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Ok mamas, lets lay our fears on the line...

1218 Views 35 Replies 22 Participants Last post by  Shanana
Of birth that is...

We all have something that we're secretly (or not) concerned/affraid/pettrified of about giving birth. Lets help each other through them...

I am affraid of not being able to handle the pain and disappointing my midwife.

I am still pettrified of having a c-section although I am not affraid of birthing a breech baby or whatnot. I DO believe my body will get that baby out. I am cursed/blessed with childbearing hips afterall. LOL I just do NOT want someone to cut my body open... I just cannot wrap my head around that concept. ICK.

I am affraid the people I've asked to be at the birth are the wrong people and I'm too chicken to tell them I don't want them there. I am a HUGE push over IRL and can't stand to hurt anyone's feelings or have them mad at me. I internalize other people's moods and feelings so it is very important to have supportive, happy people who trust birth there.

I'm affraid my DD won't want to go with my MIL since she has been having issues with her ever since MIL punished DD for something DD didn't even know was wrong. So I think DD is hurt and embarrassed and doesn't want to be at MIL's house.
But I really don't think DD would handle seeing her mommy in pain and making noises.. unless they were funny noises, but screaming and crying she would NOT handle well. And I really have no idea how I will be.

Jeeze... I didn't even realize I had so many concerns. I think I just need to talk about them to get past them. Any advice or other fears anyone wants to share?
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It's so crazy that you posted this today- for some reason I have been thinking about my fears today.
The biggest thing I worry about is my baby's well being and my well being. I don't know how mamas get through losing a baby, and I guess that's why it's so scary to me, because it is a pain so deep that I can't even imagine it.
I really needed to tell someone that. Thanks for asking.

If any of the people you've asked to your birth start driving you crazy, just ask someone to ask them out of the room. It is your baby's birth, and you need to be able to relax and let your body work. Don't spend one minute having anyone in the room that inhibits that! Believe me, when I was out of my mind with pain (12 hrs of pitocin, no pain meds), I had my mom, dad, dh (all with whom I was comfortable), and my mil, fil, BIL & HIS FIANCE in the room watching me! I still get po'ed thinking about it. I also think it prolonged my labor! I have already informed them (all in-laws and sig others) that we will call them AFTER the baby is born and they can drive up (from 1.5 hrs away) when they get the call. Hmph.
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Okay, I will bite.

I haven't confronted my mom with the fact yet that she isn't invited to the delivery.

I am worried about how my 4 year old is going to adjust.

I am nervous about the early weeks of breastfeeding (I had a really difficult time with the first month with dd).

I worried about getting a bad epidural (I don't want an epidural but I am more afraid of if I get one, it being bad).

I am worried about if I don't get an epidural, IF the pain is really bad, how I will feel about that.

I am really worried about tearing badly again, although my midwife has assured me I can get through this without tearing.

I am worried about adjusting to having two children and having a baby again. Also, dd was the easiest baby ever. She hardly ever cried and slept through the night very quickly. I am worried about how I will be able to handle a baby who cries if this baby cries a lot.

Mmm.... that is pretty much all of my fears. I think it is enough!!!
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I'm worried that baby will be posterior.

I'm worried about having a c-section.

I'm worried that Adam will have a hard time adjusting to a new baby since he still sleeps in our bed and likes to cuddle with me in the mornings.

I'm worried about being pressured into doing things I would rather not do in labor.

And the strangest worry is about going into labor in the middle of the night. I don't want to labor on no sleep.

Originally Posted by anamama
The biggest thing I worry about is my baby's well being and my well being. I don't know how mamas get through losing a baby, and I guess that's why it's so scary to me, because it is a pain so deep that I can't even imagine it.
I really needed to tell someone that. Thanks for asking.
This is my biggest fear and the one I try as hard as I can not to let into my head.

Otherwise, I fear having a "bad" birth experience. I had a horrible, horrible experience last time (medically everything was fine, but the midwife was absolutely from HELL and she made the day into the single worst day of my life), and I'll be delivering in the same hospital and possibly encountering the same midwife. (They do things a bit bass-ackwards here in Sweden where pre-natal midwives and delivery midwives are not the same and you never know who you'll meet when you go to the hospital to deliver. Oh yeah, and homebirths aren't an option where I live.) I feel like I can stand up for myself and make sure that things go the way I want them to this time, but I'm afraid that I'll have to be angry and confrontational, which will mar the experience even if I do end up getting my way.

