[DogwoodFairy]

Is it completely ridiculous of me to outline and detail all the parenting rules? I mean, I know its a parenting plan, but how detailed should I get? FTR, stbx and I disagree on nearly everything - from TV time/content to child care providers to gun safety. Plus stbx is, how shall I say, not very quick on the uptake. Putting it mildly. I have been pulling my hair out for 3 days trying to do a rough draft but every time I think of something (like not exposing ds to people who use racial slurs - like my in-laws), I think, "do I really NEED to include that"? I'm just afraid that if I don't include all these common sense clauses, stbx will take ds hunting when he's 5, drop ds at FIL's where ds will learn racial slurs, or let him watch CSI until 11pm. Am I being totally anal? Did anyone else specify/detail parenting rules outside of just the visitation and financial stuff? I'm going

: trying to finish this in time for case conference.

 

[pinetree]

This is hard. Because you want to include those but you also want freedom to parent how you want to.

I went with very basic... times and that is it because stbx was trying to limit me way beyond anything reasonable and he'd already thrown a fit when I asked for information from him that was much less constricting. (He wanted to know who was watching the kids during sunday school each week and claimed he needed to approve it... and saying "their sunday school teachers" wasn't enough for him.)

The hard part will be getting it passed. If you can, how will it be enforced?

I'd write two drafts... one that you'd like to have, one that you'd compromise on.

 

[Ione]

It's also hard because you don't want to end up with an agreement that the courts cannot (or won't) enforce if it ever comes to that. And a lot of the types of details you mentioned tend to fall under the category "not enforceable in court".

 

[tangent]

Only put in there what you're willing to have enforced.

Racial slurs are definitely not good, but do you think your stbx will really keep his kid away from his parents? I doubt it. I also wouldn't specify tv shows as it sounds like a major pita to enforce. Early bedtimes will take care of most of the inappropriate shows, anyway.

I think bedtimes, safety (including hunting), religion, babysitting, discipline (such as whether to spank), medical issues (including food allergies, vaccinations), school issues are all appropriate for a parenting plan. Some parents even put in a claus about overnight guests.

 

[LoveOhm]

I have found that you really have no control on how your ex will parent both of your child. It seems best to have faith in your abilities as a mother to lay a strong foundation and that your child will be able to know what is and is not "right" for him as a child.

With my own daughter there are elements I kinda over-explain so she understands the "why" behind some of our choices (like not eating meat) so she can communicate that herself to her dad if she chooses!

I really realize you have to pick your battles (especially when it comes to items the court cannot or will not enforce) with me those were discipline & the other woman.

With the discipline item we discussed it at length and I was extremely clear that I believe in GD and send dd's dad a one page cheat sheet on how I discipline under the guise of it being "consistent" in both homes. Disciple is not outlined in our parenting plan (but may be referenced in a mission statment or something like that.....)

The issue of the other women will actually be address in our parenting plan but there are some proven mental issues that could affect my dd's safety..

In short I say lay a good foundation in your child and have confidence in that! Pick your big items and focus on getting those in the plan and if something is "truly" harmful to your child (not TV but something like the grandpa hunts drunk and your kid would be along) then certainly fight for your child's safety.

 

[Captain_Crunch]

You have to remember that stbx is also DS's parent, not a glorified sitter to be dictated too, who has the right to parent DS how he pleases in his own home.

Pick your battles and be realistic about what you can truly mandate when Ds is with his father.

 

[LoveOhm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tangent Only put in there what you're willing to have enforced..... I think bedtimes, safety (including hunting), religion, babysitting, discipline (such as whether to spank), medical issues (including food allergies, vaccinations), school issues are all appropriate for a parenting plan. Some parents even put in a claus about overnight guests.

:

very well stated!

