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others trying to discipline my DD

1110 Views 30 Replies 20 Participants Last post by  peacefulmom
OK what do you do if others ie grandparents and ie. my sister stepping in and disciplining my child..such as my sister telling her to keep feet of g-mas couch and not to touch the cake..and even getting to her level and telling her the "right " ways to act...I get so irritated..I said before that I am here and I can tell her ..and my mother in law will say in her house my children are to go by her rules....
this is one reason we have only been there and seen them 1 time in a year
: What do you all think and do.
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Are your MIL's rules out of line? I just posted on another thread saying that it's okay for hosts to explain house rules to visiting children. I never thought that someone might find that offensive.
Dodo I have issues with the way she states these very snotty and ie outside while playing she teels her no loud talking or yelling its rude she said. I am not really focusing on house rules I am more saying if my DC are in need of some quidance I am the one who should guide not others???I may be sensative to this due to the BAD relations between the family and my sister???but I was just curious iof others go through this???I think house rules are fine but I see a difference in setting house rules and disciplining when it is needed???I dunno
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Ok, so your family is rude when they're disciplining. That does sound annoying.

I generally like it when others guide my kids, but that might be because most people are more patient that I am, not less, which seems to be the case with your relatives.
I guess I feel it is ok for someone to correct my child at thier house and explain to her how she should act while there. it is my job to decide if it is worth the hassle of going t5ghere if I think there are too many rules, unreasonable ruls etc. . .I do expect them to do educate gently and with respect and not usurp my athourity when I am disciplining my child but i woul dhave no problem with my SIL leaniong over and telling dd matter of factly that at this houe we don't put our feet on the couch or even that we can't yell in the yard or whatever. so long as they wee nice about it.
i've got no issues with mil or my mom instituting house rules with dd (she is 2). they are both around us enough to see and know that we use gentle discipline and have not done anything we would not approve of. children can be quick learners - dd has caught on that some things are or are not allowed at mil or my mom's house vs here.

similarily, when we are in playgroup sometimes we need to correct each others children as well - i don't have an issue with that either.
I don't have an issues with IF it's done -- it's all about HOW it's done.

For example, no one is allowed to raise their voice to my child. My father tried this once, and I quickly told him not to do that, it wasn't necessary (though I still yell when all my buttons are pushed
: ... I am trying very hard to overcome that).
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Originally Posted by peacefulmom
..and even getting to her level and telling her the "right " ways to act...
my mil used to do this. Her shining moment was when she noticed a crayon drawing on one of our walls and got down into my very sensitive ds' face (he was about 4 at the time) with her finger wagging, and scolding him about writing on walls, how hard Daddy works to pay for the house, etc. He looked scared. I scooped ds up and told mil, "It wasn't him." (It was his baby sister's artwork and it was a few weeks old!) Then focused my attention on ds.

I handled every incident like that--a quick word to mil, "I'll handle it" or whatever, and then focus on the child, either explaining my feelings about the subject, if we were in our home, or explaining in a kinder way than mil, that "Nana doesn't like shoes on her couch" or whatever.

I have to say, mil never stopped this behavior, but intervening when she was being unkind was important to my ds. He soon adopted the attitude that, "That's just the way Nana is." but while very little, needed to know that someone would stand up for him.

good luck!
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We have yet to reach that stage, but I wouldn't let others mistreat my DD, regardless of whose house we were out. It's one thing for them to have rules that should be followed in their own home - I think that's totally fair. However, I would never let my aunt/MIL/SIL/whoever yell at, shame or use any other non-gentle approach to get her to follow those rules. I think you're within your rights to tell them to stop that!
I have no issue with people wanting their house rules (food eaten only in the kitchen or no running through the house) to be followed, but it's all in how they request it, and if they were having any difficulty with my child I would prefer they go to me before taking it upon themselves. I would be okay with people being unkind, disrespectful, or harsh when dealing with my kids...and I would tell them so. (My kid prob would too :LOL)
Becuase my children are still young, I expect the host to tell ME the rules. But then, I would take the initiative to ask, and I do, whenever we are visiting someone.

