[Plaid]

My sister and I are 6 years apart in age, and miles apart in parenting styles. She has two boys, ages 32 months and 13 months, and I have a daughter who is 15 months old. We also live two thousand miles apart, so don't get to see each other very often, but occasionally email & call.

I gave her a subscription to Mothering when her first son was born, before I realized how different we are philosophically. After a few issues, she cancelled her subscription with a nasty letter to the editor and sent a copy of it to me also. (It was the AZT/HIV issue that put her over the edge.) Then when my daughter was born, she gave me a subscription to Parents, which I think is not worth the paper it's printed on

We had a family reunion in June and were there for my dd's first birthday. When she found out I wasn't going to give dd cake, she said, "What? No cake? Bad parent!". She, on the other hand, has given her sons sugar from the time they were 4 mos old, maybe earlier! For the record, my dd did not even notice the cake and was thrilled with the watermelon she had.

We used to be close, before we became mothers. She read Babywise when she was first pregnant and I think it may have been to blame for her not being able to breastfeed. She's a nurse, and believes wholeheartedly in the medical establishment, and thinks anything alternative is foolishness. She lets her sons CIO, I cosleep. She used formula, I breastfeed. She started solids early, I delayed till dd was 9 mos. She buys toddler frozen dinners, I try hard to feed dd organic whole foods. Her kids watch tv & play computer games, I keep the tv off when dd's awake. I know none of these things is awful (well, Ezzo is), and each of us does what we feel is best, but how come we're so different?

When I call her (which is rare these days), I hear crying or whining in the background which she somehow ignores but which I cannot. I want to say, "Could you attend to that baby? My milk's letting down!".

Both of her sons are often sick with respiratory problems, and I wish I could explain to her that diet can help, but she wouldn't listen. It hurts when I hear that my nephews are sick. But I know she loves them, and that's the most important thing. I can accept other people who parent differently from me, but it's so much harder when it's my sister. I don't know why this is, and I don't know how to get past our differences.

I know dialogue would be a good start, but she's so sensitive and I don't want her to think I'm criticizing.
Any suggestions?

 

[MelMel]

you dont want to criticize her yet she called you a bad parent? kudos to you for rising above.

I have had the same issues with my sister, and she used to live in Florida (I am in Ohio), now she lives upstairs from me.

she just had her 3rd baby 6 weeks ago, and I guess some of my prodding and comments helped her, because she is still (mostly) nursing him after 'trying' and failing within a DAY with the first 2.

so at least i know she was listening, even as her 4 year old is sitting here with a box of donuts she has been snacking on for LUNCH. ugh. but she still makes comments and even has her 11 year old telling me I should give Veronica a donut. ugh. she is 11 months! I have a video tape of her giving her 8 month old pepsi. my point is we couldnt be more different, and she is the type who gets hostile if she feels challenged or threatened in any way. so I have to word things differently than I normally would.

I hope i can continue to help with any info i have, even if she blows most of it off.....the kids are worth it to me.

she is 18 months older than me, btw.

good luck. I'm sorry she called you a bad parent.

 

[captain optimism]

Your sister is a nurse and she wound up formula feeding? And fed solids early? That's so sad, you would think she would have been able to get better information than that. I mean, I get why she might be annoyed by some of the stuff in Mothering, but even the most mainstream, establishment sources are advocating breastfeeding now, and for 6 months exclusively. She must not work with children or moms in her job!

she had to have been joking when she called you a bad parent for not giving sugar. On the other hand, you would not be joking if you told her that her children whining and crying in the background makes your milk let down.

I guess you are going to be biting your tongue a lot in the years ahead.

 

[Lucky Charm]

I am sorry this is happening.

It sounds as if she is defensive, probably because she knows she could do better.

That said, i also think that you have relationship problems because of issues that started long before you both became mothers and becoming parents just brought things that were simmering to a rolling boil. The reason i say this is because my brother, who is one of my best friends, parents my niece totally different. you couldnt have two people more different in a room, yet i adore and cherish him. (i felt the same way about his wife, but they are now divorced).

I would continue to email and call, and keep the communication lines open. unless of course, you dont want to.

 

[AmyB]

How about sending her a subscription to Brain/Child? It's full of personal essays with all kinds of different viewpoints about parenting?

It sounds like she at least read Mothering before she cancelled it. Maybe if you could talk about the essays in Brain/Child magazine it would help open up being able to talk to one another about being mothers.

--AmyB

 

[Plaid]

Captain O, my sister works in the O.R., where they just fix what's already broken, they don't do prevention! She *knows* breastmilk is best, but I think she was trying to feed them on a schedule, the Ezzo way, and she never established much of a supply.

Amy, I like your idea. I've wanted a subscription to that myself. I think I'll get one for each of us. It just might be the kind of common ground we need.

I do have to be careful how I word things. I think with other people I tend to use more care, but with siblings it's easy to just say stuff without as much thought. Hmm...

Thanks, all!