I don't have anyone else to talk to so I am hoping that at least in "cyber world" someone else has either been through this or at least can offer some encouragement. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have a 3 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old who are the light of my life despite the normal parenting challenges of having 3 small children. My husband on the other hand is having an extremely difficult time and his anger and impatience are destroying what love I have for him. I am at the point of considering ending our marriage for my own emotional health and that of my children. DH is a good man. He is generally loving and caring but he can't handle the toddler stages i.e. whining, screaming and crying/temper tantrums ect. He exhibits signs of obsessive compulsive disorder (I am a trained therapist believe it or not) and constantly wants order and flies off the handle when he doesn't get it. For example, on a trip to the Farmers Market my 3 year old found a neat leaf on a brach and wanted to take it home so I said sure. His dad didn't hear me say it so when he was putting Adam in the car seat he snatched it out of his hand and threw it down saying, "you don't need this is the truck." Adam started screaming loudly immedately for his leaf and my husband kept yelling at him to stop which made it worse. I intervened and told him to stop yelling at him and that I said he could have the leaf and he went and snatched it back off the ground and threw it at him. He said that he doesn't "like his truck to get dirty" and that he want "order" and gets mad when he doesn't get it. Another example this morning is that we were set to have our family Christmas pictures taken and he felt that the kids were eating breakfast too slowly and we were "off schedule" so he started huffing and puffing and making everyone uncomfortable. I canceled the pictures and told him that I was considering leaving because this was not a healthy environment and that the anger that is building up inside me is getting unmanageable. There are times that he starts to pick on the little ones that I just get so angry inside that I want to explode. I know seeing us argue is not good for the kids but I can't always keep my mouth shut and speak my mind. My husband is begging me to reconsider and feels that we are a family and that we have to work out our differences and that it is better or the kids to have a mom and dad together. He acknowledges this problem but says that he does it so much that he doesn't even realize when it is getting out of control. He says that it is the whining and screaming and "loss of order" that drives him nuts. He says that he loves us all more than anything and doesn't want to lose his family. I honestly don't know if my love can outweigh my resentment for him. He asked if I would come up with a code word where if I thought he was starting to get ridiculous about something I would say the word and he would know that he needs to chill out. I don't know if I even want to bother....thanks for listening. Who knew this could be so hard?
Parenting 3 toddlers is leading to the break up of our marriage.
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Hi, I don't have a lot of help to offer but wanted to post you a (((hug))). It sounds like your DH is willing to work at this. Perhaps counselling, together and separately, would help? This is a good opportunity to model conflict resolution and personal change to your kids.
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I think counseling is definately needed.
I do understand, to some extent, your husband's desire for order. We have 4 kids and a smallish house, which means that it's always loud and messy here. This sometimes drives me nuts. But....it comes along with having kids, and I accept that. Your husband needs to realize that HE needs to change - that your kiddos are behaving completely normally for their ages.
*hugs*
I do understand, to some extent, your husband's desire for order. We have 4 kids and a smallish house, which means that it's always loud and messy here. This sometimes drives me nuts. But....it comes along with having kids, and I accept that. Your husband needs to realize that HE needs to change - that your kiddos are behaving completely normally for their ages.
*hugs*
I'm sorry it's gotten so bad!
Some things that jump out at me:
Do you think he's serious about the code word? Meaning, do you think if you used the code word he'd really chill out? Or do you think he's patronizing you?
It does seem a good sign that he doesn't want to lose his family. (Not everyone can see past their own needs.)
If he's really beside himself about the lack of order, do you suppose giving him an area all to himself for "order" would be helpful? For whatever reason - since I do all the cooking - it really drives my DH over the edge when the kitchen gets out of control. So every once in a while I swipe the counters down or sweep when I don't think it's necessary
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It really helps him. Perhaps something like that would help your DH?
My DH had real trouble when our kids weren't in the talking stage yet. Just wasn't his thing. But it was helpful for me to remind him that this too shall pass. And once he got that and was able to keep his eye on next summer - walking talking outside creatures - he's been able to chill out. He knows our life won't be like this forever. Perhaps reminding your DH that this too shall pass would be helpful.
