[Mama.Pajama]

Hi ladies... I haven't done much posting, but I figured I may get some helpful suggestions from you all, as my family is reaching a point of desperation.
My husband and I are young, and he is a full-time bio-chemistry major. In addition to 16+ hour semesters, he works 40+ hours a week (about 20 hours for the school paper & about 20 hours freelance graphic design). Despite his complete sacrifice of every hour that he is conscious to either work or school, we are barely scraping by financially.
A couple of months ago, I tried to go to work part time at a mothers' day out, where I could be in the room next to my son (then about 15 months old)- I thought this would be an ideal situation for us... That lasted all of four hours before the horrible gut-wrenching guilt of listening to his helpless crying got the best of me (and rightly so). I scooped him out of the teacher's arms and put him to my breast- he was completely panicked. I couldn't stop myself from crying. Truly regretfully, I walked up to my soon-to-be former boss (with baby Tristan at the breast in my arms) to tell her that this we just weren't ready for this. When I saw my husband that night, I felt totally ashamed that I had failed to even make it through the day- after all, we needed to bring in additional income for our family. He just laughed and said, "It's okay- I didn't really think it would work out." He knew me all too well... I can hardly stand to be away from Tristan for a couple of hours a month, let alone several hours a day. Who was I kidding anyway?
Fast forward to the present- my husband is a wreck. He is literally spending every waking hour working or studying. When he comes home from work and school, he goes straight to the computer to get his freelance work deadlines met. He prides himself in making good grades in school- he is extremely intelligent and is incredibly passionate in his studies, but he simply doesn't have enough time in the day to spend the time needed to ace the tests and keep up with homework. He doesn't get enough sleep and he hardly remembers to eat- he has dark circles under his eyes and he is constantly agitated and irritable... It kills me to see him suffer like this.
I am at a loss. The problem is obvious- he is overloaded. But neither one of us can come up with a solution that would do no damage. I dread the possibility of having to be away from Tristan, and even putting my own feelings aside, I know that Tristan would suffer emotionally from having to be separated from his Mama; we are extremely attached, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
I have no job skills, and no higher education... We were married right out of high school and pregnant shortly afterward, so there wasn't exactly any time for career development. My husband is simply doing what must be done to provide for his family, in both the short-term (work) and the long-term (school). But his predicament is so taxing on him that I am afraid it is permanently altering his emotional well-being. This scares me. I miss the compassionate, sensitive, quick-witted man that I fell in love with- it's like these past few years of non-stop work have really hardened him- he has slowly become so cynical and pessimistic... I miss him so much.
He misses so much too, though he probably isn't aware of what all he does miss, and how much. He misses the everyday and the extraordinary too- all of these precious moments with our son I enjoy alone, and I feel sorry for my husband for not being there with us.
I try to do everything that I can, however small of a gesture it may be (staying out of his way, having the dinner ready when he gets home so that he can get right to work afterward, making sure he has clean clothes, showing that I'm interested in what he's working on or learning about in class, etc.) to make hhis life easier, but still I feel helpless! Sometimes I feel that I give so much and never get anything out of it, which is a feeling I'm sure every wife and mother can relate to, so I won't even go there, because I know you understand. It is so discouraging to not be able to have any impact on our situation; to not be able to bring joy into my husband's life!
I am so grateful that I have been able to stay at home with Tristan this whole time, but I can't bear the thought of leaving my baby and all of our precious daily interactions, routines and adventures- I treasure my child so much that when I think about losing these little moments, it breaks my heart! Perhaps I am too sensitive or too selfish... I don't know, but you'd have to pry me away this time- I learned my lesson well at the mothers' day out.
Sorry for the long-winded post, but I needed to get it out of my head.
Any suggestions or magical wand-waving solutions would be much appreciated, but so would a simple word of encouragement or your own story/experience that relates to ours.
Thank you for reading

 

[New_Natural_Mom]

I don't know what to tell you.

for being in a situation that is causing your family stress. I had only 12 weeks off to be with my son then he went to daycare and I went back to work. It was hard at first, but we adjusted and now everyone is thriving. DS *loves* daycare and plays with his friends all day. I don't love work, but I like it and am good at it. I have to work in order to contribute to our family's income. Sometimes we have the capacity to be stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Have you looked at a way to cut your expenses and live more frugally so your DH can get a breather if you are unable to work? Has your DS considered school PT?