The only way I have found to make sure others don't discipline your child is to basically BUTT IN. I step right in there and "do my thing", basically ignoring whatever the other person is saying or doing. I think this sends a very clear message without me having to say anything that *I* will handle the discipline and it is not their place to do so. I might smile and say "oh, I'll take care of this" so as to not be rude, but my body is already taking over and so there is no discussion about it.

When my kids are older, I will have them ask the host/hostess before they do something (or ask me if they are too shy), and I wouldn't mind someone else telling them a "rule" but I would expect them to do it as respectfully as they would tell me a "rule" as well.
I think the touching the cake or putting feet on couch is a good thing to get corrected on. Those are pretty common rules at most houses. That sounds mostly like a family issue you might have (I had the same thing for a while - with my Omaha mom, none the less! :LOL)
That being said, isn't it such a relief to hang out with other relaxed moms!?!?! I just love not having to deal with all that with my close friends.
Here's what we do, and what I recommend you do. Don't undermine your parents with DC. Sure, you're house rules are great for your house, but your kids should learn respect for other people's spaces. I just say, that's Grandma's rules at her house, and we need to follow them. don't say she's wrong or anything, or you might end up with a snotty DC around relatives ("I don't have to follow YOUR rules!")

I think the same applies for being loud, like you mentioned. My mom is super sensitive about what her neighbors think of her. In fact my inlaws are the same
. But my kids know that not everything that is okay at home, is okay at Grandparent's houses (or most relatives houses!). Alot of this is outside stuff - peeing in the yard, running naked, yelling, etc. We don't stay for long either. But I just explain it as that's their rules, and that's fine for people to have different rules than at our house.

I would do the same as PP if a relative were talking innappropriately to DC. Like yelling, degrading, etc. And I do, actually, and they've learned. I'll say (to relative) " Please don't talk to him like that, we just don't have these same rules at home, so he doesn't know what's expected here". Since DC will probably be right there, you can then (in front of grandma) tell DC in a nice way, and explain the different rules thing short and simple.

if not - I still feel your pain!
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Originally Posted by peacefulmom
my mother in law will say in her house my children are to go by her rules....
To which I would say something like: "I agree and I don't have a problem with that, but when she breaks a rule it's my responsibility to handle her."

I have asked family members' children not to do things upon occassion. Like asking my neice "Could you please not jump on the bed in front of Jason because he's not allowed to at home. He can play other things with you or I can take him into the living room while you stay in here to jump on the bed without him" And it was her bed/her house so maybe I was overstepping my bounds, but I was not going to let her stand in the bed with my son trying to make him jump regardless of what she's allowed to do because he's my child. Yet I wanted to be careful not to make her feel judged because the rules she had were different. Another time after J had been playing in the vertical blinds (our house) I asked him to please get out of the blinds and find something else to do, my nephew laughed and immediately beelined straight for the blinds and started slinging them around his mother ignored it so I said "NAME HERE, you really should find something else to play to" at which she screamed "Yes, NAME HERE, stop it!" So if someone was just telling my child "At gramma's house, we don't put our feet on the couch." or "Please don't touch the cake" or pointing out the rule here I probably wouldn't mind; but if they were yelling at her, grabbing her feet to move them off the couch for her, chastizing her about the 'right' way to act (which is subjective anyway) or trying to hit or punish her in anyway then I would not be ok with it and would either confront them or leave, maybe both.

ETA: Ok, I feel a little repetative now, but a lot was added while was sloly typing.
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thanks for the GREAT insights..I do have to say the finger in the cake..It was her own B-day cake and at my moms house she has always been able to destroy her own cake...but she know not everyone wants her fingers in thier cake... :LOL
but as for all the advice dealing with mil and others I am gaining the streanght to say what I need to and I am feeling more empowered a part due to moms on this site

and for sister and issues WOW do we have them..i just didnt like the concept of her taking my daughter aside to direct her when i was right ther my toes felt steped on

so anyway you all rock and thanks for all the comments.....
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I'm not the one that started this thread, but I sure do appreciate the advice! I was just having questions about this myself.


