Only child versus having siblings

I have (at last count) 19 neices and nephews in various family sizes, including onlies. I have to say, there are pros and cons to being an only, but I do see lots of pros. The onlies get more attention, more travel, a better education, etc. If it's done right, they aren't spoiled.

I have two kids. I would have been happy stopping at one, but mine were adopted from a different country, and I think it our situation, the ability to provide children with a sibling with the same ethnic background was a big advantage. Our situation is obviously different than that of bio families, and we have different issues to contend with. My dh was also very much in favor of adopting a second child--probably more than I was.

My kids are almost four years apart. They play together very well. In fact, from what I've seen in my and dh's siblings' families is that kids tend to get along together better, especially when they are a bit older, if they aren't too close in age.

I think if you are going to do it, it's best to do it because you genuinely want to parent another child.

Just something to keep in mind:

There is no "magic spacing" that will guarantee playmates. Sometimes a wider berth will create a lot of conflict, but it can also be a boost to them playing together, depending on the personality of the older child. A good friend of mine had a sister who was 8 years older, and they were extremely close--her older sister adored her, and vice versa. When we were 10, her older sister would take us to the movies or drive us to the fun park, she actually bought gifts for her little sister just because, drove home once a month when she was in college to hang out and talk...even to this day I think they talk almost every day. I also know 3 siblings each 2 years apart who are good friends now as adults, but spent the 6-18 yo years literally chasing each other around the house with knives, coke bottles, belts, ect (and they actually laugh about this now, but still...!).

So I agree with EFM...please wait until YOU wish to parent your second child. Don't be trapped into thinking you must do it nownownow or else they won't be friends. If anything, your expectations (and unintentional pressure) may very well backfire in that regard.

I've had it both ways ... My first child was 15 years old before I had another child, so she pretty much grew up as an only child. I liked it because she was my cohort in crime, almost more like a sister than a child. She has always related very well to adults and has seemed more mature than other kids her age.

Now I have two girls 26 months apart (6 months and 32 months). It's too soon to say how they'll do for playmates, right now the older one beats up on the younger one if I don't watch her like a hawk.

I grew up with a sister just over a year younger than I. You would think we would have been the best playmates, but, to be honest, we fought much more than we played happily together. It has only been now, as grown-ups, that my sister and I have gotten very close and best friends.

Having the children close in age can be overrated.

I agree with Tigerchild and EFmom. My youngest brother is 9 years younger then me, we have always been extremely close, my first son is named after him. My children are 23 months apart and at ages 5 & 7 they are the best of friends and I could not imagine my oldest being without him, they seem soul mates to me. However I can see advantages to being an only, more one on one time with a parent, more $$ at the family's disposal. But IMO they also have noone to share the memories with and once the parents are older and in need noone to share that burden as well. This is all dependent on the personality of the child/children. If my older son was not the child he is he might fight all the time with his brother as I see many other children of the same age gap do. We are lucky they get along as well as they do, ppl are actually amazed at how much they care for each other. If they were born further apart it might be the same of very different, if either of them had different personalities it would change the dynamic. I do think you need to have a child because YOU want one, giving your dd a sibling is an added bonus.

I for one wanted to have two children, and thankfully it worked out, but I think it was also very important for us to give our son a sibling. We both come from families with more then one child so we wanted our son to have that as well. I can't imagine what life would be like if he didn't have his brother. And since he is asking for a 3rd Musketeer at this point, my guess is that he would not have been happy alone either. However if I had not wanted to have another child, I might not have been able to weather the harder times when they were both small.

Good luck with whatever you decide s:

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It's really ok for the sibling factor to play into your decision, as well. Honestly, we primarily had #2 so that #1 would have a sibling. (They are 5 years apart.) But of course we fell in love with him instantly, and can't imagine our family without him now!!

They are 3 and 8, they play together, but it's still not like I can put them on "auto-pilot" --they still need my attention (particularly when little brother decides to pull big sister's hair.)

