[Phoenix~Mama]

<p>So my divorce is basically on hold until I send the re-drafted parenting agreement.  I had called my lawyer when DS was in the NICU and told her that would change things.  I have yet to sit down and take a look at it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm having a lot of mental turmoil, but I'm pretty sure I know what will have to happen...  My whole elaborate plan of working up to overnights for DS I think is pretty much out the window.  STBX could argue a ton of points, and really they are valid.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For starters DS was away from me for his whole first month of life, so he has had "overnights" away from me already.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come mid-December DS is going to have to start full time daycare, because I really have to go back to work in order to pay my bills, and well there really are not many jobs in the area and I'm really scared I would not find something as decent as what I have now.  So, DS will already be away from me for many hours at a shot, so he should definitely be able to spend time with his Dad without me, if he is able to go to daycare without me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And my whole argument about nursing... also out the window.  After 2 months, DS refuses to do anything at the breast.  I'm an exclusive pumper.  So it wouldn't matter where DS is, I have to pump.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So pretty much everything I had thought while I was pregnant has been turned right on it's head.  I have no leg to stand on to even say why STBX shouldn't be able to take DS overnights. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It would only be 2 nights a month, so it's really not a lot.  He is only taking the girls for Saturday nights now instead of Friday and Saturday.  So really DS would only be away from me 48 hours a month (in addition to daycare).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess I've already rationalized all of this out... but it still seems odd to send my newborn away... but again, at this point if this did go to court, I think a jude would order standard visitation due to all the points above.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess, I'm looking for some sort of comfort.  Has anyone else been in a spot like this?  How did your baby adjust?  Were they okay? </p>
<p> </p>

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

<p>:hug</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know its tough, and on the one hand you want ds to be close to you - IF your stbx decides to actually take your ds overnight, please use it as an opportunity to take care of YOU.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But really, your ds is lots of work right now, and the girls are also lots of work - he's so lazy, do you think he's really going to want THREE little ones overnight???</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hope you are able to get it into the parenting agreement that he either takes them BOTH or neither of them (b/c if he takes the boy and not the girl, its favoritism - the other way around too unless its just till DS gets a little older).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>HUGS mama, one thing at a time.</p>

 

[Theia]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Super~Single~Mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280653/overnights-for-ds-thoughts#post_16060623"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>:hug</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know its tough, and on the one hand you want ds to be close to you - IF your stbx decides to actually take your ds overnight, please use it as an opportunity to take care of YOU.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But really, your ds is lots of work right now, and the girls are also lots of work - he's so lazy, do you think he's really going to want THREE little ones overnight???</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hope you are able to get it into the parenting agreement that he either takes them BOTH or neither of them (b/c if he takes the boy and not the girl, its favoritism - the other way around too unless its just till DS gets a little older).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>HUGS mama, one thing at a time.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
I think that is a really good suggestion.  They both are.  If he does start with overnights with DS, then he needs to take them both.  And then you can take a bubble bath, get to bed early and relax a bit. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif">  I'm sorry that things aren't turning out how you imagined, but we do the best with what we got, you know.</span><br>
 </p>

 

[waiting2bemommy]

<p>I know this might not exactly fit, but my dd's father and I are not living together currently (although we are "together") and he has been taking one or both of the kids for overnights at his place. So far, the kids have loved it. The only person with a problem was me, lol. When dd spent the night I used that opportunity to spend quality time with ds and vice versa. Now they go together sometimes and I use those nights to catch up on housework. This is totally new experience for me so it is kind of unsettling trying to fall asleep without my babies in the house, but he cosleeps, is good at nighttime parenting (even wakes ds up to go potty at night which is something I usually forget to do) and my kids come back happy and refreshed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh and he gets one of the kids every other night or so. He brings dd back early in the morning on her nights so that she can nurse and then we all hang out together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The overnights aren't as bad as they sound. My only issue would be with pumping/nursing, and I'm too lazy to pump so dd just gets a bottle with a bit of goat milk or water in it or a paci when she wakes, and falls right back asleep after less than an ounce. When she ocmes bac in the morning we play catch up with th e nursing.</p>

 

[Smithie]

<p> </p>
<p>I think that your perception of how it will go is pretty level-headed. And really, if they are going to be having visitation all through their growing-up, it may as well become a part of your babe's routine now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think I'd ask my lawyer to get it specified that your ex will take both kids or neither, enforce that at pickup, and then just hope for the best. If your DS is healthy enough now not to have his life endangered by 48 less-than-attentive hours, then I don't think it's worth it to mount a fight in court that you are not too likely to win. </p>

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Smithie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280653/overnights-for-ds-thoughts#post_16061407"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>I think I'd ask my lawyer to get it specified that your ex will take both kids or neither, enforce that at pickup, and then just hope for the best. If your DS is healthy enough now not to have his life endangered by 48 less-than-attentive hours, then I don't think it's worth it to mount a fight in court that you are not too likely to win. </p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>Yes to this, if your ds is on an apnea monitor, or anything similar, I would ask that he have to be taught, by a physician, how to use it, and monitor your ds.  Barring that, I still think that your ex isn't going to want overnights yet b/c its too much work - and as we know, he's not exactly one to give up any sleep for his kids.<br>
 </p>

