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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>Ugh. Grody grody grody, I just got a facebook friend request from my demon BPD abusive alcoholic ex. I haven't seen him in almost four years.</p>
<p>Ew, this is soooooo gross.</p>
<p>If anyone wants to know, this is what he did to me: <a href="http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/950587/my-story-leaving-an-abusive-alchoholic-with-borderline-personality-disorder-triggers">http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/950587/my-story-leaving-an-abusive-alchoholic-with-borderline-personality-disorder-triggers</a></p>
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<p>ETA: I know the obvious thing to do is to just ignore it/block him. But there's a part of me that wants to FB message him back telling him what it was like to be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. Not from a victim perspective and not from a place of high emotional intensity, but calmly and clearly. Is there any remote sense in doing that? Would I get closure from that, or would it just be stupidly continuing to engage?</p>
<p>This has thrown me for a loop, but less of a loop than it would have a couple months after the breakup. My initial reaction felt a little like food poisoning, but I don't actually feel too emotionally wound up now that the initial shock has worn off.</p>
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<p>ETA II: Or what if I just sent him a link to the wiki page on emotional abuse and borderline personality disorder?</p>
 

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<p>oh Jen, ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.</p>
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<p>I'm so sorry!</p>
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<p>btw, he wouldn't get it, any of it. He's not only abusive, he's deep in denial. You'd just find yourself in that crazy dance of trying to convince the lunatic he's crazy.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<p>So he also sent me a message:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hi Jen, Its been a long time. I thought I would just say hi and ask how you have been. I live in St. Louis now and doing well. I would like to be facebook friends if your ok with that. If not, I totally understand. Best wishes to you and your kid. -Spencer</p>
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<p>I just have one question: is there any abuser out there who knows the difference between your and you're, its and it's, and they're and their? It's really baffling to me. Is grammatical blindness part of the abuser profile?</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<p>Right, so I know all the reasons why taking the time to write and send this letter was like shrieking into the wind. If this was someone else's post, I probably would have argued convincingly to just ignore the email. I spent emotional energy on the letter, and I had promised myself that I'd never spend emotional energy on this guy who abused me ever again. It's been almost four years. But...it felt really kind of satisfying to get this out there. I feel like I approached it from the point of view of someone who's healed and moved on. I'm not a victim anymore. I realized I still had something to say to him, and I said it. It could be good for getting closure. I'm absolutely not going to get drawn into a back-and-forth dialogue with him, but ultimately, I'm not unhappy that I took the time to say these things.  </p>
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<p>Spencer,<br>
I’m going great. I’m in grad school and I have a beautiful son.<br>
I’m not comfortable being friends with you, virtually or in real life, for one reason: You were abusive. I don’t know if you’re capable of acknowledging and owning that fact. But in our relationship, you were emotionally, verbally and borderline physically abusive. If I had stuck around any longer, there’s no doubt in my mind that it would have turned into full-blown physical abuse.<br>
I had a lot of anger towards you – a lot of anger – for a long time. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how any human could treat another human as badly and with as little respect as you treated me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I tolerated being abused for as long as I did. That led me to seriously research the dynamics of abusive relationships, and now all the things that happened between us make more sense to me.<br>
I know part of it was your alcoholism and addictive behavior, which was out of control. But it was more than that. There’s something called Borderline Personality Disorder. You should look into it; I’m fairly certain that you have it.<br>
I’m not saying these things because I still feel angry or want to hurt you. I’m saying them because if you ever want to change and live a healthy life and have a healthy relationship and be a good role model for your son, you need to acknowledge them. I’d really encourage you to seek out counseling, if you haven’t already. You have plenty of good qualities – you’re vibrant, you’re intelligent, and I don’t think that you intentionally want to hurt people. You’re not an intrinsically bad person. But you will be a destructive and chaotic force in the lives of any of your partners unless you find ways to control the alcoholism and treat the Borderline Personality Disorder.<br>
I hope you’re doing better now than you were then, and I truly hope that as you’ve gotten older you’ve learned better ways to handle your emotions and not abuse your partner.<br>
Take care,<br>
Jen</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285354/ooh-iiiiiicccccckkkk-he-tried-to-fb-friend-me#post_16114778"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
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<p>I just have one question: is there any abuser out there who knows the difference between your and you're, its and it's, and they're and their? It's really baffling to me. Is grammatical blindness part of the abuser profile?</p>
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<p><br><br><span><img alt="ROTFLMAO.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="width:39px;height:15px;"></span>to that!</p>
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<p>I'd block him too.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285354/ooh-iiiiiicccccckkkk-he-tried-to-fb-friend-me#post_16114778"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><p> </p>
<p>I just have one question: is there any abuser out there who knows the difference between your and you're, its and it's, and they're and their? It's really baffling to me. Is grammatical blindness part of the abuser profile?</p>
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<br><br><p> It's funny you mentioned this because my XH had SEVERE spelling issues..."there vs. they're vs. their" and "your and you're" and "NUCULAR instead of nuclear" (that one drove me insane). His mother just sent me ALL this report cards from kindergarden to grade 8 (after which he quit school). These are the comments that reoccurred over the years: "C has a lot of trouble concentrating for more than a few seconds", "C simply isn't motivated and hasn't made any progress", "C is very talented in the arts but makes no effort to improve", "C still cannot form letters properly"...SO, he had undiagnosed ADD, fine motor skill problems, memory retention issues, was probably gifted in some areas, and had a major motivation problem from day 1. I wonder if this fits into the abuser profile....seems that other mamas on this board have had abusers who were brilliant. Perhaps "too brilliant", which lead to some feelings of alienation...</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<p>I know all the reasons why blocking him was the most reasonable thing to do, and I won't get into a dialogue with him. But I did send it, and honestly it felt kind of good to send it. I had been wanting to say those things to him for a while, and now they've been said. That can be the end of it, as far as I'm concerned. Will he be like, light bulb moment, I'm an abusive asshole, and I should seek out significant counseling to make sure I don't put any other woman through the same abuse? Probably not. But all the same, it felt kind of good to get that out there.</p>
 