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I'm petrified I'll have bonding issues with this baby after the c-section like i did with Joshua...

and I'm scared to death about the thought of trying to care for all 3 while recovering. I may have 1-2 weeks of help, but really don't know that yet.
i'm also worries about my baby's wellbeing. what if there is something wrong and i don't know what to do? i have a feeling i'll be calling my midwife 10 minutes after she leaves with all these questions and worries.

but the thing i am most worried about is not having enough stamina to get through labor. this is my first baby so i've been told labor will be *at least* 24 hours. i know once i go into labor, i will NOT be able to go back to sleep (i'll be too excited and running around like a chicken with their head cut off). i don't want to get frustrated and want it all to be over with when i'm hardly even ready to push. everyone says that stage of delirium is what you need to get to to be able to handle it, but i just feel like if it's a long time coming,i'll feel like i can't do it,and that is the LAST thing i want because i know a lot of the dialtion phase is mental.

also i have this constant worry that no matter what i have for the birth, i will not be ready. like i said, i feel like i'll be freaking out in early labor, and i won't want to go get all these things i've heard are good in labor (watermelon,etc.)

i think that's about it for now. i feel like i've been really calm and welcoming throughout this entire pregnancy (i'm a pretty calm person in real life), but all these paranoias and worries have been starting to surface since i'm reaching the home stretch.

woooooooooooooo! i feel a huge wieght has been lifted off my shoulders.
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ok...this got me thinking a bit more.

as of right now, my baby is posterior and i'm afraid of back labor.

also, my EDD is 7/23. my mom and bro are flying in from FL on 7/19,staying with us for 2 days,then driving around colorado and hanging with the in-laws till the baby comes. what if i go into labor those 2 days? i can NOT have my mom around when i'm having the baby. she will totally inhibit me from doing what i need to do to open up. funny thing is, i would love to have my bro here. he would keep me laughing and be really supportive the whole time. we have basically been best friends my whole life.
I'm worried that the baby will not be able to maintain his own sugar level without assistance, and that he will need glucose to acheive it.

I'm terrified of the c-section that is becoming more and more of a real possibility. My OB did slightly ease my fears about staying in the hospital for 4 nights, said I could go home after 2 nights if me and baby check out okay.

I'm really worried that all these contractions might magnify and I go into labor, and then baby get shoulder dystocia, and then something terrible result.

I'm confident in my ability to deliver a baby that I KNOW my body grew to a regular size.....but I'm not confident at all about this delivery because of the amount of insulin it has taken to regulate my blood sugar with the GD, I'm really becoming concerned that he really might be one of those really big babies with really big shoulders. I have a fundal height of 44cm, -5lb personal weight gain, and u/s continues to show a big baby....I KNOW those u/s weight deals are guesstimates right now, but I personally believe from prior pg's that he is much bigger than my dd was (8lb 0oz), and my OB external palipitation guesstimate is that he is around 9.5lbs right now....according to her office staff she is more accurate than u/s...

So, there's my fears in a small nutshell. And my last big fear has to do with postpartum depression...but I'm prepared for that this time, and I've been medicated for regular variety throughout this pregnancy. My dh is amazingly supportive, and so different from my ex, surely that will help to curb some of the feelings of "I just can't do this" and the "I'm a terrible mommy" feelings that I had after Dorothy was born.
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Hmmm....what's going on? I had a freak-out last night and wanted to started an "I'm scared" thread today...the planets must be up to something.

I'm scared that my dh, my doula (who hasn't been to a birth before, but she is a close friend) and my best friend, will not be helpful at all, and leave me to panic, and otherwise not know how to help. I'm afraid that I should not have asked my bf to be there, and that my labor will stall because I am afraid of being primal in front of her. Today I just decided to tell her that I may ask her to leave at any time during the birth, and I feel o.k. about it. I'm feeling my protective-mama energy kicking in!

I'm scared of breastfeeding in front of my father and step-mother. I'm afraid that they will show up at the hospital when the baby is on my boob, and my milk will stop flowing, and I will get upset. I am also afraid of that happening when they come for a visit at my home. I also have a ridiculous fear that they will walk in the door while I am in labor. Guess I have lots of issues with them!

