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Being a mother of a bi-racial child, I am always asked about weather or not she is ‘mixed’. People always seem to ask in a hushed voice “Is her daddy black?” Like it is a state secret. I always say my dd is bi-racial.<br>
I’ve even had someone say to me once that she was “High Yellow”!!! I had never heard that before but it did not make me happy and she knew it and kept her mouth shut after that.<br><br>
My step SIL seems to always introduce me as her SIL that has the black baby! She does this in awe. She is a white girl that has a lot of black friends so she seems to wear the fact that she has a nice that is bi-racial as a badge of honor. It drives me nuts. I always correct her in front of her friends.<br><br>
Maybe it is because I’m in the south but a lot of people always seem to be amazed that I have a child that is not 100% white. I get tired of dealing with it and always having to answer where her skin tone comes from and her hair. My Dh is also white and we have a son together. So dd does kind of look out of place and strangers think it is ok to walk up to us and comment about it. We are a family.<br><br>
Dd knows she is different from everyone. She lives with her dad and grandmother in her words “My black family” and dh, ds and I are “My white family”. She has a very light skin tone but it is not pale like me. She will tell me that she is yellow. I guess being almost 5 now she is really into the differences and how do I help her keep a healthy view on the differences in her family, in herself?<br>
I want her to grow up and be able to embrace both sides and be in love with both sides. It does make it a bit harder for us because her father and I are not longer together.<br><br>
How do other mothers deal with this. What do you say to the prying stranger that wants to point out how different your child is to the rest of the family? Are you polite? Do you ignore them?<br><br>
Also what is your story?
 

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My dd is half white, half Korean. <a href="http://img486.imageshack.us/my.php?image=gator002xy7.jpg" target="_blank">She</a> looks biracial (her hair is light brown with gold and red highlights and her skin is very lightly tanned), but many times people assume that she's adopted, as if there's now way a white woman could be involved with an asian man. I even had a friend of my father's ask me - at my grandmother's wake! - how much I paid for her. I gave him my standard reponse to rude assholes, which is a glare and "I f'd a Korean"<br><br>
When she and I are out alone and people drop hints about her background, I always just say "Yep, she looks a lot like her dad" and then play dumb if they try to pry more. I don't want people to focus on how "exotic" she is.<br><br>
To complicate things, my dh was adopted by a white family, so she doesn't really have an "asian" family to learn culture from other than dh, who is still learning about Korea since he got in touch with his birthmom (whos's supposed to visit us next summer, so I guess we need to hop on learning more). We have other POC in our extended family, but none are Korean (they are Cuban and Filipino).
 