When they hug each other and say, "Ahhhh.........big hug!" I know that we made the right decision.

Looks like i'm late to this thread but am going to contribute anyway

I'm an only child and I hated it. We also lived in the country so I didn't have neighborhood friends. My parents both worked and so I was also a latchkey kid from 2nd grade on. Lonely life.

My husband was an only and loved it! He lived in town, lots of neighborhood friends, mom only worked part time when he was in school so someone was always there when he got home from school.

I have 4 kids now. The first three were bang bang bang. The girls, just 18 months apart have been great playmates most of their life. The little one, 18 months now (the others are 14, 12, and 11) is doted on by his siblings.

I took my oldest daughter (12) out to lunch alone today. After we got to the restaurant where we met my mom, she said, "You know, I thought it would be fun for just us to go out to eat together, but now that we're here, its pretty boring." Before we'd left, she's asked to bring the baby along. And I was like, that's the POINT of going just us! getting away from the baby

So, yes, they fight, yes I hate it. Constant bickering somedays (and I just had to break up a nasty conflict over whose computer time it was) but they want to be with each other. I hope they are friends as adults.

I have a 4yo and a 16 mo. old. They are pretty good at entertaining each other. Of course they require supervision-- I wil stay in the room with them but watch from a distance. My 4yo is really starting to "get it" as far as being kind, trading toys instead of grabbing, being gentle, etc. They will sometimes even play together as far as my 16 mo. can, where Abi will make noises and Nitara tries to repeat them, and they both fall over with giggles! Abi is that tattletale stage and will tell me when Nitara is about to get into something, which is helpful.

I was an only child after my brother passed away, and I so enjoy seeing my two kids developing a sibling bond. It has filled something inside of me that I've been missing since I lost my only sibling. They share a room and it's neat to hear (on the baby monitor) Nitara wake up and Abi will say, "It's okay, Nitara, go back to sleep" and Nitara will say "sister" and then go back to sleep. Nitara really loves her big sister so much.

BTW you don't need preschool and mother's helpers to make it doable. It's nice to have, but not necessary. My 4yo is high-needs and my baby has medical needs. Some days are hard, but I feel like I'm through the most difficult period and I'm still hear to talk about it. PPD and dd2's medical issues were the main challenges that I wish I hadn't had, but the actual transition, even under difficult circumstances, was okay. I have never regretted it.

If I had to do it over again though, I would have spaced them 4 years instead of 3. The threes were hard on Abi. She's much more mature now.

I am so glad we had two - and this is coming from someone who started a thread a couple of days ago about how much harder two is than one! Our life would be so much easier right now if we only had our oldest, but I can't imagine life without our baby. Ds1 just dotes on him, and has accepted him as part of the family since before he was born.

And they already do play together. Not a whole lot, but at least a few times a day they somehow arrange a game of ds2 kind of "chasing" ds1, while ds1 shrieks and laughs, making ds2 laugh. Then of course there was the time when ds1 discovered that he could lick cheerios and make them stick to ds2's head. They both found this to be hysterical.

The hardest part is not time to myself. The second hardest part is keeping ds2 from destroying whatever game ds1 is playing with. Ds2 wants to be wherever ds1 is, and sometimes it is almost impossible to keep him away.

I agree about not needing preschool and other help. In fact, I find preschool to make my life harder. Ds1 goes to preschool a few mornings a week, and I find the whole dropping off and picking up to be a real hassle with the baby. It can really interfere with his naps, and unlike anything else we do, I have to be there at a certain time (for pickup), whether ds2 feels like being in the car right then or not. Plus, ds1 gets sick more from preschool, and passes it on to ds2. So while preschool has been good for ds1 (he had some language delay issues), it did not necessarily make life with two any easier.

My sister and I were 3 years apart, the same spacing as my two. We were close as young kids, fought like hell during the preteen and teen years, and are now very close again. We had some crummy divorce issues with our parents, and we are the only ones who truly understand what the other one has gone through, which is priceless.

