the time and had to go on her maternity leave in the middle of my pg.<br><br>
You might try that: just tell MIL your midwife's last name, and skip the title. And start dropping hints about how "quickly" second babies come. She can't be angry at the baby for coming "too fast". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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Sometimes I wish I had supportive ILs who cared about us and our children, but when I read threads like this one, i'm kinda glad they ignore us most of the time. I would hate to have to think about someone else's feelings during something as special as labor and delivery. We will also be asking my mom to watch DD, because she was a lot of trouble at the hospital last time and had to be restrained.<br><br>
I think there are times for compromise, and there are times where other people must accept your decisions without discussion. I would leave it open for as long as possible, and then tell her your plan, mention that it is not open for discussion, and make a special request of her that will make her feel needed. Get your house ready for the new baby, get food for you, anything. If you were doing a hospital birth, you could go with the old "only two people in the l&d room" rule, which would keep her out, but homebirth doesn't have "inconvenient" rules like that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Hope you find a good solution!
 
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