In any case, you all should be communicating your worries, feelings, hopes, etc. in order to work through it as a unit.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

 

[weliveintheforest]

It's hard, but you can make it through

Would you be interested in doing daycare? If you would like it, it could be a good way to bring in some income while being with your son.

Will your husband have summer off school?

 

[Alare]

It sounds like you need the money he is bringing in by working both jobs. Is there any way he could go to school part time? Do you have family to help out?

Could you try the mother's day out thing again? I know how guilty and unhappy it made you, but really (I am NOT saying this to be mean) you didn't give it much of a try. Not even one full day. Of course the little one was going to be upset--he had never been away from his loving mommy before--it takes time for both of you to get used to new situations.

Quote:

He doesn't get enough sleep and he hardly remembers to eat- he has dark circles under his eyes and he is constantly agitated and irritable

Somehow your husband has got to get a breather . . . he can't be expected to keep at this pace. It's simply not healthy. Unfortunately that means either part-time school, taking out more school loans for living expenses, asking family for help, or you trying to work again. I hope you guys can come up with a solution that lowers his stress level.

 

[skueppers]

Do you qualify for any kind of aid that you're not getting? Subsidized housing, WIC, food stamps, etc.?

 

[CrunchyKatie]

My husband is also a full time student, but neither of us work. We are living off of student loans right now - yikes, I know! - but there is no way I can be away from my children and he realistically can not devote any time to a job while still being successful academically and still have the time to truly be present mentally in the time he does manage to spend with us.

The only idea that came to my mind was if you could watch someone else's kids in your home while you are with your babe to help bring in a little bit of extra money. I haven't done this yet, but have contemplated doing so to help make ends meet. There are months where we could definitely use some extra cash! Financial stress sucks. Hang in there and know that these sacrifices now will pay off for you guys in the long run. School won't last forever!

 

[cjmz]

While your husband has decided that he needs to further his career in order to provide a good life for you and your son, you have to decide to do the same.

Being dependent on someone is not healthy. In the event that something happened to your husband, or he left, how would you survive?

You should have some short and long term goals for yourself. Perhaps finding a job at night while your husband is home would be a start. Getting training for some sort of career would be the second step. Teaching your DS to be independent is the last.

Good luck in all your endeavors.

 

[churndash]

I work from home as a customer service agent which has enabled me to stay home with my children. However, this was the job I had before I had kids, so I was able to convert it to a work from home job.

There ARE legitimate work from home jobs, but I am not sure they would provide you with enough supplemental income to really give your husband a break (mystery shopping, cha cha guides, etc).

The harsh reality is that life is full of tough choices. Right now it seems that your choices are either your husband works around the clock and you don't see him much or you go to work part time and ease some of his burden.

 

[Lysa]

My DH works very hard so that I may stay home. He would rather work super hard and allow me to be home than to have both of us work. (Or, he'd let me work, and he'd stay home - he's not particular.)
But my DH has learned that he has a limit. He's realized that he does need sleep, and he does need to eat. He's realized that he's getting a bit older each and every year, and can no longer work himself as hard as he did when he was in his 20s.
My DH is also taking classes - but only one class at a time. He gets reimbursed through his employer that way. Any more than one is too hard.
I think you are doing a great job at being supportive of him, in trying to make things as easy for him at home. I'm sure he appreciates your work.
If you want to try again to contribute financially, could you try the mother's day out thing again, but volunteer in the same room as your son? I know another mom who had a couple car routes for a newspaper, and took her LOs with her. Many moms watch someone else's kids, either in their own home, or as a nanny position in someone else's home. Check your local newspaper, too. For a while my SIL packaged buttons at home for a company near her - she went to their office a couple times a week and dropped off her completed packages, and picked up more to do.