As for the order in "his" truck. Perhaps a bag kept in the car that the kids can keep their treasures in. That way kids can still have leaves, but your DH won't worry about them being all over the truck. We also have a rule, if you take it into the car you take it out of the car. Your youngest is still too young for that rule, but the other two can help. Perhaps if your DH knows it's the mess isn't staying, it won't stress him out as much.
I know your stressed and he's driving you crazy. But he does seem to have redeeming qualities: he acknowledges what your saying, doesn't want to loose his family, and is offering up ways to make it better. I hope things get better for you two!
Some things that jump out at me:
Do you think he's serious about the code word? Meaning, do you think if you used the code word he'd really chill out? Or do you think he's patronizing you?
It does seem a good sign that he doesn't want to lose his family. (Not everyone can see past their own needs.)
If he's really beside himself about the lack of order, do you suppose giving him an area all to himself for "order" would be helpful? For whatever reason - since I do all the cooking - it really drives my DH over the edge when the kitchen gets out of control. So every once in a while I swipe the counters down or sweep when I don't think it's necessary
My DH had real trouble when our kids weren't in the talking stage yet. Just wasn't his thing. But it was helpful for me to remind him that this too shall pass. And once he got that and was able to keep his eye on next summer - walking talking outside creatures - he's been able to chill out. He knows our life won't be like this forever. Perhaps reminding your DH that this too shall pass would be helpful.
As for the order in "his" truck. Perhaps a bag kept in the car that the kids can keep their treasures in. That way kids can still have leaves, but your DH won't worry about them being all over the truck. We also have a rule, if you take it into the car you take it out of the car. Your youngest is still too young for that rule, but the other two can help. Perhaps if your DH knows it's the mess isn't staying, it won't stress him out as much.
I know your stressed and he's driving you crazy. But he does seem to have redeeming qualities: he acknowledges what your saying, doesn't want to loose his family, and is offering up ways to make it better. I hope things get better for you two!
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from your examples, it sounds like the stress is when you are out or getting ready to go out. How is like when you are just hanging around the house? I have 2 girls, now 2 and 4. We are just starting to get out and do more activities. I would suggest trying to keep your life, your schedule as SIMPLE as possible. Not time lines, no rushing out of the house, don't go places where stressful or busy situations might occur.
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Could he have a form of Autism or Aspergers Syndrome? There are many variations of it, but this behavior sounds so much like it. Wanting constant order, yelling because there is too much noise around, not wanting germs, and wanting a certain routine are definite characteristics. People with Aspergers or Autism will exhibit OCD tendencies. While I'm not quite that way with children--I have extreme patience with them--I have other problems. I have to keep things in order as much as possible. I have to keep things germ free according to my preferences, which are complex, and I have sensory issues just to name a few. I, myself, do have Aspergers. I thought I'd suggest that, as that could be a possibility. I do use code words, as that is the ONLY way I'll know since I am not able to really read social situations well. It is encouraging that he asked for that. At least, he wants to get better. Try to be patient with him and help him. I really think he has a problem. Now, if he were normal and just screaming at the kids, that woudl be another story for me.
I can understand why you'd be in an emotional wreck over this. Yelling at a small child seldom helps, and when I see people do it, I literally want to smack some common sense into them--normal people that is, not someone with a problem. I mean, can't they see that yelling only makes things worse? Can't that lead to abuse of a child? Just think, a child will NOT stop screaming. The parent yells, and it esculates further. Emotions are flying, and the situation is quickly degrading. In my humble opinion, I feel that things like this leads to shaken baby syndrome. (Yes, I have rage issues myself and am working through them, but some things, especially something like this, really upsets me. I've been through so much, and I've seen friends suffer horrendously in childhood. My friend was shaken as a small child and brutally abused, but CPS did nothing. She tried to end her life on many occasions. I've seen some trauma in my life. Naturally, I'm going to rage over stupidity and be sensitive to things more than the average, hence the reason for getting upset over such treatment of children.)
