we have two bio kids and one baby girl adopted from Korea. I'd love another sibling from the same area but the reality is we haven't paid this one off and we can't afford it. I worry about her seeing her brothers and not looking like them. I worry so much about this right now she's 14 mos and doesn't notice <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> . We went to an adoption playdate/picnic today for the whole family...it was so fun to see all these children that looked alot like her. I feel so much better about not adopting again. I think we will continue going to these playdates with the hopes that Abby will make a best friend that looks like her growing up. I know it's not the same as a sibling but it's the best we can do right now. I don't think I worried this much about my bio kids. I saw Starr's post and wanted to post there but didnt want to hijack. LOL Being an adult is sooo hard isn't it! One other thing I never expected my 4yo keeps saying that Abby's mom misses her! I've tried to tell him that we are her mom and dad and yes her mom does miss her but they couldnt' take care of her an trusted us too. I never thought the 4 yo would bring up these things I thought it would be Abby herself. I guess he's giving us a heads up on whats coming. Parenting is hard! But so worth it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
Ok how do i word this
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parenting IS hard.<br><br>
One thought -- my 5 yo Dn has started asking if the carrot's mom misses "him" when they eat dinner --or when we see a horse in teh field as we drive by "where are the kids" or "where is the mom and dad"..............<br><br>
part of it seems to be just exploreing family relationships -- lableing people and how they fit together.<br><br>
so that MIGHT be part of the 4 yo's behavior.....<br><br>
other than that -- doing what you are doing -- reminding the child you and DH are the parents. maybe adding that you will always be Abby's folks....<br><br>
Could the 4 yo be afraid that Abby's birith parents will take her back -- on some level or for some reason? and THAT is why the 4 yo is wondering if the BM misses her or something?<br><br>
Aimee
One thought -- my 5 yo Dn has started asking if the carrot's mom misses "him" when they eat dinner --or when we see a horse in teh field as we drive by "where are the kids" or "where is the mom and dad"..............<br><br>
part of it seems to be just exploreing family relationships -- lableing people and how they fit together.<br><br>
so that MIGHT be part of the 4 yo's behavior.....<br><br>
other than that -- doing what you are doing -- reminding the child you and DH are the parents. maybe adding that you will always be Abby's folks....<br><br>
Could the 4 yo be afraid that Abby's birith parents will take her back -- on some level or for some reason? and THAT is why the 4 yo is wondering if the BM misses her or something?<br><br>
Aimee
Hmm I bet he is just exploring relationships and since he knows she has parents he is trying to figure out what happened! Thank you Aimee I have a degree in early childhood ed and couldn't figure this out! LOL Thank you for enlightening me! I hope we can find her a good friend and she can take turns spending the night at each others houses and looks similar etc so she has someone to share her deepest secrets/desires in case she doesn't want to share with us (obviously we would want to be her first choice). Anyway i'm rambling and not making sense now. I just want her to be happy in her skin!
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2nd attempt -- DS messed it all up first time --<br><br>
i could be wrong -- but when you think about all kids in his age rage (or at least more of them) doing the same thing (with VEGGIES even in the case of my DN who saw the seeds planted) you have to think it is a milstone of sorts as colored by the family situation. just an idea<br><br>
also<br><br>
could he be "fishing" wanting to know YOU would MISS him, or that YOU would look for him, or that you are not going to find him a new home?????? that has to be tough for kids to get their minds around -- adpotin is complex and emotional enogh for adults <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
on an other point -- i don't think you need to stress about your DD haveing a freind that looks like her. I think it is an excellent idea to support her in meeting people who are adopted (dom or IA) so she has a peer group with a similar expereince to gorw with and know -- as opposed to knowing only Bio kids...but i don't think they have to be Aisan -- espically as she is not old enough to have remembered living in Korea (in which case a contact who also remembers it might be a benfit to her). I think the shared adoption expoierence is enough, not having to look like her. JMO.<br><br>
Aimee
i could be wrong -- but when you think about all kids in his age rage (or at least more of them) doing the same thing (with VEGGIES even in the case of my DN who saw the seeds planted) you have to think it is a milstone of sorts as colored by the family situation. just an idea<br><br>
also<br><br>
could he be "fishing" wanting to know YOU would MISS him, or that YOU would look for him, or that you are not going to find him a new home?????? that has to be tough for kids to get their minds around -- adpotin is complex and emotional enogh for adults <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
on an other point -- i don't think you need to stress about your DD haveing a freind that looks like her. I think it is an excellent idea to support her in meeting people who are adopted (dom or IA) so she has a peer group with a similar expereince to gorw with and know -- as opposed to knowing only Bio kids...but i don't think they have to be Aisan -- espically as she is not old enough to have remembered living in Korea (in which case a contact who also remembers it might be a benfit to her). I think the shared adoption expoierence is enough, not having to look like her. JMO.<br><br>
Aimee
You are probably right. I'm overthinking this! I just want her to be happy and well adjusted with who she is. I'm sure we'll go through rough times just like we will with her brothers! She's so amazing and fun and we love her so much. I'm going to have a talk with her brother and make sure he knows we won't be losing him in case he is thinking about this because he probably is. Thank you!!!
