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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I apologize ahead of time about the novel I am about to write. A little background. With my first pregnancy (with DD1) I did the AFP test thinking nothing of it. Just thought it was routine. The test results came back that something was wrong. I still had hope that whatever it was we would get through it and love our child no matter what. I had to go to a specialist ultrasound to do a 4d scan to confirm something was wrong, and to find out what exactly was wrong. I remember sitting in that horrible waiting room with all the other pregnant mamas waiting to go in and get their news. Every one kept getting called ahead of me, even the mamas that got there before me. Finally I was the last one waiting in there with my mom and my husband at the time. I was scared as to why they left me for last.<br><br>
I went in the room and was laying there in the office. before they sent me in they said do not be surprised at the demise of your fetus. I tried desperately not to let those words get to me. I said its ok, Im going to deal with it. We will get through whatever it is. As soon as the dr put the u/s machine on my belly I instantly saw a moving baby. I had quick relief that the baby was still alive. At this point we didnt know what we were having and asked the dr if he could tell us by the end of the scan, he agreed. He kept going over my belly and I didnt notice anything unusual about the u/s image on the screen, then again it was my first and didnt know what to expect. After a few minutes of quiet the dr said "has your OB talked to you about Anencephaly?" I said no, not that I can recall. He went on to explain that my baby could not live with this condition. After he said this I didnt hear anything else he said... my world collapsed right then and there. I dont think my mom and husband grasped what he was saying because they didnt have any reaction. I was an uncontrollable crying mess. It took me a few minutes after the dr and the tech left the room to control myself and my mom started crying and hugging me saying Im so sorry over and over and over again. I can just hear it now as if she just said it to me. we walked in silence to the car where we sat there for a few minutes crying our eyes out. This is when my husband broke down as well. I could not stop crying what seemed like for days. I didnt even get to find out what I was having.... or losing. 2 days later I induced and gave birth to my stillborn DD. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/brokenheart.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loss"><br><br>
With DS I had the AFP tests done and the levels came back normal but they still sent me to the same specialist to make sure everything is ok because even though you have a normal level something could still be wrong. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/uhoh3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Uhoh"> I had the same flashbacks and anxiety going back to that same dreaded office and re living my nightmare. Happily DS was fine.<br><br>
Well its time to have another flashback with this pregnancy. They just called me and told me my appointment is scheduled in 13 days. I have not even gone yet to get my second blood draw for the afp... probably tomorrow though. Though in my heart I believe everything is ok this time around I am still reliving my nightmare. I remember every detail of that horrible day like it happened yesterday. I remember *everything* I hate reliving it and it only freaks me out that in 13 days my life *could* come crashing down once again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/crap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crap"> Im so sorry to be ranting about this but it has really traumatized me and could use some hugs and positive vibes. I hope I didnt scare anyone with my story... that wasnt my intention or anything...juwt wanted to tell my story and release some of this pain and anxiety.
 

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Aww mama. I can relate. My last baby was born with very tight cord around his neck and we spent 21 days in NICU. Transferred from a beautiful home birth to the NICU. It was shocking and scary and I'm still "recovering"...<br><br>
The advice given to me: honor each pregnancy and baby as it's own. This baby has it's own story, it's own special place...I have to remember every day that this one is different. (and I have the same due date two years later too ugh!)<br><br>
Try and remember how wonderful it felt seeing your DS normal and healthy on that screen and meditate on that. I'm sure you've been given the whole "lightening never strikes twice" speech or something similar, and like me I'm sure it doesn't help much with the nerves. Take it easy mama, trust your heart, and come and talk as much as you want that's what our "ears" are for <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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Hi Mama,<br><br>
DDC crashing from June just to offer support and let you know you're not alone. My first pregnancy ended in termination after my CVS test came back positive for triploidy, a rare chromosome disorder incompatible with life. I still remember the day I got the news with perfect clarity. The shock and numbness followed by the most intense grief I'd ever felt.<br><br>
Needless to say, despite the fact that I had nothing but high hopes for my current pregnancy, I started dreading my CVS from the moment my OB scheduled it. I even asked to see a different perinatologist, just so I wouldn't have to "return to the scene of the crime" so to speak. On the day of the test itself I was a absolute wreck and during the three days of waiting for the results I couldn't eat or sleep. I just cried and prayed.<br><br>
Thankfully, everything turned out okay this time around, as I'm sure it will with you and your little one. At the same time, I can completely empathize with the fear you're feeling now. Pregnancy is such an amazing experience, in that we can't open ourselves to all the amazing and joyous possibilities without also opening ourselves to the small chance of pain and loss. For me, the only way to make it through is to remember that what's happening inside of me is a miracle and miracles are the providence of a higher power. I've done and am doing, all I can to nurture this little life along but at the end of the day, it's out of my hands and all the fear and worry in the world can't change that. When I think of it that way, it's a little easier to let go of bad feelings and let happier, more positive emotions through.<br><br>
I hope this was helpful. I wish you and your babe health and joy! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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I too remember the day I went in and told them Kamryn wasn't moving, in my heart I knew she was gone, but they just kept telling me that everything was probably fine let them take a look. My 3 kids (at the time) were sitting in the corner of the triage labor room asking me why I was crying and telling me it was ok, while 7 dr's and nurses tried to calm me and use all these different machines to find her heart beat or see her move. When the Dr finally confirmed what I knew had happened, I was screaming, my poor kids sitting there begging me to be ok. DH was at work, he was a fireman in the Air Force and couldn't leave until he got the news. The Dr called him, not to say labor has started for your wife, your baby is coming, but to tell him she was dead. OMG it's so hard to talk about like this, and it was just as hard to be 38 weeks pregnant again when B was born. In labor with a few contractions B's heart rate went super low and DH and I both FREAKED out, calling the nurse to come right away. Mama, I know how hard it is, and I'm so sorry that you're at this point again. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I just know she is fine. I'd go with you if I lived there mama, and hold your hand. Things are going to be great this time!!!<br><br>
I'm sorry I made you live through Kam's/my experience, I just wanted to share with you that some of us have similar experiences and we are all here for you when ever you need to vent and get it out of your system. We will also try to help you as much as we can mama. I'm thinking of you!!!
 