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

<p>He actually does want all three kids at once.  Even with me going on and on about how much work and chaos it is with a baby and a toddler together.  But, the good thing is I guess is that he is staying at his Mom's house when he has the kids since his new living space him and I actually both agree we don't want the kids there. (his room mate has guns, and smokes).  So he knows his Mom will help with the kids.  Apparently she is trying to make up for lost time now.  She has even been sending me clothes for both DD and DS.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>DS isn't on any monitors or medications now.  And!  He had his developmental evaluation yesterday and is doing really well!  They said he does not need any extra help.  He isn't quite at 2 months on a lot of things, but his adjusted age is only 2 weeks and he is past that.  Some things, like reaching and grabbing for toys and studying and focusing faces with his eyes he is ahead in.  And DS has been taking a bottle much better recently too.  And that is one thing I made sure STBX did at the hospital and does here, so he is familiar with DS and his occaisonal choking things and what to do. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, I do think DS is well enough to go with STBX, and I think STBX learned his lesson about slacking on feeding when DD didn't gain weight the one time.  He almost overfeeds now because he is so paranoid about it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I also agree with there is something to be said for them getting acclimated to the routine early.  DD LOVES going with her Dad.  There is never any tears, she is just super excited to finally see him and is running around the house saying "Mama, shoes! Come on! Bye bye"  lol  It's actually pretty cute, and it does make me feel better that she is excited to go see her Dad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thank you for the feedback.  :hug</p>

 

[Ceinwen]

<p>It's not a newborn visitation situation, but I know last summer when my ex started taking my two girls overnight (oldest was 6 years old, youngest was 16 months) I was having a stroke over sending my toddler. But - I was in the same situation as you... The toddler had already been going to daycare, had spent the night with my mom and/or sisters by that point, etc. etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So most of my arguments had gone out the window. He still has many moments where he calls me in frustration or for advice, etc. and that helps to cut the tension. I'd say the first six months were the hardest, where I worried about night waking, would he let her cry, etc. - but I quickly learned that I only had control over so much, and that being friendly got me a lot more info than being hostile.</p>

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ceinwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280653/overnights-for-ds-thoughts#post_16062137"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>It's not a newborn visitation situation, but I know last summer when my ex started taking my two girls overnight (oldest was 6 years old, youngest was 16 months) I was having a stroke over sending my toddler. But - I was in the same situation as you... The toddler had already been going to daycare, had spent the night with my mom and/or sisters by that point, etc. etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So most of my arguments had gone out the window. He still has many moments where he calls me in frustration or for advice, etc. and that helps to cut the tension. I'd say the first six months were the hardest, where I worried about night waking, would he let her cry, etc. - but I quickly learned that I only had control over so much, and that being friendly got me a lot more info than being hostile.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
Thanks, hon.  :hug  I'm starting to see this with him too.  He called me last night to ask about how he should handle putting DD to bed, since she transitioned to a big girl bed this week, and I let him know that she usually gets up at least twice just to come see what everyone else is still doing, and then she goes and lays down nicely.  He actually thanked me for helping him and letting him know some of the tricks I've already worked out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But then you also have his normal moments of "I'm not a rookie, I now have three kids, you don't have to worry."  I told him I'm a Mom and I will never stop worrying all together.  It's just how it is.  Sometimes he understands that and we have a civil conversation about it.</p>

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Phoenix~Mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280653/overnights-for-ds-thoughts#post_16063103"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ceinwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280653/overnights-for-ds-thoughts#post_16062137"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>It's not a newborn visitation situation, but I know last summer when my ex started taking my two girls overnight (oldest was 6 years old, youngest was 16 months) I was having a stroke over sending my toddler. But - I was in the same situation as you... The toddler had already been going to daycare, had spent the night with my mom and/or sisters by that point, etc. etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So most of my arguments had gone out the window. He still has many moments where he calls me in frustration or for advice, etc. and that helps to cut the tension. I'd say the first six months were the hardest, where I worried about night waking, would he let her cry, etc. - but I quickly learned that I only had control over so much, and that being friendly got me a lot more info than being hostile.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
Thanks, hon.  :hug  I'm starting to see this with him too.  He called me last night to ask about how he should handle putting DD to bed, since she transitioned to a big girl bed this week, and I let him know that she usually gets up at least twice just to come see what everyone else is still doing, and then she goes and lays down nicely.  He actually thanked me for helping him and letting him know some of the tricks I've already worked out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But then you also have his normal moments of "I'm not a rookie, I now have three kids, you don't have to worry."  <strong>I told him I'm a Mom and I will never stop worrying all together.  It's just how it is.  Sometimes he understands that and we have a civil conversation about it.</strong></p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
I wouldn't frame it this way.  The way I do it, is when ds's dad picks him up, I'll start out by saying, kinda sheepishly, that I know he takes really good care of ds, but that I'm a mom and I sometimes worry even when I shouldn't (the sheepish-ness REALLY lightens the way he takes things, and admitting that I know he takes good care of ds makes him feel like I'm not attacking HIM), and then I tell him whatever I'm worried about.  Whether its weird colored poop, or my ex's mom, or something else random, he usually takes it really well and doesn't fight with me.</p>

 

[darcytrue]

<p>My youngest is 14 months old and my ex just started keeping her overnight a week ago. He was letting our older kids (ages 14 and 8) stay, no problem, because he didn't have to pay attention to them. (roll eyes) But he has just started keeping the 14 nonth old there as well. I hope it keeps up. I really want that ONE night per week since I'm dating someone now.</p>