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Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business unless I make it their business. I'm rude that way, though.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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My step mom is Filipino and she and my dad have two children together. And they look nothing like my dad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> That is about as far as it goes in my family.<br>
DD's pic is in my siggie.<br><br>
whateverdidiwants- your little girl is gorgeous.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissAnnThrope</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7959540"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I’ve even had someone say to me once that she was “High Yellow”!!! I had never heard that before but it did not make me happy and she knew it and kept her mouth shut after that.</div>
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I remember that term from reading "When We Were Colored" and I believe it was derogatory back then, and certainly would be now.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My step SIL seems to always introduce me as her SIL that has the black baby! She does this in awe. She is a white girl that has a lot of black friends so she seems to wear the fact that she has a nice that is bi-racial as a badge of honor. It drives me nuts. I always correct her in front of her friends.</td>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Maybe it is because I’m in the south but a lot of people always seem to be amazed that I have a child that is not 100% white. I get tired of dealing with it and always having to answer where her skin tone comes from and her hair. My Dh is also white and we have a son together. So dd does kind of look out of place and strangers think it is ok to walk up to us and comment about it. We are a family.</td>
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I'm in the southwest and I think our state population is 1/3 Hispanic, 1/3 Black, 1/3 white, and there is a large military presence, particularly here in San Antonio; so maybe that is why I haven't run into issues like yours.<br><br>
It is not as if the military is devoid of racial issues but it has had longer to work on its racial issues and regs on which to base it on, though my FIL did experience discrimination as an elisted man in the 80s. Anyway, in my experience in the military interracial relationships were very common and no one looked twice at an interracial couple or their children.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Dd knows she is different from everyone. She lives with her dad and grandmother in her words “My black family” and dh, ds and I are “My white family”. She has a very light skin tone but it is not pale like me. She will tell me that she is yellow. I guess being almost 5 now she is really into the differences and how do I help her keep a healthy view on the differences in her family, in herself?<br>
I want her to grow up and be able to embrace both sides and be in love with both sides. It does make it a bit harder for us because her father and I are not longer together.<br><br>
How do other mothers deal with this. What do you say to the prying stranger that wants to point out how different your child is to the rest of the family? Are you polite? Do you ignore them?<br><br>
Also what is your story?</td>
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Dh and I met at Tech School in the Air Force. Dh is light skinned but his nose is a good indication that he is part black. His father is obviously black and I think also NA, MIL is Filipino and white. Fil is one of nine children and there have been other interracial relationships in his family (though one of his brothers told dh not to marry a white girl <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> (I've only met two of FIL's sisters as most of his family lives out of state). SIL is lighter than dh, blue eyed, and had blind/dirty-blond hair as a child, BIL is much darker but looks more Italian to us (they lived in Italy for 6 years).<br><br>
SIL and dh both married pale white people of German ancestory<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">. Her first dd has a "tan" with golden brown hair, #2 has light blond hair, almond shaped eyes, and nearly translucient skin, and her ds is white with dark blond hair; she hasn't mentioned any issues with people commenting on her dcn's race except from her off-kilter MIL.<br><br>
My ds has a slightly darker "tan", brown hair, and a bit of dh's nose but I doubt anyone would identify him as black. Dd is white with light eyes. I haven't had any racial comments either.<br><br>
My father disowned me between my engagement and wedding, and made some comments to family about what my children would look like; it also took awhile for him to "warm up" to my ds, but they lived in another state (dad passed last year). The rest of my family does not say ANYTHING; talking about race is just weird for them so they don't. We live close to the ILs so the gc see their multi-shaded family frequently.<br><br>
As to what to say:<br><br>
* This is my child, not a puppy; it is rude of you to ask.<br>
* That is a very personnal question to ask a stranger (then dont' answer).<br>
* I show you my pedigree if you show me yours <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> .
 

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Just subbing. DH and I are both asian american, so we are not multi-racial, but multi-ethnic. However, we have a lot of friends with multi-racial children and someday I may have multi-racial grandchildren, so this is an interesting topic of discussion for me.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissAnnThrope</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7959986"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">whateverdidiwants- your little girl is gorgeous.</div>
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Thank you - yours is too! I love seeing another little girl with long hair. Most of the girls around here have shorter hair, or at least bangs. I'm kind of a hippy like that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I'm the guardian and soon-to-be adoptive mother of a multi-ethnic toddler. He does look conspicuously different from the rest of the family, so I guess I don't blame people for noticing, but I don't know what on earth makes them think it's appropriate to <i>comment.</i> I try to be polite to the questioners, no matter how ignorant-seeming the questions, because someone has to normalize nontraditional families, right? What I have a harder time dealing with is the sort of intangible not-openly-expressed difference in the way he is treated, and the way I am treated when I'm carrying him. Like when he's wandering around the playground and people are watching him, and then he comes over to me and they see that he's mine, and the look changes. I can't really explain it... I don't think he notices yet, but he will. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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We get a lot of looks if we are out with DD since she obviously looks nothing like us. If people ask what she is I usually reply that she was born in Guatemala but beyond that we don't know. We do know a bit more but its all based on theory. If I am with her and DH is not alot of people assume my DH is hispanic, but if DH is with her and I am not they seem to sense she is adopted. Not sure what the double standard is...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Brigianna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960033"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm the guardian and soon-to-be adoptive mother of a multi-ethnic toddler. He does look conspicuously different from the rest of the family, so I guess I don't blame people for noticing, but I don't know what on earth makes them think it's appropriate to <i>comment.</i> I try to be polite to the questioners, no matter how ignorant-seeming the questions, because someone has to normalize nontraditional families, right? What I have a harder time dealing with is the sort of intangible not-openly-expressed difference in the way he is treated, and the way I am treated when I'm carrying him. Like when he's wandering around the playground and people are watching him, and then he comes over to me and they see that he's mine, and the look changes. I can't really explain it... I don't think he notices yet, but he will. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
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I know what you are talking about. When I pick up dd her grandmother would have been the one to fix her hair. And she fixes it all up with the braids and hair bows that she grew up with in her hair. I can't help but feel so funny when she is with us and we stop somewhere and we get the craziest looks that we would not get if her hair was done differently. But I'm sure no one thinks twice when her hair is like that when she is with her dad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Maybe it is all in my head.
 

