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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Luckily I have only been in one situation where someone has 'hit' my child. A friend (Friend#1) stopped by and our kids were playing, at my house. We were talking and she was sitting on the floor with the kids, her daughter in her lap, DS across from her. He reached out and hit her daughter. She grabbed his hand and tapped it saying "You do not hit!" I was in absolute shock. I have gone out of my way to say things like "I personally don't believe in hitting whatsoever." many many many times. So I thought I made it perfectly clear to all of my friends that hitting my child isn't appropriate. This friend is also very close with another friend (Friend#2), they are best friends. They are ok with each other disaplining the others child, meaning spanking. I didn't realize that Friend#1 felt we had the same kid of relationship.<br><br>
I was turely in such shock that I didn't say anything. I was so dissapointed in myself, but after 10 minutes had passed, and I figured out what to say, I felt I had lost my opportunity. So I didn't say anything. Just minutes before this incident I had asked the lady if she could watch DS for an hour the following day so I could mow the law (DH was deployed). As soon as she left I called an AP friend and explained the situation, she happily offered to come over and take DS for a walk while I mowed the lawn.<br><br>
So, I never brought it up again by decided I would never let either of the two spanking friends watch DS. Now it is a couple months later and I was talking to a different friend who informed me of something very disturbing that was said by Friend#2. She said that if anyones kid did something dangerous she felt it was her responsibility to disapline them, such as if a kid ran out the front door of our playgroup building, she would get the kid then spank them! I was absolutly appaulled. LUCKILY Friend#2 is moving to another base in a couple months.<br><br>
I was just wondering if anyone had experienced this mindset. If so how did you get your point across that your child is not to ever be spanked or disaplined by anyone besides you? Even if I choose to spank my child, I would be the one doing it, not my friends.<br><br>
Also, I am not in fear of my DS being spanked because he is usually in the main room with me. He sort of wanders down the hall, but I never lose site of him for more than 20 seconds. But if I were to see either of my spanking friends head down the hall I would casually go down with them, just in case.<br><br>
So, what do you say? What do you do?
 

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WOW! Even if I spanked my child I would consider it child abuse for someone else to do it, kwim? I have no idea how I would handle a situation like that, i never thought something like that would come up!
 

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Frankly, there are people, even relatives, who will never watch my daughter because I know they'd spank her. Trust your gut on this. People who believe spanking is *the way* will do it behind your back because "those kids need to get some discipline sooner or later." My daughter wasn't spanked, but she was treated poorly in a different non-AP way, after I explicity told the people involved what to do and what not to do. I learned my lesson.<br><br>
My non-AP friends know how I feel, and I would read them the riot act if they spanked my daughter. They all think I'm crazy for how I'm raising my daughter, but they also know I'd have a fit if they did that. I guess having a reputation for being crazy isn't always bad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
I love the irony that she hit him while saying, "You do not hit." DUH. How is it people can do that and not see how incredibly stupid it is?
 

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I would simply and frankly say to both the child and the friend (repeating yourself for the friend, while looking at the friend) "We do not hit our friends. Hitting hurts. We do not hit our children. Hitting hurts." Keeping it direct, brief and to the point.<br><br>
Lori
 

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If another mom, grandparent or caregiver is disciplining your child in an inappropriate way, I think stopping it and stating your expectations is important, both for you and your child. Something like 'maybe you didn't know, but I'm really uncomfortable with slapping hands or any kind of hitting of children as discipline. Please don't do that with my child.'
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"><br><br>
I would probably be shocked speechless too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yeah, I was very shocked which is why I didn't say anything. It was like my brain took 10 mintues to catch up. It has not happened since (that I know of) so I have only had the one incident. I do not leave him alone with the lady, eventhough I think she is a great woman, I just don't trust her in that way. I will leave him with my two friends who don't spank their own children (or hit, or slap, etc).<br><br>
If this happens again I like the pp's idea of saying 'maybe you didn't know, but I'm really uncomfortable with slapping hands or any kind of hitting of children as discipline. Please don't do that with my child.'
 

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I love the irony that she hit him while saying, "You do not hit." DUH. How is it people can do that and not see how incredibly stupid it is?</div>
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Yea this is thing that makes me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch">... I have seen it so many times and I just don't get how people think it's helpful.
 

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I'm a little "out there" on this one. I see that as assault, pure and simple. I imagine that my 21 year old self would hide and be silently outraged. My 27 year old self would tear her a new ..... And my 31 year old self would likely move the kiddos while I swiftly pinned her to the ground. I would likely tell her that I'll let her up when I am totally confident that she will not assault my child further, and then only so that she can walk directly to the door and leave.<br><br>
That's what 10 years of martial arts training will do! :LOL<br><br>
I would never speak to her again. But that's me.
 