I'd like to suggest something. I'm not sure if it will help, but I'm going to give it a shot. Is it possible if you could suggest some counceling for him? It really does help. I thank God for it because it has helped me to get through situations and conduct myself better. Do it when the children have gone to bed, and talk in a calm voice, as hard as it will be to do. Tell him that you really care about him, and you see that he is troubled by the children. Tell him that you can appreciate his need for wanting order, but you are concerned. If you show him that you love and care and are concerned, it SHOULD work--notice I say that it SHOULD because sometimes, it may not. But, if he is asking for your help, and from what you said, I think that it will. It seems pretty promising to me that he is really open to changing. He is a step ahead of most.
I want to also suggest having someone you trust very much to watch your children that will not resort to CIO and parent contrary to how you do, and take some time with your hubby. With three toddlers, it can be hard to achieve, but it is necessary for the maintenance of your marriage. Once a week, do something together.
I'd also like to suggest getting some therapy for yourself, as this situation can be very difficult. You'll need all that you can to keep your emotions in check while your husband behaves in this fashion. You'll need all you can get until he can sort himself out. If you want or need some resources for Aspergers/Autism, let me know. It is hard to live with. I can't tell you how many people could not or did not want to deal with me because of it. It does help that I'm an open person who loves to talk--sometimes too much--and I'm friendly and approachable, but there are frequent misunderstandings of my actions. I have to either spend a lot of time trying to smoothe things over--my first choice since I really hate to hurt or upset people, and it works ninety-nine percent of the time enabling me to maintain those relationships--or I spend a lot of time explaining my actions, which sometimes, I only half understand myself. By the grace of God who has tender mercies, I'm loved by many though there are some that choose to call me names. I just ignore those. Nevertheless, it is still troublesome, and I wish I did not have to live with blasted Aspergers.
I'll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need a person to listen to you or someone to talk to, PM me, and I'll give you my number. Take care. Blessings.
I can understand why you'd be in an emotional wreck over this. Yelling at a small child seldom helps, and when I see people do it, I literally want to smack some common sense into them--normal people that is, not someone with a problem. I mean, can't they see that yelling only makes things worse? Can't that lead to abuse of a child? Just think, a child will NOT stop screaming. The parent yells, and it esculates further. Emotions are flying, and the situation is quickly degrading. In my humble opinion, I feel that things like this leads to shaken baby syndrome. (Yes, I have rage issues myself and am working through them, but some things, especially something like this, really upsets me. I've been through so much, and I've seen friends suffer horrendously in childhood. My friend was shaken as a small child and brutally abused, but CPS did nothing. She tried to end her life on many occasions. I've seen some trauma in my life. Naturally, I'm going to rage over stupidity and be sensitive to things more than the average, hence the reason for getting upset over such treatment of children.)
I'd like to suggest something. I'm not sure if it will help, but I'm going to give it a shot. Is it possible if you could suggest some counceling for him? It really does help. I thank God for it because it has helped me to get through situations and conduct myself better. Do it when the children have gone to bed, and talk in a calm voice, as hard as it will be to do. Tell him that you really care about him, and you see that he is troubled by the children. Tell him that you can appreciate his need for wanting order, but you are concerned. If you show him that you love and care and are concerned, it SHOULD work--notice I say that it SHOULD because sometimes, it may not. But, if he is asking for your help, and from what you said, I think that it will. It seems pretty promising to me that he is really open to changing. He is a step ahead of most.
I want to also suggest having someone you trust very much to watch your children that will not resort to CIO and parent contrary to how you do, and take some time with your hubby. With three toddlers, it can be hard to achieve, but it is necessary for the maintenance of your marriage. Once a week, do something together.
I'd also like to suggest getting some therapy for yourself, as this situation can be very difficult. You'll need all that you can to keep your emotions in check while your husband behaves in this fashion. You'll need all you can get until he can sort himself out. If you want or need some resources for Aspergers/Autism, let me know. It is hard to live with. I can't tell you how many people could not or did not want to deal with me because of it. It does help that I'm an open person who loves to talk--sometimes too much--and I'm friendly and approachable, but there are frequent misunderstandings of my actions. I have to either spend a lot of time trying to smoothe things over--my first choice since I really hate to hurt or upset people, and it works ninety-nine percent of the time enabling me to maintain those relationships--or I spend a lot of time explaining my actions, which sometimes, I only half understand myself. By the grace of God who has tender mercies, I'm loved by many though there are some that choose to call me names. I just ignore those. Nevertheless, it is still troublesome, and I wish I did not have to live with blasted Aspergers.
