[phillychiquita]

So where are your parents in terms of supporting you in your parenting choices? Anybody starting to get a little flack for their so-called "hippie ways"? My SIL and I were just comparing stories on our In laws -- she's still BFing her 16 mo in our husbands' family of bottle /formula lovers so thankfully she is paving the way in some respects, but overall my In laws are already priving difficult for us to "manage".

In general, my own parents are very supportive of my choices. My mother had a natural unmedicated birth, raised me with gentle discipline (before thats what it was called), breastfed me until I was ready to stop, fed me a whole foods diet, made her own baby food, refused vaccs and antibiotics when I was smaller, etc etc... And my mom actually offered to pay for the homebirth midwives we have chosen -- as a sign of support, which is so wonderful really.

My in-laws on the other hand are totally clueless (even as parents of adult children) and I am starting to constantly worry about how we will handle them if they find out about our plans to homebirth (we dont plan to tell them since they are the kind of people who run to the ER for a cough). I think that in principle, the two of them would not confront us if we inundated them with data, but then it would get around to MIL's big Italian family, and then everyone would start freaking out on us, calling us, etc...MIL's from a very very big bossy family, all of who are IN YOUR BUSINESS all the time if you tell them anything. We just saw a bunch of them on Saturday and "the Aunts" were all hounding me about going to a midwife (the one thing we told MIL, 3 days ago, and already the whole family knew) and starting on me about BFing...and how its okay not to since none of their kids have BFd their babies - its a bottle centric family - and 'they turned out fine'. My MIL only breastfed DH til he was 3 mos, when she says "he weaned himself" and tells how she gave him bottles of KoolAid after that.

:

For me, the disparaging comments from the in laws (you'll change your mind, you'll see how hard it is, dont do this, do this...) can already be hard to take, and I know there will be more emotionally draining experiences coming until the baby comes (FIL told my SIL that she had really 'let herself go' when she was in month 8 of pregnancy....

: sensitive guy huh?) but then I don't think highly of their childrearing methods (their sons barely talk to them) so I am trying not to let them bother me too much...and my gut reaction is to just not share as much with them since they really cant be trusted to be sensitive or mature.

To me, the reward for my parents being more accepting and trusting that I will make good choices, is that I will share more with them and DH and I want to spend time with them over his family. They will get to know and see my kids more often than the ILs and they will be terrific and fun grandparents. And that's the kind of relationship I have with ym parents now is the same one that I want to have with my own kids -

Thanks for letting me rant about this!

 

[sehbub]

Rant away!

My parents are supportive of our choices, for the most part. My mom is incredibly selfish and bossy, but since my choices are right in line with hers, she's all for it.

She CDed, BFed all three of us past a year (in the mid 70's and 80's, when it was taboo) and was more AP than most of her friends, I guess. That said, we have a pretty miserable relationship, only because she has to make everything about her. When I was in labor with DD, she was talking to the nurses about how *her* labors were so much worse. I thought DH was going to smack her.

My ILs are incredibly mainstream. My MIL breastfed both her sons, but not for an extended period. 6 months, I think, which then was a long time. She CDed because she had to. She was a newborn nurse, so she knows everything about rearing a baby. When I was trying to nurse, I was told in no uncertain terms that if I nursed longer than 10 minutes on each side, my baby would be come boob-centric and refuse to nurse from both breasts. I also wasn't supposed to go in to her room at night after 2 months. By then, she could sleep *8-10!* hours a night without feedings. Yeah, okay.

My SIL has balked at the CD thing, but is fine with our choices. She sees how much MIL aggravated me in critiquing my and DH's parenting. DH tossed DD in the air to make her smile (she can hold her head up and almost sit up on her own) and my MIL snatched "her baby" away and smacked DH on the arm and told him he was a bad father. The only thing I'm worried about with my SIL and BIL is if we have a boy, because we won't be circumcising him. I know that's gonna be an issue with them, since circumcision is "what you do" when you have a boy. Also, I wonder if my ILs will say anything if I'm able to nurse this baby and do it for an extended period of time. We'll see what happens on that front.

