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I read somewhere that 15% of marraiges are sexless. I am frustrated to admit that I am in that 15%.<br><br>
DH and I have not had sex for...are you ready for this...19months. Yeppers, that's right folks. A year and a friggin half. It's not me, it's him.<br><br>
When I got pregnant, his excuse was having sex with a baby in there grossed him out. Ok, fine.<br><br>
After baby - his excuse was he was afraid I would squirt him with milk. (pllllllease)<br><br>
Now - it's just been so long that I think we are at the point where it's just plain awkward.<br><br>
I am feeling very frustrated with him. I feel like I live with my brother. We are best freinds and have so much fun together, but there is no intimacy.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It doesn't help that he sleeps in another room since DD sleeps with me - he insists he cannot sleep with her. And the fact that I am still nursing DD bothers him.<br><br>
*sigh* am I all alone in this situation? Don't tell me to be the one to spice it up. I am sick of trying and being turned down. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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Oh luckylady...I feel for you. I lived like that once, not with Ron, but before.<br><br>
I want to suggest counseling...but I know there aren't many counselors who support an "ap" lifestyle...cosleeping, "extended nursing" and all. Perhaps if you got a recc. from someone you trust. How does your dh respond when you talk about it? Is he defensive? Interested? You know that all of those reasons he is giving you are just excuses...they are not the real issue.<br><br>
I am sorry you are going through this. Please pm me if you want to.
 

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No advice, but <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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luckylady, you are NOT alone. I am struggling with these same issues. (Just recently, I started a thread called, "is counseling ever a bad idea?") It has been about a year since dh and I had sex, and we are already at an awkward phase. Since our second child was born, the only time we had sex on a semi-regular basis was when we were TTC our third child. And that's not to imply that things were great before our second child.<br><br>
Part of me wants to accept things as they are. When I don't let resentment (over feeling unattractive and wishing for dh to be different) get in the way, I can see that dh and I can get along quite well. But it is HARD when your marriage is so far off from what our culture tells us marriage is supposed to be. I, too, often feel that I am "married to my brother" (or in my case, the brother I never had).<br><br>
I can't decide if counseling would help, or just open a kettle of fish I don't want to get into. Do I really want to hear that dh just isn't attracted to me? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> And would that REALLY help us get along better?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I don't have solutions, but I know what you're going through.
 

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Yeah. Me too. I can completely sympathise with you. Except I am the one not wanting it. It isnt that I dont want sex, I REALLY REALLY do. But not with him. We are currently in counseling and have many issues, 11 years worth of built up resentment has it to the point where at times I do not even want his FOOT touching me in bed. I try to over come it, but it is soooo very difficult. I think we have had sex two or three times since ds2 was born(see his birth date in my sig).
 

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You are entitled to physical intimacy from your partner, that's part of the deal. Sounds like your DH is the one with issues here, probably stemming from since your pregnnacy and now his new relationship with you as a mother and him as a father. Pregnancy and parenthood can dramatically alter relationships, particularly the physical aspect of them, and I think most couples can benefit from counselling to reassess where they're at, what their needs are, how they're being met (or not), and what needs changing. Good luck with it...
 

