others trying to discipline my DD

Dodo I have issues with the way she states these very snotty and ie outside while playing she teels her no loud talking or yelling its rude she said. I am not really focusing on house rules I am more saying if my DC are in need of some quidance I am the one who should guide not others???I may be sensative to this due to the BAD relations between the family and my sister???but I was just curious iof others go through this???I think house rules are fine but I see a difference in setting house rules and disciplining when it is needed???I dunno :

I don't have an issues with IF it's done -- it's all about HOW it's done.

For example, no one is allowed to raise their voice to my child. My father tried this once, and I quickly told him not to do that, it wasn't necessary (though I still yell when all my buttons are pushed : ... I am trying very hard to overcome that).

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my mil used to do this. Her shining moment was when she noticed a crayon drawing on one of our walls and got down into my very sensitive ds' face (he was about 4 at the time) with her finger wagging, and scolding him about writing on walls, how hard Daddy works to pay for the house, etc. He looked scared. I scooped ds up and told mil, "It wasn't him." (It was his baby sister's artwork and it was a few weeks old!) Then focused my attention on ds.

I handled every incident like that--a quick word to mil, "I'll handle it" or whatever, and then focus on the child, either explaining my feelings about the subject, if we were in our home, or explaining in a kinder way than mil, that "Nana doesn't like shoes on her couch" or whatever.

I have to say, mil never stopped this behavior, but intervening when she was being unkind was important to my ds. He soon adopted the attitude that, "That's just the way Nana is." but while very little, needed to know that someone would stand up for him.

good luck!

I think the touching the cake or putting feet on couch is a good thing to get corrected on. Those are pretty common rules at most houses. That sounds mostly like a family issue you might have (I had the same thing for a while - with my Omaha mom, none the less! :LOL)
That being said, isn't it such a relief to hang out with other relaxed moms!?!?! I just love not having to deal with all that with my close friends.
Here's what we do, and what I recommend you do. Don't undermine your parents with DC. Sure, you're house rules are great for your house, but your kids should learn respect for other people's spaces. I just say, that's Grandma's rules at her house, and we need to follow them. don't say she's wrong or anything, or you might end up with a snotty DC around relatives ("I don't have to follow YOUR rules!")

I think the same applies for being loud, like you mentioned. My mom is super sensitive about what her neighbors think of her. In fact my inlaws are the same . But my kids know that not everything that is okay at home, is okay at Grandparent's houses (or most relatives houses!). Alot of this is outside stuff - peeing in the yard, running naked, yelling, etc. We don't stay for long either. But I just explain it as that's their rules, and that's fine for people to have different rules than at our house.

I would do the same as PP if a relative were talking innappropriately to DC. Like yelling, degrading, etc. And I do, actually, and they've learned. I'll say (to relative) " Please don't talk to him like that, we just don't have these same rules at home, so he doesn't know what's expected here". Since DC will probably be right there, you can then (in front of grandma) tell DC in a nice way, and explain the different rules thing short and simple.

HTH!
if not - I still feel your pain!

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To which I would say something like: "I agree and I don't have a problem with that, but when she breaks a rule it's my responsibility to handle her."

I have asked family members' children not to do things upon occassion. Like asking my neice "Could you please not jump on the bed in front of Jason because he's not allowed to at home. He can play other things with you or I can take him into the living room while you stay in here to jump on the bed without him" And it was her bed/her house so maybe I was overstepping my bounds, but I was not going to let her stand in the bed with my son trying to make him jump regardless of what she's allowed to do because he's my child. Yet I wanted to be careful not to make her feel judged because the rules she had were different. Another time after J had been playing in the vertical blinds (our house) I asked him to please get out of the blinds and find something else to do, my nephew laughed and immediately beelined straight for the blinds and started slinging them around his mother ignored it so I said "NAME HERE, you really should find something else to play to" at which she screamed "Yes, NAME HERE, stop it!" So if someone was just telling my child "At gramma's house, we don't put our feet on the couch." or "Please don't touch the cake" or pointing out the rule here I probably wouldn't mind; but if they were yelling at her, grabbing her feet to move them off the couch for her, chastizing her about the 'right' way to act (which is subjective anyway) or trying to hit or punish her in anyway then I would not be ok with it and would either confront them or leave, maybe both.

ETA: Ok, I feel a little repetative now, but a lot was added while was sloly typing.

thanks for the GREAT insights..I do have to say the finger in the cake..It was her own B-day cake and at my moms house she has always been able to destroy her own cake...but she know not everyone wants her fingers in thier cake... :LOL
but as for all the advice dealing with mil and others I am gaining the streanght to say what I need to and I am feeling more empowered a part due to moms on this site

and for sister and issues WOW do we have them..i just didnt like the concept of her taking my daughter aside to direct her when i was right ther my toes felt steped on

so anyway you all rock and thanks for all the comments.....

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I've got a problem with this as well. My MIL, dh's uncle, and a neighbor are all really bad about this and it drives me nuts.

For example, if I tell the kids that it's time to go inside and one of them balks, it's okay. Who wants to go inside if they're having fun playing in the dirt? I *expect* them to need help transitioning--it's no big deal. I'm not one of those mamas that demands total and immediate obedience.

While we're going through our familiar going-inside routine MIL/uncle/neighbor will butt in with, "Your mom told you to go inside! You need to be a good boy/girl and listen to what she says!"

It's just really adversarial and automatically puts the kids in defense mode. Wouldn't it you? So what could have been just a simple transition becomes a power struggle--all because someone else was unable to stay out of it.

It really bugs me. And every time I say, "It's okay, I"m taking care of it," it seems like they do it *more* because, after all, I'm obviously not doing it right.

i REALLY hate it when my parents try to discipline my boys as they are so negative and insulting. for instance we were at my house in my older sons room, he was excited because grandad was here he was playing and got all excited and threw a cushion at his grandad, he happened to have a hot cup of tea in front of him. my dad immidaitely becane very cross which can be scary and said' no oliver thats naughty' i think this was entirely unreasonable and immidiately my very sensitive son burys his face in his arms and is very upset because as far as he knew he had just been playing, he was not being remotely naughty.

so i stepped in told oliver that throwing things at people when they had hot drinks in front of them was dangerous because the drink may spill on the person and hurt them and that grandad had been cross because he was worried and having the cushion thrown at him made him jump and had scared him. he has spoken to him harshly on other occasions too when i have been standing right there and he over reacts and frightens my son.

my mother believes that when my 2 yo becomes over excited and bositerous if he throws anything (which he does when he is very excited) i should tell him he is naughty like thats going to help him learn not to throw, thogh she has become more positve in the way that she talks to them.

i just find it very insulting when someone reprimands my child for something they have done when i am right there like i am not capable of disucssing it with my child myself.

so i understand exactly why you are sensitive.