Older (unwanted) Playmate

We had a simular situation where or oldest was around 3 and this other girl was about 6. She took advantage of my dd not knowing and being trusting. for example she would tell dd you can have your tractor back after I turn it around well she turn it then take off like crazy. The last straw was when she sent my dd to get a toy from around the house and told her she would hold her purse (that I never let dd take outside except for that day) anyway she took money out of it till she realized I was watching. Told dh and he talked to her dad. The girl has never come back to play.

All of that to say I would be bothered if it was an all the time playing, once inawhile I would have no problems with.

Where we live now the girl the same age as my dd was ALWAYS comeing over whenever my girls where out playing. Got to be old after the first week. Talked to her mom and havent had a problem since.

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That just anoys me no end : Company once in awhile is fine but very time you go outside, give me a break I like a certain amount of privacy.

When I was very small this one kid, the paperboy (12-16) came around a lot...

It wasn't good. I was one of at least 3 kids he molested.

However...

There's about a half dozen or so kids that live in our appartment complex. The manager/landlady gets real pissed when the kids run back and forth. One mom doesn't watch her kids and those brats have tried playing on my kid's toys when he isn't around to play with them. They also aren't responsible enough for me to trust to let him out when they are around.

But...

If two kids live side by side, they can play together and get more space to play with. I live at the end appartment, the one to our "right" has a kid that's there half the week and the one next to them doesn't care if the kids run amok. So, between the three appartments, techincally 4 cause there's more kids in the corner appartment (the building is L shaped), these kids have a ton of room to run around in.

The kid in the appartment next to us has two younger siblings my son's age at his mother's place. For the longest time, anytime Chucky (not his real name) went outside to play, I'd ask him and his father if they mind if my son joined Chucky. I provide toys for the boys to play with, balls, little tykes stuff. Stuff that an about 10yo who is very responsible can still enjoy while playing with a toddler. I also keep my eye on the kids when they are playing together.

Just recently, Chucky has found a playmate in the other building and so the two boys take DS out and try to run him tired. DS is usually "pig in the middle" when it comes to any ball play. I also give the kids all the water and freezies (its hot here!) they can use. I figure, they're doing me the favour of tuckering my kid out, I can at least keep them hydrated.

But the other brats - at least one of them is a sister/brother set - just drive me nuts. They are louder than Chucky, his buddy and DS, far more violent and have no respect for other people's property. And when they are around, they are a horrid influence on DS too.

I think I'll go get some cheap spray bottles for the next visit. The kids can go soak themselves then. And spray bottles aren't squirt guns which I don't like. Kids don't need to use toy guns when sponges and spray bottles will do.

apmama, I feel for you. That's a tough one, especially the "pouncing" & following. Sounds like he is a very needy boy, who has latched onto you guys to meet something lacking in his life. Very sad, but you do need to focus on your son first & foremost of course. I wouldn't want my child playing w/an older child like that either. You are definately right not to leave your ds alone w/him, even for a minute. When a teenager seeks out a preschooler to play, it is not a good sign.

Do you know his family or where he lives? It seems like the first step would be to have a talk w/his mom. You'd have to be very diplomatic & say something along the lines of, "Johnny seems like a really nice boy. He has been spending a lot of time at our house trying to play w/my 3 year old son, but given their age differences, it's realy not an appropriate match. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but the situation is becoming uncomfortable. Could you talk to him about this?"

If you are not able to talk to his parents, I guess you could say something along the same lines to him. Maybe make some suggestions to him of other places he could play where there are children his own age.

Good luck. Please let us know how it works out.

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Thank you ~*max*~
This is what I was trying to think of all last night after I read momto l&a's response in talking with the parents. I am not good at this and sometimes come across to blunt so your phrasing this for me really helped me for words.
I first need to see exactly which house it is and then make my way over...it is just too much....and I am fed up with having our *freedom* to go outside taken away....

Thanks everyone.....

Lish...I dunno know about that one...seeing that I am 34 weeks with a big preggo belly and all....thanks for the laugh.....

On a more serious note:
You know you guys, I know that there is a whole different set of issues here for this boy I am sure...He is too old for me, especially not knowing his family-but my main beef is that he is riding around our house waiting for us to come out.....like today he did it for about an hour(not kidding)-I came out to get the mail and *poof* there he was and my son was looking out the window and immediately said "I wanna go outside mamma!" and said "hi" to the boy and the boy said "hi" but I just walked back in the house and kept ds inside, until I got so irritated that I called my brother and asked him if we could come to his house so ds could play with his son and get us out of the situation. I should not have to leave my home or feel I cannot go out because of this boy!!!!!

I have been dealing with this for over a month and I am done....I do see this poor boy with no where to go but our house and I tried to *get to know him* but he just rubs me the wrong way...by telling my ds what to do, what truck to ride, he tries to ride his toys, he has broken toys by riding over them with his bike, he tells my ds not to do things that we let ds do and my 4 year old ds is not at the level yet to stand up for himself. SO I have to do it and do it a lot and it is kinda a bummer to be constantly saying "he can do that- let him ride what he wants to ride- get off that you are too big-we do not do that here-or telling ds no to things that the older boy jests him into doing" Does this make sense?

