Opinions please?

662 Views 13 Replies 10 Participants Last post by blondemama, Jun 10, 2004

blondemama

Discussion Starter · Jun 10, 2004

I have been married for 8 years. I have three daughters. My DH has been a slob from day one. I literally have to follow him around and pick up after him. Despite countless talks about this nothing changes. My daughters have picked up on his attitude and now do the same thing. I have been made the household slave. On top of this I have a special needs daughter who I'm becoming very concerned about. I have her in a program but I need to get her to a dr. so I can know just what is wrong with her. I'm fearing for my babys life and I know I'll be fearing my own safety as she gets older. My DH dismisses my fears and anytime I get upset he tells me to go take a pms pill. He's fighting me on getting her anymore help without realizing that I'm drained from taking care of her and my other two little ones. I NEED help.

I have a very bad knee and have fallen down the stairs several times. My dh never helps me up. He just glances my way and goes back to what he's doing. My oldest daughter sides against me with my husband saying we don't like her anymore do we? My dh just stares off into space and allows it to happen.

I'm the bad parent because I don't want the kids to each junkfood all the time. My DH constanly buys junkfood for himself and the kids. He's gained alot of weight and will eat a full container of icecream or package of cookies every night. My kids have terrible eating habits as well thanks to him. My DH encourages fast food for everyone instead of my homecooked meals. I'm always the disiplinarian as well and my kids run to my dh because he's the "fun one". I'll try to explain to my children why the shouldn't act a certain way and they'll copy what dh says to me.

My house looks like pig slop even though I bust my butt on it everyday. I can't keep up with all of everyones mess. Not to mention I feel really degraded. I'm so embarrassed about my house. And my dh's vehicle will have knee deep trash in it from fast food and papers. He won't throw anything away. He even has sylabuses from 10 years ago that he's saving. People see this and I'm mortified. He throws a big fit whenever I try to throw things away and now my kids tell me I have no right to throw anything away.

He controls the temperature and keeps things very cold. I tell him that I'm cold and to turn down the air and he says it's not cold it's hot. Whatever he feels is the truth. It doesn't matter what anyone else feels. He will not compromise. I have to live by the conditions he sets down.

He's horrible with finances and has about ruined us several times. He spends money like we have money trees out back. He's gotten us into so much debt it nauseates me. Before I married him, I had NO debt and money in the bank. He went through my money in a couple of months. I have no money now.

Am I crazy? Is it o.k. to leave someone for these reasons stated above? He doens't hit me. He's very good to the children except for discipline. I just can't stand how messy everything is. The finances, the house, himself. He only brushes his teeth once a day. He does'nt shower very much. And he wants me to touch him and kiss him. I can't stand pysical contact with him anymore. His enormous gut that he feeds junk to all the time. He's not depressed as far as I can tell. Just very lazy. I'm depressed now. I'm not who I was when I married him anymore. I miss my old self. Am I justified in leaving even though he is not physically and verbally abusive? I forgot to mention I have real bad problems with my inlaws that my DH says is my fault. They are not to blame, it's me. This and his slobiness was the first drain on our marriage, ad my special need child and two other daughters and I have about had it.

But I know that you have had it such worse. What are the justifications for leaving a marriage if abuse isn't involved. I don't even want to work things out. I don't want to get married again ever. I want to be free.

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maddysmommy

· #2 · Jun 10, 2004

(((hugs))) You sound so upset and sad. It sounds like your dh is not supporting you in any way, and imho, that is not a good marriage. Why did you get married? So that you would have a lfe partner, right? It doesn't sound like he's your partner. I think counseling (alone and together) is totally in order. I can't tell you to leave, because I understand the need to really exhaust every option, especially with kids involved. But you (and he) need to work toward a life where everyone is happy and comfortable, not just him - though it sounds like he's not happy either, over-eating is definately a sign of depression. I know it's hard to believe that the life you planned isn't happening, but you can't change everything alone and if you're not happy and he doesn't care then you have to really consider your own happiness and the wellbeing of your children more important than your idea of what marriage should be. And, to answer your question, my marriage was not any worse than yours, there was no abuse and my stbx was (is) a great father and parenting we always agree on. So, there's no checklist about which marriage is good and which is bad, it's only your own happiness and hope that you can rely on. I hope that things improve in your life, you deserve respect and support (which you can count on here btw.)

Leah

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L.J.