 

[mamabear&babybear]

My parents, surprisingly, are very supportive. They made one comment about covering up more when dd was 3 months old (to which I replied if people don't like it then they don't need to look, my dad's favorite saying). Since then they have supported every choice I've made or at least kept their opinions to themselves. I am amazed because my parents were spankers and we are not. I expected a lot of flac but haven't had any.

MIL is a real piece of work. I honestly beleive that for awhile she wished we were bad parents so that she could step in and parent dd. This had hasn't been as much of an issue since my SIL had kids and lets her parent them. Now we have to deal with my MIL treating dd like she is invisible when my niece and nephew are around.

The other day dd asked for some milk and I happily obliged. I wish I could accurately describe the look that my MIL and SIL exchanged, I'm sure you know the one. My MIL said that she couldn't bf when she had kids and my SIL started giving her kids formula at around 6 months because she was "losing her milk". She totally ignored my suggestions for increasing her supply. She had to pump for her kids mostly because it was an inconvience to have them nursing all the time. It was much easier to pump and then hand them off to someone else to feed.

I told her, that she needed to start pumping more to increase her supply, but I'm sure this was just another inconvience. I'm sure there is more but I don't feel like writing a book.

All I can say is to really let your feelings known because if you don't it only gets worse. My MIL will not be invited to this one's birth, and there will be a strict rule that if the baby is crying then she needs to give him/her to me or dh. Silly that I have to make that rule I know. For my FIL the rule will be: if I say the baby isn't cold then the baby isn't cold. I came in the room once to find my 4 month old in long sleeved pajamas with feet, wrapped up in 2 blankets in an apartment that was 72 degrees. Sheesh.

 

[Jude Rose]

I'm not as worried as I was before. My parents are pretty hands-off. In fact, oftentimes I need to coach them as to what my needs and expectations are so they don't stay completely away.

I was a little worried about MIL's reaction to homebirth and all that, but we're the last of six kids that are just now starting a family so they've been through ot all before. And at the core, we share a lot of the same beliefs.
It's funny though. I'm the first pregnancy that MIL gets to be a part of. All her other kids scattered throughout the U.S and one even to France, so she never got to 'grow' with the baby and daughter. The other week I had a violent reaction to an iron supplement and had to puke it out and be needy at her house. I think she and FIL were in heaven.

We agree that one can never give too much love to each other and a baby and I think all the other details should work themselves out (fingers crossed)

***********

Phillychicita-I think you're doing the right thing by keeping the boundaries up with the in-laws. I mean, they need to earn the right to be let in and if they are just going to take your open heart and needle it to pieces, then they don;t get to have total access. I would remain compassionate toward them, as I'm certain you are. It's sad they are so stuck in their outdated beliefs. Kool-aid? Sheesh.

 

[Adensmommy]

Both sides of my family are very mainstream right down to the spanking.
So my choices on parenting I am sure are going to send them whirling

. I cant wait.

My mother has been very supportive with my beliefs so far. But I havent told her yet about self weening

that should go well since my mother considers her breasts two out of her three sexual organs. I remember her chastising my aunt one day for bf my cousin in a restaurant and thats all my mother could talk about for weeks. Can yall say get a hobby.

 

[mooliette]

I've been through this twice already, nobody could say anything to me to convince me otherwise. My MIL thinks it's cool we have our babies at home, FIL just wants to hold his grandbaby.

My father passed away in March and I do not communicate with my mother. The biggest thing that matters to me is that I and my husband are both supportive of eachother and have complete trust in ourselves and our midwife as a care provider.

 

[p1gg1e]

Well my Parents are cool but my IL's are

.

My SMIL is a phyco and well she thinks she is my DH's mother

:
She has tried to break DH and I up when we were dating, then on our wedding day after we said our vows told Dh she gives up? Now I just walk on egg shells and what not with her but it coming soon that I wont visit anymore. I have put every boundry up and she disrepects it. Really I think she jsut doesnt want Dh and his father to see each other and she really is just using me to make that so.

