[TopHat]

Sometimes we have church playgroups at my house. It really really really bothers me when kids get put into timeout or are spanked in my house. Would it be awful of me to say something like, "I'm sorry, but spanking isn't allowed in the house. If you'd like to do that, you can go outside" or "If you'd like to do timeouts, both you and your child will need to go outside for that?"<br><br>
Would that make me a jerk? I just want to limit the amount of negativity in the house.<br><br>
And if it makes me a jerk, let me know. That's what I'd like to find out- and better here than IRL...

 

[sisteeesmama]

I think you could make a set of house rules that wouldn't single anyone out in the moment, but were just there for all to see. Even an email explaining your parenting approach and how you don't want to set a confusing example for your LOs might be ok. I don't know, I haven't been in that situation (yet!), so I hope you get some other responses. Mine were just ideas off the top of my head, I wouldn't feel offended by either of those things, but hey, I'm not a mainstream mom!

 

[ians_mommy]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TopHat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13647680"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sometimes we have church playgroups at my house. It really really really bothers me when kids get put into timeout or are spanked in my house. Would it be awful of me to say something like, "I'm sorry, but spanking isn't allowed in the house. If you'd like to do that, you can go outside" or "If you'd like to do timeouts, both you and your child will need to go outside for that?"<br><br><b>Would that make me a jerk?</b> I just want to limit the amount of negativity in the house.<br><br>
And if it makes me a jerk, let me know. That's what I'd like to find out- and better here than IRL...</div>
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No more of a jerk than they are for hitting their children.<br>
Your house= your rules. If not being able to physically assault their children for a few hours is a deal-breaker for the friendship, then you dont need them as friends.

 

[octobermom]

I don't allow spanking in my home or on my property period. I don't mind if a parents does a time out assuming there not like tossing there kid in an empty room and suggesing to others he must be ingnored.<br>
Deanna

 

[octobermom]

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I personaly wouldn't say this as it actually seems more demeaning to the child. SO far my experince with parent public timouts have been basically.. a parent calling there child over teling them what they saw (calmy) and saying they have to come sit beside them for a few mintues. Whiel I may not always agree on this I find it completely diffrent from being struck and wouldn't add the embarressment of sending the kid outside (where BTW it could esculate to being spanked).<br>
Deanna

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

"Our house rule is 'no hitting', regardless of age." I think this is fine and can be said calmly and without too much drama. If they say "spanking is different" or othe nonsense, you can say "well, it may seem different to you but its sending a confusing message to my child so please refrain while you are here".<br><br>
However, I think time-outs are much more problematic and I would probably not make a fuss about them. Since they are the mainstream preferred discipline technique at the moment and since they don't actually involve physical violence, I would let it go as too big a battle to fight.

 

[D_McG]

I think you should find a different playgroup. I don't think it's makes you a jerk or anything but I think it's a bit much. Maybe check out LLL and see if they have anything going on. Or meetup.com has AP groups, too.<br><br>
Good luck!

 

[mama2peyton]

<p>hi</p>

 

[Super Glue Mommy]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sisteeesmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13648112"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you could make a set of house rules that wouldn't single anyone out in the moment, but were just there for all to see. Even an email explaining your parenting approach and how you don't want to set a confusing example for your LOs might be ok. I don't know, I haven't been in that situation (yet!), so I hope you get some other responses. Mine were just ideas off the top of my head, I wouldn't feel offended by either of those things, but hey, I'm not a mainstream mom!</div>
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I agree its best not to single anyone out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">

 

[St. Margaret]

I would absolutely let them know there's no hitting in your house, regardless of age. time outs are a little more tricky but if it's really bothering you, how it's being done in your home, speak up. You are the host, it's your home, and you want everyone in your home treated with respect. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
And I would try to find a supportive playgroup, too. If one is near you, it will be a godsend, truly.