 

[BabyMommee]

You've described our situation exactly, except my husband is a Mechanical Engineering major, and I've got a two year old little boy and #2 on the way. We rent our home, which I consider a blessing - we have no house payment hanging over our head and worry that we'll lose our investment. Every time it seems we get to our breaking point we have a little reprieve - time for a date, or a day off school that gives us a few hours to "catch up" and remember we're on the same team, not living 2 separate lives. I constantly feel inadequate when I see how hard he works and how little I'm able to get done during the day. I encourage you to listen to your instincts and not leave your baby for work. Children won't remember how much money (or lack there of) their family had when they were little. They'll benefit from the close bond that you have from physically being there. This will only be a few years for us, but for our children "a few years" is a big part of their lives. We have benefited greatly from WIC, Medi-Caid, and Food Stamps. It is a hastle to try and qualify, but SO worth it when it finally kicks in. Can you get any more student loans? I always figure that it seems like a lot of money now to have to pay off, but when my husband is making an engineer's salary, the payments won't be so bad. How does your husband feel about all this? He may be more supportive of you not working than you realize. Are there any crafts you can make at home and sell at a local flea market? Yahoo has a really easy program to make your own website for free. Maybe you can look through etsy or ebay and get inspired. I'll try to keep thinking of ideas for you, but DEFINITELY try to get any and all social services available to you. Our families are a good investment - we need the help for a relatively short time and we will pay much more back in taxes than we will ever use. Plus our children will be contributing members of society. Hang in there.

 

[snoopy5386]

I second the idea of a paper route. How does your son sleep? Is your husband home in the wee hours of the morning. You can bring in about an extra $1000 a month doing a daily paper route while your hubby and son are home sleeping.

 

[Mama.Pajama]

Thanks for all of the suggestions.
I posted a thread "$ communication breakdown $" in the Frugality and Finances section that goes into greater detail about our financial straits, if anybody would want to hear more about that- you may glean a better perspective of our whole situation by reading it.
In response to a few suggestions that were offered, I must be a total weeny, because I just can't put my son and I through the trauma of separation again. It was absolutely terrible! It feels unnatural and awful; every ounce of my being screams in protest. I have always listened to my instincts- they've never led me astray. In fact, I am constantly learning how to listen to them better, and I really believe that ignoring them is the worst thing that I could do for my son and my family. It's just so complicated when your instincts are going against logic, because the obvious logical solution would be to put my son in daycare and go to work. I most certainly do not judge any woman who chooses this- I have the greatest respect for women who make the difficult choice to leave the home to seek out additional income for their families. But for our family, that solution is not going to be a possibility.
In the past my husband and I had considered taking out student loans for living expenses, but had decided against it simply to stay out of debt. But looking at it now, we may reconsider. That may be the solution that would work for us. Unfortunately, that solution won't be available until the fall semester, so until then, we are SOL.
I really appreciate all of the different points-of-view, and I welcome any additional suggestions with open ears.

 

[organicpapayamama]

I cant imagine how difficult your situation is. sorry you have found yourself here. I wanted to mention I know to a degree how you feel. when I got pg with DS my DH (at the time) and I had planned that I would be a sahm. We had it all planned out before we even conceived. well things didnt go as planned when DH left me a week after I found out I was pg. I feel being at home with my son was essential to him at very least for 2 yrs. The possibility of this was torn from me. I was a single mom now. I managed to stay with him until he was 6 months old but I HAD to go back to work. I had to, to be able to pay the bills, buy food, buy DS needs.... Even though I didnt like it, I didnt want to, it wasnt planned, I had to do what I had to do for my family. It was hard, It was hard for me, it was hard for DS. We were very attached, and still are but now there is no anxiety when we separate. I was like you that I dont like to even spend a few hours in a day away from him. But it had to be done. We both got used to it after a few months and everything is working out just fine. I found you have to do what you need to do for your family as a whole, not just DS or you or DH.... there is no way to please everyone and have an ideal situation but you make the best choice you can make for the overall better outcome. kwim? its not easy but it can be done. I enjoy coming home early from work to spend as much time as I can playing with DS and being involved in his life still. Although its not as much time as I wish I had, I still think its a good amount of quality time. And its not about quantity but quality. I hope that makes sense.

 

[churndash]

Okay, if you've decided that going to work is not an option for you at all.

When your expenses exceed your income though, you really only have two choices - reduce the expenses or increase the income.

So it seems to me your options are:

Cut back on expenses
Find a way to earn money with your son at your side
Accept that your husband will remain tired and overworked

 

[TinkerBelle]

Sometimes, being an adult means that you have to do something you don't want to do. If your husband is suffering so much, you have to make a few choices to help him.

1. Get a job for a few hours at night in a store or restaurant.

2. Get a job that you can work from home. http://www.westathome.com/ is a legitimate job. I did it for a year and a half. www.wahm.com is a good source for jobs you can do from home.