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No words of wisdom but wanted to offer a comforting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.<br><br>
I'm sorry for those of you who have lost little ones.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you mamas so much for being a listening ear and such a support. I'm so sorry for your losses and scares. I know the only way I can overcome this is to have a good outcome at my appointment. What sucks is that I must do this process for every pregnancy now. So I will have to face this again who knows how many times in my future. And it doesn't get less scary. Even though I've had a healthy child I know all too well anything can happen at any time. It scares the crap out of me. But I have faith all will be well with not only my pregnancy but all you ladies as well. Know that I'm thinking of all of you and your babes and am hoping for smooth pregnancies and labors. Much love ladies!
 

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you're anxiety is so understandable- wishing you lots of support be gentle with yourself.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama. love to all of you who have posted here.
 

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I got my weekly mothering email for week 15...and this quote instantly brought you to mind...I hope it's ok that I post it here <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
"Faith is belief in the unseen, the quietly held conviction that even though you can't imagine how, at some time, in some place, <i>in the right way</i>, the thing you desire will indeed come to pass."<br><br>
~Daphne Rose Kingman<br>
(italic's were my highlight)<br>
I'll be chanting this the next 6 months (and probably beyond...)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Crispie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14747598"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I got my weekly mothering email for week 15...and this quote instantly brought you to mind...I hope it's ok that I post it here <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
"Faith is belief in the unseen, the quietly held conviction that even though you can't imagine how, at some time, in some place, <i>in the right way</i>, the thing you desire will indeed come to pass."<br><br>
~Daphne Rose Kingman<br>
(italic's were my highlight)<br>
I'll be chanting this the next 6 months (and probably beyond...)</div>
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oh mama that was beautiful! Thank you for sharing! I will def be saying this to myself over and over till my little girl is in my arms!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>brooklyn_warbler</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14745418"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama. love to all of you who have posted here.</div>
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ditto this 1000x over!!! you are all such strong women! and i'm so sorry for your losses!<br><br>
OPM, i'll be praying for you and baby that everything is ok.
 

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Hiya - I second and third what all the other mamma's said, and I'm going to add something...IMHO, you went through a truly traumatizing experience, and I believe that there are some really excellent therapeutic treatments out there to help deal with trauma. I would suggest looking into them, and trying one (or more) that's right for you - talk therapy, hypno-therapy, what have you. I say this cause a lot of us try to manage on our own with self-help and often are really really good at it, but there IS other help out there that we shouldn't deny ourselves. Even a really great massage with a meditative component can make a difference...<br><br>
HTH...
 

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I'm sorry the worry/fear has set in.<br><br>
While my background is entirely different, I can say, the only thing that really helped me get through my pregnancy with Babybel was repeating this mantra to myself all the time:<br><br>
Breathing in: "strong, healthy baby"<br><br>
Breathing out: "fear and worry"<br><br>
Repeat over and over. The long, controlled breaths probably had a lot to do wtih it, but it calmed me.<br><br>
Hugs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Just got back from my second blood draw today...GULP. I'll have test results in 10 days and the big scan in 12 days. I hate waiting..... In more positive news I'm going tomorrow to my gender re check u/s where I'll be told HOPEFULLY that she is still a she and I'll see that sqirmy little cutie!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Had my gender recheck today. And it's for sure a girl! I'm so happy! No seriously I feel truly blessed and know what a miracle this baby girl is!!! Seriously!!! And all last night and today she was kicking! Felt so awesome! And of course she was moving all around during the u/s. Seriously.... Dispite all the horrible luck and tragic events of my life the last 3 yrs i can honestly say I am blessed and so lucky to have my life. Thank u all for sharing this very special time in my life. It's only gonna get better when I get the all clear at my specialist appointment.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
ok more to make me anxious about. So looks like the results of the second AFP blood draw are not gonna be in till after I go to my specialist appointment. UGGGG! So much for getting a normal reading and feeling calmer before the appointment. Sheesh. My appointment is in a week, next monday at 2:30. ugggg im getting a stomach ache just thinking about it.
 
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