Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,519 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DD1 is 3.5. She's a very stong willed kid. Lately when she starts tantrumming she hits, kicks, and scratches me. I can't always head off tantrums, and she follows me around screaming and hurting me.<br>
What can I do? I don't want to keep getting hurt, and it scares DD2.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
545 Posts
Can you put her in a separate room during a tantrum and leave her for a bit to work it out and calm down? Explain to her that she cannot continue to behave in that manner as it hurts you and scares her sister and when she calms down she is more than welcome to join you again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,519 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>NaomiMcC</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9039175"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Can you put her in a separate room during a tantrum and leave her for a bit to work it out and calm down? Explain to her that she cannot continue to behave in that manner as it hurts you and scares her sister and when she calms down she is more than welcome to join you again.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I've tried that- she runs after me, screaming.<br>
I'm at a total loss.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,519 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Anyone, pleasE?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
Hoo boy, have we been there. It's getting better (4 is SO much better than 3, so far), but we still have those days. Here are my thoughts.... and what I *try* to do.<br><br>
Since reading Unconditional Parenting a few years ago, I have carried in my mind the realization that trying to escape her behavior (putting her somewhere else or leaving the room she's in, etc) when she's acting poorly not only doesn't send the message I want it to, but it actually exacerbates the problem, every time. Walking away or putting her in her room or any other attempt to show her that "that behavior won't get you what you want" utterly *fails* to calm her down or get what *I* want. Every. Time.<br><br>
If, instead, I try to be present with her, either by sitting next to her or by holding her, the tantrum blows over... usually with a final explosion of feelings and a sad request to nurse (not recently, but a few months ago it was all about the nursing to feel better). Now, she definitely tries to hurt me, but I defend myself by either holding (gently) her arms or legs, or I tell her calmly that I want to help her feel better but that I can't let her hurt me. Sometimes I do need to move aside a bit so she can't reach me, but as long as I stay calm, it does get better. I usually try to talk to her quietly if that doesn't evoke screams of rage, in an attempt to give her words that maybe someday she'll use instead of screaming, but sometimes it's better to just sit quietly and let it blow over.<br><br>
I hope that helps - I usually keep my advice to myself, since every family is different, but I didn't want you to go unanswered!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,519 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
No, I really appreciate it. Most of the time I do hold her, but I can't hold her tight enough so that she doesn't hurt me without worrying that I'm hurting her, if that makes sense.<br>
It's just tough- I get so upset that she's hurting me, and DD2 gets really frightened. As soon as DD1 calms down it's as if nothing happened- at least for her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
Oh, I definitely understand the worry about holding too tight. I began sitting next to her when I started getting to the point of worrying about how tight I might need to hold her. It *is* really hard - I don't have to worry about another little one yet, so I can only offer my sympathies on that count (maybe someone else has ideas on that count?) - but it's become pretty clear to me that she just feels things so strongly that she can't do anything about her strong reactions but go with them (YET - as they say, this too may pass <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> ).<br><br>
But yep, when dd is through the tantrum, it's like she wasn't even there when there was someone screaming and hitting in the house. Exasperating, but I guess that's what it's like to be a child - every moment is a new one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
220 Posts
Best of luck theretohere, wish I could help! I agree with lazra 100% on the Unconditional Parenting perspective. That book helped me tremendously in transforming my parenting style. I, too don't have another little one to think about during a tantrum.<br><br>
I can only add that when my son tantrums I go into full sympathetic mode and it seems to bring him out of it faster. He's not a big tantrumer (yet, with parenting you never know what awaits you huh?) only 10-15 minutes max and not that intense or frequent. But when he does, I try to repeat the possible feelings that led to it like, "You wanted that. I get it. You seem frustrated. You wanted it now. Oh sweetie, I understand." I say it very softly and drawn out, almost like I'm mourning with him. When he feels heard, he seems to calm down quickly.<br><br>
Or sometimes I'll ask, "Is there anything I can do to help you? Do you want me to hold you? Do you want me to sit here? Do you want me to go wait over there?" When he starts answering the questions, he also starts getting distracted from having the tantrum in the first place.<br><br>
When the tantrums long done, I use a quiet, calm moment to talk about what led to it and what we can do differently together to avoid them. But I've also heard they are great emotional releases for kids.<br>
HTH!
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top