[1jooj]

Help me work through this, please.

Ds (28 mos) was weaned suddenly at 21 months, due to my receiving methotrexate treatment for an ectopic pg. It was an extended moment of trauma--pain kept me from reacting well to his needs. He was too young to get why he was suddenly not allowed to nurse--he had been nursing easily 5 times a day, plus nights. This all happened in the middle of the week, and (for several reasons) dh could not take time off to be at home with us; other help was not available. Dh's "solution" was to offer ds a bottle of warm milk at wind-down times. It worked.

Seven months later after several unilateral attempts to get rid of this habit (only to be told by dh to get ds the bottle rather than see his tears--or to see dh go himself and get it), I threw the bottles away. I gave ds 2 days' warning and reminded him every time he had one how much closer we were to d-day...and yesterday was day 1 without bottles. Went OK. Some begging, but I showed him they were gone, and I explained that bottles are for babies whose mamas bobos don't make milk, etc... Ds is is not a baby, he'll tell you--he wants to be a big boy.

Day 2: a little AM crying, (dh is at work thankfully) but ds ate a huge breakfast of eggs and bread and tea with milk. I think we might be onto something. But how to get dh to suck it up and deal with helping ds grow through this stage??? This is pretty much how he deals with ds when he's upset--give him something--junk food, power tools, anything he should not have. Last night, when ds started to cry and beg, dh just went to bed and left me to deal with it. I prefer this to being sabotaged, but COME ON.

 

[taz925]

Hi,

I had similar issues with my DH and my first son. You must tell your husband the following:

You are not doing your son any favors by giving in to him.

Each time crying gets the child his way, next time he will cry even longer to get what he wants. You must be the adult and you have to set the limits. He NEEDS you to do it, he can't regulate himself that way.

If you don't you will have a totally uncontrollable child on your hands. I have a child who just crys and crys to get his way, I don't give in. When we did, it was worse the next time. It is so hard to here him cry but I have to.

My DH undermined bedtime (we would take him up and he would fuss and cry and then my DH would take him back downstairs for awhile and then come back up) and left me to deal with a crying to kid several nights before my son got the message that crying will not get him out of the bed. I had to hold him down and in the bed and I was pregnant at the time. I really resented my DH abandoning me and it was before he understood that my son needed us to do this with him. My son now goes to bed most nights without crying, but sometimes he still tests us to see if we really mean it.

Good Luck,
Doreen

 

[justmama]

Wow, I can really feel your frustration. I personally would have a nice sit-down chat with DH about his behavior. You guys both need to figure out a way to deal with ds and his behavior. My daughter self-weaned from bottles at 23months and there was no crying so I can't really give you any advice about that. BUT I hate to hear you being so frustrated. I really think the root of the problem is the miscommunication between you and DH. Maybe it's the both of you not communicating well, maybe it's him not being willing to communicate. I dont' know. BUT you need to get it together, both of you. Your son is going to become completely miserable with his parents "fighting" over what is happening(not really fighting but you understand what I mean) and the inconsistent attitudes towards bottles and such. I wish you tons of luck and here's some love to get you through this tough time!

Meg

 

[1jooj]

Thanks.

Luckily, Day One coincided with a day-long visit from G-ma. At suppertime, when ds was really overtired from not having napped (the downside of a G-ma visit), he lost it at the table (no tantrum, just utter grief). Dh asked whether I could just get hima bottle. I said they'd gone to the trash already, so no. Mom said, verbatim, "giving him one now won't be doing him any favors."

I think it helped. I tried explaining the lactase-tooth decay issue before. Dh does not get it. He thinks the nutrition in a bottle of milk outweighs the negatives. Mom told him ds would end up with crooked teeth. Whatever--he respects Mom's authority and did not argue--just held ds. I think this will go faster and easier than I thought. I am glad I finally just threw the things out. Yuck.