With DD's birth it went so fast we didnt call anyone till right after. SMIL pouted and cam into the NICU ( the fist time I got to see DD and was not able to touch her) and said " well good luck with her" in a nasty hatful tone

: . My DD could have been dieing for all she knew ( there was notheing wrong but thats another story) but she wanted to rub it in. then she told her minister in the hall DD was sick because I was a bad mom

:

So I dont thnk we will be calling anyone till atleast 24 hours this time because of her behavior... really when it comes down to it I gulp "hate"

: ( I hate that word )her. She is the hateful mean person I know. Sigh I just dont know what to do about it anymore........

:

Thanks for letting me Vent I'm so worried about this. 7 years of this [email protected]#.

Idea's?

 

[mooliette]

Bottom line is they had their opportunity to parent us as their children, it's time to let us be the parents and respect us as adults, and the parents of our children.

 

[Gray's Mommy]

My mom is on board with what we have decided to do with our pregnancy & birth & postpartum. Her big thing is that she wants to cook us meals for afterwards-which I have NO problem with that

I don't give a flip what my DH's parents want or say...they live 6-7 hours away & we see them once a year.

 

[heabrook]

My ILs definitely do not agree, but oh well. They do not believe in having a home birth or in having a midwife. My MIL told my dh that he is "risking my life and the baby's life" by not taking me to a doctor. I tried to explain to her that midwife is even better than a doctor, and is trained, etc. But she just doesn't get it. She basically excused us of being bad parents already!

My mom supports our decisions completely. My dad does not have a problem with us having a midwife either.

My MIL also said that we are "spoiling the fun for everyone" because we are using cloth diapers instead of disposables, because "people like buying diapers for babies." Yeh, that means SHE would like to buy a bunch of cute disposable-bad-for-baby-and-the-environment diapers.

It really doesn't matter what anyone thinks because parents have to make decisions for themselves. My dh and I are completely comfortable with our decisions and there is nothing wrong with home birth, breast feeding and CDing.

My IL's live across the country so it matters even less what they think because we don't have to hear about it all of the time (just when we talk on the phone). Either way, we are going to do what we want (meaning what we think is best).

 

[mom2mimi]

My mom thinks my choices are cool, still she annoyed me at my son's homebirth and won't be there this time around. But she often tells me how cool it is that I turned out to be more "hippie, earth motherish" than she ever was. My stepdad asked if I was going to have this one "normal" because of the complications of my rh sensitization and the midwife making that huge mistake at my son's birth. He means well, though, he's just concerned for us. He accepted my answer and that was that. I haven't even told my dad and stepmom yet that I'm pregnant! My dad took my mc hard, calling me daily to check on me and rallying my brother to call too. (they live a few hours away) When it was all over and done with and the true complications discovered he asked me if I would consider not having any more. I told him I would, and I did...we were preventing at the time this little one was conceived! Again, he just had my wellbeing in mind. That said, I am the only one in the family who breastfeeds, cds, cosleeps, doesn't circ, and homebirths. I like being the weirdo, lol!

Plus I get the chance to educate people who would normally never hear of such things!

 

[yonit]

OK, I haven't actually told anyone in the family we are planning a homebirth this time- and I am really not planning to. We moved to this area after our last was born, and she was born in a free-standing birth center since homebirth was not an option there. We got a huge amount of flak for that! My parents have not asked about this birth. My FIL asked if we were going to move my "OB care" to our new city and have the baby there. I gave a very vague answer of "Yes, we are planning on having the baby in Worcester this time" I forgot to mention that it was going to be in our family room and not the nearby hospital LOL I highly doubt that they will ask again, but of course they will find out after the fact when we are not in the hospital! LOL But by then it will be too late, and their new grandchild will ease their suffering

Quite honestly, we actually get along with my IL's better than my parents. My DH has it very lucky! Fortunately my parents live no where near us and we hardly ever see them. My mother is mentally ill but has completely refused treatment, and she really is just not capable of being around my children as she has no control over what will come out of her mouth. However last time I was pregnant, my sister had a baby a few months before me. The typical hospital disaster - induction at 39 weeks, just because she was tired of being pregnant, epidural at 1 cm, ending in a c-section. My mother - who was there - told the OB that her other daughter was planning a water birth, and he gave her a lecture about how unsafe that was - using my sister's c-section as a reason that I had to have a hospital birth! LOL You can imagine the phone calls after that. So, there is no reason for her to know about this home birth.