I am afraid of my family and dh's family staying too long for visits, when all I will want to do is hole up with my dh and new baby.

I am afraid that I won't have any idea what to do with the baby. I'm an only child, and have never been around babies and children, especially not an infant.

I'm afraid of having panic attacks (which I am prone to) and doing throroughly nutty and irrational things because of them.

One thing I've learned to be strong about while pg is that NO ONE has the right to intrude on any part of your experience. Not family, not friends, or their aquaintances. After a while, it even starts to feel good to say NO! We MUST do what is best for us, mamas, because that equates with what is best for our babies. If you're having second thoughts about someone you've invited to your birth, tell them that you have the right to ask them to leave at any time, for any reason. We need to concentrate on getting our heads in the right place to labor openly and freely. We've solved the meddling-relative problem by deciding to not tell anybody when I'm in labor, except for those that need to be there. We won't call my family, who lives close by, until we are comfortable, and have had time to meet and adore each other. Probably several hours after baby is born.

Thanks for the topic!
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I am planning a UC, so that's where I'm coming from...

I had a dream about going to the hospital to have the baby last night, but it wasn't traumatic or anything. That made me think that even if I decided to transfer, everything would be good.

I worry about my dd bothering me during labor. I don't have anyone I would leave her with, and I really want her at home during the birth anyway. I just want to be able to labor alone if I need to do so. I hope dh can wrangle her without her getting upset. Kids know when we don't want them around and my dd can get clingy if she senses that.

I hope I don't poop all over the house. I just read a great birth story and the Mom talks about how she pooped on the floor, etc. (annakiss's birth story
). Her midwife cleans it up. I hope I don't poop all over my house and gross out dh. I am afraid if dh has to deal with too much "gross stuff" he will want a midwife next time just to clean up and deal with these things (he is really squeamish and afraid of blood).

I am afraid my MIL will accuse me of being a "bad" DIL. When dd was born, I wanted alone time with her, but FIL came over every day. I love FIL, but I couldn't bf modestly in front of him at that time. I locked myself in my room during much of his visits. MIL said I was rude.
Now they live in the same city as we do. I hope that decreases rather than increases their desperation to see the baby (last time FIL was visiting us from abroad for a short time). I want them to see the baby-- I do-- but I need private time, too.

I am afraid of losing my baby, too. (G-d forbid!!!) I am also afraid of being blamed for anything that might go wrong, especially because I've chosen UC/homebirth.
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Binah-I'm not familiar with some of these terms-I assume UC means you will be unassisted? I think that's really incredible, good for you! I just read a new book, "Adventures in Natural Child Birth," and they had a section in there on unassisted births-they were very inspiring. I am in awe of you strong women who know, without a doubt, that birth is a very safe event.

Originally Posted by cheeseRjedi
ok...this got me thinking a bit more.

as of right now, my baby is posterior and i'm afraid of back labor.

I know this won't be ANY consolation, but Logan was posterior and I had back labor. I was thrilled when Adam was anterior...but I had all back labor again. Apparently my doesn't do front contractions. I am not afraid of that pain anymore because I feel like I got through it very well last time with a lot of focus.

Originally Posted by VioletMommy
Binah-I'm not familiar with some of these terms-I assume UC means you will be unassisted?
Yep, UC is an abbreviation for Unassisted Childbirth.
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Now, I didn't even put a fear of a c-section because it isn't even on my radar. I am so afraid of c-sections. I told my midwife, really, she will need to give me some calm down drugs because if I end up with a c-section, I will freak out. I had 3rd degree, uterine laceration tearing delivering dd and ended up in surgery for 3 hours and all I could think was thank goodness I didn't have a c-section.
Well I can reflect many of the same fears here too.
Loss of child, and gosh loss of me too, and what would my dh do, my oldest son asked me that tonight.
Or Fear of an ill child, or my becoming ill and being hospitalized much longer than wanted.
Fear of a c-section, really not on my want to do list!
Fear of no help either. My older boys have been really icky lately, and I fear them causing me more stress when I really need their help and cooperation. DH works long hours so he only helps when he can.
My dh is comming to me with fears of him not being here or labor happening when he can't just get away from work. I told him it's much better now with this new job than with his other when he was a 2-3 hour drive away from home.
Fear of my mother coming to stay, I have some issues with her that I just can't seem to come to terms with and afraid of the added stress would unleash my frustration with her, but she is very helpful, but I don't know if I would appreciate her help.
This is very timely in light of the recent unheavals I am facing. I am scared that the baby will continue to be tranverse and that I will have to deliver in the hospital with my MW's OB backup rather than laboring at home and delivering at the birth center.