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Same here. I think that our third child was the one most truly "wanted" just to have another baby. If you want to have kids, you have the first one - it is that or childfree which we knew we didn't want. So that first one is a given. We also knew for sure that we wouldn't have an only child. (Dh grew up an only and said we could have any number I wanted - except one.) We (like A & A) had the second to give (them both) a sibling; it was our primary reason. Of course we wanted that baby, and loved her from the minute we found out we were pregnant. But the third baby - now that one we didn't "have" to have. For us the first and second kids were a given; the third we had as a true decision - not explaining this well...

To answer the OP, my dd1 and dd2 are four years apart (just like me and my younger sister - done purposefully as it worked so well for us both as kids and later) and I love that spacing. They play great (and fight plenty too - but that is part and parcel) and I love that by four, dd1 WANTED a sibling, wnated that playmate. She was also more independent and starting her second year of preschool - able to go out with uncle to the zoo or to grammy's for a sleepover. With that spacing, you have some one-on-one time with the baby while dd1 is in preschool, then kindergarten. Four year olds are great helpers also; they understand and can have a bit of patience.

My parents died when my siblings and I were kids (12/14, 8/10, 4/6). I cannot imagine life without my siblings, then or now. Yes, we fought. And played endlessly. I adore them both.

Of course there is no guarantee that they will get along, or share responsibilities when parents are elderly, etc. But you have that POSSIBILITY. Friends, cousins, even spouses and children are wonderful. But only your siblings grow up with you and share your childhood in a way that only someone sleeping in the bunk below you can.

And I think by 18-24 months (for the younger sib), they can play together well without adult "help". I have all girls so not sure if that is different for little boys. Mine are now 8, 4 and 1 and any combination of them can play dress up, draw, play Polly Pocket magnet, make Magz structures, play dollhouse together.

We got pregnant with dd2 when dd1 was about 3 1/2. I wouldn't change a thing.

We want lots, so the sibling factor wasn't the only thing for us. But, I have seen a lot of benefits for our 2 year old son since the baby arrived.

He loooooves his baby brother. I have to supervise when he's around the baby, but only because he's always wanting to hold the baby and obviously can't do it by himself. But he tries, if I don't keep an eye on him (he also says "Awww" like everybody else when he is holding baby : ).

It's also provided a natural learning opportunity for him. How to treat babies, how babies grow, what babies do ("cry, scream, be happy" :LOL ), how nice midwives are , and ummm, how babies are born-he was there at ds2's birth! His language learning sky-rocketed at the end of my pregnancy and since, mainly I think because of all the excitement, and having so many people around talking about the baby, and learning all sorts of new things related to babies. My favorite is when he got concerned when I was in early labor and panting, squatting, etc, and he came up to me, patted me, and said "Brave, mama!!" :

It's also forced us as parents to realize he was spoiled, as hard as we'd tried not to do that to him, so we are on the road to recovery with that, thanks to the babys arrival. :LOL

The whole family dynamic has changed. To me, it seems better. There's more going on. Life is more interesting. Ds1 has something new to do, and somebody new to love.

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My FIL dealt with the loss of both parents less than 2 years after the death of his only brother.

My mother has dealt with the decline of both of her parents basically alone b/c my aunt has refused to deal with it.

I have a sister who apparently was raised by an entirely different family b/c her memories of our childhood are completely different than mine. We're 3 years apart and were close during our childhood but drifted apart when my father demanded we choose sides during my parents' divorce when I was in college.

I could go on and on with other examples. Have a second child when you're both ready. I know people who are close to their siblings that are 10 years older than them and ones who are not. I know people with siblings close in age who get along and those that don't. You have to choose what's right for your family, that's all.

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Oh, I never said my mom waited... I am the youngest of four. The older three are each about 18 mo. to 2 yrs apart each from the next. I just happened to be an afterthought. My siblings were 6, 7, and 9 when I was born :LOL

As to my MIL, she just had a crappy marriage with a guy who never wanted to burden of having to put someone else's needs before his own.