My IL's while being relatively normal people and loving grandparents are very mainstream and while really not meaning to be are very judgemental of our life. They don't understand why I quit my high pressure job to stay home. They don't understand why I breast feed at all (I am depriving my dh of bonding opportunities!) or why I homeschool, etc.. They have chosen not to see the huge benefits our lifestyle has on our family. My 16 yo son graduated high school (homeschool) this year 2 years early and is going to college in 10 days. Their response? "Lots of 16yo's go to college". Whereas my mainstream SIL whose babies are being raised by a nanny, have all been born by c-sections, never breastfed and barely speaks (at age 3) can do absolutely no wrong.

Anyway, I am ranting, sorry! Let me just say, I have never let their disapproval factor into my decision making process at all. Fortunately I am very lucky that my DH is completely on board with me and has no problem telling his parents to back off, when it needs to be done.

Just wait until they find out we are moving to Israel next year!

 

[timneh_mom]

Well... my parents have always been kind of "hands off" people. They figure I am a grown adult, and am allowed to make my own choices about my life which includes my parenting. My mom has, at times, seemed to feel a bit off about my breastfeeding, but I was born in 1969 in a small town and she nursed me for about 2 months with no support. So she is kinda stuck in that frame of mind. She'd tell me DS needed orange juice or something like that and I had to remind her that he was getting all the vitamin C he needed from my milk!

My MIL, on the other hand, OMG. She was soooooo nice to me when I was pregnant, I got the "I didn't make enough milk" speech several times, but I pretty much knew that it was probably the bad advice she got since she had her first child about a month before my mom had me. But, after he was born, did she ever change her tune. She became very bossy and overbearing, she was very possessive of DS when we would get together, wouldn't hand him back to me when he needed to eat or if he was crying and upset, she sure passed him off quick though when he had a poopy diaper! It was like I was the vehicle for the grandchild and even though I've been an RN since 1992, apparently none of that mattered, she even had the gall to tell DH that I needed to get a new doctor, who knows how she got that idea in her head, she must have thought that because he didn't gain 1 pound per week like DH did on formula, that something was wrong. My FIL sticks up for me if he sees it's necessary, and DH and I had some horrible fights for about the first 10 months of DS's life over MIL.

So, I decided I was going to handle her MY way, and if it turns out that I'm not that nice, TOO BAD! She is very stubborn and does not learn from her mistakes, she tried to invade our wedding plans too and got herself in hot water for that... apparently she is just like this and will never think before she speaks. Lately nothing has happened but after this baby comes, she better watch out! The nice quiet DIL is suddenly going to grow horns!! And if nobody likes it and everyone is mad, TOO BAD because I warned DH, I warned him that I was going to handle it how *I* see fit, period!

Ugh sorry about the big rant, I guess this still bothers me WAY more than I thought...

 

[illinoismommy]

My parents are supportive even on things they did things differently on, they never spanked me or my sister either. I think the only issue they're "hmm"ing on is the vaccination thing. But I just keep giving them the information, and they listen. They think its great we want to homeschool and all the rest of it.

My in laws though, they think I'm more nutty by the year.

 

[phillychiquita]

Thanks for sharing all of this ladies! Its nice to know that I am not alone, and to hear from you that everyone struggles with the issues of parent-meddling or with the two sides of your families being really different in their level of support.

Since this is our first baby, I feel its so important to protect this baby from all the meddling of the ILs, so that he or she can grow, learn, develop, be curious, talk, be noisy, and become a really confident person and a contributor to the world at large. Thanks for affirming that its okay to have boundaries, to not tell the ILs we plan to homebirth or anything else that isnt really their concern.

