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Ugh! Okay, I'm finally posting about this.....

DH and I have a much better relationship/situation than a lot of people. I realize that. I'd say everything but our romantic relationship is fantastic!

When you stack it against things like him: being a good provider, wonderful father, respectful to me, etc. it may seem like small potatoes.

But....I really want some assemblance of passion and it's absolutely nil in that department.

Here's the story....may be a little long, please bear with me.....

We met and before long we were seeing each other almost daily. There was some passion in the beginning....but after even just 2 months I noticed a difference.

After just 6 months I was pregnant. He wasn't estatic, but he did stick around. And believe me, he had every out. Even 'till my last months I never made any presumtions about even moving in. I made sure that he had every out possible. I was willing to go it alone if he wanted to just end it....I was very sensitive to this because his first marriage was because he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant....they were both very young.

But, I did move in. When DS was 2 1/2 we finally got married so I'd finally have health insurance. It didn't change much with us....sometimes we even forget that we're actually married. Wasn't much of a big deal.

We've been together for nearly 5 years now. After those first couple months there hasn't been much, if any, passion. I've talked it to death with him and he insists that it's his issues, has nothing to do with my looks, etc. He does say that I'm the one....but he doesn't act like it. He does fear that I'll leave him, but if you had a great housekeeper, farmhand and nanny wouldn't you be worried about that too?

We're quite civil, say I love you a lot, there's a peck on the lips everyday and every so often a grab or two.

Anything physical is started by me because I get tired of waiting for him....and it's gotten to the point that I only try once a month or so because I'm so tired of being let down.

There's always some reason for him not expressing love for me physically or even with a few sincere words. I really feel like I'm last on the "to do" list and since there's always way more "to do" than there's time for I just get left out.

I know not everyone equates a physical relationship with love, but I do love him and I really really need the physical aspect of it. Even if it's just a loving/passionate look from him or something. I've never even been told I'm beautiful, cute, etc. Ever. I realize I'm not much to look at, but if you've decided to share a life with someone you should at least be able to stand to look at them everyday.

And he jokes a lot. I realize that's his way and I used to love that, but when that's all you hear and you never ever hear anything sincere it turns ugly. He doesn't mean it that way but I'm bitter about not hearing any sincerity or loving words from him so the joking just seems like a kick in the gut and I take it personally even though he doesn't mean it that way.

I just feel very unappreciated, unloved and in need of a major passionate show from him.

I know he has issues from his ex-wife, and growing up in a great family but not a very physically loving one.

But I've survived those issues as well, coupled with molestation from my childhood. I just feel like since I've overcome so much he should be able to try harder.

Am I being crazy? Expecting too much?
 

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I have no answers but wanted to post to send you support. I am in a similar situation (not the same backstory, but pretty much the same outcome) and I don't know what to do about it either. I hope you find peace with whatever path to contentment you find yourself on.
 

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Am I being crazy? Expecting too much?
In short, NO and NO.

I'm answering this is personal experience. Physical intimacy is extremely important. I was very naive about this when I got married and it wasn't until very recently (in the last 2 years) have I fully appreciated how important physical intimacy is. I was always of the mindset that sex isn't love and that love was really all that matters.

Until. . .let's just say that a sexless marriage quickly breeds anger and resentment. Anger and resentment destroy love. I've been married 7 years. Two years ago, I was probably in a similar place you are now. But now, I seriously doubt we'll make it to our next anniversary.

The issue isn't so much the physical intimacy, it's the communication surrounding it. If the partner with the problem is completely open and honest about the issue and makes a conscious effort to resolve it, then love can flourish. If both people feel they are working together as a team, love is strengthened. But when one partner is not open to discussing the issue and refuses to acknowledge the problem or seek help, well, the other person is left feeling hurt and unappreciated it and starving for intimacy. And that's where I am now and things aren't looking so great.
 

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One other thing. This issue isn't "pathetic". I used to think it was a minor issue, since DH is a good father, provider, etc. But this issue ended up being like the iceburg that sunk the Titanic. . looks small from the surface but it enormous underneath. And just like that iceburg, it's torn a huge hole in our marriage.
 