I am even more scared that baby will stay transverse and a C-section will have to happen.

I think what frightens me so is that this pregnancy has been good overall so much better than when I was 18 and pregnant with my son, I love my MW and now that things are shaky I am scared that all the positiveness of this pregnancy may be going out the window.

I am scared of what happens when we get the baby home, I had just turned 19 a few days before having my son and had a ton of help from my Mom, granny, and former MIL. Now I am on my own, so when people say things like I am a old pro that is not really true. Due to my age at the time, I allowed the older women more leeway so in some ways while this is my 2nd baby it feels like the first, plus that was 13 years ago.

Of course there are the fears like what if something is wrong. Its weird because I have spent this pregnancy not even entertaining these sorts of thoughts and now am being bombarded with them.

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OMG, Maman and everyone, can I say I'm so glad it's not just me? The stuff on my other fear thread is still present, but I'm dealing (no tub, no best friend, no notes from old class, new hospital)...

But there's a lot of post- stuff:

Family visiting (we're allowing MIL and Stepmom to stay with us this time as we have no real help here in LA) - In general they all stress me out.

Worried that this baby will also get sick after birth and we'll be back in the hospital in pediatrics, which, based on our last experience was worse and more horrific than any birth drama I could imagine short of ER or losing a baby - I ended up delirious with sleep deprivation and baby was in pain and my milk came in with no pump, no help...DH slept on the floor....horrid, and I think, it put us back a good month or so.

DH going off to work AND grad school, and us with less money and how am I supposed to take care of TWO kids all alone?

I worry that despite clear u/s pics that this babe is a girl, it will actually be a boy and then we have to go to through the whole circumscision thing which I really do not want to do, but the whole family, Jewish thing comes up and I know I'll cave and that just pisses me off, and what if I don't cave? Then everyone yells at me for weeks. I am a wuss.

Re: C-section. I won't even read the chapters on it. I really don't feel it's a possibilty for me, don't know why. And if it is, well, I just can't deal. Then it will be what it will be, KWIM?

But I am worried about staying home too long, or getting to the hospital too early cuz who knows what this birth will look like?

I worry about having to fight back or bicker with a nurse or OB about something like cord-cutting, or drinking juice, and getting annoyed b/c DH is not stepping up and taking care of stuff.

And I'm worried about who will take DD b/c everyone is out of town or across town or without cell phones....sigh.

But I tell DH this and he just looks at me, completely confident. You will do this. You will be fine. I am not worried.

And I'm like, "You fool! How could you NOT be?" But he's weird. He's not usually so steadfast. But about this, there's not a doubt in his head. It's surreal.

But mostly, I miss my mom. I wish she was here. Even though she did drive me nuts as well, I really realize how much I needed her, how much she helped me feel I was taken care of, my baby would be taken care of - even if she had to hire someone else to do it.
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Fears...I have definitely been having a LOT lately

One big one is that I won't be able to deal with the pain. I keep hearing my MIL over and over in my head saying "well you needed drugs with Riley's birth what makes you think you won't this time?"

I fear that my DH won't be a good coach...bad I know but he doesn't do well in stressful situations even though he looks like super coach at bradley class

I am super worried about DD. I panic when I think about her not being an only child and how she will adjust.

And I am super afraid of having a c-section. I know my chances are supremely lowered because I am doing an out of hospital birth...but still scarry.
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I am scared of what other people will want to do to my body - of feeling out of control because of too much monitoring, and above all ending up with a cascade of interventions.

This time around I am not so much afraid of the pain, because I handled it so much better than I expected last time. And I already have my borrowed TENS machine sitting in the cupboard - that gives me a sense of being prepared!

I am scared of going into labour before my mum gets here (at 38 weeks) because it will probably mean dh trying to organise someone for ds while I labour on my own. And I want him there with me.

I am scared that I won't be able to labour comfortably at home with my son around.

Above all, I am scared of not being able to get my baby out and needing a c-section after all.
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