[3boys4us]

I have a problem with ds#1 (9 1/2 y) and ds#2 (7 y)- ds#2 is very popular. He gets invited to all sorts of parties and visits to other kids homes. He's very outgoing and and nice.

Ds#1 is very sweet but extremely shy and quiet. He dislikes change and has hard time each year when his class changes. He has several good friends - they have remained constant over the last couple of years. He occasionally gets invited to their homes but when asked he would rather spend his time at home. Plus none of his friends are in his class this year.

But recently ds#1 started saying (in sort of an off hand way) how he wishes he would get invited to more playdates and parties like his brother.

I have no idea how to handle this. I encouraged him to ask more kids from his class home but he has to be pushed into it and I'm not sure if this is good. He clearly wants to go on more playdates but how much should I interfere? I feel so badly for him when yet again ds#2 gets another invite to something.

 

[siddie]

Does he participate in any team sports? That is a nice way to build confidence and make friends. I think since he is telling you he wants to have more playdates, you should help him out. Maybe you can arrange a swim-party day for a small group of his friends and then go for pizza after. Encourage him to say hi to kids he sees at the park or mall and stop to talk. Playing games is a great way to socialize for kids, it takes the pressure off and they have fun so have some games ready. A basketball hoop in your driveway, a ping pong table, whatever they like to play. Encourage him to go when he is invited, he will most likely have fun. Your boys are fairly close in age, can he join in with some of your other son's activities and possibly bring a friend or two of his own along? Become a scout troop leader if you have too

! It sounds like a difficult situation but you have the power to help ease it some. Sometimes parents have to coordinate the social activites for their kids, you know, arrange a day at the water park or a mini-golf game. If he doesn't learn this skill now, he will have more difficulty later. I am still the social coordinator for my dh, he apparently never learned how. I guess that isn't totally unusual though, many wives arrange the couple's social lives...

 

[siddie]

ps, I think he may have difficulty approaching people, this can be harder for shy people and there is the whole fear of rejection thing so that is why I suggested arranging some activites for him. Also, make sure he is set up for success when he does get the courage up to ask someone. Have him watch his little brother, it sounds like he can learn from him too.

 

[3boys4us]

Thanks for the tips - he does participate in soccer but hates it. He's not aggressive enough for the game. This winter we're going to try basketball. I think he'd be good at those gaming groups they used to have - like Dungeons and Drgaons but I have no idea where to look for one.

The mini-golf idea was great - he loves golf.

 

[siddie]

Hi Rene, I forgot to tell you I have twin nieces who had very much the same problem. The shy/quieter twin liked swim team (you can sort of swim on your own but on a team) a lot. I think another good sport for shyer people is golf if it is available. I can see how soccer would be too much.

 

[seven_lux]

3boys4us -

For dungeons & dragons groups you can try comic/card stores, even if they don't have groups themselves chances are the clerks in those places might have some idea where to go and find some.

 

[cinnamonamon]

Quote:

Originally posted by siddie Your boys are fairly close in age, can he join in with some of your other son's activities and possibly bring a friend or two of his own along?

This may work for some, but I haven't seen many. My sister & I never had a worse time than when we were both together with our friends. It your ds2 doesn't care for it either, it could very well set up ds2 to ridicule ds1 for being "uncool."

A great team sport would be cross country running, or track. Unfortunately, I don't believe this available until middle/high school, though.

Scouts helped me a lot, as well (yea, I was the shy/less popular one

). It's so different for girls, though.

Good luck -- all the ideas already given are great. The one above may even work for you, I just wanted to give you a heads up on how it could backfire!

 

[eilonwy]

I just wanted to tell you that I didn't learn to socialize well until I started playing these games in college. :LOL If I'd found a group when I was younger, I probably would have made friends a lot earlier.

If you can't find a group at a comic store, you could always start your own.

It's not that hard to learn storytelling, and it's a lot of fun.