· #3 · Jun 10, 2004

I think every situation is separate & unique. Only you can decide what is truly best for yourself & your family. Neither road is an easy one.

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mocha09

· #4 · Jun 10, 2004

The question I might be asking right now is what is best for the kids? Your own happiness figures greatly into this equation, as a stressed out depressed mother is no fun.

Maybe make a list of positives/negatives to staying together, and see where your intution takes you?

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Marsupialmom

· #5 · Jun 10, 2004

None of us can say leave or stay only you can decide. But I do implore you to get counseling. You have given up to much hope and whether your marriage last or not you need it.

I am divorced and I know until you figure out what and where you went wrong life will always feel hopeless.

I know people who have been depressed and not dealt with the big picture. After the divorce was done and over it did not cure anything. So make sure you deal with the problems because divorce is not an automatic cure to ills.

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Bippity

· #6 · Jun 10, 2004

I believe each of us has a right to be in a healthy relationship where we are loved and supported and respected. If you are certain that this cannot happen in this relationship and you know in your heart you have tried your best to BE that loving and supportive person and have been willing to accept his love and support, too and it hasn't happened & you know it won't/can't happen, you have EVERY right in the WORLD to get out.

I was emotionally abused in my first marriage & when I got divorced in 1989 I vowed to myself that nobody would ever disrespect me again - ever and I've never allowed it in my life since, not by a grocery clerk and certainly not by somebody who is supposed to be my "better half". Love youself enough to not allow your self to be disrespected by any one, for any reason.

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blondemama

Discussion Starter · #7 · Jun 10, 2004

That is one of the things that really concerns me. All my kids see is a very worried, crying, frustrated mother. And they think it's normal to be living in a trash heap. And to eat unhealthy foods ALL the time. Nutrition is so important to me and my DH has ruined all my ideas and approaches. He laughs at the vitamins I take and give to my children. And he's taught them that it's not important to live in a clean environment. Even when I was 40 weeks pregnant, I was the one that had to carry the heavy sacks of garbage all the way down to the apartment dumpster. What was he doing? Sitting in front of the t.v. eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. When my mom came down to watch my children so I could give birth, she was astounded at how we were living. I was so embarrassed. But I could only do so much being pregnant and anemic and everything.

It would just be easier if he weren't around. He's just another kid I have to deal with.

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Dragonfly

· #8 · Jun 10, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by blondemama
But I know that you have had it such worse. What are the justifications for leaving a marriage if abuse isn't involved. I don't even want to work things out. I don't want to get married again ever. I want to be free.

You've had it way worse than I did, and I left (or, rather, asked ds' dad to leave). It wasn't for lack of trying, but I finally decided that I couldn't live the rest of my life in emotional isolation and passive-agressive hell. More importantly, I decided that it wasn't the example that we should be setting for ds.

To be blunt - he sounds like a total louse. In my view, you are being subjected to emotional abuse. What is emotional abuse if not treating someone else as though she is worthless? Ridiculing her? Systematically and continually disrespecting her? Isn't that what he is doing to you? He is teaching your children that you are not worthy of respect. He is also teaching your daughters how they should expect to be treated by the man they choose as their life partner. Were I in your situation, couples counseling would be an absolute dealbreaker for me - as in, he agrees to go (and take it seriously) or I'm outta there.

I know it's hard, but stand up for yourself, mama. Don't take this... don't allow him to treat you this way. You are deserving of so much more. Take your life back.

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Marsupialmom

· #9 · Jun 10, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by blondemama
It would just be easier if he weren't around. He's just another kid I have to deal with.

I think you need to go into divorce more realistically. You might be getting rid of one but you are going to gain a few more. Divorce will not cure all your discord with him.

1.You will not ever truly be rid of your ex. His is your children's father. You will be loosing him as a husband but not as your children's father.
2.Financially statistically you will be worse off (but your husband sounds like my ex and you will be trading one state of financial poor for another so it won't matter much. I actually looked at it this way-at least I know I am broke and the money is not spent on something stupid.)
3.Your children will have to learn mom's rules at mom's house; Dad's rules at his house. REMEMBER THIS: No matter what you do most likely you will always be the evil parent. Your children will most likely let you know this, constantly. (Right before and after visits they love to let you know your evilness).
4.You have to learn you cannot control what goes on in his house. This will most likely drive you absolutely nuts.
5.You will pick up a new problem his girl friend/new wife. She most likely will believe his story that you are an evil #@$#@ and that she knows it all.
6.You will have to learn that you cannot see them every Christmas morn and birthdays.
7.You will have to learn to bite your tounge at your child's birthday. He does not respect or help you out now; he will not care after and still undermine you. *********The up side to this you can say NO, NOT IN MY HOME. Take it to your dad.
8.You will hear BUT DAD LETS ME. (again remember not in my home).
9.They will always come home from their fathers sick. He will complain that you send them to him sick. ***Best bet treat them getting sick at his house as Murphy' s Law. They pick up germs during the week at school and get sick at his home.
10.He will develop and new found interest in his kids. He will most likely want to know what you are doing wrong when something happens bad with the children. It is all your fault.
-------or-------