I'll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need a person to listen to you or someone to talk to, PM me, and I'll give you my number. Take care. Blessings.
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Quote:
Oh dear.
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I am so glad you posted here! I wish I could invite you over for a cup o'joe, but since I can't I'll do my best to offer some support and definite empathy for your situation...it sounds so familiar...I kept nodding my head reading the entire thing!
This was exactly like my DH a couple months ago. I was terrified that I would have to end our marriage. Granted, we do have a different situation, but the same reaction from hubby for the same reason (chaos). Bear with me for a minute, let me explain. About 8 months ago my oldest two teens, both of whom have MASSIVE mental health issues (they are adopted, long story), went entirely off the deep end. One was arrested for theft, ran away, got pregnant, and decided to be homeless (it's exciting!
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). The other set our house on fire, threatened to kill the police, and, we learned, had been torturing animals. During this time (a span of two weeks) we gave birth to our fourth child. Life. Was. Absolutely. Insane.
So, my oldest teen had vanished, my next oldest was in a treatment facility, and we were juggling a newborn and our 7yo daughter who, understandably enough, was having major adjustment issues with everything. Gradually DH turned into this raving monster. He was SO angry ALL the time. SO negative. SO critical. SO...just....SO.....UGH!!!!!!!
I tried to talk to him. It didn't work. I tried therapy. It didn't work. I tried damn near everything imaginable. Until finally I took a step back and looked at it from his perspective. Here is what I came up with.
1. He is, by nature, a very structured person. No, he's not on the spectrum or anything like that, but he's always liked things 'just so'. He values order and predictability, and he cherishes his family's happiness...which he also believes comes from the order and predictability of life in general. I, on the other hand, am a freer spirit that doesn't quite 'get it' in terms of needing constant structure. Talk about yin and yang! He has, for the most part, been pretty darn ok with my hither and yon whims and what not over the years. But, the chaos of everything hitting all at once was an awful lot for him to handle, and he just went back to the basic 'man grunt' phase that they can get into sometimes. Your story about the leaf in the truck....omg we've had almost that exact scenario.
Regardless, I can't control or change this about him. What I *can* do is realize that when life is chaotic and out of control, he will react by being more controlling, out of sheer frustration. Yeah, I'm a psych major so I get it, but implementing it isn't always the easiest lolol! This doesn't justify the bursts of exploding or anything, but it does help me put this into perspective. Finally I backed off from pressuring him to lighten up, I verbalized my understanding to him that when life chaotic it seems to me he needs a little more space to help process the situation and get himself at a point that he knows how he wants to respond. And then I tweaked some things on my end (the only thing we CAN control, after all), and literally within a few weeks things started to get better.
Now, applying this to your situation. You have your hands full, and the youngest years are always the hardest on a marriage! To have THREE littlest ones is amazing, and you guys really do have your work cut out for you. At the same time, it sounds like you really have your heart in the right place and that you both want this family to succeed...which it can (and probably will!) I believe from what you've said that he loves you all very much, and that he is just lost as to what to do with this desire for order/routine/structure in the midst of THREE under 5's.
Here's my suggestions:
1. Try to come up with a clear routine, especially when he is home. I've printed out the week's schedule and posted it (it changes each week). Personally, I HATE schedules (I can do routines, but I can't stand feeling like I HAVE to do something at a certain time lol). BUT...he really appreciates them. So, in the interest of cooperating, and recognizing his need for structure, it's what I do. Between you and me, I don't pay it much mind when he's not home, but when he is he likes to know what to expect. We know that we have dinner (he has kid duty/daddy time while I get it together, occasionally we switch that up), he and 7yo clean up dinner while I wrangle baby clean up. We take turns bathing the older or younger one after that, and he heads off to study for a bit (he works FT and is in school FT) while I get the girls jammied up for bed. We pile up together for family story time and then it's BFBs (Bedtime For Bonzo Babies). When we are really on track we get a tiny bit of us time once they are asleep.
