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I am in the middle of a situation with my ex that I am uncomfortable with, and I would like other mama's opinions on it.
My ex has just begun a new relationship, and he would like my five year old daughter to stay at his new girlfriend's house the four nights of the week that he watches her (I work overnights 4 nights of the week so I can be home with her during the day everyday, and all weekend). My daughter has stayed over there three or four nights, but she has been expressing that she is uncomfortable staying there.
Some background...my ex has spent the night at my house for the past year and a half on the days that I work. His house is unsuitable for children for a number of reasons, and this has been nice for dd for she always knows where she will be sleeping...the parents just change. He has been in this relationship for only three weeks, and it is the first "serious" relationship that either of us has been in since dd is old enough to really understand "girlfriends" and "boyfriends" and "marriage".
His new girlfriend is a mother of two little girls, and dd appears to like his girlfriend and her daughters. She just seems very uncomfortable sleeping over at her house. The first night that she slept over, she appeared very sad when I picked her up, and she said "I don't have a daddy anymore" We talked a lot about different kinds of families and how her daddy would always love her and be there for her, even if he had a girlfriend. The last night that spent the night there, she threw an enormous tantrum over a blanket that she left at the house. Normally, she does not care about things like that, but this was a HUGE issue to her. She stated all day that she wanted to sleep at her regular house tonight, and when we talked about how she was feeling, she kept saying things like "that house is different" "grandma's house feels like my home, that but that house does not feel like my home". She asked her father if they could have a "normal" night and sleep in her "regular house", and when he pushed her to sleep at his girlfriend's, she had a huge meltdown which ended in her sobbing, clinging to me, and begging me not to go to work (it was so late that I had no choice but to leave, but it was horrible for she was very distraught) Now she keeps asking me not to work anymore, when she used to love having me go to work for it meant her dad coming over.
My thoughts about this whole issue are that it is a brand-new relationship that dd is going to need time and space to get used to. I am not opposed to her spending time with his new girlfriend, but it seems that they should be doing things during the day and gradually getting used to one another...to take things slow. She is clearly expressing that things are moving way too fast, and I really believe that we need to listen to children and respect their feelings about issues like this. My ex's view is that she is uncomfortable because she has only spent a few nights there, and by spending more nights there, it will seem more like her home. I can understand that my ex may not want to continue watching dd at my house (although we have been separated for over four years and have a completely platonic friendship), but he has other choices too. He was contemplating moving in with his family (a safe place that she loves), or he could fix up his house so that it is safe for dd to be there. I think dd would be more comfortable with either of these choices. I have tried to discuss this with my ex, but he has refused to have a conversation about it. Basically, he feels that it is completely his choice, and that I am just trying to interfere in his life and control him. I am really trying to keep my personal beliefs separate from my concern over dd's feelings about that matter. (personally, I would never move in with someone after only three weeks, and I would be very hesitant about letting dd get so close to somebody when the relationship was so new out of concern that she would be hurt if it did not work out)
So what are your opinions? Would you feel comfortable with "sleepovers" so soon? What would you do in this situation?
And if you would feel alright with it, or think that it is none of my business, than I want to hear that too!
My ex has just begun a new relationship, and he would like my five year old daughter to stay at his new girlfriend's house the four nights of the week that he watches her (I work overnights 4 nights of the week so I can be home with her during the day everyday, and all weekend). My daughter has stayed over there three or four nights, but she has been expressing that she is uncomfortable staying there.
Some background...my ex has spent the night at my house for the past year and a half on the days that I work. His house is unsuitable for children for a number of reasons, and this has been nice for dd for she always knows where she will be sleeping...the parents just change. He has been in this relationship for only three weeks, and it is the first "serious" relationship that either of us has been in since dd is old enough to really understand "girlfriends" and "boyfriends" and "marriage".
His new girlfriend is a mother of two little girls, and dd appears to like his girlfriend and her daughters. She just seems very uncomfortable sleeping over at her house. The first night that she slept over, she appeared very sad when I picked her up, and she said "I don't have a daddy anymore" We talked a lot about different kinds of families and how her daddy would always love her and be there for her, even if he had a girlfriend. The last night that spent the night there, she threw an enormous tantrum over a blanket that she left at the house. Normally, she does not care about things like that, but this was a HUGE issue to her. She stated all day that she wanted to sleep at her regular house tonight, and when we talked about how she was feeling, she kept saying things like "that house is different" "grandma's house feels like my home, that but that house does not feel like my home". She asked her father if they could have a "normal" night and sleep in her "regular house", and when he pushed her to sleep at his girlfriend's, she had a huge meltdown which ended in her sobbing, clinging to me, and begging me not to go to work (it was so late that I had no choice but to leave, but it was horrible for she was very distraught) Now she keeps asking me not to work anymore, when she used to love having me go to work for it meant her dad coming over.
My thoughts about this whole issue are that it is a brand-new relationship that dd is going to need time and space to get used to. I am not opposed to her spending time with his new girlfriend, but it seems that they should be doing things during the day and gradually getting used to one another...to take things slow. She is clearly expressing that things are moving way too fast, and I really believe that we need to listen to children and respect their feelings about issues like this. My ex's view is that she is uncomfortable because she has only spent a few nights there, and by spending more nights there, it will seem more like her home. I can understand that my ex may not want to continue watching dd at my house (although we have been separated for over four years and have a completely platonic friendship), but he has other choices too. He was contemplating moving in with his family (a safe place that she loves), or he could fix up his house so that it is safe for dd to be there. I think dd would be more comfortable with either of these choices. I have tried to discuss this with my ex, but he has refused to have a conversation about it. Basically, he feels that it is completely his choice, and that I am just trying to interfere in his life and control him. I am really trying to keep my personal beliefs separate from my concern over dd's feelings about that matter. (personally, I would never move in with someone after only three weeks, and I would be very hesitant about letting dd get so close to somebody when the relationship was so new out of concern that she would be hurt if it did not work out)
So what are your opinions? Would you feel comfortable with "sleepovers" so soon? What would you do in this situation?
And if you would feel alright with it, or think that it is none of my business, than I want to hear that too!