I have been divorced for 9 years. My ex husband is 7.5 years behind in child support. He does not call, write, or visit. Luckly, my child does not blame himself or me yet. But in reality I know sometime he might. Right now, he sees it as his bio-dad was not ready to be a father. I know sooner or later he will have emotional issues with this.

My ex was not abusive and much like your husband. Just don't go into a divorce as it going to cure all your problems. You are trading problems. Sometimes this trade is worth it, for me it was but first I had to deal with my issues. Divorce is not a magical fairy that brings instant relief and joy.

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L.J.

· #10 · Jun 10, 2004

Marsupialmom
Great insight and (unfortunately) SO accurate.

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Millie Ivy

· #11 · Jun 10, 2004

Amen Marsupial!!! But I also have to second the opinion that the OP IS being emotionally abused. (Speaking of...Are you married to my ex??? jk...)

It isn't ok for him to treat you this way, but (darnit) you can't control him, you can only choose what you do. Get counseling for your self, if only to be able to see things clearer. If things truly do not change and you need out remember that you don't have to justify yourself to us, his parents, the local busybodies.... One of the crappiest things about emotional abuse is that it is SOOOO hidden from the world alot of the time. Sometimes just saying I need a week/month/undisclosed amount of time away can really put things into perspective and bring out true feelings and colors....

All in all, breathe, pray, and remember that if its a feeling you feel, it's a valid feeling....

PS Read Boundaries (It is from a christian perspective but even if you don't believe in all that, it has some truly life changing premises as far as healthy relationships go, completely helped me with my ex) "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend

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Soul-O

· #12 · Jun 10, 2004

Oh hon.... I wish I had some magic advice for you that would make your decision an easy one. I understand your dilemma. I was in an abusive marriage for many years, but my decision ended up being an easy one when stbx turned on my older son. The abuse was mostly verbal & emotional - disrespect, bad language, threatening to leave or divorce me if I didn't comply with his wishes etc., and there was some physical abuse, but the emotional was really far worse and had more staying power in the end. I agree with the others - you are being abused both verbally and emotionally. This man is showing contempt and scorn for you rather than the love and cherishing you deserve. If you don't leave, then I urge you to get counseling ASAP for yourself, and possibly for your older dds as well. This is not a healthy situation to be in for any of you. Only you can decide what is right in the end, but your emotional health and well-being are so important. You need to be strong to care for your girls, and they need to have a healthy female role model.

Good luck to you - please keep us posted on your decision.

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FreeBird

· #13 · Jun 10, 2004

Wow Soul-O, you gave me chills, I could have written your post. Sounds just like my stbx and I finally got the courage to leave him because of how he started treating DS#1.

BlondeMama, I feel for you. I agree that you should seek counseling. Ultimately, you have to make the decision whether to stay or go. You have to decide what you are willing to live with and what you cannot live with. It's not an easy decision, but you need to think about you and your children's happiness. Best wishes!

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blondemama

Discussion Starter · #14 · Jun 10, 2004

I'm going to definetely try councelling. I'm not planning on going anywhere right away. I know that divorce life is hell. I'm watching my sister go through hers right now. Her H left her and their son for another woman. He will go to councelling with me. Unfortunaley I didn't learn till much later how bad his dad abused everyone in the household. I think he's picked up some bad habits from watching his father who was abusive in every way except sexual as far as I know. I just want to take back control of my life. I feel like I've relinquished all control of it. My mom has suggested me scooping everyones stuff on the floor every night and putting it in a big container. If it's still there after a month it's gone. I think that'll help me out immensley. I've started to pretty much ignore him when he's home. Maybe if I seperate emotionally from him I'll feel better. Thanks mamas.

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