We also have a weekend routine that REALLY has made a HUGE difference, specifically because I've insisted that he get a big chunk of Saturday for himself. That alone has probably made the biggest difference in lowering his nit picking crapola that we were dealing with. Here tis:
Friday eve: He gets home from work and takes the kids so I can get out by myself a bit (alone...ahhhh....silence....LOL). He usually grabs a cheap pizza so no one has to cook.
Saturday AM he makes pancakes for us all. Afterwards we all clean up and then he does his own thing for pretty much the day until dinner time. I take the kids to Sams Club and let them nosh on samples then we head to the park/zoo/museum/whatever...it kills a few hours and takes care of lunch, all in one! LOLOL! Anyways, kids are with me while DH gets some quality down time, and then DH makes dinner (it's not always what I'd want, but hey...I didn't have to cook!). After dinner we get kids in bed and watch a grown up movie together. Sunday morning we sometimes go to church and sometimes sleep in. Sunday afternoon he usually takes the 7yo out for some 'them time', sometimes takes all the kids so I can clean uninterrupted, and every other weekend I have my sister watch the kids so we can have some grown up us time.
I hope that helps some, I know this got long but I just want you to know that I totally understand what you are going through and it sounds like our DH's are very similar. My DH isn't a bad guy, he adores our family, but sometimes he can be a jerk when life is chaotic. It stinks, because that's not how I'd like him to handle it, but it's the way he is and I can either help him deal with it more productively or not...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))
Good luck hon, PM me if you want to talk more.
Bellevuemama
Originally Posted by maureen73  I don't have anyone else to talk to so I am hoping that at least in "cyber world" someone else has either been through this or at least can offer some encouragement. |
This was exactly like my DH a couple months ago. I was terrified that I would have to end our marriage. Granted, we do have a different situation, but the same reaction from hubby for the same reason (chaos). Bear with me for a minute, let me explain. About 8 months ago my oldest two teens, both of whom have MASSIVE mental health issues (they are adopted, long story), went entirely off the deep end. One was arrested for theft, ran away, got pregnant, and decided to be homeless (it's exciting!
So, my oldest teen had vanished, my next oldest was in a treatment facility, and we were juggling a newborn and our 7yo daughter who, understandably enough, was having major adjustment issues with everything. Gradually DH turned into this raving monster. He was SO angry ALL the time. SO negative. SO critical. SO...just....SO.....UGH!!!!!!!
I tried to talk to him. It didn't work. I tried therapy. It didn't work. I tried damn near everything imaginable. Until finally I took a step back and looked at it from his perspective. Here is what I came up with.
1. He is, by nature, a very structured person. No, he's not on the spectrum or anything like that, but he's always liked things 'just so'. He values order and predictability, and he cherishes his family's happiness...which he also believes comes from the order and predictability of life in general. I, on the other hand, am a freer spirit that doesn't quite 'get it' in terms of needing constant structure. Talk about yin and yang! He has, for the most part, been pretty darn ok with my hither and yon whims and what not over the years. But, the chaos of everything hitting all at once was an awful lot for him to handle, and he just went back to the basic 'man grunt' phase that they can get into sometimes. Your story about the leaf in the truck....omg we've had almost that exact scenario.
Regardless, I can't control or change this about him. What I *can* do is realize that when life is chaotic and out of control, he will react by being more controlling, out of sheer frustration. Yeah, I'm a psych major so I get it, but implementing it isn't always the easiest lolol! This doesn't justify the bursts of exploding or anything, but it does help me put this into perspective. Finally I backed off from pressuring him to lighten up, I verbalized my understanding to him that when life chaotic it seems to me he needs a little more space to help process the situation and get himself at a point that he knows how he wants to respond. And then I tweaked some things on my end (the only thing we CAN control, after all), and literally within a few weeks things started to get better.
Now, applying this to your situation. You have your hands full, and the youngest years are always the hardest on a marriage! To have THREE littlest ones is amazing, and you guys really do have your work cut out for you. At the same time, it sounds like you really have your heart in the right place and that you both want this family to succeed...which it can (and probably will!) I believe from what you've said that he loves you all very much, and that he is just lost as to what to do with this desire for order/routine/structure in the midst of THREE under 5's.