Originally Posted by peacefulmom
i just didnt like the concept of her taking my daughter aside to direct her when i was right ther my toes felt steped on

I've got a problem with this as well. My MIL, dh's uncle, and a neighbor are all really bad about this and it drives me nuts.

For example, if I tell the kids that it's time to go inside and one of them balks, it's okay. Who wants to go inside if they're having fun playing in the dirt? I *expect* them to need help transitioning--it's no big deal. I'm not one of those mamas that demands total and immediate obedience.

While we're going through our familiar going-inside routine MIL/uncle/neighbor will butt in with, "Your mom told you to go inside! You need to be a good boy/girl and listen to what she says!"

It's just really adversarial and automatically puts the kids in defense mode. Wouldn't it you? So what could have been just a simple transition becomes a power struggle--all because someone else was unable to stay out of it.

It really bugs me. And every time I say, "It's okay, I"m taking care of it," it seems like they do it *more* because, after all, I'm obviously not doing it right.
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An interesting thread, particularly since we're staying at my dad's house for the summer while we're renovating our home!

Generally, I say if it's their house, it's their rules. The only exception I make is if there is a direct conflict with something the host permits (standing on the couch) and something I don't permit.

As to HOW something is said to my tender but strong willed 16 mo old - I've spoken to my dad about not speaking loudly. I just said to him, Dad, I appreciate your efforts to help with Ethan, and while we're in your house we'll respect your rules, but we don't support speaking loudly to him. If you want to tell him something, please get down to his level and tell him directly. Or ask me and I will tell him.

He looked at me like I'm a liberal weanie nut job (suppose I am :LOL) but he listened. And that brings up the second caveat of parenting - yes, your house your rules, but my child my style.
i REALLY hate it when my parents try to discipline my boys as they are so negative and insulting. for instance we were at my house in my older sons room, he was excited because grandad was here he was playing and got all excited and threw a cushion at his grandad, he happened to have a hot cup of tea in front of him. my dad immidaitely becane very cross which can be scary and said' no oliver thats naughty' i think this was entirely unreasonable and immidiately my very sensitive son burys his face in his arms and is very upset because as far as he knew he had just been playing, he was not being remotely naughty.

so i stepped in told oliver that throwing things at people when they had hot drinks in front of them was dangerous because the drink may spill on the person and hurt them and that grandad had been cross because he was worried and having the cushion thrown at him made him jump and had scared him. he has spoken to him harshly on other occasions too when i have been standing right there and he over reacts and frightens my son.

my mother believes that when my 2 yo becomes over excited and bositerous if he throws anything (which he does when he is very excited) i should tell him he is naughty
like thats going to help him learn not to throw, thogh she has become more positve in the way that she talks to them.

i just find it very insulting when someone reprimands my child for something they have done when i am right there like i am not capable of disucssing it with my child myself.

so i understand exactly why you are sensitive.
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We are currently dealing with this same sort of topic right now too. Some of you GD mamas would be proud of DP and I, but at the same time, I know others would be furious with us.

Anyway, I've been ranting about it over in the parenting forums. We're still trying to figure out how to blend two families together when the parenting styles are radically different. I am beggining to want to start doing to GF what she is doing to her children (and DS) all the time, but I don't want to go to jail for assault!
I wouldn't like others telling my child how to behave or act. I would tell them to mind their own business - I am the parent! Not you!

But I also wonder soemthing else...

Does your family tell your child how to act because they are too controlling bossy... or is it because you do not realize your chidren's behavior is lacking courtesy when in places not at home (like fingering cake before it is time to blow out the candles, putting feet on furniture.) If it is the latter, perhaps you should take more initiative in showing your child proper "manners" when they are a guest in somebody's home, even if that home is the house of a family member.

To be honest, if a child was over my house and put thier dirty feet on my sofa and fingered a cake (even if it was thier birthday) I would wonder why the mother is not saying something to the child, because this isn't polite behavior.
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