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i've only been with dh for two years but right now the sex has decreased. it actually decreased when i became ill during my pregnancy (pre eclampsia PIcongestive heart failure) and of course after birth we had to wait six weeks and since then we have had sex only a handful of times. DS is now five months one week. i love my husband and love to cuddle and crave being near him, but im SO FRIGHTENED of getting pregnant again. i wont use hormones because it might affect milk production <i>as well as</i> i am sensitive to hormones and become profoundly depressed when on the pill or progesterone.. i also loose my sex drive, like when i wzs on prozac.<br><br>
so we are left with condoms (yuck) and vaginal film and gel (not bad but im terrified of getting preggers and that isnt enough of a barrier)<br><br>
im at a loss as to what to do. the fear of getting pregnant seems to be primal now. i just shut down when i begin to think that kissing might lead to sex. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/oops.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="oops">T<br>
Geekgolightly,<br><br>
Have you thought of having a copper IUD inserted? I know that some people aren't comfortable with them for a variety of reasons but they really are safe and totally trouble free, no hormones and VERY effective. Just a thought...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>luckylady</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I read somewhere that 15% of marraiges are sexless. I am frustrated to admit that I am in that 15%.<br><br>
DH and I have not had sex for...are you ready for this...19months. Yeppers, that's right folks. A year and a friggin half. It's not me, it's him.<br><br>
When I got pregnant, his excuse was having sex with a baby in there grossed him out. Ok, fine.<br><br>
After baby - his excuse was he was afraid I would squirt him with milk. (pllllllease)<br><br>
Now - it's just been so long that I think we are at the point where it's just plain awkward.<br><br>
I am feeling very frustrated with him. I feel like I live with my brother. We are best freinds and have so much fun together, but there is no intimacy.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It doesn't help that he sleeps in another room since DD sleeps with me - he insists he cannot sleep with her. And the fact that I am still nursing DD bothers him.<br><br>
*sigh* am I all alone in this situation? Don't tell me to be the one to spice it up. I am sick of trying and being turned down. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
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<br><br>
I could have written every word of that. Even the 19 months. And we've been married for a year, so our 'newlywed' period never happened. Not even sex on our wedding night.<br><br>
I feel so sad about it that if we try to talk about it I just cry so hard and he just doesn't know what to say and usually doesn't say anything and the conversation ends with me wishing I hadn't brought it up. But in a very G rated pleutonic way, we are cuddly, sweet, and affectionate towards each other. I just need so much more.<br><br>
I don't know what to do either!
 

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oh, butterfly, can you write him a letter about what you want? you've got to tell him somehow! he probably thinks you are holding the cards?--waiting for your move.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> luckylady...i just wanted to tell you that my dh & I weren't having sex at the beginning of our relationship b/c I wanted it & he didn't (too tired)...now, 8 years & 2 kids later, he's buggin me every frickin night. So I think if you talk lots (maybe to a friend or counsel), relationships can totally turn around. Do you guys have a close intimate personal friendship? Can you tell him anything.<br>
Now this is not to be construed as "play hard to get", but you gotta admit, a certain amt of mystique in a relationship is NECESSARY. When my dh is tryin to crawl on top of me every night, I just can't get it going. When he was not wanting me, I wanted sex all the time. Just a suggestion, but maybe you could put sex out of your mind (I know, it's not easy) and focus inward. Focus on feeling yourself, your sensuality. Do some yoga, or belly dance and really feel how amazing you are, how your muscles move, how your body creates life. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, without worrying about impressing him. I'm just thinking, if you put that vibe out, you're gonna get it in return.<br><br>
P.S. ladies after two years of not wanting sex, it's slowly getting better (the less he pesters me) I was up at 3 am last night & actually initiated sex!
 

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I just talked to him about it and he agreed that we should try to 'set the stage' more often, so to speak (time for us when DS is asleep for the night, watching movies and cuddling or whatever), and let things flow naturally so he doesn't feel pressured on any given occasion. Sounds great in theory, but we've come to this conclusion many times, basically every couple months when we have 'the talk' about this. Nothing ever changes. I'm so worried I'm going to go berserk with this sex drive of mine that keeps getting stronger and stronger and have an affair, or at least want to (which is really bad too!). More likely is that I'll just end up bitter and when I start getting older and look back and realize I was such a cute girl with a major libido for many years getting NOTHING in return--what a waste when I have so much love to show him physically!<br><br>
I hope things improve... luckylady, what about you, have you talked with him at all?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>luckylady</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">After baby - his excuse was he was afraid I would squirt him with milk.</div>
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Ha! That is my husband favorite thing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> Different strokes for different folks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
My best advice, take it slow, get some alchohol and forget the last nineteen months.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>luckylady</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">After baby - his excuse was he was afraid I would squirt him with milk. (pllllllease)</div>
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Hmmm, dh seems to think that this is a sign he is "doing something right" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"><br><br>
Seriously though, after the birth of our first baby, things were, well weird between the two of us. We went a long time without any physical relationship and we stopped talking. Not purposely I don't think, just I don't know what happened. We were like room mates. And the more I thought about it, the more stressed I became, the less likely I was to talk, which made him feel the same and well you can see where this is going.<br>
We got thru it though. It did take a long sleepless night of hashing some stuff out but it was worth it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>luckylady</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I read somewhere that 15% of marraiges are sexless. I am frustrated to admit that I am in that 15%.:</div>
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I could have written this post. Except for 2 things: I really don't like my DH much right now, and I haven't since DS was born, for the most part. And because of my feelings for him I don't want to have sex with him either. I gained a lot of weight with DS, and I haven't lost any of it. That's probably a major problem for him. He's tired from work. He won't sleep with us (DS and I) so he probably can't see a time or a place for it. And DS is a very clingy guy, so I'm not even sure we could get a time and place, when we are both showered, and neither one of us is sleeping. (We work opposite shifts to keep DS out of daycare)<br><br>
I feel like we are roomates too. Roomates that don't share household duties or care about one another. He's been such a jerk to me. I know he used to love me. And I know he loves DS. It just seems like he can only love one person, and that person is not me. I'm glad that he loves DS, I don't mean to sound selfish. I don't even like to be in the same room with him. The real problem is that I do have sex drive, just no urge to be with him.<br><br>
Yes, I know, we need couseling. I'm 100% positive he wouldn't go, and we couldn't afford it anyway. If things don't change I'll probably leave him as soon as DS is old enough to start school. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

