Parents role during meltdown/tantrum?

DD went through this about the same age 14-16 months. Just irrationally freaking out all the time over little things like diaper changes, lunch time or whatever. She would scream, flop around on the floor - the whole nine yards. The first thing I would do is pick her up and explain the situation and try to comfort her. She would usually throw herself out of my arms at which point I would get down on the floor with her and tell her something like, "I know you're frustrated right now, and it is okay to cry and be mad. I will be in the living room until you get it all out and are done being angry." Then I would leave the room. She would cry a bit more but eventually calmed down enough
where she would come get me and I would go to her and we would cuddle for a couple of minutes and be on with our day.

This approach worked with dd because she was having difficulty communicating and had the inability to be patient (which is okay and totally normal). I think it was good for her to be mad and get out her frustrations so we could move on. She is almost 21 months now and rarely has meltdowns anymore because she can communicate easier and understands more about waiting. It will get better, hang in there.

I think you just need to try different things and support your child, but kids are so different and need different things so you have to figure out what yours needs - some like to be held and comforted through a tantrum, others don't want to be held at all....Basically, the idea is to support them and let them know you're there for them and you understand they are upset. If they like to be held, you can talk about it. If they don't (like mine), then let them know you're available as soon as they're feeling better, and stay close by.

What you don't want to do is try to make them "be quiet" or "stop", or even try to "fix" whatever is wrong if that seems to make it worse. It does for my DS. He just needs to let it all hang out, and then he's fine. Any attempt I make at making things "better" usually just makes it worse. AND you definitely don't want to make them feel bad about it. You can, as they get older, gently guide them to better ways of communicating and expressign their frustration, but when they're young, you just have to kind of "be there" and let them do their thing. It must be incredibly frustrating to have all these emotions and feeligns inside and NOT be able to effectively communicate with your loved ones, KWIM?

It's even more fun in public, just wait for that.... Oddly, I wasn't nearly as embarrassed as I thought I would be the first time it happened to me. Fortunately, it's only happened 3 times for us so far.

Around this age (actually a little older for my DS) I had to totally re-evaluate my parenting and change the ways I did things.

For example - clothing changes used to be something I just did. That's not the case any longer! The only time I insist on a clothing change is in the clothes are just too dirty to be worn. When he takes a bath, that's when his clothes are changed. Otherwise, I really try not to sweat it (this is harder than it sounds).

I don't really insist on clothing changes if clothing is weather inappropriate anymore either. I just make SUGGESTIONS. "It's pretty hot out... if you'd like me to take off that sweater let me know."

With shoes, they weren't optional and I would just explain "Let's put your shoes on, you don't want to get any stickers in your foot!" and although there was some frustration, he seemed OK with it.

Another thing that will become more and more appropriate is communication. I used to be able to just do stuff. At around that age, maybe a little older, I started having better results if I communicate what we were going to do. "I need to change your clothes before you can go outside, sweetie. As soon as your clothes on we can go out." I'm not sure if you did that in this situation, but it could help in some other situations, like running errands and stuff.

Oh, and one other thing I started doing was communicating expectations. This won't be relevant to you for a few more months probably. But I will say things like "Ok, we're going to the Goodwill so I can look for yarn and you can play with the toys. But we're not going to be able to take any of the toys home with us. You'll just play with them there and then we'll leave them there." Communicating expectations, even at a pretty early age, will help a ton!

In the situation you bring up, your DS is probably young enough for distraction and redirection to have some merit. For me personally, when my DS became harder and harder to "distract" from his frustrations, I decided he was old enough to start to learn to deal with them, and that it wasn't very respectful of me to try to distract him. So I think only you can decide for sure when distraction is still appropriate, KWIM?

I think waiting for you to do things is very very difficult, as you're already aware I'm sure. He feels totally out of control of his situation... which he is, in many ways. There's not necessarily anything you can always do about that. As much as my 2 year old really wants to be old enough to hold a sharp knife, he's just not old enough. And there comes a day when the plastic knife just ain't enough.

Anyway... don't know if these suggestions help you any! But, do be prepared that your parenting style is going to have to transform dramatically over the coming months. I learned as I go and nobody got seriously injured so if I can fumble through it, I'm sure you can too.