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<p>In the case of my ex, I think it's a narcisistic thing, that his message is so special, clear, and important that he "shouldn't have to" be concerned with conventions such as spelling and grammar. (We had the conversation every time he sent out a resume -- until I stopped helping him. And "shouldn't have to" was one of his favorite phrases.)</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sparklefairy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285354/ooh-iiiiiicccccckkkk-he-tried-to-fb-friend-me#post_16116303"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>In the case of my ex, I think it's a narcisistic thing, that his message is so special, clear, and important that he "shouldn't have to" be concerned with conventions such as spelling and grammar. (We had the conversation every time he sent out a resume -- until I stopped helping him. And "shouldn't have to" was one of his favorite phrases.)</p>
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<br><br><p>OMG!! That's my sister!!! Always drove me crazy, since we were kids, and more so after she hit her mid 20s. "should" and "shouldn't" are words she uses constantly to try to control me and my mom. Her spelling is atrocious, also, but I accredit it to her bad reading skills and not to her being messed up in the head or lacking communication skills. However, she does have lousy communication skills and thinks other people...well, at least anyone she feels she has the right to get mad at, should magically be able to read her mind, or should excuse her from having to put any effort into clarifying what she's talking about. For this reason, I simply won't take her phone calls because she gets extremely angry if I ask clarifying questions. Then she's mad that I never call her (never mind that for a while she was in Spain and didn't actually have a phone number, and before that, I did call her, not to mention I send her emails every so often to which she rarely responds haha so I feel no guilt).  STBX has always taken pride in his writing/reading skills, and that's one of the things he uses to convince himself he's a superior being. But he's also either really lazy about communicating with people he's "above", or else he gets satisfaction out of making things confusing as a smoke screen for escaping from conflict and intimacy.</p>
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<p>Sheesh. Remind me again why I'm going home for Christmas? I feel like I'm going to be in the lion's den for a week. At least I have my little angel to take with me. Thank God for Lexapro...</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285354/ooh-iiiiiicccccckkkk-he-tried-to-fb-friend-me#post_16114460"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a>But there's a part of me that wants to FB message him back telling him what it was like to be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. Not from a victim perspective and not from a place of high emotional intensity, but calmly and clearly.</div>
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<br><br><p>This is the very question I asked myself when my past abusive jerk 'friended' me on FB. I was like, ARE YOU KIDDING??!?!? Does he not even remember, KNOW, what he did to me?!?! Someone suggested I do just that. TELL him. But...then I'm opening a channel between he and I. Do I really want to do that? Do I really want him to have an avenue back to me? Do I really want contact with him? And would it really even get through to him, make him understand, make him accept, ADMIT to what he did?....</p>
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<p>No. No. No. No. No. No. NO.</p>
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<p>I blocked him every last way I could and deleted his request. I then told those of mutual aquaintence what he did to me. Most of them unfriended him immediately. I was so quiet, so good at concealing what was going on, that NO ONE knew. Now they do. The few who insisted they would like to stay friends with him just to know where he is and what he's up to - the past is the past sort of thing - but they believe me and think it was horrible....blah blah blah...well, I realized who were real friends. Who would really be there for ME. And I let them know, in a non emotionally charged calm state that it did hurt me that they stayed 'friends' with him, for whatever reason. What I post on their FB page he can see. And I can see HIM if I go to their pages and he's posted there. So I don't go to their pages. Period. I DO NOT want to see him. It will do me NO GOOD to see him. There are only 2 people out of 20 friends so I have more good in my corner than not :) That makes me feel strong, good, and safe. I am happy with my choice to ignore those who ignore something this big.</p>
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<p>No one in their right mind is a friend with a rapist. No one.</p>
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<p>Long story short, NO, I don't think you should message him. BUT do keep your mouth open and be open and honest with people close to you about what happened. They are the only ones that matter in understanding what torture you endured. He is not worth anything.</p>
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<p>I just read your note that you sent. It is a good letter and I applaud your bravery for speaking out to your abuser. I don't think I'd ever get to your point on your healing journey. We all take different paths and I'm glad you've found one that works for you. You deserve to heal and live a good life!<br></p>
 

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<p>jen, nicely done, did you block him after that so he can't respond?<br>
 </p>
<p>and, yeah, all these similarities are sooo strange!</p>
 
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