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but we would not be parents if we didn't over think everything from college, preschool, which frozen veggies to buy and what pjs to put our kids in.....................<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
I think it is wonderful you have a son that is so sensitive!<br>
It sounds like he is wondering what many people do- I wonder if Abby's mom is thinking about her and misses her. I would be honest and tell him of course she does. Any mother would.<br>
Also just because Abby was not in Korea for long and may not be able to tell you about it- she was born there and she is Korean.... so knowing Korean people would benefit her I would think. I am certain your adoption agency must have information about this? As well as numerous mothers of international adoptees on this board.<br>
She will be facing life as a Korean person- something you do not share with her and knowing people of her same ethnicity would be a great gift you could give her. Even if not in the form of another sibling.... which imo is not neccesary and sounds a bit like Angelinadom.( sorry- it does!)<br>
Hugs mama.<br>
Em
It sounds like he is wondering what many people do- I wonder if Abby's mom is thinking about her and misses her. I would be honest and tell him of course she does. Any mother would.<br>
Also just because Abby was not in Korea for long and may not be able to tell you about it- she was born there and she is Korean.... so knowing Korean people would benefit her I would think. I am certain your adoption agency must have information about this? As well as numerous mothers of international adoptees on this board.<br>
She will be facing life as a Korean person- something you do not share with her and knowing people of her same ethnicity would be a great gift you could give her. Even if not in the form of another sibling.... which imo is not neccesary and sounds a bit like Angelinadom.( sorry- it does!)<br>
Hugs mama.<br>
Em
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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">so knowing Korean people would benefit her I would think.</td>
</tr></table></div>
i agree<br><br>
another thought<br><br>
does a locla university have a program -- where you could go to art fiars, or she would go to kids acitivites (as she grows up) or take language lessons -- at her age level, not the college classes. or you could meet other Korean families, or people?
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">so knowing Korean people would benefit her I would think.</td>
</tr></table></div>
i agree<br><br>
another thought<br><br>
does a locla university have a program -- where you could go to art fiars, or she would go to kids acitivites (as she grows up) or take language lessons -- at her age level, not the college classes. or you could meet other Korean families, or people?
my neighbor is from korea and at the playgroup there was at least 5 families with korean children. Plus my sons are about to start korean karate in our town and they teach a bit of language there. I'll look into some of the other things too! Thanks mamas.
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Well 2 thoughts here.<br><br>
First, You don't know what the future holds regarding another adoption from Korea. We thought we would only be getting our oldest daughter from Guatemala and then 4 years later, here came a second baby girl. So you never know.<br><br>
Second, when we brought home our second daughter, our first daughter who was almost 5 at the time, kept playing an imaginary gime. She and the baby would get on the floor and she would meow and say, "We're 2 little kitties and no one wants us. Someone just threw us out." Then my husband and I would say, "Oh that's terrible, we want you, will you live with us?" Of course the answer was always YES.<br><br>
I think this was her way of dealing with adoption. She always knew she had been adopted and knew her baby sister was adopted, but I think she just needed LOTS of reassurance that we wanted her/them. She seldom "plays" that game anymore, although they both will still go in the closet and meow.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Sandy
First, You don't know what the future holds regarding another adoption from Korea. We thought we would only be getting our oldest daughter from Guatemala and then 4 years later, here came a second baby girl. So you never know.<br><br>
Second, when we brought home our second daughter, our first daughter who was almost 5 at the time, kept playing an imaginary gime. She and the baby would get on the floor and she would meow and say, "We're 2 little kitties and no one wants us. Someone just threw us out." Then my husband and I would say, "Oh that's terrible, we want you, will you live with us?" Of course the answer was always YES.<br><br>
I think this was her way of dealing with adoption. She always knew she had been adopted and knew her baby sister was adopted, but I think she just needed LOTS of reassurance that we wanted her/them. She seldom "plays" that game anymore, although they both will still go in the closet and meow.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Sandy
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I can't really speak to the adoption aspect personally, since I didn't actually adopt anyone, , but as to the race issue...in our family, we have 1 child who looks different. We are all white (light skinned, blond/ lt brown to boot) and 1 of my stepsons is Indian (as in, from INDIA). He was adopted by my husband when he was with his ex-wife. My husbands bio-kids with his ex are all white, he and she are white, i am white...etc.<br>
This has never been an issue for us, the kids have never expressed any discomfort....in fact, the adopted one didn't know he was adopted until he was...um...10 or so? They all accepted the explanation that God makes people different colors...and then when he was old enough, he got to know why he in particular was a different color....
This has never been an issue for us, the kids have never expressed any discomfort....in fact, the adopted one didn't know he was adopted until he was...um...10 or so? They all accepted the explanation that God makes people different colors...and then when he was old enough, he got to know why he in particular was a different color....
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I think you are wise to make sure that your dd knows lots of Korean adoptees and Koreans in general as she grows up.<br><br>
I've got two children from China. Mine are now 9 and 6, and the older one, especially, is of an age where she is processing all the identity stuff. I will admit that I think it is hugely beneficial for her to have a sibling with a similar history. But it is also helpful for her to know many other internationally adopted children, as well as to have many Chinese and Chinese-American friends and older adults in her life. My best friend also has a child adopted from China, and we make sure our kids spend time together on a regular basis.
I've got two children from China. Mine are now 9 and 6, and the older one, especially, is of an age where she is processing all the identity stuff. I will admit that I think it is hugely beneficial for her to have a sibling with a similar history. But it is also helpful for her to know many other internationally adopted children, as well as to have many Chinese and Chinese-American friends and older adults in her life. My best friend also has a child adopted from China, and we make sure our kids spend time together on a regular basis.
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