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I was getting rady to post a new thread...titled..he's checked out on me....but looks like you've started one already! I too am in this situation....different begining..same outcome..like the other mama said also.....I've brought his lack of passion, love, acknowledgement, up a few times in the past year and still nothing has changed. Even today i had a full breakdown....i just can not take it anymore.....crying for hours break down...and he's asking what's wrong and i explain...i need you to do this, and this and this.....please! And he says....you know i love you! Oh really! I thought htat i could at least get a hug or kiss or something to console my poor sole and nada....nothing. Not even a goodnight kiss, not even a goodnight!
I feel that it's even harder on my end....as us women all do.....the major deal breaker for me is that ....i moved 1500 miles away from my family, friends, church.....2 of my children to move to Mexico because his immigration problems! And now im here and have given up so much to be with him. And he's really not even here for me!
I feel isolated most days......i want to homeschool my 4yo...but i cant even seem to get my head out from under my turtle shell. I've come a long way spritually, emotionally, mentally.....im in a different place then he is. Have i grown and he hasnt? What is it.
I've lost all my baby fat.....i feel great with my body....but i get nothing from him in return.
I had to beg him to take me on a date night....actually dinner night. My mom came here for 2 weeks over the summer....and he did take me out for dinner....but i begged....i even got ready and felt so pretty....did my hair....put on a favorite dress....and he's still sitting around...not dressed, showered....like he was waiting for an excuse not to take me. He finally gets ready....we go out. I did enjoy it.....but looking back....why was he not as excited as i was?
I need love, i need him. Now i feel like im looking for a deal breaker....do i let this little aspect go...because everything else is ok? We are having a very very hard time financially.....he feels bad about that...but i've had it worse off before...i can go with out....But not with out his love and affection!
To the original poster....mama your not alone!
:
 

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OP- it almost sounds like you are roommates or friends but not partners. Does that make sense?

My dh is my best friend and I love him and want to be intimate with him. If dh was just my friend, I could see having sex would be an issue. I mean, do you have sex with your friends?

I think dh needs to consider whether he really believes in sole mates, partners etc the same way you do. It sounds like he believes you guys are more friends than partners.

I think your hubby loves you but doesn't know how to show it. He needs to treat you like a partner. Giving hugs, kisses, a sweet word- everday- multiple times a day for you to feel loved. WHat does he need to feel loved?

I would tackle the above questions and you might find out what he needs to be a partner/loved.

*hugs*
 

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My DH and I have been down this road. I asked him if he was gay once. Men LOVE this. :p

We're in a better place at the moment. This is what helped us, in no particular order....

Spending more time together, both as a family and without DD. It's kinda hard to get from chore charts to passion, and we were missing the friendship in between.

Me spending more time/money on my appearance. I don't think DH values my appearance *in and of itself* but he likes the confidence and self-care that comes with better looks.

Eliminating soy from his diet.

TTC baby #2
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
UPDATE

Well, we talked online this morning. We're both much better at expressing ourselves through the written word than verbally.

There was a major revelation (sorry, ladies, won't share) and we'll be working through it together. We have a starting place now and I'm hoping this is our start down the road to where we want to be.

We both love each other but have issues stemming from things that have happened before our relationship.

Thanks for all the support. It really helped me think through this.
 

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Yikes. Looks like some of you could do well with spending some time reading Dr. Harley's articles on MarriageBuilders.com. It may not all apply, but the site has helped me tremendously in my relationship, and understanding my partner; and he reads the articles I leave up for him, which also helps. Perhaps start with this article...? Good luck!
 

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I just want to reiterate: your issues are SOOOOO NOT pathetic!!!!

Sexual intimacy is totally an important part of marriage!! I am on the other side of it from you--I'm the one who is not interested in sex with my spouse--yet I kind of feel it from your perspective, too, since my problem is that I'm still interested in sex but not with my spouse (in other words, that I have needs that are not being met and this hurts and frustrates me, even if it isn't directly my dh's "fault" that I'm not getting what I need). Not dealing with this problem led me to a very vulnerable place (meeting someone for whom I developed intense romantic feelings). I didn't deal with it because I thought I could "get away" with not dealing with it, because I convinced myself that it really wasn't a big deal, because I was worried what dealing it with it would entail, what sticky emotional issues would come up as a result of dealing with it. Things became much more ugly and complicated for me internally before I finally decided to face my feelings and deal with them.

I say all this to assure you that the problems you are facing are in no way trivial and that you have every right to honor your feelings! Don't dismiss your needs and your desires, I believe that when we do this, we are denying a part of our very spirit. Your spirit is calling you now: open the door to it!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by La Sombra View Post
say all this to assure you that the problems you are facing are in no way trivial and that you have every right to honor your feelings! Don't dismiss your needs and your desires, I believe that when we do this, we are denying a part of our very spirit. Your spirit is calling you now: open the door to it!
 
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