Here's my suggestions:
1. Try to come up with a clear routine, especially when he is home. I've printed out the week's schedule and posted it (it changes each week). Personally, I HATE schedules (I can do routines, but I can't stand feeling like I HAVE to do something at a certain time lol). BUT...he really appreciates them. So, in the interest of cooperating, and recognizing his need for structure, it's what I do. Between you and me, I don't pay it much mind when he's not home, but when he is he likes to know what to expect. We know that we have dinner (he has kid duty/daddy time while I get it together, occasionally we switch that up), he and 7yo clean up dinner while I wrangle baby clean up. We take turns bathing the older or younger one after that, and he heads off to study for a bit (he works FT and is in school FT) while I get the girls jammied up for bed. We pile up together for family story time and then it's BFBs (Bedtime For Bonzo Babies). When we are really on track we get a tiny bit of us time once they are asleep.
We also have a weekend routine that REALLY has made a HUGE difference, specifically because I've insisted that he get a big chunk of Saturday for himself. That alone has probably made the biggest difference in lowering his nit picking crapola that we were dealing with. Here tis:
Friday eve: He gets home from work and takes the kids so I can get out by myself a bit (alone...ahhhh....silence....LOL). He usually grabs a cheap pizza so no one has to cook.
Saturday AM he makes pancakes for us all. Afterwards we all clean up and then he does his own thing for pretty much the day until dinner time. I take the kids to Sams Club and let them nosh on samples then we head to the park/zoo/museum/whatever...it kills a few hours and takes care of lunch, all in one! LOLOL! Anyways, kids are with me while DH gets some quality down time, and then DH makes dinner (it's not always what I'd want, but hey...I didn't have to cook!). After dinner we get kids in bed and watch a grown up movie together. Sunday morning we sometimes go to church and sometimes sleep in. Sunday afternoon he usually takes the 7yo out for some 'them time', sometimes takes all the kids so I can clean uninterrupted, and every other weekend I have my sister watch the kids so we can have some grown up us time.
I hope that helps some, I know this got long but I just want you to know that I totally understand what you are going through and it sounds like our DH's are very similar. My DH isn't a bad guy, he adores our family, but sometimes he can be a jerk when life is chaotic. It stinks, because that's not how I'd like him to handle it, but it's the way he is and I can either help him deal with it more productively or not...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))
Good luck hon, PM me if you want to talk more.
Bellevuemama
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371 Posts
Hon,
It does sound like you need to get your husband a little help in keeping himself under control, so he can be more calm around the children.
Date night, time without children, is also important so you can both reconnect with each other.
yes, you do need to give him a code word so that he can realize he needs to check himself for reality.
And you both need a child raising class, like Love and Logic, or Apple parenting, etc., so you have reality based experiences and common ground for parenting and expectations.
These are the tough years. It's so much easier when they're 11, 10, 9 than now. And you might find that you are enjoying them so much that you'll have little followers after this. We sure did.
It does sound like you need to get your husband a little help in keeping himself under control, so he can be more calm around the children.
Date night, time without children, is also important so you can both reconnect with each other.
yes, you do need to give him a code word so that he can realize he needs to check himself for reality.
And you both need a child raising class, like Love and Logic, or Apple parenting, etc., so you have reality based experiences and common ground for parenting and expectations.
These are the tough years. It's so much easier when they're 11, 10, 9 than now. And you might find that you are enjoying them so much that you'll have little followers after this. We sure did.
Ladies...you are all so amazing and I want to thank you very much for your responses because it truly meant so much for me to be able to open up to someone else....especially from those in similiar situations. I am going to work on our situation. I know that deep down I still have the same feelings for DH but they are so pushed down by anger and resentment that I am having a hard time. Yesterday, before he left for work (night shift) he asked each of the kids for a hug and told them that he loved them and apologized to Adam (our 3 year old) for acting poorly. But then he wanted constant reassurances from me that I love him and that I am proud of him for trying. What? It was a 5 minute effort. I know I should reinforce any good behavior but come on.....let's see if it lasts more than 5 minutes right? All of your advise is so helpful and I have lots of tips that I am going to try. Again...THANK YOU!!!!