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((((Leetah))))--- I am so sorry. Hugs to you. Have you just asked him straight out if he wants to try to work on things to see if they can get better? I think that even if it doesn't work out, you'll feel better in the long run if you can look back at your marriage and know that at least you tried, and you were at least willing to work on things even if he wasn't.<br><br>
As for me, I'm sick of these really great talks that lead to no action. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Meaning literally no a-c-t-i-o-n, baby! haha! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Leetah.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Butterflymom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">((((Leetah))))--- I am so sorry. Hugs to you. Have you just asked him straight out if he wants to try to work on things to see if they can get better? I think that even if it doesn't work out, you'll feel better in the long run if you can look back at your marriage and know that at least you tried, and you were at least willing to work on things even if he wasn't.:</div>
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I haven't talked to him about the sex, because, like I said, I don't like him very much because of other areas in our life, and I flat out don't even want to be around him. As far as the other things are concerned, he has no consideration of me and what I go through. For instance, when he comes home from work, he has to take a "break", meaning he immediatly disapears out back to have a cigarette (another issue: we both decided to quit smoking when I got pregnant, but he hasn't even tried. At least he doesn't smoke inside) and he'll be gone for a half an hour, before he can "deal with" DS. But when I come home from work, he has to take a break as soon as I walk in the door, disapearing for a half an hour, before I even get my coat off. So it doesn't matter what my day is like, his is worse. That's just one instance of his level of concern for my wellbeing. I went through some fairly serioue PPD, after Avian was born. My mom had died 3 months earlier, and Avian was unplanned, (although he was wanted) but I felt like my life was spiraling out of control, (and I have slight control issues <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">) He could care less. I had to debate with him to breastfeed, co-sleep, no-(more)vax is our current argument. He often spends $$$ we don't have on his extracurricular activities,<br>
but we had an argument about buying the sling (which we still use everyday) and a breast pump, (which I only used twice <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: ). Whenever I try to talk to him about anything, he gets defensive, I'm "nagging" him, "harping" on him, "get off my back", even if I just ask him the simplest question. That's why I know we need couseling, we can't talk to each other. I'm not really sympathetic of him either, I know I'm not. I often think about how I could have made the situation better be saying this, or doing that, but his lack of caring for my needs doesn't make me want to go out of my way to care about his needs, and vice-versa, I'm sure. It's a vicious circle, and I don't know how to end it.<br><br>
Thanks for the support and the <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> 's. Sorry for hyjacking your post, luckylady, to vent about my issues. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">:
 

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ummm, gee. I feel like quite the whore reading this thread. DH is always ready to have sex even when I'm not. I will admit that sometimes even if I'm not in the mood, I'll give in because for one, it doesn't take long once we get started for me to be in the mood, second I do thoroughly enjoy it and third he just makes for a much better partner when he's getting some on a regular basis. I know thats ounds bad but really, he helps out more, more cheerfula dn will do damn near anything I ask, as a result sex is a given probably 5 out of seven days in our house, oh and we've ben married for 8 years.<br><br>
i know this sounds strange but maybe you can go see a sex therapist. I don't have any exepriance except what I see on" real sex' but I think they may be able to touch base better and get you back on track.
 

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If you read the OP, something like 15% of marriages are sexless. (I'd bet it's even more, since it's something most people wouldn't want to admit to, not in this sex-obsessed culture.) It's not as uncommon as you might think.
 
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