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Ds is bi-racial although he doesn't look it. When he was born everyone thought he'd look just like my ex but his skin lightened dramatically and I eventually cut his amazing ringlettes...and they never returned <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I find that I sometimes want to tell people he's bi-racial, although I've never been able to figure out my motivation for that? My ex went back to his home country and isn't a part of our life although ds knows his name, has seen his picture, knows he and i were married and refers to him as "the man who helped you make me." He came up with that since, i believe, he didn't feel comfortable calling him 'dad' since Dad is my current dh.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>whateverdidiwants</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7959912"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I gave him my standard reponse to rude assholes, which is a glare and "I f'd a Korean"</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>i'mmykid'$mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960007"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As to what to say:<br><br>
* This is my child, not a puppy; it is rude of you to ask.<br>
* <b>That is a very personnal question to ask a stranger</b> (then dont' answer).<br>
* I show you my pedigree if you show me yours <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> .</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow">
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants<br>
I gave him my standard reponse to rude assholes, which is a glare and "I f'd a Korean"</td>
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I LOVE it! Don't have the ovaries to say it, but I LOVE it.<br><br>
We're a bi-racial family, DS pics in siggy. There is a <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/419330173/" target="_blank">family photo</a> in there and you'll see that DS looks like DH. (although, I did have lots of black hair upon birth and his head his shaped like mine, but people don't notice that.) (not really the best photo of any of us, but it is the best of all 3 of us together.)<br><br>
However, we haven't gotten out-right rude comments or questions. Thank goodness.
 

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My <a href="http://www.liminalmusings.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/boysapril.jpg" target="_blank">boys</a> are half Asian (Chinese) & half white (mostly of the Irish & British-Isles variety... a.k.a. blindingly white). They definitely look like me so I never get any "are they adopted?" comments but their skin color matches my husband's perfectly. I have had a few people comment upon the fact that they must get their ability to tan from their father, to which I usually reply with a vague "yup."<br><br>
Honestly, I waspretty surprised to look like my children. My father's other children are half Korean but have always been very very tan because they practically live at the beach - they didn't look convincingly like our dad until they hit adolescence. Meanwhile, my stepfather's son was half Columbian and looked mostly like his mother (my s.f. had custody) but ended up sounding *exactly* like my s.f.
 