 

[holyhelianthus]

I think where it is absolutely appropriate to say "no hitting at any age in my home" it's something else to ban timeouts. The problem is for most mainstream parents without those 2 options they'll feel like they have no way of disciplining. That and I don't feel timeouts are a form of misconduct on the parents part but rather comes down to parental choice. But that's just me!<br><br>
You're house, you're rules. I'd just make a set set of rules and point them out to the sisters when they come and maybe explain why to curb defensiveness like "we don't allow hitting because it is a learned trait and I am not interested in my daughter learning such a thing".

 

[TopHat]

We do have an AP playgroup here and it is wonderful. I just feel like I should be more active in participating with the other moms at church.<br><br>
Yeah I know the time outs are more difficult. It just makes me cringe when kids have their noses in corners, you know?

 

[Daphneduck]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TopHat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13693203"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We do have an AP playgroup here and it is wonderful. I just feel like I should be more active in participating with the other moms at church.<br><br>
Yeah I know the time outs are more difficult. It just makes me cringe when kids have their noses in corners, you know?</div>
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When I first read this post I thought that yes, it was a little out of line, though I would never allow spanking in my home, ever. I just thought that maybe the time out thing was a little over the top. But, after reading this.... Is that how they are doing time outs? If so, I would not allow it either. No way.

 

[joy_seeker]

If it is bothering you this much then I agree witha PP that you may need to move on from this group. Doesn't it make you just as uncomfortable when you see these things happening at other people's homes? I don't condone the behavior of these women but I would tread lightly in trying to tell others how to discipline just because they are in your house, what if one of them decided your LO did something that merited time out and insisted on this because you were in THEIR house. I think you have to let people parent their children however they see fit and if it makes you uncomfortable for those things to happen in your home then you shouldn't host the group. JMHO

 

[Rico'sAlice]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Daphneduck</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13694162"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But, after reading this.... Is that how they are doing time outs? If so, I would not allow it either. No way.</div>
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<br>
I've seen that a number of times in public. (At the pool, playground) I didn't know the people, but felt so awkward just being around the humiliated child.<br><br><br><br>
OP- I would say absolutely no hitting, and maybe find a way to suggest timeins, something like "parents must remain with their children during all timouts" or more vaguely "parents must remain with their children during all disciplinary actions." And then if they put the child "away" into time out, ask the parents to please stay next to their child. But I think it's going to be tricky no matter what. I am in the process of ending a friendship over this stuff.

 

[octobermom]

I think you may need to move on to a diffrent play group.<br><br>
Deanna

 

[holyhelianthus]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TopHat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13693203"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We do have an AP playgroup here and it is wonderful. I just feel like I should be more active in participating with the other moms at church.<br><br>
Yeah I know the time outs are more difficult. It just makes me cringe when kids have their noses in corners, you know?</div>
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Ok yeah that's a little different. Maybe start putting things in your corners? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I think the "our house rules" thing is the best shot. And I understand not being able to just drop the church playgroup and move on- it's really just not that simple <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[LessTraveledBy]

I would e-mail (kind of as a p.s. or something) about how you are not comfortable with hitting... and that you ask that the parent stay with the child. You could even frame it as a matter of safety, like you don't want to be responsible for whatever might happen to a child who is alone...<br><br>
Or.. if you are not afraid to lose these friendships, how about something short and sweet about the rod in the Bible (meant to guide and help, not beat up) and how shaming a child is not a Christian consept.<br><br>
If it makes you feel any better, I have a similar situation... I cannot stand the stories mothers tell, laughing, about how they shamed their child.

 

[phathui5]

I don't allow spanking in my house, and I'm clear with people before they come over, especially friends who I know use spanking as a discipline method.<br><br>
We do use time-out, so I don't care if other people do when they're here.

 

[Just My Opinion]

How open are you about your own parenting beliefs? I am very vocal, in general, about the way I parent. I couldn't imagine anyone hitting their child in my home, simply due to that knowledge of my intense disapproval of violence as a parenting "technique".<br><br>
I would set a rule, gently but firmly, without apology and without wavering... that you do not approve of anyone being hit in your home, regardless of age, and that you need that to be respected.