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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know what to do. DH revealeed to me he had feelings for another. He never acted on them. He told me he dealt with them and put his feelings for her in the relationship/commrade area in his brain. With much disscussion and difficulty I accepted this. He said he loves me, doesn't want to leave me for another, etc. But tonight I just found out that he has been having difficulties dealing with his feelings for her and that he expressed his feeling to her in a recent letter. He didn't want to tell me because he knew how I would act (overreact). He says he is just being honest and it is helping him clear his mind. He also told this woman that I was jealous.Why wasn't he honest with me? Why did he have to bring up the fact that I am jealous? He prides himself on his honesty but the past couple of weeks when I thought that he put his intense feelings for her aside, he was still having difficulty dealing with them. I am hurt and confused. I don't know what to do. Of course I yelled at him. It didn't help, but at least I was being honest. He apologized and restated his love for me. Letting her know how he felt was his way of dealing with it. Well, I think he should have let me know how he felt too.I feel like he wasn't honest with me. I feel so alone and stupid right now...Okay time to cry....more later....thanks for listening....
 

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omg thats awful!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
I think its pretty normal to maybe have feelings for another at least once in your married life, but to <b>tell the person</b> and disrespect your spouse in the process-<b>yikes</b> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yikes">: -that was pretty low on his part and immature to say the least. I think he owes you an apology for embarrassing you and disrespecting you.he's supposed to be your friend, your lover,that was just so distrustful. your feelings should be validated by him, you should not be pittied or made to feel like you are over reacting. So he had feelings for someone, he could/should tell you and you laugh about it and move on. If he wants to be with you why tell her??<br>
sorry to rant but I just would not be happy abou that either. good luck with whatever you decide to do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/luxlove.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="throb">
 

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I'm so sorry. I would have been pissed too. But he seems like a wonderful guy for not acting on his feelings. I mean it's hard to deal with regardless, but I think a lot of people would act on these feelings then think later. He really must love you and you must have a good relationship if he feels comfortable enough to tell you that. And btw, I'd be horribly jelous too. Is he distancing himself from the friendship with the other girl? I think that for us, if my dh had a crush on another woman, even if he got over it, I would be unable to deal with him having any kind of relationship with her. I mean I totally trust dh, but it would just be too much for <i>me.</i>
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MotherWhimsey</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm so sorry. I would have been pissed too. But he seems like a wonderful guy for not acting on his feelings. I mean it's hard to deal with regardless, but I think a lot of people would act on these feelings then think later. He really must love you and you must have a good relationship if he feels comfortable enough to tell you that. And btw, I'd be horribly jelous too. Is he distancing himself from the friendship with the other girl? I think that for us, if my dh had a crush on another woman, even if he got over it, I would be unable to deal with him having any kind of relationship with her. I mean I totally trust dh, but it would just be too much for <i>me.</i></div>
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yes I realize after posting my reply that I should have said some of this as well..
 

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Why do you think he chose to tell you?<br>
Maybe he is hoping you''ll be sure to stop things before they go to far.<br><br>
I know if this was my DH there would be some SERIOUS boundaries put up between him and this other woman.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chandraj</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think its pretty normal to maybe have feelings for another at least once in your married life, but to <b>tell the person</b> and disrespect your spouse in the process-<b>yikes</b> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yikes">: .</div>
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I agree, I would be outraged if DH did something like that without my go ahead.
 

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Wow, mama, what a difficult situation to be in! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
It's great that he didn't physically act on his feelings for another woman. It's honorable and in marriage, to be expected, IMO.<br><br>
The part that bothers me is him needing to tell her about his crush--WTF? That would make me feel like he was not moving past his feelings for her but rather pursuing them. I'm not trying to make you feel badly, but what does he expect from her or hope to gain by writing her a friggin love letter?!? That's totally disrespectful to you. Also, him casting you in the light of "typical jealous spouse" does nothing short of stink.<br><br>
Yeesh!<br><br>
I think you might consider having a boundaries talk with DH. I think writing a letter to his crush is stepping over a boundary in a big way.<br><br>
Good luck with this, mama. I hope it all works out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
He apologized. He reaffirmed his commitment to me and our family. I haven't forgiven yet. I still feel so disrepected and misled. He said he didn't want to approach me with his difficulty in dealing with his feelings for her. He said he needed to do it on his own and tell her how he felt to basically clear the air. Did I mention he let me read her e-mail. She had the same feelings for him (feelings growing stronger than friendship). But she said that one of the reasons she didn't act on them was because of the strong relationship he had with me. Let me back up and give a little background. DH went to New Orleans to help with much needed relief after hurricane katrina. He was down there for about 8 or 9 days. While there he met this woman and worked closely with her. They have alot in common. Radical politics, street medic training, world traveling and the mastery of other languages. A commradery was developing. Fine. Good to find people you can relate to especially in a disaster zone and emergency situation like down in New Orleans. He made other friends too. But I sensed that his feelings for her were more than just friends. Ya know...a woman's intuition. Not just blind jealousy. Anyway he confessed he was attracted to her. Who wouldn't be with that much in common. As for me and DH, we used to have alot in common. Now I don't do much activist or talk of radical philosophies staying up half the night quoting dead anarchists. I sleep because I am a working woman besides being a mom. I'm a nurse. I don't do medical help at protests or community disaster areas. I work in a hospital in a critical care area dealing with peoples lives several days a week. I don't know another language and from my spelling I sometimes have problems with english. I've only traveled to Mexico and Canada. The world was never on my door step. I am not part of the "movement" anymore. I work, take care of my kid, my house, my animals, my husband. Don't get me wrong, hubby has his responsibilities too. His job just allows him to take off at a moments notice and fight for injustice, the earth and meet real cool woman. I am felling really "uncool" right now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"> How can I compete with this other woman...Even though she doesn't even live here I still feel like it is a compatition. How can I "win" his admiration and affections when I am so dull and boring. Yes self esteem issues here....How can I go back to trusting him when he broke that trust by letting a woman he barely knows, know that he is having diffulculty dealing with his emotions for her. DH is orgainzing a wilderness first responder workshop in the Spring. This other woman has done something like this before and wants to help him organize the training. DH thinks he can remain just friends and have her come down and help. What? I want to put my foot down and say "Absolutely not!" But I don't want to seem controlling or the overly jealous wife. How can I move beyond this and pursue our relationship deeper and make it stronger? Uggghhhh....Sorry to gripe. I just can't seem to talk to my friends about this. Having y'all here listening to me is great. Please provide some insight or advice if you so wish....
 