3. Take in a child to babysit.

4. Cut expenses to the bone, even if that means getting rid of internet and cable (assuming you have cable or satellite)

5. Don't eat out. Make everything from scratch. www.hillbillyhousewife.com is a good website to help cut corners and even has an emergency menu for when you are really broke. Not organic stuff, but you won't go hungry.

6. Hang your laundry.You would be surprised at how much you can save on the electric and gas bills. My husband is putting up clothelines for me this weekend. I am sick of the high electric and gas bills.

 

[jtbuko]

The childcare room in a gym is a part-time job that often lets you bring young kids...

 

[sarahope]

hugs, mama. this is a very hard situation. I can relate somewhat, although our situation is not quite so extreme. My husband is also a student. I stay at home. My husband is in a very demanding phd program that literally does not allow him to work elsewhere. We are trying to balance funding from multiple sources, including scholarships and student loans. Are you guys already using student loans? If not, you could use it to supplement your income so that your DH could cut his work hours in half, for example. Also definitely take advantage of WIC and any other aid you qualify for. Just WIC alone has saved us - it's the only federal aid we receive, but since I cook from scratch and we eat very frugally and healthfully (no meat, just beans, veggies, grains, etc) our grocery bill dropped enormously with WIC.
Your husband's education is an investment. School debt is one of the only types of debt that can make sense in certain circumstances. Schooling seems to last forever, but it's really only a few years. Get him through school with whatever funding you can find, and then once he's in the workforce, you can continue your schooling if you want (and you should, a hs diploma offers no security.)

 

[Defenestrator]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama.Pajama In the past my husband and I had considered taking out student loans for living expenses, but had decided against it simply to stay out of debt. But looking at it now, we may reconsider. That may be the solution that would work for us. Unfortunately, that solution won't be available until the fall semester, so until then, we are SOL.

This may actually not be true. At the schools I have gone to, you can apply for financial aid all throughout the semester. It is something you should look into. Just because checks are normally issued at the beginning of the semester doesn't mean that you can't apply for aid late.

I don't regret our student loans. Not one bit.

 

[claddaghmom]

Can you do anything for him while you're at home? I try to do little organizational things to help DH out. He is smart, but definitely the messy type.

For example, at the beginning of his school semester, I filled out a huge desk calendar with every project, test, chapter, etc that was due in all his classes.

I also went through all his books and highlighted what he needs to read/know according to the syllabus.

I went through each syllabus and rewrote it w/ bulletins of exactly what he needs to know, at a glance.

I make sure he has a little study area and snacks and quiet time.

Sometimes, just the little touches can help a ton.

You mention he works on the school paper...can you be his editor and proofread/prep his work?

 

[Mama.Pajama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahope Your husband's education is an investment. School debt is one of the only types of debt that can make sense in certain circumstances. Schooling seems to last forever, but it's really only a few years. Get him through school with whatever funding you can find, and then once he's in the workforce, you can continue your schooling if you want (and you should, a hs diploma offers no security.)

See, we totally agree with that. It's the most wise investment we could make. We have decided to go for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Defenestrator At the schools I have gone to, you can apply for financial aid all throughout the semester. It is something you should look into. Just because checks are normally issued at the beginning of the semester doesn't mean that you can't apply for aid late. I don't regret our student loans. Not one bit.

It's encouraging to hear you say that you don't regret it, because that's what has kept us from pursuing this avenue- the fear that we'd regret it later. So when we get his papers in the mail for next semester, we're doing it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by claddaghmom Can you do anything for him while you're at home? I try to do little organizational things to help DH out. He is smart, but definitely the messy type. For example, at the beginning of his school semester, I filled out a huge desk calendar with every project, test, chapter, etc that was due in all his classes. I also went through all his books and highlighted what he needs to read/know according to the syllabus. I went through each syllabus and rewrote it w/ bulletins of exactly what he needs to know, at a glance. I make sure he has a little study area and snacks and quiet time. Sometimes, just the little touches can help a ton. You mention he works on the school paper...can you be his editor and proofread/prep his work?

One plus about working for the school paper is that it's extremely laid back, so he really wouldn't need any help from me in that department. I can definitely relate to the disorganized husband thing though

. I do try to keep his things organized, but a desk calendar would be a great idea for him- a lot of the time he has trouble keeping track of what is due, and a desk calendar would be right in front of his face so he couldn't miss it.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the ideas.