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4,952 Posts
It's huge that he recognizes and agrees with you that there are problems and is willing to work on change. Huge. HUGE.
And, yes, in the beginning, you praise and support him for the smallest amount of change. It is real; it is valid; it is worthy of acknowledgement and validation. Change is very, very difficult. Start small, and grow from there. Later, you can point to successes and can remind him how far he's come.
You have a great start.
And, yes, in the beginning, you praise and support him for the smallest amount of change. It is real; it is valid; it is worthy of acknowledgement and validation. Change is very, very difficult. Start small, and grow from there. Later, you can point to successes and can remind him how far he's come.
You have a great start.
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Your DH sounds a little like me. I get a little nutty when things are too loud or too chaotic. The toddler years were hard for me -- I ended up working PT just because I simply could not handle all those hours at home with small children without doing damage to someone or something. So, I can understand how he feels, at least a little.
Besides the kids growing up, I found that I had to make a few adjustments at home so that I could function. Things like teaching the kids to use quieter voices, to go outside if they needed to run around and be loud. DH and I worked out a way for each of us to have adequate "time away from the chaos" during the weekends when both of us were apt to get overwhelmed. And we both used code words to say "hey, you are going over the edge, take a break". And that all helped immensely.
Since he is willing to work on things, I would definitely hang in there. By and large he is right, if you can eliminate some of the anger, the kids will be better off with two parents. So maybe see if you can change a few things around the house to make it easier for him (really, it won't scar your children to learn to use quiet voices and walking feet indoors, and by 3 they should be capable of that much). Maybe he would be willing to explore anger management classes? Couples therapy? Both of those could help.
I really think that the best thing that DH and I did was to take a parenting class together. It allowed us to talk about expectations, discipline and related stuff calmly, using hypothetical examples from class, rather than emotionally about our own kids. Havig both of us agree ahead of time about what sort of expectations we had for our children and how we were going to get there really calmed things down a bunch.
It can be done. Its worth the time and effort to do it. Good luck.
Besides the kids growing up, I found that I had to make a few adjustments at home so that I could function. Things like teaching the kids to use quieter voices, to go outside if they needed to run around and be loud. DH and I worked out a way for each of us to have adequate "time away from the chaos" during the weekends when both of us were apt to get overwhelmed. And we both used code words to say "hey, you are going over the edge, take a break". And that all helped immensely.
Since he is willing to work on things, I would definitely hang in there. By and large he is right, if you can eliminate some of the anger, the kids will be better off with two parents. So maybe see if you can change a few things around the house to make it easier for him (really, it won't scar your children to learn to use quiet voices and walking feet indoors, and by 3 they should be capable of that much). Maybe he would be willing to explore anger management classes? Couples therapy? Both of those could help.
I really think that the best thing that DH and I did was to take a parenting class together. It allowed us to talk about expectations, discipline and related stuff calmly, using hypothetical examples from class, rather than emotionally about our own kids. Havig both of us agree ahead of time about what sort of expectations we had for our children and how we were going to get there really calmed things down a bunch.
It can be done. Its worth the time and effort to do it. Good luck.
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You are not alone. My dh is the same way. He loves structure and order which is just not possible with 4 ages 6 and under. He is constantly picking at the kids, over reacting, yelling, etc. for silly things. He is under a huge amount of pressure with being the sole income provider. He also works two high stress jobs: firefighter and 911 dispatcher. After dealing with those, he just doesn't have anything left when he gets home. He gets in his "picky" mode and I usually have to intervene. I have talked with him about it and he told me that once he starts, he just doesn't know how to stop. He hates the way he is but feels powerless to control it much less change it. We are working on it.
No advice but maybe this is the way your dh feels also.
No advice but maybe this is the way your dh feels also.
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Quote:
Absolute! Reassure him, especially if he is on the spectrum. Because if he is, reassurance is critical. Trust me, I know. Hang in there, girlie! It will be okay.