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I think that I might understand why he wanted to try to deal with his feelings "on his own". If he wrote to her to tell her "I have these feelings for you and this is why I can't be around you", that's one thing, if he told her "I have these feelings for you and I'm sending out feelers to see what might happen", that's another thing altogether.<br><br>
I think he's fooling himself if he thinks he can work closely with someone he has a deep crush on and not cross the line, especially knowing she reciprocates. And I think it is totally within reason that you ask him to cease contact with her, at least until the crush has passed. For a few years, I'm thinking, not weeks or months. If he really loves you and puts first priority on your relationship, he'll honor your request.<br><br>
Another aspect you may want to look at is, what is it he "needs" that he imagines this woman would provide? You sound sad in your last post, like you're just not "glamorous" enough to compete. She isn't, either, she's just a woman like all the rest of us. But he doesn't know her well enough to know all the little things that would humanize her--and that needs to be brought up. I'm not saying you should change who you are, or that your responsibilities make it possible for you to add to what you do, but perhaps you could take more notice of what he's doing, to where you can have absorbing discussions about it? And perhaps he could pay attention to what you're doing, and have some absorbing discussions about that with you?<br><br>
DH and I sometimes get crushes on people, but we both know we're prone to that and that it will pass with time--usually getting to know them better is enough, as the person's human foibles will eventually clear the "glamor fog" that surrounds them. He's had crushes on some of my friends, and they've all faded away. But neither of us ever let the person know we had a crush while it was actually in effect. (Sometimes, if they become good enough friends, we'll laugh about it after the fact). And we do take notice when it happens, because it often means we're taking each other for granted and forgetting why we fell in love in the first place, or one or both of us is ignoring/neglecting the other due to other stresses, and it's often a signal for us to make our relationship top priority, and do what we can to spend some alone time together, both privately and out doing things together.
 

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This may or may not help, but I heard somewhere that people don't have affairs because the other person is prettier or keeps the house cleaner, they do it because of the way that other person makes them feel. I would talk to your DH and ask him what he felt when he was around her (wanted, attractive, carefree) and help him realize that he doesn't need to go outside the relationship to feel that. The two of you can work this out, its a good sign that he told you about it. Good luck.
 

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If he never acted on his feelings then he never should have told you about them. It is normal to have a secret crush on a person even if you are married, even if you just fantasize about a movie start or something it is still a crush, but to tell the person who you love that you are obsessed about another person to the point of writing them a letter and telling them so even though you aren't going to leave your spouse is cruel. I would question him on why he would do such a thing? Not why he would have a crush, but why he would hurt you by telling you in so much detail about an emotion he has no plans of acting on? If this is a pattern then I would consider seeking counseling to figure out why he is so unhappy that he has to hurt you to feel big. Honesty about feelings is not always the best policy, it is sometimes just a way to hurt someone you are unhappy with and I think you should tell him that in the future he needs to keep his honesty to himself when he has a harmless crush.
 

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That original letter to her sound smore like sending out feelers than cutting down on their closeness (and if he believes differently, he may well be lying to himself first.). And now she's sent a reciprocating reply. I'm all about the occasional harmless crush (they're entertaining,) but to me, this would so totally be beyond that (the part where it's harmless is usually the bit where it remains undeclared, ya know?) I would read his desire to continue contact with her at this point as pursuit. And I'd take the discussion with him from there.
 

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He sounds like a good guy....pretty honest. He probably does need to avoid her for a while, and work hard at the relationship you have.
 

