[attachedmomto3]

ok, so a little back info...i posted here more a few months ago in the beginning of my separation.....stbx had an affair with an 18yr old(he's 30) and they have since moved to FL together (we lived in MI) he always denied they were together, etc, etc...well today he said they are living together and pretty serious uke and she is in the navy and will be moving soon and he will be going wherever she goes uke i asked when he was planning on telling the kids about her and he ask what i thought because he doesn't know....i said that i didn't know the level of their relationship but before he could introduce her as his gf we all had to meet and talk.(it in our divorce agreement and i would do the same for him if he wanted to) and he asked if it would be all jerry springer if we met. and i just wanted to reach through the phone and....well i said of course not but she is a complete stranger to me and if she's going to spend anytime with my kids then i need to talk with her and make sure we are all on the same page about the kids. she may very well be good with kids she is a kid herself

uke and then i said that the more people that love and care for my kids the better they will be for it.....and he goes "WOW".....like he really thinks i'll just punch her or something

anyway, so i guess my question is did i do the right thing?? it's true right about people caring and loving for the kids? i'm just so confused! and what would i really say to her when we meet i just want to uke when i think about actually seeing her and talking to her! but i think i should she is afterall a kid herself and i don't know what experience she has with kids, i just want my kids safe and happy when they are with them.

what did you guys talk to the gf about if you met her?? can i really make this work?? am i doing this right??

 

[fek&fuzz]

what are you hoping will come out of the meeting? are there things you want her to say? things you want to say? "correct answers" to questions you'll ask?

you may just want to think about what your intentions are before meeting with her. it's not as though you can prevent your husband from seeing her if you don't like her (in the absence of drug use or violence on her part or something.)

If you are feeling sick about it, it may mean that it's not the right thing to do.

 

[MariesMama]

I think that it would be helpful, if only in that you would have a concrete idea of your kids' potential stepmom. It is beneficial to your kids (well, everyone) if you two can have a civil relationship.

 

[hippiemum21580]

I have sooooo been there. My husband was 30 when he left us for a 19 year old girl. ugh. I made the mistake of not talking to her at first cuz I assumed my ex had been raising these kids pro-AP all these years and would show her how it was done.....I was very wrong. He actually started acting like he hadn't a clue in the world.....She simply did not have the ability to gentle discipline 4 boys at her age and from her lifestyle. (heavy drug use, I found out about later) One day I heard her screaming at my boys when I was talking on the phone to my ex.(they were at thier home) I told him if she EVER yelled at them like that again .....well, you can imagine. Then one day I spent an hour at thier home with my children. That was a wake up call I am thankful for! While there my kids hit a key on the computer and pornographic pictures popped up on the screen, some people showed up and my ex stepped out twice to make obvious drug deal and the girlfriend hollored at my 4 year old while I was standing right there. From that day on I informed him he was free to see his sons anytime he wanted in MY home. Sadly, he chose her over his sons and it's been a year since he last saw them. 17 months actually.

 

[attachedmomto3]

hippiemum: that's what i'm afraid of. i guess i just want to make sure she has knowledge of AP and GD and is willing to follow that with my kids. i don't feel like i can 100% depend on stbx to communicate that to her.

i don't think there will be right or wrong answers or even really questions. it's not about their relationship anymore, it's about my kids.

i just wanted to know how people handled it with their stbx's gf and if it is at all possible to sit down and talk like adults and have what's best for the kids first and for most.

 

[thisiswhatwedo]

well let me be a bit negative here. Are you planning on sending your kids all over the country to spend time with their dad? I mean he left you for a teenager, he doesn't sound like a stable parent and she is a complete unknown quantity. I mean can you even trust this situation? The number of vomit smilies makes me think you have a lot of emotion about this. I would meet with them if you think you can handle it with the idea of checking her out for your kids sake but as a single mom of three I guess I would not even consider having my kids spend time with them unless you see the house, the relationship and their interactions with the kids. Christ she is a teenager after all.
I wish you luck with this but I wonder do judges look at the kind of behavior that dads have in these situations when deciding on custody issues?

 

[pinetree]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thisiswhatwedo I wish you luck with this but I wonder do judges look at the kind of behavior that dads have in these situations when deciding on custody issues?

Truthfully, I think that judges will decide that if the dad isn't doped up or drunk etc when the kids are there and the kids aren't coming to obvious harm (bruises, broken bones, other types of abuse) then the judge is going to just do whatever he needs to do to get the parents out of the court room as quickly as possible and that includes giving the father custody and visitation.

They deal with too many extreme cases where there is no good choice of parents that when they get two people that appear on the surface to be reasonable (or even just mildly acceptable or even bad) parents instead of dangerous parents then they wonder why you're complaining.

: That's my opinion of the current system.