Originally Posted by maureen73 Ladies...you are all so amazing and I want to thank you very much for your responses because it truly meant so much for me to be able to open up to someone else....especially from those in similiar situations. I am going to work on our situation. I know that deep down I still have the same feelings for DH but they are so pushed down by anger and resentment that I am having a hard time. Yesterday, before he left for work (night shift) he asked each of the kids for a hug and told them that he loved them and apologized to Adam (our 3 year old) for acting poorly. But then he wanted constant reassurances from me that I love him and that I am proud of him for trying. What? It was a 5 minute effort. I know I should reinforce any good behavior but come on.....let's see if it lasts more than 5 minutes right? All of your advise is so helpful and I have lots of tips that I am going to try. Again...THANK YOU!!!! |
Absolute! Reassure him, especially if he is on the spectrum. Because if he is, reassurance is critical. Trust me, I know. Hang in there, girlie! It will be okay.
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937 Posts
It sounds like a round of therapy could really help. DH could do his own to work on his issues, you could do it on your own to work on feelings of resentment, and you could do marraige counciling to work on family issues and so you could be on the same page. Think about it. If you have insurance it is worth a shot.
It sounds like he loves you and the kids and is willing to work on it. If he were not willing or if he becomes worse or physically violent then you really need to leave. At least to give him some space while he works on these things. Giving up on the marriage could be be best thing for you, or it could be the worst. It is very hard to raise 3 kids on your own, and if he does not get help then you may worry about the kids safty when they are with him.
Good luck
It sounds like he loves you and the kids and is willing to work on it. If he were not willing or if he becomes worse or physically violent then you really need to leave. At least to give him some space while he works on these things. Giving up on the marriage could be be best thing for you, or it could be the worst. It is very hard to raise 3 kids on your own, and if he does not get help then you may worry about the kids safty when they are with him.
Good luck
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Your thread sounds very similar to the one I just started:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1010753
Therefore, I can empathize! That's cool your dh is willing to consider a code word. My dh would never agree to that.
2mama is right, though...........leaving may not be the answer, if your dh gets visitation or joint custody. It's easier to intervene on the kids' behalf when you are always around.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1010753
Therefore, I can empathize! That's cool your dh is willing to consider a code word. My dh would never agree to that.
2mama is right, though...........leaving may not be the answer, if your dh gets visitation or joint custody. It's easier to intervene on the kids' behalf when you are always around.
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Im so sorry....
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It sounds like he wants to change, I would try the code word. I talk to a counselor about child discipline and she uses a code word with her husband, for his temper. Also, is there anywhere you can get free counseling? We have a place right down the street called Pregnancy Resourse Center and they do all kinds of free counseling
It sounds like he wants to change, I would try the code word. I talk to a counselor about child discipline and she uses a code word with her husband, for his temper. Also, is there anywhere you can get free counseling? We have a place right down the street called Pregnancy Resourse Center and they do all kinds of free counseling
We are lucky enough to have insurance for counseling and our church also has a counseling division. I am going to look into this option but I think an actual parenting techniques class may be a better fit for our family. DH has really made an effort the last 3 days and I am very proud of him. I decided that I was going to let it be a bit and stop talking about it to him all the time but I was so surprised that he has brought it up himself several times. He said today, "I just want the best for them and I want them to do the right thing sometimes I go about it the wrong way and I just don't know what to do...I am going to work on it honey...I just want you to know." I told him that I was very proud of him and the effort and I know that it is not always going to be easy but at least now I have some hope.
Here is a positive update! DH and I took the kids to Disney World for a 4 day getaway and to go to Mickey's Magical Christmas. Normally this would have been a nightmare because Mark is so rigid and would be freaked out about everything. Well....he was really really positive about the experience and I only had to use our code word (Donald Duck hehehe) 3 or 4 times at most over the entire 4 days together and there were some really challenging times that he normally would have lost it and looked like he was about too but was able to reel himself in. I used a lot of encouragement and told him how proud of him that I was in making an effort. I really think the code word is helpful especially since I noticed when I am getting really angry at him myself using the code word stops me from getting angrier plus since it is a silly code word we both smile and it diffuses the moment. Plus we hired a babysitter for Saturday afternoon and on a "date" at Pleasure Island...drinks and a movie. It was great. I know things won't always go so easy...but it is a good start.
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