As a mom, we want to respect children, all children. If this older boy is being bossy and breaking things, then I would ask him to go home. If he refuses, and you do not want to bring the cops in yet. Pick up all the toys outside put them away and take your little one inside. If he doesn't leave your yard, go outside and ask him to leave again. Be nice, you don't know if he'll come back later with a gun or knife or something.
And if he scares you, just call the cops.
We had a little kid like this, but he wasn't around too much (divorced parent situation). He actually climbed over the fence of our neighbors to play with the toys in the yard -- dog and all.
I've thought many a time how great a front yard fence would be. If you have a fenced in area, be in it and lock it.
We've had to teach our neighbor children to not come in our yard without permission. When they first moved in last summer, they came right into our house without knocking. My husband was naked in the hallway coming from the shower to the bedroom! Now we lock our doors.
Really, you should put up with a pre-teen crashing your day. A call to social services might be a better call than to the cops, particularly if you know the address of where he lives.
Best wishes

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I can't believe I read this on this board.

I feel like crying.

I was one of those kids always trying to latch on to a family that looked normal or happy. And when I was thwarted I took it very personally.

I know you need to take care of your family first, and I agree that this is the most important thing you can do, but please consider that he is coming to your family most likely to be parented by you. He picked you and your family because he feels safe and sees something good there.

Be really honest with him and set limits, if you have the time and patience.

Statements like "If you can not do X, I will send you home." ensure that your boundaries are met and his needs are met. I know he is a total stranger, but he is a human being, a child, with feelings and he is somewhat fdamaged and looking for a way to fix it. Children can't fix themselves, they need guidance.

That's just it. I'm pretty sure she's been saying "if you won't/can't do X go home" for a while now. He's gotten past the point of "playmate" and has entered the realm of stalker by her own descriptions. If he isn't stopped now, what is going to stop him doing worse to another woman or for that matter a girlfriend?

And for some reason he's triggered the "this kid might also be a molester" under the guise of "playing doctor."

That's how it started with me. And I was not much older than my son currently is when it started. I bent over to pick up the paper the pervert dropped and I had just been potty trained so my pants didn't fit right and they showed what would be known as a "plumber's crack." This as a kid that also played in our yard because there were older kids (8-9) that lived there at the time. And he stalked me and two others my age (a boy and a girl) getting us to "play doctor" with him whenever we were out of parental sight.

It went on for years - although my mother said it was only a month. She doesn't remember what I remember - the winter snows, the basement, the bushes at the local schoolyard... That it started when my hair was short and curly and ended when it was past my shoulders. I don't remember the other two kids being involved, but they were found out about after my mother reported it to the cops. I won't go into the circus the paper and the cops did about that, but it was nuts. The paper wanted to protect the kid too!

How he "pounces" reminds me so much of that pervert. That he'd wait for us to be alone and would do stuff to us. And he wouldn't stop until the cops were called. He was also scared of men because he never came around when the fathers were home (I didn't have a father so I was easy prey). The theory some of our mothers had was that he was being abused by his father, but with how the paper was covering up for him, I don't know.

If you're not able to call the cops, call CPS. Something in your description of how he acts is making me very worried about your children's safety, nevermind his sanity.

Dh does not like him either..but dh is rarerly here with working full time and doing side work or asleep
I like the idea of telling the boy "Hey-today ds and I are having a family day" maybe I will just start saying that everyday...
He so far has not been around today...we have been able to be outside all day hassle free....first day in tthe past 3....

I do not *fear* him.....I am just annoyed by him...but you guys are giving me things to think about that is for sure.

We do live in a very "mayberry" like neighborhood....I know the chief of police and could easly say something to him if I needed too.

Thanks for all the input on this mammas.......

I hate to be the devil's advocate here, but I don't see the problem... I mean, you said you don't like the kid, but haven't said why... if there is something he's done that is wrong, i could see the problem, but all it seems like from your description is that he likes to hang around and since your child is 3 he may be telling him what to do because he thinks he's helping him. I think the kid just feels more comfortable around younger kids, maybe he has trouble connecting with kids his own age or maybe there aren't many around his neighborhood. i guess i don't understand the reasoning behind not liking him as a person, but i certainly don't see from your description why the kids deserves to "not have any feelings" or have the "cops called on him" or to be called a stalker! That just sounds mean to me.

I LOVED kids when I was his age and would always go over to various neighborhood houses with little kids and try to play with them... because i'm a girl, maybe that's the difference? I would spend exorbant amounts of time hanging out with some of the families, maybe I was annoying them too, but I don't know, i was a kid! I think you should give the poor kid a break. Unless there's some real reason for his unwelcomeness other than his age.