One thing that I started doing pretty early on was saying "before we do this we have to do that". It takes a while for this to sink in, but I think that it's definately worth it. For example my dd now understands perfectly that before we can go to the beach, we have to go potty. After the initial protest, she sits and goes. Before we can play, Mamae has to finish doing "X". Ok then.
Also, I never apologized for her having to wait for something. I have always said something like "I know you're frustrated. It's hard to wait, isn't it?" Or "Sometimes we have to wait a little while for things".
It's hard when they can't communicate things very well, and it's hard to learn to be patient (I know I'm still learning). Sometimes it seems like it will never end, but eventually and suddenly the lightbulb will go on for them. Some things you just don't have a choice about (in our house brushing teeth is one). We fought for months on end about brushing teeth. There were tears and tears, hands placed in front of mouths and shaking heads. Finally in the last two weeks, we are brushing teeth with no tears and pretty good cooperation.
I think that persistence and consistency are key. The hard part is keeping your cool on the bad days!

It's hard to witness at first, but tantrums are very normal and I don't see them as something to be avoided. I actually think they're healthy. Ds is now 26 months and he still often has tantrums. I stay close by, say soothing words ("I know you're frustrated and angry. It's fine to cry to get it all out"). He doesn't like to be held during a tantrum. If he tries to hit me, I move out of his way and tell him "It's fine to be angry with mommy, but not OK to hit mommy." After he's done, I ask him if he wants a hug. In public it's more difficult and I usually physically remove him from the situation. "The Aware Baby" is a wonderful book that discusses the stress-releasing benefits of crying with loving support around babies and toddlers. I didn't buy into her theory for babies, but definitely see it for my toddler.

ITA with donosmommy04.

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Something I found that lessens the embarrassment in public is constant and clear communication, and NOT letting the stress of the situation get to your face! A continuous stream of talking, gently, to the child, letting them know what's going on, that it's all OK, that you're there for the child...it tells THEM the info, and also gives onlookers the info. I mean, face it, onlookers are looking and judging, right?

And the smile on the face? Those pesky onlookers, I found, will react negatively (creating more negativity in an already difficult situation) if you're looking angry or upset. But if you LOOK like you're taking it in stride (but not ignoring it), that it's OK, that it's not a problem...then I've found that people will actually smile at you, give you sympathetic looks, sort of buoy you up a bit when it's really hard.

Just the other day DS decided he'd had enough and put himself face down on the floor at the grocery store. I just crouched down near him and chatted until he was ready to get up...this was all in front of a man looking at items on a shelf...when DS got up, he waved goodbye to the man, and the man gave out a little laugh...I feel if I'd reacted negatively to the scene, the guy would have run off and been pissy about the whole thing.

I like getting positivity from strangers (makes me feel warm and fuzzy), so I find the effort I put into smiling really pays off.

By the way, I think this stage at this age is pretty normal!

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Unfortunately, it is trial and error to figure out which way your child is, but the good news is they WILL let you know. You'll learn pretty quick which way they are, if they want to be comforted or not. And they may change...so you hav eto be flexible.

As far as the hyper impatience, yeah, I remember that stage, it was very frustrating...in that situation, words from a wise mama here helped me:

Find a "Zen place" and go there. For example: as child is freaking out because you aren't getting the cheese stick fast enough for him , go to that Zen place in your mind and say calmly and pleasantly,

"I know you want the cheese stick, I'm getting it right now for you, it will be open in a second. I know you want the cheese stick, I'm getting it right now for you, it will be open in a second. I know you want the cheese stick, I'm getting it right now for you, it will be open in a second. I know you want the cheese stick, I'm getting it right now for you, it will be open in a second. "

It sounds silly, but it really helps. or, at least it helped me. Kind of "tune out", but let them know you understand what they're upset about. Otherwise, the stress WILL drive you batty! As they get older, you can switch the wording. Now DS is relatively "patient" for a toddler, I think. I can tell him "just a minute" and that will actually tide him over for a bit. In fact, he says it to me too sometimes. HA!!