On a purely physiological level, I have a "tilted uterus" which puts my cervix in a prime place for being wacked in a variety of positions, and having my cervix hit sometimes causes pain elsewhere (making it hard to tell that's what's going on). Psychologically, I find belly dancing alone or just for dh to be very sensuous and that it helps me to be more sexual and to "get out of my head".
The right counseling might help you deal with whatever, if anything, is happening mentally from the abuse.
Meditation is good for everything. Calms, centers, frees, it's fabulous, even if you suck at it and only do it for 5 minutes--like me.
You might just not be ready for sex when you er... "commence"- like your body & vagina might not be physically ready/ responding the way it needs to for sex to be comfortable. Do more foreplay, don't go straight to the sex, etc and it might hurt less. A pro-fertility lubricant like preseed might be helpful as well, but nothing like truly being ready to avoid painful sex.
If so that could be one of the causes of painful sex too.
The Circed penis pulls the natural lube out of the vaginal canal like a pump, where it dries, causing the vagina to dry out, and due to some men needing to PUMMEL to get their orgasm, they wind up causing micro tearing, and scar tissue to form at the mouth of the vagina. And the pummeling also can cause bruising inside too.
I would suggest forgetting about DTD for awhile and concentrating on foreplay and/or him pleasuring you with your communication and without intercourse and possibly penetration. Start small and work up. I also think (if not doing already) your DH should concentrate on giving you an orgasm without intercourse. This should help you build a better relationship with DH and hopefully relieve some tension/pressure about DTD.
I'd also recommend talking to a counselor or someone you trust (peferably not your DH) about your past. It's been my experience with people that many times the psychological (even if past) manifests into physical problems which is why my first suggestion may be helpful to ease you away from the negativity.
Many kudos to you for all the great things you're doing to cope!
Wow Cyclamen you really did your research and took steps to make a change. Good for you and yes thank you for sharing what you found. I am very excited for you and your dh. I am glad you were already rewarded for your efforts. Being gentle with your body is such a positive thing.
I am so glad to hear that you are being gentle with yourself and things are improving for you. I think the PPs have given excellent suggestions in terms of taking it slow, and I am sure that your self care has had some effect in your healing.
As a fellow survivor of sexual abuse, I have to say that some of the things you mention are typical hallmarks of dealing with sexual abuse issues. Not wanting to be touched and having conflicted feelings about touch, intercourse being painful, feeling like your pelvis is stiff and energy is bound up, etc. I wanted to mention a couple of books which I found helpful in getting past much of the sexual stuff.
"The Sexual Healing Journey: A guide for survivors of sexual abuse" by Wendy Maltz
"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass
"Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis this is geared towards couples
I also did individual and couples counseling around these issues. The couples counseling was especially helpful in creating a safe environment and in helping dh understand where I was coming from. He had been feeling lots of rejection from me, through no fault of his own, and I think it was healing for him too. Be aware that if you seek support, and I hope you do it can only help, that different therapists have different personalities and styles and it is important to find someone you click with or who gets you.
I hope this info helps you or someone who searches the threads someday.
Enjoyable sexual expression is our birthright. For me it helped to think of it that way, and to not let the monsters of the past take it from me.