 

[DogwoodFairy]

Thank you everyone, for input. I agree with all points made...I'm trying very hard to retain wording that isnt constricting, yet leaves no doubt in a judge's eyes that my primary concern is my childs health, safety, and overall well-being.
I am using mission statements to introduce each category (Safety, visitation, Health, Costs, etc). And while I would LOVE to specify things (like TV shows) I recognize that I have to create a plan that a court is willing to enforce...broad statements are probably a better idea, such as stating that TV/Video games/Movies be "age-appropriate" and that discipline to be approached "in a manner that fosters respect for the child, and retains consistency in each household". Or something to that effect

Unfortunately, while stbx is the other parent, in our situation, he really IS a glorified babysitter. He has never, not once, adequately taken care of our son. He has only been left alone with our son on 2 occasions - once for 3 hours when ds was 5 months old: stbx refused to bottle feed him expressed bm, and instead insisted that ds wasn't hungry, didn't want the expressed bm I left, and was screaming because I had "spoiled" him by "giving him the boob every time he cries. He's got to learn sometime he cant have what he wants". The other time ds was 7 months old, and stbx had him for 4-5 hours, and during that time "forgot" to change his diaper, which resulted in ds soaking his clothes. Which wasnt so bad (happens to the best of us) except that stbx was too lazy to look in the diaper bag for a change of clothing, and instead let our baby go undressed - without pants - in April, in Maine. It was like 45 degrees. He wasnt at home, he was out shopping. THEN drove home with him a Geo Tracker (not the safest vehicle on earth) with the infant carseat forward facing. When I freaked out, he said, 'well, it was a pita to install it the other way".

I never let him watch ds unsupervised again, and I think he was relieved, because he never asked. Its only NOW as a bargaining point that he's insisting on joint custody. The mind boggles.

 

[grass67hopper]

I know this story!
Sounds like STBX is putting you through a lot when he was totally disinterested before. I've been told that people like him will lose interest in the future when the 'fight' is over.
Also, be careful about how much detail you put into your version of the parenting agreement because he might take you to court and make you look like a control freak. (Even though most people would think these things to be common sense.)
Some PPs have given very good advice.

 

[DogwoodFairy]

lol, I AM a control freak

:
But, really, only when it comes to my baby.
I wish I could feel that stbx is as competent a parent as I am. No flames, I'm not bashing men OR dads...I know that there are LOTS of wonderful dads out there, I just didn't marry one of them.

I wanted to leave stbx when I was pregnant, but felt that he deserved the chance to be a father and to play a role in his baby's life. I really thought/hoped maybe things would change, that HE would change, once the baby came along. Some people do. Some men really do a 360 once they have a little one to nurture and bond with. Sadly, my stbx wasn't one of those either.

I hate that I have to worry about the kind of custody/parenting guidelines a judge would award or approve. It feels so out of my control (theres that control thing again). I mean, this is MY child. I feel NO ONE has the right to decide whats best for him, except for the people who know him, love him, and have nurtured him from the very first moment. That would be me, and me alone.

Sorry, little rant. This whole thing sucks

 

[eccomama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tangent I think bedtimes, safety (including hunting), religion, babysitting, discipline (such as whether to spank), medical issues (including food allergies, vaccinations), school issues are all appropriate for a parenting plan. Some parents even put in a claus about overnight guests.

yeah that's mine but my ex doesn't always follow it. i wish i had more control over tv, diet, overnights, etc but it would just be impossible to enforce. so i try to undo what ex has done in the days that i have dd with me...

good luck

 

[Goodmom2008]

A parenting plan outlines when you have your child and when your stbx has the child. And I would make this very clear. Who has what holiday, address whether or not the holiday schedule trumps the regular schedule. And that you get Mother's day, even if it falls on his week-end. And he gets Father's day even if it falls on your week-end. Who does the transportation, how you will handle switching time when necessary.

Not how one parents. Unless you can prove that your child is in danger, you don't get to dictate how he parents when he is with his child.

You can put in clauses about no overnight guests of the opposite gender, but there isn't a judge that will enforce it unless you live in what is considered the bible belt. As for hunting, well, there isn't much you can do about that, either. Parents take their young children hunting all of the time.

Childcare falls under joint legal custody, which is becoming the norm.

What you can ask for is right of first refusal (ROFR), which means that if he needs to get a babysitter, he first has to ask you if you are available. If you are, you get your child over a babysitter.