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The simple, direct, <i>singular</i> questions don't bother me. I'll answer directly, or one or all of my children will answer directly. They have an amazing sense of self and pride, and I want them to retain that; I don't want them to feel defensive.<br><br>
But, if the simple, direct question expands into more questions or into a personal diatribe that starts to resemble a kumbiyah bonfire lovefest, then I get pissed off. It's one thing to acknowledge my children's race; it's what happens after that acknowledgement that matters to me.<br><br>
My husband is black; he's fairly dark and there's is no question that my children are also black. My older two formally id as black; my little one still calls himself "brown" most of the time.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">IWhen I pick up dd her grandmother would have been the one to fix her hair. And she fixes it all up with the braids and hair bows that she grew up with in her hair. I can't help but feel so funny when she is with us and we stop somewhere and we get the craziest looks that we would not get if her hair was done differently. But I'm sure no one thinks twice when her hair is like that when she is with her dad.</td>
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That makes me so sad, for some reason. When my daughter was little, I loved doing the braids. I never learned to cornrow, but I had a friend who did it for her periodically. I don't remember the looks being any different then, than any other time, maybe because my kids look just as black without the braids...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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My youngest son is biracial. He's quite dark, and has features very similar to my husband's. My older two children are from my first marriage, and are fair with blue eyes. They are very obviously not related to my dh, lol (though they adore him, and he adores them)<br><br>
I've yet to notice anyone taking so much as a second glance at our family. No one has asked any off color questions, either. Multiracial families are SUPER common here, though, and I wonder if that has something to do with it.<br><br>
I find that if my SIL, my dh and the kids and I are out in public, folks generally assume that my SIL is my husband's wife, and that our son is their child together. That's always a little wierd, lol.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Missy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7960694"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The simple, direct, <i>singular</i> questions don't bother me. I'll answer directly, or one or all of my children will answer directly. They have an amazing sense of self and pride, and I want them to retain that; I don't want them to feel defensive.<br><br>
But, if the simple, direct question expands into more questions or into a personal diatribe that starts to resemble a kumbiyah bonfire lovefest, then I get pissed off. It's one thing to acknowledge my children's race; it's what happens after that acknowledgement that matters to me.<br><br>
My husband is black; he's fairly dark and there's is no question that my children are also black. My older two formally id as black; my little one still calls himself "brown" most of the time.<br><br><br>
That makes me so sad, for some reason. When my daughter was little, I loved doing the braids. I never learned to cornrow, but I had a friend who did it for her periodically. I don't remember the looks being any different then, than any other time, maybe because my kids look just as black without the braids...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"></div>
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(hijack!) missy, how old are your older two? and, how do you feel about how they self identify? (also, the second line of your signature is totally responsible for the fact that there is now tea all. over. my. lap. from snarfing.)
 

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People often ask me. But they have always done it politely. I am VERY fair and my children are not <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> , and they generally ask politely what ethnicity their father is. Sort of like asking if my husband was a red-head if I had a red-headed child. They always comment on how beautiful my children are and what deep gorgeous skin they have, so I don't mind answering <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissAnnThrope</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7959540"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
How do other mothers deal with this. What do you say to the prying stranger that wants to point out how different your child is to the rest of the family? Are you polite? Do you ignore them?<br><br>
Also what is your story?</div>
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it depends on my mood, to be honest. if i'm feeling charitable, i'll engage in a mindful discussion about race, and so forth. if it's been a clingy whiny toddler day, and i'm carrying a kid and groceries, i tend to ask, why? do you wanna be they daddy? (or, mommy, if it's a female, altho usually it's the men here who make comments.) typically, though, i don't ignore. lol, i find that more rude than saying something snarky.<br><br>
(hijack again, kama, i <3 your siggy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: when are we moving to kajiras house?)
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boodafli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7961094"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(hijack!) missy, how old are your older two? and, how do you feel about how they self identify? (also, the second line of your signature is totally responsible for the fact that there is now tea all. over. my. lap. from snarfing.)</div>
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Sorry about your tea.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
My older kids are 12 and 7. How do I feel...? Hmm. They arrived there very naturally and so it *feels* natural. We're very open about race and racism. They know their grandparents went to segregated schools and that they used to ride in the back of the bus in the city; they know that mommy and daddy's marriage would have been illegal not too long ago. I don't feel like they're denying me by identifying as black, especially as long as they continue to talk openly and question freely.
 
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