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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, my partner does not really get along with my parents. He is of color, my parents are not, which is part of the "differences". My parents try to be nice, and do things to be nice, but my partner can feel that they aren't enamored of him, and that doesn't help warm his heart. He is a passionate person, and doesn't like to pretend to like people he doesn't and doesn't like to "waste time" with those who don't care for him.<br><br>
We live very close to my folks, and our son sees them regularly - they love to take care of him, and do so sometimes as many as three afternoons a week. Free babysitting from loving grandparents. The problem is that our little one fell out of a highchair once when he was under a year old, and fell onto his head (made a big bump but nothing else), and it worries my partner to tears. He fears for the safety of our little one, since my parents style is looser than his. I talk to my parents about our concerns as well, and they do listen. And try. But they are well into their lives and I can't exactly change them. We're very different people.<br><br>
My take is that it is better to have loving grandparents who might not do everything that I would do with my son, but who for the most part respect my wishes. Our son loves them, especially my father. The thing is, the issue of my parents comes up almost every time my partner and I have a disagreement. I'm not sure what to do. Anyone have similar issues & suggestions of how to get through it all peacefully?<br><br>
Thanks
 

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Accidents happen to the most viligent of caregivers. If it is a pattern, I'd be concerned, but otherwise it sounds like you have a good situation in terms of your son and parents.<br><br>
Now, the relationship between them and your DH. It doesn't sound bad either. How many parents are crazy about thier dil or sil? My MIL isn't very gushy about me; I'm sure she thinks I'm weird and thinks DH would live nearer to them except for me, but she is nice enough and acts respectful, so all is well. In general, I don't waste time with people and pretend to like people I don't either, but you don't choose your family. I can be nice and respectful to my MIL, and I can spend time with her and get her to tell stories about dh as a kid. All is well. We have a working relationship and, from these boards, I recognize how lucky I am to have that.<br><br>
So I guess I don't understand his quams. I wonder if it is something more going on with him? Do you think he is jelous of your closeness to your family? How is his relationship with his family? Does he want to move away and feels like your family keeps you there?<br><br>
And what does he want? For y'all to spend less time with them?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for your response mamawanabe. I guess the problem is that my partner won't even go over to my folks' house anymore. And he says he is worried each time our little one goes over there. I am frustrated with this approach, because it makes my parents even more tense (and colder) around my partner when they do see him. I guess I am trying to be sure I am respecting my partner and still trying to make sure my parents feel respected as well. I think that my partner IS jealous because his parents don't live here and are not able to be around our son. He misses them dearly...Maybe this posting is just for reassurance that I am doing the right thing.<br><br>
Thanks!
 

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Yaay1,<br><br>
I totally feel for your situation. I have one that is similar in some respects, though, I think mine is a little easier because dh and I live in cali and my parents are in boston, so it doesn't have to be dealt with on a daily basis. Still, I am constantly feeling caught in the middle - trying to make everyone else happy when there's really no way to do it except maybe by lying...<br><br>
We are expecting our first child now and as soon as she found out I was pg, my mother insisted that she was coming to visit for ten weeks when the baby was born. I know that her irrationality about this is fueled by her fear that my dh will somehow keep her away from the grandbaby (which is not his style at all). So, during the whole pg, I have been having this terrible battle between them (they have only spoken once, but I have to hear it from both sides all the time) - he doesn't want her here for more than a week and she is terribly hurt by the idea of being limited in any way. I have been trying to assert my wants/needs and unbelievably I think I have prevailed, but that is a once in a lifetime sort of outcome. lol<br><br>
I am wondering how much of your parents' feelings about your partner have to do with his race/ethnicity. I would think that if that is really an issue with your parents, your partner could feel pretty negatively about it, especially given that your son must also be of that race/ethnicity. If I were in his or your shoes, I might be worried about how their feelings (racist feelings? I don't want to put words in your mouth) could affect your son. It sounds like your parents are very loving toward your son, but I don't know if that means that they couldn't also be imparting damaging ideas, iykwim. I may be totally off the mark on this, but it stuck out for me in your post...<br><br>
Anyway, best of luck, I know it is a really hard situation. I sure wish I had some answers...<br><br>
Take care.<br><br>
J.
 

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Seems like in terms of his personal situation with them, he's found a solution. He doesn't go to thier house. Fine. Now he doesn't give you grief about going yourself, does he? If so that may be a red flag in terms of controlling issues, something y'all might need to seriously look at. Afterall, If things were reversed, if you felt your MIL didn't like you despite her being nice, you may choose not to spend time with her, but if you were upset about your dh visiting with his parents, there might be a problem.<br><br>
The above issue seems separate from his concern that they don't watch ds closely enough when they are alone with him alone (he doesn't object to his son being over there with you does he?). Make sure he is keeping the two issues separate in his head (just because he and they aren't crazy about each other doesn't mean that they aren't good sitters for ds). But if he really feels ds in in danger over there, you may have to respect that and not leave ds there alone. Afterall, if situatiosn were reversed and you didn't feel ds was safe with somone that dh trusted withhim, you'd want your veto to count. You may just have to stay there when you bring ds to visit or have them come to your house, at least until dh trusts them more with ds.<br><br>
But if the issue is about his desire to curtail your relationship with yoru parents or to stop (under the guise of safty) ds from having a relatiosnhip with them, you may have a greater problem.
 
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