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I think the letter was fishing. then she sent a reply back agreeing and now he wants her to "help" put together a workshop. No way. Nope. If you are uncomfortable with this you have to tell him. It isn't out of jealousy. It is out of you wanting to protect your marriage.<br><br>
Itis very possible that they didn't form their "friendship' out of common interests. It could have been formed over a terrible situation that gave them an instant connection that even if you did stay up all night "quoting dead philosophers" it still would have happened.<br><br>
Youboth need to be careful. My dh is in ministry and we have a rule, if he counsels a woman or meets with them, they are never alone, there are never closed doors. This is to protect him.<br><br>
I would think that if you dh is that true to you that he will see this as you protecting and not controlling.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>katallen</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If he never acted on his feelings then he never should have told you about them. It is normal to have a secret crush on a person even if you are married, even if you just fantasize about a movie start or something it is still a crush, but to tell the person who you love that you are obsessed about another person to the point of writing them a letter and telling them so even though you aren't going to leave your spouse is cruel. I would question him on why he would do such a thing? Not why he would have a crush, but why he would hurt you by telling you in so much detail about an emotion he has no plans of acting on? If this is a pattern then I would consider seeking counseling to figure out why he is so unhappy that he has to hurt you to feel big. Honesty about feelings is not always the best policy, it is sometimes just a way to hurt someone you are unhappy with and I think you should tell him that in the future he needs to keep his honesty to himself when he has a harmless crush.</div>
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I disagree. He is relying on the person he loves to be his confidant. He doesn't know how to deal with this, that is why he is messing up so poorly. It is also his way/a persons way of saying WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I am having these feelings and I shouldn't be.<br><br>
I agree with Starr. People don't have affairs because the grass is greener but it is because the other person makes him feel XYZ.<br><br>
I think you need to use this as a big warning to work on your marriage.<br><br>
I have felt the way your dh has. The guy that was hitting on me made me feel sexy, attractive, desirable. Dh and I had gotten in a rut/routine. It bothered me and I didn't know how to handle it. Dh fix his end on making me feel desirable. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bouncy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bouncy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
I would figure out what/how that lady makes him feel and work on making him feel that way with you.<br><br>
I think people forget that their spouces are only human and expect to much from them at time.
 

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I think there has been some wise advice given here, mama. It's up to you to take what works for you.<br><br>
From my point of view, him sending her a letter and then considering letting her help him set up a workshop doesn't sound like he's letting go of his feelings for her or putting their relationship in the past.<br><br>
It sounds to me like he is, in a roundabout way, pursuing her.<br><br>
This is unacceptable when he is in a marriage with you! You're beating yourself up over this and you've done nothing wrong.<br><br>
If I were you, I'd put my foot down with DH. No communication with the crush, no workshops, nothing. It's threatening to you emotionally and I don't think you're being the jealous wife for no reason. He has given you reason aplenty.<br><br>
He is in the wrong, not you, mama.<br><br>
Do some thinking. Then do some talking.<br><br>
I hope you can work this out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. This is purely an anecdotal thought on my part - but these kinds of things happen so frequently in the fire/EMS/police type of positions - is it the types of folks that are attracted to these professions? My DH has been outright pursued by many women, most of whom know darn well that he's married.<br><br>
If he is willing to totally steer clear of her (and yes, that means no wilderness response workshop!!) and work on things with you, then I'd give him a fair chance. However, if he's looking to keep her on the "back burner," then I'd seriously rethink the relationship.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Reading your post gave me deja'vu. I have been in your DH's position, and I've been in yours. I've delt with this same kind of situation, alternately playing both roles, for the last 16 years. Let me be perfectly honest with you. His feelings for the other woman are stronger than he admits. Emailing her and telling her,especially before he told you, proves that without a doubt. He does want this to go farther. The reason for telling you is complicated. For one, he does still love you. He doesn't want to be the one who leaves, who makes the final decision, the "bad guy". Inviting her to work with him on a project? That can and will lead to only one thing: their relationship deepening. He wants to have his marriage and his "mistress" too, he is caught in the middle of his own emotions. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being blunt, but I know this all too well. I would set some non-negotiable rules with him. One, get professional couples counsiling, now. Also some one-on-one consiling for him. Two, NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL WITH HER. This is very important. Remover her from his address book, his instant messanger, his cell phone, everything. Erase her completely and forever. If he can't/won't accept these terms, then you will likely end up with two options: sharing your man with her, or leaving. I hope you and your DH will get the counsiling and he will cut off all contact. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I'm hoping for the best for you.
 

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You need to go to marriagebuilders.com and read as much as you can. You will find plenty of information on emotional affairs, which it sounds like is what you're dealing with, especially now that they have admitted their feelings for each other. If your husband truly wants to commit to your marriage, he has to go to no-contact with this woman. There's lots of information on the web site about how to institute no-contact (writing a letter that you mail), and then how to maintain it. He needs to be completely transparent with his actions: whereabouts at all times/e-mail passwords/cell phone records, etc., providing you with plenty of reassurance. E-mailing her with an admission of his feelings only feeds the relationship, it does nothing to end it. I think you have to act decisively now to nip this in the bud. Also, I've seen a book recommended there, called "Not Just Friends" that might be very helpful.<br><br>
My heart goes out to you during this painful time.
 

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I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need to either put your foot down and insist on no contact or leave. Otherwise, you will be going down a very sad road. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
 
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