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Hitting is abuse, period. I would make sure I protected my children from it. I would avoid the situations where I knew these friends would be unless I could confront them about it. Had she hit my child as she already has yours, I would have escorted her out of my house, told her she can NEVER hit a child and slammed the door in her face. Its abuse. If she knew my feelings and did it anyway, I would file a police report.<br><br>
ETA: My mom spanked my daughter one time. When I found out (I was not present), I made it very clear to my mom that she would never do that again and she would not be seeing Beth unsupervised for a while. She did not see her alone for a while. I stayed with them at all times for about a year. She claimed she didn't know. Beth was little and I can see the remote possibility she did not know. Even if I considered spanking an option Beth was not old enough at the time for me to consider spanking yet. Redirect, you know.
 

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We visit my grandparents every week. Ds kept going towards a power outlet, and I kept getting up and leading him away, distracting him with a toy. One time when he got up, my grandfather said "I'll get him." Well, he walked over and tapped his hand and said "No."<br>
I immediately jumped up and said "You can't do that to him. Don't ever hit him again."<br>
My grandfather looked shocked (it was, after all, a light tap on the hand.) I realized he was doing what he thought was best and said "Now you know."<br><br>
He has since told me to keep ds away from the outlet because "If he touches it, I WILL slap his hand." I don't really think he would, (he loves to irritate me,) but you can bet if he did, we wouldn't be going back.<br><br>
In a separate incident, my father told me that if ds ever touched an electrical outlet he would tell him "no" and if he touched it again, he would slap his hand. My reply was, "You better not EVER do anything like that or you won't be seeing him again for a long time. We don't hit our child and he is not to be hit by anyone, ever!" Similar to my grandfather, my dad looked shocked that I would say such a thing.<br><br>
I'm not sure why this was so shocking to both of them as I've stated very clearly more than once that I believe hitting anyone is wrong and we won't be hitting our child. Some people need to be told in no uncertain terms, I guess.
 

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Wow. I'm appalled for you.<br><br>
I haven't had this happen personaly, but the first thing that popped in to my head after reading your post was saying something like, "If you have a problem with my child, or he/she is doing something you think is inappropriate, you come and tell ME. It's MY job to discipline him, not yours."<br><br>
I'm almost speechless. But I agree, I'd be very hesitant to let her watch my kids again. And hitting as a punishment for hitting? That's like yelling at your kids to stop yelling. Duh
 

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Like the other posters, I'm shocked. Even being shocked at the time something like that happened, I think I would use the same words for my "friend" that she had used on my ds. I would turn her towards me (gently) and say, "You do not hit!"
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mpeel</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hitting is abuse, period. I would make sure I protected my children from it.</div>
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You are your child's best advocate. If you don't stick up for them, there isn't anyone else who will. I'm slowly learning this, too. It's hard to be confrontational, but it IS your ds your talking about. He's too little to understand what's going on and needs you to be the adult here. Sorry, I'm not trying to sound snotty at all- I hope I'm not coming across that way!<br><br>
Shannon
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Like the other posters, I'm shocked. Even being shocked at the time something like that happened, I think I would use the same words for my "friend" that she had used on my ds. I would turn her towards me (gently) and say, "You do not hit!"</td>
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That reminds me of a similar incident with my grandmother a few years ago, though the victim involved was a cat, not a child.<br><br>
I knew she had been hitting him b/c his behavior was getting quite violent, and he wasn't normally like that. BTW, GM lies through her teeth when confronted about her actions. Always. So it's a big production to communicate with her to stop doing something. We went through for weeks the part (all the while I told her not to hit) where I politely ask and she lies, and I calmly present evidence and she denies it, I tell her to stop hitting anyway, and eventually I wore her down and she lashed out that the damn cat needed to be hit so he could learn not to jump on things. That's the only way to teach someone who won't learn. So I asked her if that meant that I needed to hit her since she clearly wasn't learning any other way.<br><br>
She didn't speak to me for months.<br><br>
But she never hit the cat again.
 

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It has happened to us, and the last time, I was absolutely furious.<br><br>
I looked at the offender, and growled like a demon, "Do not hit my children! DO...NOT...EVER...TOUCH...MY CHILDREN...IN..ANGER! You have NO right to discipline my children, when I, their parent, am standing right here. And you WILL NOT touch my children if you can't be gentle and loving."<br><br>
There was a huge arguement, where they repeatedly justified their behavior, and I repeated the above, over and over again. I told them they could gently pick the kids up and move them. They could come get myself or my DH to deal with a problem. But they could NOT treat my children roughly. EVER.<br><br>
i also have no qualms about confronting people on making threats either. A family member is the WORST when it comes to making threats to motivate children. I have been known to point blank look people in the face and ask them, "Are you really going to follow through with that threat? Because don't say it, if you are not ready to follow through on it!" And if it is a threat of physical violence, I say nothing, round up my children, and leave. I don't care if we have all of our stuff. We go.<br><br>
Generally, when things have calmed down, and we aren't in the heat of the moment, I will outline other strategies for dealing with the kids.
 
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