Its often hard for me to remember (in the heat of the moment) that its okay to say "Boy, that's a personal question, I havent even discussed that with my own mother" or "that's really not something you need to be concerned about" and then to shut up and not feel compelled to explain or defend myself or our choices. And I think DH and I need to do a better job in the future of being on the same page and practicing those answers and not being intimidated into "spilling our guts" by his overly nosy family - now in the beginning, and as we go on to parent more actively with all our kids. Many of you are lucky enough to have ILs across the country. My ILs live only 15 minutes away, but luckily, we live in the city, and MIL is "afraid" of driving into the city by herself, and in general FIL and MIL dont like coming into the city, so we rarely get surprise visits.

 

[lanielayne]

My mom talked me into having my first birth at a hospital because "this is your first and who knows what problems you could have". I shouldn't have listened. She didn't like the idea of a mw attended hb with my second but came anyway and freaked out when Liam wasn't breathing right away. With #3 she tried to talk me out of UC and into using her jacuzzi tub to labor in with her friend the OB nurse attending. Um.. no thanks! She hasn't even asked this time around. Of course we live 2000 miles from her now so that makes it easier but she just know she can not affect our decisions now. Luckily no one on this side of the family cares about extended bfing. My aunt paved the way nursing her 2 youngest boys until they were 3 and did it very openly.

My dad and his mom just "worry" about me.

My MIL thinks I hung the moon. She is always telling me what a strong mama I am and how cool it is that I am so natural. She had 6 kids all 2 years apart so I think she enjoyed being a mom like me. She didn't bf at all but she is very supportive and has asked me questions about it to learn.

FIL is out of the picture right now as dh and him had a falling out. He would never say anything anyway. DH also doesn't talk to any of his bros or sis' so we don't have to worry about any of them either.

2 of my sis' think I am weird but leave me be and 1 of my sis' totally supports me all the way.

I am glad I don't have to butt heads with anyone over our choices but luckily if they did dh is not one to be quiet. He would tell them like it is and I am sure it wouldn't be brought up again!

 

[arlecchina]

I dont speak with my parents - when I did, it didnt go well at all.

my partner's family...I cant be sure yet...I've heard SOME criticism of me for my first child (homeschool that I can think of offhand) and this pregnancy is liable to bring in the criticism ... due to being a relative..although we've discussed next to nothing so far, I already got to hear about how I can only get dental work done the first trimester (2nd is recommended, NOT first) so what with the UP/UC when the topics DO arise I expect trouble

 

[sehbub]

Does the dental work rule include cleanings? If so, it's a good thing I'll be 13 weeks when I have my next cleaning scheduled!

Dumb luck on that one!

 

[elmh23]

My mom doesn't care what I do as long as I'm not harming my child (ie CIO, spanking.) She's pretty GD. She freaked a little when I told her I was having this baby at the birth center, but she got over it when I gave my her a study my midwife gave me saying that the instances of death at home rather than the hospital is less.

My in-laws, well I think they'd freak if I didn't breastfeed or weaned before one. They think it's weird that Sarah's not sleeping through the night yet or in her own bed yet, but they don't give me much grief about it. Dh's parents have five children. Three have kids of their own. One of them is pregnant for the first time (she has 2 step-sons) and is having a problematic pregnancy (small placenta, baby growing in an abnormal way, blood pressure problems, basically guarneteed a c-section at 32 weeks

). So they deal with the other two parents because the other one spanks and yells at their kids constantly and that isn't cool by MIL. She's not GD, but she's not into hitting. She was more manipulative than anything. I get out easy because I'm doing things the "right" way in her eyes and having an easy pregnancy, even though I'm the youngest and would normally be the one seen as an idiot

 

[arlecchina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sehbub Does the dental work rule include cleanings? If so, it's a good thing I'll be 13 weeks when I have my next cleaning scheduled! Dumb luck on that one!

nah routine is good, emergencies are best treated right away in any case cause risk of infection, cosmetic procedures they recommend you wait, and any major work needed thats non emergency is recommended for second trimester